Clearing my Head

I don't have many memories of my parents together.  They got divorced when I was 10 and while most people can remember all the way back to three or four, I really only have a handful of memories before 10. ...further testament that there is too much going on in my head I suppose.  Apparently it's pushing out the details of my youth!

One of the few memories I do have is being allowed to stay up late on Friday and Saturday nights to watch a movie or HBO boxing (I'm pretty sure my parents bought every fight).  I could only stay up if I took a shower, lotion-ed myself down and put on clean pajamas.  Then I'd slip onto the couch with my Dad and watch about 30 minutes of "grown-up" TV before falling asleep.  The next morning I'd vaguely remember being carried to bed in the wee hours.  

But before that happened, I had to take a shower, a real shower.  I was often sent back up to the bathroom to try again - "That was less than 5 minutes;" "You're neck isn't even wet, you didn't shower;" "Did you even use soap?"  "I washed the important parts," I'd plead. Needless to say, I was not a fan of the shower!  Outside of the meticulous way in which I comb my hair out, I probably never spent more than 5 minutes in the shower actually bathing until recently.

I know find myself longing for the shower.  I find it difficult to get out the door in time in the morning because what used to be a 10 minute routine has extended to 30.  When I'm home on the weekends, with no plans, the first place I go after putting Myki down for a nap is the shower.  I think it is really the only place where I can clear my head, and the only place I am truly alone.  I can't bring paper into the shower (no lists), no iPhone to respond to emails or texts, scroll through my Facebook news feed or Pinterest (the definition of time suck) or read blogs (of which I've recently become obsessed).  While my son has no problem intruding on me anywhere else in the house, in any state of undress, he seems to leave me be in the shower.

One of my good friends, a mother to two, has recently discovered meditation.  She recommends I focus on my breathing when I'm feeling overwhelmed and has sent me some short guided meditations as further encouragement.  She says it has really helped her with her level of energy.  I've given it a shot, but haven't been able to stop my mind from focusing on all the worry and business that occurs. For now, I think a long, hot shower might be the closest I've gotten to meditating but hopefully March brings more than clear skies and I can get a bit closer to a clear head.

Goal-Setting

It's March; I can't even believe it. It feels like Christmas was just last month. Worse still is the reality that I've lived in Virginia almost a year. Each year I am in awe of how quickly the time seems to pass.

So, my New Years resolution this year was kind of the opposite of what it had been in the past years. Instead of setting an abundance of stringent goals, I decided to just relax and commit to put my best foot forward each and every day and enjoy life.

Two months in, how have I done? I think I've done ok. It's been a very pensive year thus far. I've been really trying to figure out what I want out of life, my career, my friends and family? I've been trying to consider what I need to do to build up my sense of worth (a constant struggle), decrease my perpetual sense of guilt, and really take care of myself physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's difficult to do that without feeling guilty, like I'm spending too much time on myself and neglecting my husband and son especially.

I think these pensive months have led me to the point where I can set some tangible goals. I've been reading/following a few mom blogs and yesterday was all about March goals. Monthly goals feel very manageable, so here goes...

In March I will:

- Bake or cook something with Myki - he loves to spend time in the kitchen and I want to nurture that!

- Go on a date with my Hubby - hopefully the movies, he loves movies! (Looking for a sitter!)

- Post in my blog twice a week - I'm playing with the idea of starting a for-profit blog versus just this personal journal-type blog. In order to do that, I need to write consistently! Examples: tinybluelines.com and theyoungmommylife.com

- Do my taxes, get our will notarized, and pay off one of my small debts - 2013 has been all about getting my financial house in order, new car in 2013 and homeownership in the next five years, or bust!

- Begin Oprah and Deepak Chopra meditation challenge - hoping this will help calm my nerves and help me just stop and enjoy my many blessings!

I've intentionally left off any work-related goals. I think I need to focus on the rest of my life and let my career be what it will be for a moment.

Do you have any goals this month? Please share and we can hold each other accountable!

Happy March everyone!

Date Night is Incredible and I Wish I Had Babysitter Money!

It is Valentine's Week and love is in the air!  My husband and I celebrated early with a date night last Friday.  Madrina Stacy spent her evening with Myki while he and I ventured to Rockville, MD for "Painting and Pizza."  Our evening began at Visarts where we took the very loose interpretation of a painting "class."  The teacher essentially outlined the paintings for us, made some general comments on supplies and shading and told us to have at it.  Our final products were nothing museum worthy, but a good first attempt at art if I do say so myself.  (Maybe not first ever, but first since art was required in grade school!)

The evening then progressed to Oro Pomodoro, a delicious and surprisingly fancy Italian restaurant, complete with lots of born and bred Italians, for make your own pizza.  It was fairly simple - stretch the dough (thin in the middle with a thick crust), add tomato sauce, basil, mozzarella and Parmesan cheese (all of which smelled divine!).  It was a basic margarita pizza (named for an Italian queen - who knew!).  We each placed our pizza in the 900 degree wood-burning oven and two minutes later, they were ready for eating.  They were delicious and brought all new meaning to the words "made with love."

So much of a balanced family life is based in routine; all the new mom readings tell you so, and it really is true - children are impossible without habits.  Unfortunately, there is nothing sexy about routine.  So it's easy for my husband and I to feel like glorified roommates or co-babysitters.   Friday's date night was a reminder that we enjoy each other's company, that we are actually interesting, fun and funny people, that while routine is not sexy, we absolutely are! It's amazing how much you don't realize you miss something until you get to experience it again.

So why is date night so rare for us when it's so incredible?  Resources and circumstance have limited our opportunity.  I'm amazed I haven't read or heard more about the incredible cost of babysitters.  In the case of Friday, it would have cost me more to have a babysitter than to actually go on the date.  I mean my son goes to bed at 8 PM and babysitter's want to charge $100 to watch Myki for two hours and spend the majority of their evening sitting on my couch watching my cable.  In what other field can you overcharge to this degree?  I mean, I want to trust whoever is watching my son, and I want to pay them to do it...but I do require a bit more affordability.

It's an absolute case for living next door to your parents, or some family member who has an obsession with your child(ren).  When we lived in Florida, my husband's family was nearby, but they had lives of their own; no one was interested in spending their Friday and Saturday night watching a baby.  We absolutely got an occasional reprieve but nothing near the monthly or weekly dates a marriage deserves.  

Thankfully, we are slowly but surely working our way towards financial stability and hopefully, a babysitter/entertainment fund!  In the interim, we enjoy many an adult-only movie night, the occasional adventure with the help of someone's (like Madrina Stacy's) kindness and a running joke that if only we had a custody agreement with someone to take Myki every other weekend, we could get all the date time we needed!  (Totally kidding on this last point and not at all meant to offend any single parents out there - custody arrangements are rarely funny.)

Pictures Don't Lie!

I have always embraced my shape and figure. I've felt confident in my own skin, sexy even. I'd only really take note of my size when friends or people around me were trying to loose weight, and even then it was more an effort in camaraderie than anything I was really focused on...ok, where working out, eating salad. Like most women, I've yo-yo'd between sizes, and have three sizes in my closet to prove it. But through it all I remained confident. A little extra here or there never bothered me and as people always told me, I carried it well, I was just "thick," "llenita."

It wasn't until after I had my son in 2009, that I really began to feel heavy, self-conscious. My whole body changed. Spreading hips, sagging skin, droopy breasts, hair loss, stretch marks that refused to respond to cocoa butter or vitamin E! Even my feet fell victim to the changes spreading from a cute 7 1/2 to a monstrous 9 (I know it's normal, but it felt monstrous!)

For the last three years, I've been acutely aware of the rolls that pour over my waistline when I sit down, the extra width in my face, thighs that refuse to stop jiggling, cellulite! It slaps me hardest when I see pictures. "Who is that giant woman?! She looks like me in a fat suit!" Especially as my son grows, being a "new mom" is no longer a plausible excuse.

I've made many an attempt at weight loss, with mixed results. Through it all, I've lost 30 lbs in 3 1/2 years...if that trend continues, I'll be at my goal weight in 7 years...which is better than never I suppose! (Insert silver lining here.)

I recently found another blog that made me feel better about the whole thing: shapeofamother.com. I do wish I'd found it 4 years ago when my body was changing so dramatically; but better late than never. The blog is full of women's' accounts of how their bodies changes, how they felt/feel about it, how their partners feel about it. Like any struggle, it's been nice to know I'm not alone in my struggle with a mother's shape.

At this point, I only long for that old confidence, the feeling that despite the wide hips, less than perky breasts, and never ending stretch marks, I am fly in my own skin! I'm hopeful that with time, and continued efforts at a healthy lifestyle, I will get there.

Cartoon Patriot

My son was absolutely a cartoon character in a past life. He spent Inauguration Day playing dress-up in a Captain America costume complete with mask and shield. How patriotic, don't you think?

Mike really wanted to take him to Inauguration. Although it was an incredibly historic day, I just couldn't fathom my "likes to book it on his own" baby in the throngs of Inauguration fans. So instead we watched it on TV. I think ultimately that was the best route. Had we attended, he would not have really seen Barry. But in our living room, he saw him up close. "Barack Obana!" Nope, not a typo; we can't get him to say Obama.

He clapped and cheered for his President! He marched around the living room and cheered some more!

His exuberance was contagious and so intense to make you think he really understood the significance of the two-terms of the nation's first Black president. In 2008, Barack's first election, I was pregnant with Myki. I celebrated not only the election, but the reality that my son would be born under a President who looked like him. Our role models, our leaders, provide context for what we think we can be. My son knows he can be the POTUS, Captain America or anything else!

Hoping for a Snow Day!

The Weather Channel, the news and the Federal government were in cahoots last Thursday to orchestrate a snow day. Unfortunately, Mother Nature got the best of them all, and me, by dropping not one once of precipitation in Alexandria, VA! Oh how I had been waiting for that snow!

Myki hasn't seen snow since he was around 18 months; a visit to my mom's in NJ. He thought it was pretty cool and we slid around her driveway for a bit. Never having been exposed to gloves, he initially refused to wear them. After plunging both his bare hands into the snow and ice, he thought better of that decision. Nothing Mami could say was as persuasive as that!

While we left behind some incredible weather in Florida, there is absolutely winter fun to be had in VA! Every morning since Thursday, I've awoken hopefully, peaked out the window and been disappointed by the sea of green grass. C'mon Mother Nature, work with me! We have 3 winters of sledding, snowmen and maybe even some skiing to make up for!

Maybe this week it will come!

What Working Moms Should Have

It's really a travesty that the average working mom doesn't have access to the finer things in life. I received a $150 gift certificate to SpaFinder for Christmas and just used it on my first ever facial! When I first recieved the gift, I thought I'd be able to get at least three treatments out of it (treatment, that's spa lingo for service) - a massage, a facial, mani/pedi...maybe even a wax. My research taught me that that was far from reality. $150 got me one standard facial, just one.

It was so very nice. Usually, when I'm taking the highly recommended "me" time that all moms try to sneak in, my mind is racing with all that I am not doing. But an honest to God spa experience really can clear your mind - the lights, the warmth, no pants, the music, a faux fur blanket - Red Door really knows how to treat a lady.

Moms should have that! When I left I thought, I need to do that once a month. But $150 a month feels....selfish. It's just to much to work in without considering the alternatives - paying down debt, adding to a retirement or college fund, even just taking a day trip with the family.

But, I repeat, moms should have that!

Rebuilding Us

My family and I have lived in Alexandria just over eight months. The transition, like any change, has had highs and lows. Change is hard and it is human nature to resist it. Change is especially challenging for children, who thrive with stability, in stability.

When I accepted my current position, I had been unemployed for nine months and relocation was not covered. So I came to Alexandria alone, living on my dear friend's couch for almost two months. Mike and Myki stayed behind with his parents until I could set everything up for us. My little one and I were apart for the first time ever. Hard does not capture how that felt for either of us. I was overwhelmed by guilt and doubt; was this really the only way? Myki went from missing me to worried about me to scared for me. He just knew something wasn't right.

Our reunion was bittersweet. While he was happy and relieved to see me, it was also evident I'd betrayed him; his confidence in me had been shaken. We've spent the last nine months working through that, and all the other challenges of growing from almost 3 to almost 4 years old. I've been frustrated by how difficult it's been. Myki has always been so easy and our interaction was easy. I could calm him, make him laugh and ensure we enjoyed each other!

I've been very much in my own feelings of frustration and almost a sense of loss for how it used to be. But this weekend, I think my husband may have snapped me out of that place of self-pity! We had one of those arguments you're not supposed to talk about, the ones where you say some harsh things, throw some low blows. He essentially told me to get over myself and pull it together!

Myki and I had such a great relationship because I was committed to engaging him - experiments, adventures and excursions all the time. But the move to DC and the new job mark a shift in my thinking. I've been so focused on getting my career to the right place, I'm missing the energy to really give Myki what I used too. I'm hoping this epiphany will help us get there and look forward to the fun we can find in this new place!

PHOTOS - yesterday's dress-up session - cowboy Myki and superhero firewoman mami

Writing Resolutions

I can't believe I haven't posted in over a year!  The whole layout of Blogger has changed; funny how technology has a way of moving at the speed of light!

So of course my last post was in January 2012, because January is all about new beginnings and initiatives.  Each January I contemplate my goals for the upcoming year and writing more is always on the list.  I had this incredible third grade teacher who told me I was going to be a writer.  It was all she could say about me and she told anyone who'd listen - my parents, other teachers and students, the Principal - "Pamela is going to be a writer!  I can't wait to buy her book."

It was a romantic idea and something I may one day accomplish.  But it never felt like a career option to me, perhaps because of where I came from.  My Dad owned a shirt fabric business in the garment district and my Mom was an engineer - these were very practical and lucrative professions.  Being a writer or artist of any kind was a pastime, a hobby, not a future.  And so I took more practical routes.

But literacy - reading and writing - they are like a therapy to me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have opinions on everything, strong opinions.  I also have an intense sense of ambition; a vision for what I want my life to look like and for what I want everything I'm connected to to be.  So here I go again, attempting to rekindle something that makes me feel so good - writing.

I recently saw a TED Talk that said stating the end result of a goal gives the brain the same stimulation as actually accomplishing the goal.  Consequently, stating the end result (ex: I will be 50 lbs lighter in a year.) decreases your chances of actually getting there because your brain already feels like its accomplished.  So I will not state a concrete goal, but resolve to do better.  I hope that if I do, you will join me on this journey and comment along the way!

Does life really change at 3?

My husband and I have a running joke that our life will completely change the day our son turns 3 years old. Almost everything fun in life is prequeled by this age requirement. Dance, karate, t-ball and piano lessons all have an age minimum of 3. Chutes and Ladders, my first UNO, action figures and anything smaller than the palm of my hand is not recommended for kids under 3 years old.

Our son has been the size of a 3 year old for over a year so, needless to say, we are equal parts anxious and skeptical of this momentous occasion. Having a son the size of a 3 year old before even turning 2 can be challenging. He's huge! He gets into everything and has outgrown any interest in toys for the under 3 set. But he definitely still puts things in his mouth, runs and falls with pointy things like a toy screwdriver (3+) and has yet to develop a healthy fear of electrical outlets. I have found him hanging from the side of his crib trying to escape, almost submerged in the toilet because his waist is higher then the seat, and with a string from the blinds (that was supposedly out of his reach) around his neck!

With all of this 3 year old physical ability, came the emotional trauma of the terrible two's. So when he's doing the wrong thing and you tell him to stop, he falls on the floor in hysterics. Does that just snap off too he turns 3?

Hopeful for all of the maturity that the warning labels claim!