Professional Happiness

I have read quite a few LinkedIn articles focused on finding your professional happiness.  "Do what you love!" is almost always included in the articles.  Do what you love and the rest will follow.  I take exception to this guidance.  I don't think everyone can realistically do what they love.  I love to write in this blog, I love to cook, watch TV and movies and shop.  I can't really get paid to do all of those things. 

I think my generation was raised with this mentality that doing what you love, and what matters to you is paramount.  My personal journey and that of many of my friends has been incredibly different.  I currently do something that I love, but five years ago, I would not have been able to tell you this was a job I wanted, or a job I even knew existed quite frankly.

For me, the sweet spot to professional happiness lies in what you are good at.  What are the skills you bring to the table, the things you consistently do better than anyone around you?  For me, professional happiness and professional success are nearly synonymous.  When I am doing well at work, I am happy.  It means that my skills are of value, my ideas are being implemented and I am looked at as a high-performer.  These things translate into what I love.  For example, I am an excellent communicator. I can write, teach, facilitate and verbally construct ideas that make sense for whatever work I am doing.    

Don't get me wrong; I absolutely think professional happiness is important.  But I think, like any goal worth achieving, there is a strategy to even figuring out what you love and perhaps more articles should be written about that.  Think very carefully about what you are good at, what you default too at work and what people notice.  Figure out ways to do more of that. Find a new job that lets you do more of that.   

When I really stop to think about what got me to professional happiness, it was never doing what I loved.  It was always, having the self-awareness to recognize my strengths and working to put myself in situations where those strengths were evident.  

Perhaps what doesn't sit well with me, what is really wong with all of these articles is the perscriptive nature of their guidance.  "Do what you love!" sounds rather easy but really, professional happiness takes quite a bit of effort to get to.  Perhaps the largest lesson I've learned is to do the work.  Professional happiness may not just come, but you can absolutely build it.

Do I Need to Own a Home?

I am a planner.  Perhaps not a daily planner or a planner of events (in life at least), but a long-term planner.  I often struggle with enjoying the moment because after each accomplishment, I look ahead at accomplishing the next thing.  My singular focus has been professional until recently.  I am currently elated with where I am professionally and hope to be in this position for many years to come.  

And so, naturally, I have started to look ahead at the next accomplishment to be achieved.  Somewhere in the future is a sibling for Myki, someone real so he doesn't need to make-up siblings who live in Asia (yes, this is a real story, made so convincing by my son that his teachers have actually asked me about his siblings).  But more immediately, I've been rolling this idea of home ownership around in my head.  Should we embark on purchasing a home?  It would make the whole sibling discussion much more possible as we currently don't have the space for a family addition, and both my husband and I work from home - another argument for additional space.

I have never been incredibly connected to place though.  Whereas my husband had spent his whole life in Florida until recently, I had lived in six states in my first 23 years.  For a long time, while living in Florida, I had convinced myself that I absolutely needed to live in the DC metro area.  But moving here last year taught me that I didn't need to live here so much as I needed to work at building and maintaining relationships wherever I am.  Feeling isolated is really something I am in control of.  

This leads me back to the home discussion.  If I'm no longer emotionally connected to a particular place and my husband and I both have jobs that allow us to live almost anywhere, should we purchase a home that will keep us in place for at least the next 10 years?  

There are other factors to consider.  Stability is important.  While I may not be connected to place, I think it is important that Myki is, that he has childhood friends who he goes to school with over the years and some kind of consisten extracurriculars like a piano instructor or karate studio.

Owning something, having a positive net worth, is also important.  As a first generation American, I think it is important that I build some volume of wealth, something that can be inherited, borrowed against if need be, sold for a profit.  And paying rent each month is not necessarily a good use of money, especially in an area where renting the square footage we need could easily cost more than a mortgage.  On the other hand, there are so many people under water on their homes, unable to sell homes they can't afford or homes in areas where they don't have professional possibilities.  I definitely don't want to go down that road.

Unfortunately, outlining the pros and cons doesn't get me to a clear answer.  I think the real deal is that it is emotionally important to me that I own a home, purchase a home with my husband for our family to grow and build memories, have sufficient accommodations for family members and friends who want to visit or need a place to stay.  But should such a large financial commitment be made based on my emotional desire for a home?

Looking for some thoughts here - is home ownership important?  Please comment!

Wellness

I always feel fabulous the first few days of a diet.  My body automatically takes to the lowered calories and it's like I instantly lose 15 pounds. My clothes fit better, I look like someone I recognize in the mirror and generally, my energy is pretty high.  It's usually day four or five when I begin to fall off.  It's amazing, or pathetic, how quickly it happens.  And usually, it's just after that first dietary blunder that I go back to feeling like I'm bursting at the seams.  

I have always struggled with my weight - at least in my mind.  I saw a Facebook meme recently that said, "I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat." I have often lamented my college fat levels - they were nonexistent - I was super fly with bumps and lumps in all the right places.  But I really have struggled with it in the last five years.  I somehow crept up over 200 lbs and have maintained that weight.  By struggle, I mean only mentally.  People say they struggle with weight but that's not really an accurate description of what happens - I willfully ignore my weight until I need to get dressed for something important and realize everything is too tight, or I go shopping and pick up a rack of size 14s to try on, only to find I can't get the pants past my thighs or the shirt over my head and I need to go to the plus size section off the store, head lowered in shame.

This is something I would really like to work on.  I have a lot of baggage about the importance of being a healthy mother.  My mother accomplished incredible things professionally but she did so at the expense of her health and always said she did it for her kids, she worked so hard for us.  I was really angry at that statement for a long time - the long-term benefit for us, her children, would have been just a bit more time together, and the peace of mind that comes with having a healthy mother.  At 52, she was knocking on deaths door.  Thankfully she is doing well now, but not without significant health challenges.  As angry as I was at her logic, I have absolutely adopted it as my own.  I will not hesitate to say that I work so hard for my son, to give him experiences and educational opportunities and yes, things. 

But I do this at the expense of my time with him and the energy necessary to take really good care of myself.  

That was a difficult statement to write.  I put work first, almost without exception.  My colleagues and managers would tell you I am one of the hardest working people they know. My husband would say the same.  My son would tell you I work quite a bit and that I am always at work. There are moments when I feel balanced but in the back of my mind, there is the nagging sense that for every accomplished task or mastered arena, there are two things falling through the cracks.  

I've read and written quite a bit about balance in the last few years and have really been obsessed with the idea that I could achieve balance.  I have made incredible strides in that direction and as I go, my definition of balance is changing.  I no longer think it is possible to always feel in balance.  Instead, I think I need to pick the two or three things I will be focusing on and be ok with the fact that the other things will just be maintained in the meantime.  Right now, the three priorities are acclimating to this new job, spending some daily tech and tv free time with Myki and wellness - not weight loss, or exercise per se, but really wellness and ensuring I make it past the four day diet mark this time and maintain this slim and trim feeling.

Traveling

In my current position, I travel quite a bit. When I was hired, I thought that the travel would do me good.  It's an opportunity to spend a periodic night in a hotel, see more of America and spend some quality time with myself.  I am usually rather anxious when left alone with my thoughts - there is always that sense that I should be doing something, catching up on something or with someone. Consequently, my "me" time rarely serves it's purpose.  I usually try to multitask it with something on my to do list, or go deep into panic mode on all that there is too do and why I'm too tired to do any of it.  It just drives me crazy.  

Five business trips in, I am proud to report that the travel is doing me quite a bit of good.  I used to be a great traveler because I did it so much. I packed well, my timing was right and I've never been intimidated by a new place.  During these five trips, it has become painfully clear how out of practice I am.  I forget to pack some things and overpack in other areas.  I'm late or early or just kind of worried about the logistics.  

Surprisingly, these challenges have helped me remember how much I love to travel and how important it is to me that my family and I travel together.  My son is Dominican and black with grandparents from the Dominican Republic, the Deep South and the US Virgin Islands. My husband and I, his parents, grew up in completely different households and are raising him in a home that is very different from either of those.  I want him to not only be comfortable with his mix of roots and cultures, but experience different places and people that will contribute to his worldview.  I believe that the number one thing I can give him as his mother are the experiences and perspective to feel comfortable in his own skin anywhere and in any situation.  Confidence, resilience, flexibility and the humility to appreciate what you have - I think travel can give this to him.

I traveled quite a bit with my family and those memories are my best - long talks with my Dad, dares and adventures with my brother, the joy of seeing something new with people you love and learning things about them that you never would have learned at home.  My current travels are far from exotic - Salt Lake City, St. Louis, Detroit, Oklahoma City, Seattle and Denver - but they are places I've never been before and places I want to see more of.  Most of my prior travels have been international or up and down the East Coast.  There is quite a bit more to this country of ours than I have ever seen, and I am beginning to appreciate that.

I think that has been the largest takeaway for me, the realization that travel doesn't need to be an elaborate international adventure.  It can be an hour's flight away to the Midwest, an 8 hour road trip to the South or a day trip to explore a new corner of the state we live in.

I will keep you posted on where this new definition of adventure takes us and if my husband and son love it as much as I do!

Guidance in Action

Historically, I have not been the most resilient person.  When I get knocked down, I definitely get up, but I do it with a chip on my shoulder.  When one thing goes wrong, it seems to cancel out ten things that have gone right.  But yesterday, I had one of those days where nothing could go wrong; it wasn't that nothing went wrong, it just didn't really phase me when it did. 

I overslept, missed two trains, burnt myself with soup I was trying to buy, had to reschedule a fairly important meeting due to my lateness, took a rather important conference call in a train station and was so exhausted all day by my 20 hour business trip the day before that it felt like I could barely string a cohesive sentence together. But, overall, there were great things about the day and I relished in them!

I'm not sure what kind of indicator that is.  The premise of this blog and so many personal growth initiatives I've endeavored to fulfill in the last five years has been to change my outlook, to view the world through rose-colored glasses, see the glass as half full and recognize the many blessings that permeate my life.  Was this wonderfully disastrous day an indicator that all of my efforts are working?  

I've been thinking quite a bit about a recent statement made by my company's Chairman and CEO.  I've been in a new position for the last two months (hence my blog silence as I dive into this new challenge). After less than two weeks on the job, I attended the company's international kick-off. The Chairman and CEO gave a closing talk that included five pieces of advice, things he's learned in his life and career.  One in particular really stuck with me, "do the work your goals require of you."  

I have been turning that guidance around in my head. It is so simple, and to me, so poignant.  Just like losing weight will not happen spontaneously, my happiness will not just come because I will it forward.  But I've been putting in some work, resolving the things that I am dissatisfied with and creating the circumstances of the life I want.  

So here's to more days of not noticing the trouble and enjoying the good! 

What's My Mom Score? OR Am I doing this right?

According to Wikipedia, "a mother (or mum/mom) is a woman who has raised a child, given birth to a child, and/or supplied the egg which in union with a sperm grew into a child."  The definition of a mother is so straightforward, child = mother, mother = child.  The realities of motherhood are so much more complex.  I am raising, have given birth too and supplied the egg for a child.  His name is Michael and he is amazing.  I am a mother.

The complexity arises in the adjective I suppose.  I am a mother, but am I a good mother or a bad mother?  There is no such thing as the perfect mother, that much I know.  But if I were to make a list of my flaws as a mother (probably not a good idea from a mental health perspective), and put them on a scale with a list of the things that make me an awesome mother (a wonderful activity for my mental health), which side would be heaviest?

I do think I get points for intention.  I always try to do my best and I own up to when I haven't (like this evening's TV marathon) and when I don't do well, I end on a high note (like this evening's story time after said marathon and before bed).  Sometimes I wish there were points, and an actual scorecard.  Not so that I can compare to other Moms' scorecards, just so that I could have documentation that I am doing more right than wrong in this journey of motherhood.

On the positive, I love my son fiercely and I tell him so every chance I get complete with hugs and kisses, I read to him each and every day, push him to do all that he can, try to create experiences for him and work to spend as much time with him as possible.  

On the negative, I cannot seem to get a handle on this cleaning business - how do people keep up with dishes, laundry, clutter, grout and and the vacuum?  I mean, I can maintain the basics (usually) but the details like ironing and dusting are just beyond me.  When I've had a bad day or am in my feelings about something, Myki definitely feels my impatience.  And I spend entirely too much time on electronic devices - on my phone checking my email and social media, my computer writing and working.  He once told me, "Mami, when you aren't looking at your phone, you're a good Mami and when you are looking at your phone, you are not a good Mami."  And another piece for the positive pile, my son is honest!  

Positive Strides

My son and I participated in our first fitness event yesterday.  I currently serve on the National Leadership Team of my sorority but between the work that entails, my professional work, writing, family and friends, I rarely have time to support the local chapters.  One of them hosted a Senorita (that's us) Fun Run at a nearby park. The event raised funds for a literacy organization in Northern Virginia and participants were asked to dress as their favorite literary character.  When I received the announcement, I thought, this is the perfect opportunity to kill two (or five) birds with one stone.

1. Affordable family fun and fitness - Check!
2. Mami and Myki bonding - Check!
3. Explore a new place - Check!
4. Support a local Chapter and some Hermanas (sisters) that are important to me - Check!
5. Fundraise for literacy - Check!

My son has motivated me to do and accomplish so many things since coming into this world four years ago.  When he was born, I found myself in a frenzy.  He deserved so much, including an amazing mother who could show him, through her actions, that accomplishing your goals is only a matter of effort.  So I applied, was accepted to and completed an MBA program that I entered when he was 6 months old.  Every professional decision and job shift has been an effort to excel for him.

And yet, I have not applied this same motivation to my health.  I talk a good game about the importance of being healthy, of living a long and healthy life because that is what I and my family deserve.  I've also made some sincere and substantial efforts at weight loss, fitness and an overall healthy lifestyle.  And to ensure I am not totally self-deprecating, I have held on to some of those good behaviors and implemented some positive changes in the long-term.  But I do need to do more.

I have not committed the same fervor to my health or that of my family as I have to my professional and personal endeavors.  Instead of using Myki as a motivator to my fitness, I have historically used him as an excuse, a reason why I couldn't fit in exercise or make energy for it.  

There was a sixth and unexpected benefit to this morning of fun.  Myki sure did teach me about internal motivation.  The race course was a two or three mile (waiting on confirmed distance) route up one way and back the other.  Myki and I started at a run and quickly slowed to a jog and then a pretty leisurely walk.  About halfway up the first leg, we started to see the other runners come back.  I asked Myki if he wanted to just turn back and run with them to the finish line.  "No mami, we HAVE to keep going!"  He was adamant that he was going to finish the race completely.  We got to the halfway point and he was elated and feeling accomplished.  We turned around and he kept at it.  Just a bit before the finish line, he was really struggling and started saying how tired he was.  Then, just as the finish line was within view, he gave himself a little pep talk:

C'mon Michael, you can do it!  Don't stop.  Don't drop yourself.

Don't drop yourself!  And as we ran across the finish line hand in hand and I heard "we are the champions" in my head, he said, "I did it!  I carried myself the whole way and I won the race."  As the only child to do the whole thing (of 2), he did win the kid's category as well as a frozen yogurt gift certificate for best boys' costume!  It was a great day and gave me a good kick in the butt about the importance of family fitness.

I have signed Myki up for Fall soccer to continue to nurture his competitive spirit and personal perseverance and am committed to signing us up for future Mami and Myki runs this Fall!  #fromthemouthesofbabes

Has your child ever surprised or inspired you with their will and fortitude?  (I know they have!  Tell me about it!)

5 Strategies for Beating the Sleepies

This was initially going to be a piece about how exhausted I have been the last few weeks.  But, inspired by my audience (that's you!) and the spirit of this blog (positive and optimistic!), I thought hard about how to beat this exhaustion that seems to be weighing me down.  

1. Treat Yourself! 

Wake-Up, Get to Work, Work, Pick-Up Son, Dinner, Bath, Sleep - REPEAT
Sometimes, the predictability of routine is exhausting.  Each day passes and nothing much has really happened, no special memories made or story to tell.  Sometimes you need a treat.  This week, I tried to treat myself to something each day.  I took my son out to dinner one night, we baked some delicious banana bread together another and post-bedtime, I watched Pitch Perfect with a glass of wine; I even bought a fancy exfoliating shower gel for some at-home spa time!  

2. Get moving!

Every article I read about fighting exhaustion recommends exercising.  While I have had bouts of fitness success, I struggle in the long term.  One of my challenges is comparing my start to someone else's finish. People run marathons and practice yoga what seems like 24/7.  I wake up and check my email and social media to find that while I rub sleep out of my eyes, my Facebook friends have already completed a five mile run.  No, at the moment I can't run five miles, and especially not at 6 AM, but I sure can walk around the block or up to the park (pictures below of Myki and I's mini-hike) or even just do some jumping jacks, high knees and push-ups with my four year old. 

3. Make a list and check it twice!

Rarely is exhaustion just about a lack of sleep or something physical.  A bad case of the sleepies can be caused by stress, anxiety, overwhelmedness or simply having too much to do!  Write it out - write down everything that is causing these emotions and every errand you need to complete or project you need to think through.  There is much truth to the saying, "you can't have it all."  Take a look at the list and prioritize. What is most important and what is manageable?  I once read a LinkedIn article on the trick of To Do lists that suggested for each day, you make a list of one large task, three medium level tasks and five small tasks.  That is the guideline for a workday.  I propose adjusting that as a personal guide for the week.  For example, this week, I will complete:

Large

1. Resume Job - I have a small resume "business" and have one client this week who needs a winning Federal resume!

Medium

1. Thoughtful Blog Post

2. Chapter Letters - I currently serve as national Director of Expansion for my sorority and owe two chapters an update on various projects 

3. Laundry is mostly done, but I have some folding, hanging and putting away to do.

Small

1. Daily writing/coloring exercise with Myki

2. Breakfast of Champions - I'm trying to address my diet one meal at a time.  This week's task is to master a healthy breakfast.

3. Resume Evaluations - I have two clients in the wings and need to touch base with them 

4. One cooking project with Myki - measurement, following directions, doing someone other than TV together and celebrating with a yummy treat afterward!

5. Read a Chapter of The Secrets to Happy Families, a book I've been trying to get through for months and one my husband and I are trying to implement in our family.

4. You Time!
In a fast-paced world with countless responsibilities, exhaustion can be more about mental energy than anything else.  Your brain is literally tired of always being in motion.  Do you have something you do to clear your mind?  My brain is so busy, I find meditation and yoga exhausting; it is just so hard to clear my thoughts and then I beat myself up for "failing" at something that is supposed to be helpful.  But a nice long shower or some beautification (at-home manicure, salon, massage) always does the trick.  A good book or writing session has also been known to work.  I have a girlfriend who is super crafty, always crocheting or knitting something.  Find what works for you and make some time for it!

5. Sleep!
Then again, sometimes you just need a nap.  Maybe you've been unable to sleep or burning the midnight oil on a project one too many nights in a row.  Conventional wisdom recommends a minimum of six hours of sleep a night, but it is also important to know what your body needs.  Personally, I need more like eight to be fully functioning so sometimes, I just need to go to sleep at 8:30 PM to make up for a few too-late nights or too-early mornings in a row. 

Post-Baby Body Journey

In April my husband and I celebrated five years of marriage and in December we will celebrate eight years together.  I was pregnant with our first and only child within five months of being married and gained 60 lbs during that pregnancy. When I walked in to deliver my son, I weighed 250 lbs.  I am only 5' 3" people; it was out of control. 

 When I was pregnant, I read so much about what was happening to my body. There was a lot of physical change and I wanted to be sure it was all normal.  I also read about post-pregnancy, but that was really focused on nursing and sleep and anything related directly to the baby.

What I never read about was what would happen to my appearance.  I had horrendous stretch marks that literally cover my entire stomach.  Despite the promises of an array of vitamin E and cocoa butter products, they don't fade over time or get smaller.  After delivery, my stomach just deflated....there was So. Much. Skin.  It took 10 months to stretch out and many months to come back.  And after swelling to an H cup, my breasts absolutely lost their youthful perkiness (that is gentle wording for what occurred).  There was also the matter of 30 lbs to loose.  Surprisingly the first 30 were lost in delivery (talk about water weight!)

I stepped fairly easily into new motherhood.  The focus was on the baby.  The changes in my shape, this new focus and the comfort of being with the same man for four years left space for homeliness to set in.  I never really went and bought new clothes for my new body, vowing that I'd make the clothes I had work until my body "came back."  I wore maternity clothes until they were so big they fell off and then pieced together outfits from Target clearance runs, what was left in my closet that I could button or zip and my sister-in-law's hand-me-downs.  She had a big weight loss during this time. Thank goodness, because I might've been naked without her generous contributions.

This state of disarray lasted for close to four years.  I didn't really realize how bad it had gotten until it started to get better. In February 2012, I got a new job in a new city and started to pack up my closet.  Moving is expensive and relocation costs would not be covered.  I decided I wasn't going to pay to move just anything and left 3/4 of my closet behind.   Really examining those contents was eye-opening. "Wow, I don't really like any of this and, it doesn't fit well, and nothing is cut above the matronly length of just below the knee." 

I then got to my new position and stripped away even more, purchasing a few pieces of clothing here and there to support my new look as a power professional, working to hone in on what was flattering versus the "large enough to hide" approach I'd been using. 

I then came across a website, The Shape of a Mother, that showed pictures of women's post-baby bodies.  I found myself clicking through picture after picture, looking for my specific body and it's corresponding "damage."  It was therapeutic I suppose, confirmation that stretch marks, extra weight changing shape was all normal and literally happened to everyone who had a baby. 

In April of this year, my husband and I celebrated five years of marriage and I, for the first time since just after my wedding, got a Brazilian bikini wax.  TMI you say, but this was pivotal moment in rediscovering my sexy post-baby self.  Since then, I've started to notice myself in the mirror.  I still have the good kind of curves, I still have a desirable shape and there are still clothes that can make me look good.  Last week, I wore a thong.  Again, TMI you say, but I guarantee you that the transition from granny panties back to a thong is a serious milestone in the post-baby body journey.

I just came across this post on Babble about "A Beautiful Body Project," more very candid photos of post-baby bodies.  The photographer behind the site is working on a book highlighting the    “movement of women coming together to tell their stories and celebrate their ever-changing bodies so that future generations of women can live free from self-suffering.”

Self-suffering isn't the phrase I would have used, but when I think about it, it's accurate. Depriving myself of a beauty regimen, sexy underthings, curve-hugging attire is self-suffering...placing myself in the role of victim to my changing body versus the empowerment that should come with a body that has brought life into this world.  

At 190 lbs, I've lost the pregnancy weight and look forward to continuing the weight loss journey. But even if my weight maintains, there will be waxes, thongs and hip-hugging garments to remind me of the particular sexy that comes with knowing what your body can do.

Following My Own Advice

"Sometimes you're a good Mami and sometimes you're a bad Mami.  When you work (read: look at your phone) instead of reading the story, you're a bad Mami."

Sometimes you need your baby to tell you how it is.  Recently, I have had an incredibly short attention span. There is always a sense that I am neglecting an email, have waited too long to respond to a networking message or have missed important articles about what is going on in the world or my industry.   

My son's comment is one of many signs that I need to take a moment and clear my head.  I recently realized I had triple-booked myself next week - who does that?  I also currently have at least a dozen draft blog posts in my que and haven't completed one in three weeks; and I've started no less than five books in the last month, finishing exactly none.

I think it is my recent obsession with balance that has me so scattered.  After a bit of a personal and professional dry spell, I have spent the last three or four months making wonderful progress on both fronts.  I've been writing in my blog, serving on an organization's national board and fully engaged in that service, considering entrepreneurship, making incredible inroads at work and networking like nobody's business.  I had resumed fun plans and play dates on the weekends with my husband and son and even managed to lose five pounds.  

Maybe, I thought, maybe I'm close to mastering this balancing act.  But in true Pamela fashion, this bit of success and the excitement it came with fueled my intensity and I thought, I can do more; I can have it all!

I have always subscribed to the philosophy, "go big or go home."  But I think the world of a professional wife and mother, especially one with significant personal and extracurricular commitments (isn't that most of us?), doesn't have room for such rigid thinking.  

While I may write about the importance of balance and allowing yourself the room to make concessions, prioritize and say "no," I have not lived up to my own advice.  I was doing a bit too much the last few months and I think it scrambled my brain a bit.

I look forward to refocusing my efforts, setting feasible goals and being a "good Mami."  For the record, the initial quote from today's post was followed by a very heartfelt declaration if love from my little guy.

Simple Things

Everyday this week, I have layed out Myki's clothes and given him fifteen or so minutes to get dressed.  To my amazement, he has dressed himself!  This feels basic I know, but teaching self-care is not my forte as a mother.  In fact, Myki's ability to dress himself is absolutely a credit to his father. His Dad is really wonderful at teaching him little tricks and tips, shortcuts to pulling pants on and getting your shirt on properly.

I lack a certain patience for teaching self-care.  I also, in true Mami fashion, always want to help and do things for Myki instead of empowering him to do it himself.  My instinct is to carry him despite his being almost four feet tall and I want to scrub him down in the tub (just to make sure he's really clean) and brush his teeth for him (so I can get to the molars!).  But doing everything for Myki is not the answer.  It is absolutely the easier way out for me - if I do it, I know it is properly done and it usually takes half the time.

I know what you are wondering - isn't this counter-intuitive?  In one post, Fine Motor Skills, I am talking about how I don't want teachers to give Myki a pass academically.  And today, I lament the fact that I give him a pass in learning how to take care of himself.  The last two week's of dressing himself has me changing my approach.  First, he's so proud of himself when he dresses himself.  Second, I'm so proud of him when he dresses himself!  This goes to show that four years in, I am still learning from Myki on the regular.

Fine Motor Skills

Myki will officially enter Pre-K next year and Kindergarten the year after that.  His Dad and I have recently refocused our efforts on his academics.  Four year old academics you ask? Yes, we sound and sometimes feel excessive, a little bit Tiger Mother if you will.  Myki meets or exceeds all of the benchmarks for a four year old's development. So, why do we feel the need to push him more?

Our academic desires for him move far beyond ability.  It is really important to us that Michael reach his full potential.  We are obviously bias, but this kid is sharp.  He is inquisitive and creative.  He also has so  much energy!  We have already had one or two teachers in his short academic career refer to him as "having trouble focusing," or say that it is very difficult for him to "sit still."

I have three fears for his academic progress:

1.  When you are really bright and ahead of your peers, it is very easy for you to stop trying.  If being good  comes easy to you, why ever push yourself to be exceptional?  Why work really hard for a B+ in Honors when I can get an A in the regular class?  Why do the extra credit or the homework when I know I'll ace the test?  I want to ensure that Myki doesn't become complacent.

2.  I don't want anyone giving Myki a pass on performing academically.  References to tons of energy are usually a gateway comment to, "maybe he has ADHD" or "boys mature later."  While these things may be true, it's not ok to let a little boy get away with things a girl can't.  Or to let someone with more energy bounce around the room while the other kids are learning.  I don't want Myki to think anything less than focus is ok.  He needs to learn to know that there is a time and place for all kinds of behavior.

3. He'll just get lost in the shuffle or fly under the radar.  In one of Michael's classes, there was a little boy who just got in trouble everyday.  He was putting his hands on other kids, not listening to the teacher, just out of control.  His mom and I would arrive to pick the kids up around the same time and guess which of us was more engaged by the teacher?  The troublemaker's mom.  The teacher would have a 20 minute conversation with her.  If I arrived first and tried to engage her on Myki's progress, she would cut me short when the other mom arrived; "Michael's doing really well.  Have a great night!"  Teachers have large classes and often, not enough resources.  While I understand that, I want to be sure my son never falls through the cracks.  Knowing him and challenging him are important to his development, both at home and at school.

I know that academics are a priority to most parents.  How do you impact your child(ren)'s learning?  We are spending the summer focusing on fine motor skills and writing.  We have daily goals in a workbook and are trying to get Myki used to the idea that each morning and afternoon, he needs to sit down and do a few pages in this workbook before he can do anything fun like TV or the pool.  Sometimes I worry that we are pushing too hard, he is only four after all.  But then I think of my worries above and feel reassured that focusing on his academics now will help him be as great as I know he can be.

B is for Birthday!

My little guy turned four on Wednesday!  Four is a little bit surreal as far as your child's age goes.  Three years old means he can automatically play with twice as many toys (goodbye choking hazard!) and five years old means he is "school-age."  Four is a combination of dull ache because your baby is officially a child, a big kid if you will, and general excitement because he is starting to read, write, ask critical questions and come to very creative solutions and scenarios for how the world works.

Year after year, Myki's birthday gets more and more exciting.  I thought last year Myki really understood that his birthday was a special day.  But last year pales in comparison to this year's excitement!  He has been asking if it is his birthday for the last three months, ever since we began getting birthday party invites from his classmates.  He couldn't wait until his friends sang for him and gave him presents.  

While we couldn't quite pull-off the large birthday party for all, we managed to have an incredibly special day complete with school friends, home friends, strawberry pancakes (as requested), cake, an abundance of presents and of course, the guest of honor, IRON MAN!

My family never really did birthday parties.  I didn't have any until I was old enough to plan and throw them for myself.  And now that I'm an adult, only the divisible by 5 birthdays really seem to matter and I find that all I'd like to do on my birthday is spend some quality "me" time followed by fancy dinner with the family.

I do hope that Myki always feels extra special on his birthday.  As his mom, each year is a celebration of the accomplishments of the past year and anticipation of the successes yet to come.  Happy 4th Birthday Michael!

Do you throw your kids birthday parties?   Are you big on themes and goodie bags, or more of an "invite everyone over to hang out" kind of host?

5 Great Things You Should Read Online This Week

One of the best ways to improve my writing is to read other people's writing.  The more I consume in terms of content, the more I will be able to define what I would like to say and refine how I say it. So, in an attempt to make a name for myself in the blogosphere, here are my highlights for the week, an eclectic mix of blog posts and articles I have found interesting, inspiring and well-written:

1. 5 Things Every WAHP Need on The Happiest Home

The Happiest Home, a blog by Meagan Francis, is full of savvy advice on how to maintain your sanity as a parent.  She has begun posting advice for other parents, particularly moms, who are interested in working at home and making a living as a writer or blogger.  What I love most about The Happiest Home is it feels so practical; the writers have a way of giving common sense advice that feels like new information.

2. Lean In - If You Weren't Afraid

  

If you've been following my blog, you know I'm slightly obsessed with the whole "can women have it all" debate and I'm a pretty big fan of Sheryl Sandberg.  While I may not agree with all of her points, I love that she has used her cache and cultural capital to discuss women, work and leadership.  One of my favorite lines from her book is in the introduction.  She says leaning in is what you would do if you weren't afraid and that for her writing the book is what she would do if she weren't afraid, so she did it!  This Tumblr page is dedicated to declarations of what women would do if they weren't afraid - I love it and find it incredibly inspiring!  Declaring what you would do is the first step to making it real.

If I weren't afraid, I'd become an entrepreneur and trust in my ability to live and support my family off of my writing, facilitation and consulting work.  

What would you do?

3. Levo League   

A good friend introduced me to Levo League (pronounced lay-vo).  I couldn't even pick an article from the site to highlight because I am so amazed by the concept and the content.  This is one of those things I wish I'd thought of!  Click the link and let me know if you have a favorite article or Office Hours video!

They also have a community on MightyBell that I highly recommend.  I was hesitant at first because, let's face it, it is challenging to manage yet another social media platform.  But MightyBell is about making connections that are genuinely mutually beneficial - try it!

"Levo is a growing community of professional women seeking advice, inspiration, and the tools needed to succeed."

4. 7 Tips to Keep You From Punking Out On Your Goals - The Young Mommy Life

Can you see a trend here?  Self-improvement and accomplishing my goals is the topic of the moment in my life.  Tara Jefferson of The Young Mommy Life put her mind to becoming a full-time writer and has built a wonderful compilation of advice, personal anecdotes that inspire, and a consistent message that "you (I) can do it!"  I am working on #2 - What should my alter ego be?  I might borrow Beyonce's - Sasha Fierce?

5. Beyond Money and Power (and Stress and Burnout): In Search of a New Definition of Success by Arianna Huffington

Rounding off today's tidbits with a rather long but awesome article on how we define success.  Arianna Huffington of the Huffington Post argues that right now, money and power are the two metrics most often used to define success.  She is holding a conference in NY next week to discuss definitions of the third metric - how should we define success?  If you are focused on the first two, what are you sacrificing or not nurturing in pursuit of money and power?  Personally, a strong sense of self, passion for what I am doing and some level of balance (i.e. not letting my work be the only thing that defines me) are critical.

PS - I came across this article on LinkedIn.  I have recently re-discovered the value of LinkedIn - there is really some incredible writing there.  And I like that there are separate online homes for my personal and professional self. A post on social media presence is coming soon.

I would love to see any blog posts or articles that you found particularly inspiring or just good.  Send them my way!

Can Women (or I) do Less?

I have spent the last year slightly obsessed with the question, can women have it all?  The first question to consider in this discussion is, how do we define all?  For me "all" is a rather overwhelming concept.  It includes:

- a solid career (not a job) with a comfortable salary, reliable benefits and at least two weeks of paid vacation (preferably three to four);
- the time, energy and resources to nurture my relationships with my spouse, son, extended family and friends;
- feeling as though Myki not only has everything he needs, but also everything I'd like him to have
- the possibility of another Myki
- home ownership
- true health - physical, mental and emotional health
- regularly scheduled "me" time

I know I am not unique in wanting all of these things.  But I've recently read and encountered some perspectives that make me wonder if its detrimental to my overall happiness to seek so much.  My definition of "having it all" includes seven measures that each have complicated and difficult to achieve sub-elements.  Who has the time to perfect each of these things all at once? 

Perhaps the question to ask is, can women do less?  In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg states that working mothers compare their work success to men and their roles as spouse and mother to stay at home moms.  Both comparisons are unfair to ourselves.  Another example - I started running two years ago using the Couch to 5K app.  My goal each day was to finish the cycle; sometimes the run part was more like a slow crawl, but I finished.  I couldn't and didn't compare myself to an Olympic runner, someone whose whole job was to run.  It isn't my full-time job to run and yet I, like many women, don't give myself a break with other things like work and motherhood.

Professionally, I am doing some work with FranklinCovey. Through our work together, I got my hands on a copy of The 4 Disciplines of Execution.  I'm about 60 pages into the book and the first discipline is about focusing your goals.  The book sites brain research that shows humanity is hard-wired to be able to do only one thing at a time.  But as women, we are taught to perpetually multi-task and that doing it all is the goal.  According to the 4 Disciplines, the more you do, the less you do well. 

This is not a revolutionary concept; we have heard it before: 

A jack of all trades is master of none.

For everything you get you have to give something away.



Perhaps the "can women have it all" debate is counterproductive to women's overall happiness and sense of accomplishment?  If I can't balance everything and do everything perfectly, I feel I have failed.  That kind of pressure is not really reasonable.  For me, I think the true test will be refining my definition of "all" and getting comfortable with the idea that everything is a process.  I still beleive the collective measure of "all" can encompass everything above, but I need to slow down and focus on one or two items versus spreading my limited energy and efforts across seven elements.

How do you define having it all?  Is having it all the goal?


Chasing Happy

Motherhood is absolutely a roller coaster with ups and downs.  There are mornings like Mother's Day where Myki says, and I quote, "Mami, you are great.  Oh no!  I need to get you flowers." And mornings like yesterdsy when just before it is time to leave the house, Myki locks me out of my own bedroom.  Consequently, I left the house without finishing the morning coffee I'd left in there or putting on the earrings or deodorant that live on the vanity in said bedroom.

It is moments like yesterday that help me realize I can't be all happy all of the time.  On top of the fact that I am naturally serious, there is no one out there who lives on cloud nine, whose life is all rainbows and butterflies and unicorns.  So the closest I can get to that elusive place of perpetual happiness is to laugh at the stressful times, the ridiculousness of leaving the house with no deodorant on and retell the perfect times like one morning this week when Myki looked up at me with sleepy eyes and told me he'd miss me, he loves me and to have a great day at work.

I hope all of you have a great day at work tomorrow, Monday and all!

I mean, who wouldn't be happy looking at that face?!

5 Lessons My Mother Taught Me

As a mother, you are tasked with caring for, nurturing and challenging your child to be the best person they can be.  Usually, your best example of how to do that is your own mother.  My mother and I have a tumultuous history.  The older I get, the more forgiving I become of a past between us that has both enraged and hurt me.  I now recognize that she did her best with what she had, emotionally and otherwise.  I am grateful for the incredible lessons she's taught me and the example she has set.  I also work to do better in raising my son with the hope that he will do better in raising his own children.  I know I will make my own mistakes along the way and that's ok.  There is no "right way" to parent, only the right intent to love, nurture and do the best that you can.

Lesson #1 - "I don't believe in that" or the Importance of Conviction
Growing up, I thought my mom was so irrationally strict.  I would come home with a proposal to do this or that, having built bullet points and what I thought to be a compelling argument for my participation.  My mom wouldn't even dialogue with me.  She would just say, "you're not doing that, I don't believe in that!"   The most common plea was for something that required sleeping at someone else's house, an idea she was not even open to.  Looking back, I'm glad I wasn't allowed to go; especially as I got older and those sleepovers were just fronts for one kind of bad behavior or another.  While I was trying desperately to be American and like my friends, my mom held true to her convictions about what I could and could not do, and I am grateful for that.  And Myki's sleepovers will be limited, at least.

Lesson #2 - No Excuses, Play Like a Champion
Sacrifice and discomfort are inherent to elevating your station.  My mom sometimes had two plus hour commutes, each way.  She had to stay late for meetings and hire help for drop-off and pick-up and she had to figure out how she'd be able to go on business trips and weekend golf retreats because that's the level she was at.  That wasn't always pretty and she absolutely sacrificed time with her children to do all of these things. But if you ask her, she did it all for us.  No matter how difficult something is, I can do it, because of what she did before me and because Myki gives me strength.

Lesson #3 - Reading is Fundamental

My mom came to the US from the Dominican Republic without even a basic understanding of the language.  She learned English, enrolled in college and got a Bachelor of Science in Chemical Engineering from Pratt Institute of Technology in Brooklyn.  She then enrolled in masters degree courses while a newlywed and got pregnant with me.  She was the only woman, only person of color, only immigrant and absolutely the only pregnant woman in her graduate engineering courses in 1984.  She wasn't able to finish her thesis but took all of the required coursework for a masters before having me.  She earned a Certificate in Project Management from Drexel University when I was ten or twelve and enlisted my brother and I to cut out images for her project presentation board one evening.  Academics, study, literacy is everything.  It is truly the great equalizer.

Lesson #4 - "It Takes a Village to Raise a Child"
Loneliness is probably one of the most challenging emotions to work through, because you have to figure it out by yourself and you have no one to speak to.  People are inherently pack animals; we want and need to be part of a community and a family.  After my parents divorced, I don't think my mom had enough of a village.  She needed more friends who shared her perspective, other women and single moms who had been through a divorce and professional women of color to network with.  My membership in in a Latina-based sorority, Sigma Lambda Upsilon/Senoritas Latinas Unidas, Inc., moderation of the MomsofSLU listserv, friends from college and prior work experiences and professional network fill that void for me.  When I feel overwhelmed by it all or question whether I should be involved in so many things and connected with so many people, I think of my mom and how she needed that.  My mental health is just as important to Myki, if not more so, as it is for me.

Lesson #5 - Parents are Not Your Friends...or your Dictator
A lot of my friends growing up felt like their parents were their friends.  This is apparently a trend of the Millennial generation.  My mom was far from my friend.  She was the woman in charge 100%. But now, now that I'm an adult and a mother, we are more friends or at least, a little bit friends.  I like to think there is a happy medium between pure friendship and pure autocracy.  I am still working to find that place and balance.  Discipline is just as important as listening and engaging in a real dialogue.  Everyone, even children, need to feel like they have some kind of input into their own fate.  Disney's Brave has reiterated the importance of that for me! ;-) 

We Are Adventurers!

There is nothing like watching your baby sleep.  Early on, my mother-in-law told me that when babies sleep, their brains are processing everything they've learned and taken in that day.  Every time I watch Myki sleep, I think about the day we have had and all that he has seen, done and conquered.  Yes, conquered; didn't you know my son was a super hero?

Last night Myki was asleep minutes after story time. That heavy sleep gives me so much pleasure.  I count teacher and adventurer as essential functions of my role as mother.  I will ensure Myki has new, exciting and enriching experiences on a regular basis.  In practice, this means we will pretend to be soldiers or super heroes, we will run as fast as we can and we will try new and a little bit scary things, like letting a giant horse eat an apple from our little hand. His sleep is one of many indicators of my success that day. Today I can say, "you did good Mami."

Honing My Craft

I recently completed a two-day legal writing course for work.  Day one was an essentials of writing or writing basics.  Key takeaways were the importance of brevity, plain English (you're trying to communicate ideas, not out-write anyone) and "fuzzy writing is caused by fuzzy thinking" or, if you don't know what you are trying to say, it won't make any sense.  The course was full of quotes from writers, my favorite being, "books are not written, they are rewritten."  

I have high hopes for this blog and my writing career.  And I am sometimes overwhelmed by the energy and effort that I know is required to make those hopes a reality.

But on a few things, I am clear:

1. I am a talented writer.

2. I am becoming a talented self-editor.

3. I have relevant thoughts to share.

4. I have an audience.

In the introduction to her book, "Lean In," Sheryl Sandberg says that part of leaning in is doing something you are afraid to do.  Calling myself a writer is scary because I know that being a real writer is much more than occasional posts on a personal blog.  But I am a writer and will fill out the title as I go.  This legal writing class solidified that for me - I am a writer.  It's wonderful when two parts of your world can overlap. In this case a work commitment has helped me define myself.

What are you afraid of?  What would it take for you to try it?

Parenting Wheelhouse

I think every parent has their parenting wheelhouse, the part of being a parent that just comes naturally to them.  My Mami wheelhouse is 0-24 months.  I am just phenomenal with infants.  I had no problem taking a step back from everything and focusing solely on mothering a newborn, infant and mini-toddler.  Of course, if I look back at my blog posts, I was hard on myself.  And sure, my personal hygiene decreased initially - how do you find time to shower with a nursing two week old?   But with my 20/20 hindsight, I can absolutely say that I was an awesome new mom.  I was committed to nursing and my body cooperated (hello for gallons of milk!).  I was really laid back about Myki's schedule (no stress); he slept when he was sleepy, ate when he was hungry, snuggled when he was fussy, played when he was feeling playful.  He never fussed at being dressed or bathed, it was awesome. And we had great activities daily...activities were so easy then.  Tummy time, a blanket outside, nature walks once he could walk.  Myki loved picking up everything and was surprisingly good at not eating it.  Myki was walking by nine months and saying real words.  Mike and I were both early walkers and talkers, but I like to think my mothering had something to do with it also.

Daddy on the other hand, seems to be in his wheelhouse right now, on the eve of Myki's fourth birthday.  He is so good at teaching and empowering Myki's independence whereas I still want to baby him and do things for him.  Daddy has taught Myki all kinds of cool tricks so he can dress himself and he really utilizes Myki as a helper so that he is learning to set the table and clean up.  These are all critical skills and its amazing to watch the two of them in action.  They have such an easy flow about them, whereas I feel like the last year or two has been really challenging.  While Myki comes to me for comfort, Daddy is the one he goes to for help and he listens to Daddy.  I have no authority as far as Myki's concerned and discipline is difficult for me.

Our thing right now is reading.  We do read stories together daily and I've been getting longer and longer books to read (even some chapters!).  I'm prepping him for Harry Potter (yep, I've read them all).  I'm hoping by the time he's five he'll have the patience, comprehension and attention span for Book 1.    I'm transitioning from the lament of a lost era to finding my wheelhouse within the little kid stage.

Does this transition happen at every stage?  And will I find another stage as comfortable as that 0-24 months was?  I"m unsure, but at least momentarily, we have books!

Grown Up Plans

If I'm being really honest, I'd like to be an entrepreneur.  My husband and in-laws have been telling me that from the beginning and friends have suggested it.  During a bought of unemployment in 2010, I even began to build the pieces of Fuller Fundraising (yes, I can do better with the name), a consulting company focused on strategic communications, events and development efforts for non-profit organizations.  Ultimately, the risk and a job offer stopped me from seeing that idea through.   And really, the initial set-up and research was a bit off-putting (read as: terrifying).  Building a business is not an easy process and the steps from idea to reality leave a lot of room for self-doubt.  Can I really do this? How long will it take to make a profit?  Will it be enough profit? How much do I need to spend to make a profit? Can I really afford to spend anything on this?  I know I have great ideas and am skilled at what I do, but will other people buy what I'm selling?  Can I even sell?  It was an incredible self-dialogue of worry.

But in the last six months or so, I have really taken to the idea of entrepreneurship.  Both of my parents were entrepreneurs at various points in their careers and at varying degrees of success.  I have seen them both have that faith in themselves and take a risk, invest in all that they are capable of.  Glenn Llopis, a media personality and frequent speaker on diversity management, would attribute my parents entrepreneurial spirit and my recent peeked interest to the "Immigrant Advantage."   There might be something to that idea.  Entrepreneurship is the key to success in most third world countries, including the Dominican Republic where my parents are from.  And as a first generation American, perhaps I've inherited some of that.  I like the idea of a direct connection between my hard work and my bottom line (i.e. my bank account).  I am desperate for some flexibility; WAHM status would provide that.  And having a boss is not necessarily the easiest thing in the world (although I am, of course, an incredible employee ;-).

I think I am a woman of many talents, the largest of which are an incredibly high work ethic and efficiency level.  My husband is always amazed at how hard I work for other people.  His logic is sound; why work so hard for other people when you can work for yourself and really see the rewards of your work?  I currently work in the diversity arena, developing and conducting lots of training and working on issues of workforce and organizational development.  I also write in this blog and more and more, avidly follow other blogs.  I think there's something to those skills and all of my past strategic communications and marketing experience.

The beginning of the month is often a time for goal-setting.  During the month of May, I commit to explore the idea of entrepreneurship further; specifically, what would it look like for me?  Would I be a writer? Can I write in this blog daily? Can I get published or quoted in another blog?  Can I apply my skills on Elance, even just once?  Would I conduct training? and/or special events?  I'm going to think that through.   

Have you ever considered being an entrepreneur?  If you are an entrepreneur, what was the toughest part?

Nature vs. Nurture

One of the most amazing things about parenthood is seeing your own characteristics and that of your child's father (usually good!) in your child(ren). My extended family recently suffered a tragic death, a life ended entirely too soon. He is survived by many loved ones including his wife and toddler son. It is unlikely the baby will remember his father, but more than likely, he will share characteristics with him more than just his appearance.

It's amazing how similar our children can end up being to us, even if we're not around. It begs the question, which is stronger: nature or nurture? There is strong research that proves both nature and nurture can play a significant role in the final product. Research is tricky though because researchers always seem to be able to create the experiment and circumstance that will prove their thesis. Hence all of the conflicting research I think.  I digress...

There are some wonderful things about me that Myki absolutely has.  And some other things that I wouldn't go so far as to say I would change, but that make my role as Mother challenging and might add some turbulence to Myki's life.  He is determined - a desirable trait when you consider all of the adversity he may face as a brown boy and all of the hopes his parents have for his future - also a challenge when manifested into obstinate stubbornness.  Myki is also really sharp - he understands things so quickly.  While I like to think he got that from me, I'm also convinced he's already got me figured out and hustles me on a regular basis.  Like me, Myki has an outward confidence that can border on arrogance, but he is ludicrously sensitive...God help me if I yell at him; there will be tears.

                                             Did the characteristic transference begin then?


There are also things he gets from his father.  They are silly, so silly, but shy - only in their comfort zone will you see the extent of the sillies.  They're performers at the heart of it all; really love discussion and are super affectionate.

What do you think is most prevalent in determining childrens' characteristics; nature or nurture?
Is there anything your child does that absolutely comes from you?

Why Soul Searching?

The original premise of this blog was to search in my soul for the happy person, the person who saw the world through rose-colored glasses, saw the silver lining before the cloud and recognized that the glass is always half full. I know that she's in here somewhere. I absolutely get glimpses of her, but the positivity setting is just not my default. I hold people and things to a close to impossible standard, myself included. I am super sensitive deep down, below the initial "say whatever I want," and very easily hurt and I struggle with self doubt and insecurity and then beat myself up for struggling with self doubt and insecurity. I'm also a big dramatic (my husband would scoff at "a bit" but I think he's biased and as my husband, privy to the worst if it.)

In the opening to Beyonce's HBO documentary, she describes her ambition and the drive that led to her success. She explained that at some point, she had to change that; she had to figure out what she wanted to do and work towards that, but that living in a state of always being dissatisfied wasn't a happy state to be in. She didn't want to be someone who was always going after more. I'm restating her comments in my own words of course, how I heard them and how I applied them to my conundrum and ongoing struggle for satisfaction and positivity. Her words are so relevant to me. My husband has told me that he worries that I will never be truly happy, because after each goal is accomplished, a new and more daunting one is put in its place. There is truth to this and I am trying to find that happy balance between blind ambition and content.

Because the purpose of my blog is positivity, finding and communicating my positivity, I try not to vent. I don't want this to turn into a manifestation of what I like to call my "worst case scenario anxiety panic." I get into these worry spirals where one negative thing will trigger a domino affect in my brain that ends in a panic-ridden "what am I doing my life?" I don't want this to be a space where my irrational worries can grow and fester. So when that's all that's happening, I post a silly Myki sorry or pose a question to my audience or I skip blogging for the day or week.

I'm in one of those places this week. My family suffered a tragic event so I'm in a general melancholy mood, working through my sadness, the trauma of loss, fear of mortality and all that comes with unexpected death. I am also at a professional crossroads, which can be stressful. What is next for me? How big a professional risk am I willing to take to reach the next level? What does the next level even look like for me? I sometimes feel I am neglecting my family - not in terms of physically being there, but really being present with both my husband and son. My financials are not what I'd like them to be and my social life is....limited.

Ok, I did it, I vented.

Thankfully, I'm not quite to the point of the worst case scenario anxiety panic, just a general sense of worry and foreboding. Since Friday night, I've been brooding over these worries and sadness. I was surprised that I did find some positivity in it all. I thought, I have my blog, it will force me to find something positive to say and the catharsis of writing about something good will make me feel good.

So I suppose this post is really a celebration of Soul Searching. When I look back at my initial posts, there's an obvious progression, from personal journal writing to my son's fan page to its current state as a blog dedicated to an audience and hopefully inciting thought and discussion. And when I consider my life today, Soul Searching has worked! Amidst a week of grief and angst, I found a silver lining. The glass is half full because I have you to speak to. (And because I've got this cutie to love and celebrate!)

From the Mouths of Babes

Myki came home today with a blue and green sugar cookies; a preschool homage to Earth Day!  He was super excited.  After dinner, his Dad tells him "we will share the Earth Day cookie like we share the Earth." Myki is surprisingly agreeable to the idea.

Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?
You know how Darla shakes the plastic bag with Nemo as hard as she possibly can?  That's pretty much how Myki treated his Earth Day cookie.

So the time comes to eat it and he says, "Daddy you eat the big piece and I will eat the other big piece and Mami, you will eat the little piece of a piece."

"The crumbs.  Do you mean Mami should eat the crumbs? Is that all Mami is worth, the crumbs?"

"Umm, yea."

"So, do you think that's all Mami is worth?"

"Yes"

While all this is occurring, Myki insists on sitting on my lap, snuggling up on me while I shower him in kisses.  Hopefully, the old adage is true, actions speak louder than words?!

360 Degrees of Self Care

For reasons beyond my control, I have not had quality health insurance for the last year or so.  I've now had insurance since April 1 and have been using it to the maximum extent possible.  The day my insurance cards came in the mail, I spent an hour researching doctor's office and making appointments - the podiatrist, the lady doctor, the dermatologist and a general practitioner.  I'm also in the market for an allergist and some class of mental health professional.

You don't quite appreciate a visit to the doctor until you've been unable to take one.  I've had very good insurance for essentially my entire life.  It literally cost me less than $500 to have my son - complete prenatal care and a c-section delivery.  Since Myki was born, while I had that wonderful insurance, I didn't necessarily have funds for a copay or time to make doctor's appointments, never mind actually going.  I absolutely took my access to care for granted.

This morning, I anxiously went to the gynecologist   I'm one of those people who is totally unnerved by a gyno appointment.  I've been known to cry and I definitely need to be told over and over to relax and "let your knees fall to the side."  I took off my big girl panties (Ha!) and got through it.  As a new patient, we ran through my entire medical history, a sobering conversation.  I recounted my family history of diabetes, remembered a thyroid removal surgery that brought my mom within an inch of her life, and enumerated all of the grandparents, aunts and uncles who died of some form of cancer, usually not found until it was late stage.

I'd never been so relieved to see the doctor, especially this kind of doctor.  But going through a less than positive family medical history made me appreciate my current health insurance that much more.  My dialogue around self-care has been centered around the hair salon, the nail salon, an esthetician (fancy name for waxing) and the occasional massage.  But the reality is that self-care includes the discomfort and inconvenience of medical appointments and preventative care.

It's probably against blogger etiquette to cite a blog that cites another blog, but I'm still learning, so bear with me.  I read a great post a few weeks ago on a mother's self-care:  "Avoiding the Doctor Won't Keep You Healthy."  Blogger Tara Jefferson said it took her three years to make an Ob/Gyn appointment and cited Meagan Francis, Founder of The Happiest Home:

But while bubble baths, massages, and manicures are wonderful things, they’re no substitute for taking real care of our health. And that can involve messy, uncomfortable, inconvenient, and un-pampering processes like screenings, blood tests, mole removals and mammograms.

No, those things don’t make for cute Instagrams or a fun girl’s nights out. But they are vitally important and we owe it to ourselves to make sure that “self care” includes the uncomfortable, un-fun stuff along with scented lotions and facials.