Wellness

I always feel fabulous the first few days of a diet.  My body automatically takes to the lowered calories and it's like I instantly lose 15 pounds. My clothes fit better, I look like someone I recognize in the mirror and generally, my energy is pretty high.  It's usually day four or five when I begin to fall off.  It's amazing, or pathetic, how quickly it happens.  And usually, it's just after that first dietary blunder that I go back to feeling like I'm bursting at the seams.  

I have always struggled with my weight - at least in my mind.  I saw a Facebook meme recently that said, "I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat." I have often lamented my college fat levels - they were nonexistent - I was super fly with bumps and lumps in all the right places.  But I really have struggled with it in the last five years.  I somehow crept up over 200 lbs and have maintained that weight.  By struggle, I mean only mentally.  People say they struggle with weight but that's not really an accurate description of what happens - I willfully ignore my weight until I need to get dressed for something important and realize everything is too tight, or I go shopping and pick up a rack of size 14s to try on, only to find I can't get the pants past my thighs or the shirt over my head and I need to go to the plus size section off the store, head lowered in shame.

This is something I would really like to work on.  I have a lot of baggage about the importance of being a healthy mother.  My mother accomplished incredible things professionally but she did so at the expense of her health and always said she did it for her kids, she worked so hard for us.  I was really angry at that statement for a long time - the long-term benefit for us, her children, would have been just a bit more time together, and the peace of mind that comes with having a healthy mother.  At 52, she was knocking on deaths door.  Thankfully she is doing well now, but not without significant health challenges.  As angry as I was at her logic, I have absolutely adopted it as my own.  I will not hesitate to say that I work so hard for my son, to give him experiences and educational opportunities and yes, things. 

But I do this at the expense of my time with him and the energy necessary to take really good care of myself.  

That was a difficult statement to write.  I put work first, almost without exception.  My colleagues and managers would tell you I am one of the hardest working people they know. My husband would say the same.  My son would tell you I work quite a bit and that I am always at work. There are moments when I feel balanced but in the back of my mind, there is the nagging sense that for every accomplished task or mastered arena, there are two things falling through the cracks.  

I've read and written quite a bit about balance in the last few years and have really been obsessed with the idea that I could achieve balance.  I have made incredible strides in that direction and as I go, my definition of balance is changing.  I no longer think it is possible to always feel in balance.  Instead, I think I need to pick the two or three things I will be focusing on and be ok with the fact that the other things will just be maintained in the meantime.  Right now, the three priorities are acclimating to this new job, spending some daily tech and tv free time with Myki and wellness - not weight loss, or exercise per se, but really wellness and ensuring I make it past the four day diet mark this time and maintain this slim and trim feeling.