Do I Need to Own a Home?

I am a planner.  Perhaps not a daily planner or a planner of events (in life at least), but a long-term planner.  I often struggle with enjoying the moment because after each accomplishment, I look ahead at accomplishing the next thing.  My singular focus has been professional until recently.  I am currently elated with where I am professionally and hope to be in this position for many years to come.  

And so, naturally, I have started to look ahead at the next accomplishment to be achieved.  Somewhere in the future is a sibling for Myki, someone real so he doesn't need to make-up siblings who live in Asia (yes, this is a real story, made so convincing by my son that his teachers have actually asked me about his siblings).  But more immediately, I've been rolling this idea of home ownership around in my head.  Should we embark on purchasing a home?  It would make the whole sibling discussion much more possible as we currently don't have the space for a family addition, and both my husband and I work from home - another argument for additional space.

I have never been incredibly connected to place though.  Whereas my husband had spent his whole life in Florida until recently, I had lived in six states in my first 23 years.  For a long time, while living in Florida, I had convinced myself that I absolutely needed to live in the DC metro area.  But moving here last year taught me that I didn't need to live here so much as I needed to work at building and maintaining relationships wherever I am.  Feeling isolated is really something I am in control of.  

This leads me back to the home discussion.  If I'm no longer emotionally connected to a particular place and my husband and I both have jobs that allow us to live almost anywhere, should we purchase a home that will keep us in place for at least the next 10 years?  

There are other factors to consider.  Stability is important.  While I may not be connected to place, I think it is important that Myki is, that he has childhood friends who he goes to school with over the years and some kind of consisten extracurriculars like a piano instructor or karate studio.

Owning something, having a positive net worth, is also important.  As a first generation American, I think it is important that I build some volume of wealth, something that can be inherited, borrowed against if need be, sold for a profit.  And paying rent each month is not necessarily a good use of money, especially in an area where renting the square footage we need could easily cost more than a mortgage.  On the other hand, there are so many people under water on their homes, unable to sell homes they can't afford or homes in areas where they don't have professional possibilities.  I definitely don't want to go down that road.

Unfortunately, outlining the pros and cons doesn't get me to a clear answer.  I think the real deal is that it is emotionally important to me that I own a home, purchase a home with my husband for our family to grow and build memories, have sufficient accommodations for family members and friends who want to visit or need a place to stay.  But should such a large financial commitment be made based on my emotional desire for a home?

Looking for some thoughts here - is home ownership important?  Please comment!

Traveling

In my current position, I travel quite a bit. When I was hired, I thought that the travel would do me good.  It's an opportunity to spend a periodic night in a hotel, see more of America and spend some quality time with myself.  I am usually rather anxious when left alone with my thoughts - there is always that sense that I should be doing something, catching up on something or with someone. Consequently, my "me" time rarely serves it's purpose.  I usually try to multitask it with something on my to do list, or go deep into panic mode on all that there is too do and why I'm too tired to do any of it.  It just drives me crazy.  

Five business trips in, I am proud to report that the travel is doing me quite a bit of good.  I used to be a great traveler because I did it so much. I packed well, my timing was right and I've never been intimidated by a new place.  During these five trips, it has become painfully clear how out of practice I am.  I forget to pack some things and overpack in other areas.  I'm late or early or just kind of worried about the logistics.  

Surprisingly, these challenges have helped me remember how much I love to travel and how important it is to me that my family and I travel together.  My son is Dominican and black with grandparents from the Dominican Republic, the Deep South and the US Virgin Islands. My husband and I, his parents, grew up in completely different households and are raising him in a home that is very different from either of those.  I want him to not only be comfortable with his mix of roots and cultures, but experience different places and people that will contribute to his worldview.  I believe that the number one thing I can give him as his mother are the experiences and perspective to feel comfortable in his own skin anywhere and in any situation.  Confidence, resilience, flexibility and the humility to appreciate what you have - I think travel can give this to him.

I traveled quite a bit with my family and those memories are my best - long talks with my Dad, dares and adventures with my brother, the joy of seeing something new with people you love and learning things about them that you never would have learned at home.  My current travels are far from exotic - Salt Lake City, St. Louis, Detroit, Oklahoma City, Seattle and Denver - but they are places I've never been before and places I want to see more of.  Most of my prior travels have been international or up and down the East Coast.  There is quite a bit more to this country of ours than I have ever seen, and I am beginning to appreciate that.

I think that has been the largest takeaway for me, the realization that travel doesn't need to be an elaborate international adventure.  It can be an hour's flight away to the Midwest, an 8 hour road trip to the South or a day trip to explore a new corner of the state we live in.

I will keep you posted on where this new definition of adventure takes us and if my husband and son love it as much as I do!

Positive Strides

My son and I participated in our first fitness event yesterday.  I currently serve on the National Leadership Team of my sorority but between the work that entails, my professional work, writing, family and friends, I rarely have time to support the local chapters.  One of them hosted a Senorita (that's us) Fun Run at a nearby park. The event raised funds for a literacy organization in Northern Virginia and participants were asked to dress as their favorite literary character.  When I received the announcement, I thought, this is the perfect opportunity to kill two (or five) birds with one stone.

1. Affordable family fun and fitness - Check!
2. Mami and Myki bonding - Check!
3. Explore a new place - Check!
4. Support a local Chapter and some Hermanas (sisters) that are important to me - Check!
5. Fundraise for literacy - Check!

My son has motivated me to do and accomplish so many things since coming into this world four years ago.  When he was born, I found myself in a frenzy.  He deserved so much, including an amazing mother who could show him, through her actions, that accomplishing your goals is only a matter of effort.  So I applied, was accepted to and completed an MBA program that I entered when he was 6 months old.  Every professional decision and job shift has been an effort to excel for him.

And yet, I have not applied this same motivation to my health.  I talk a good game about the importance of being healthy, of living a long and healthy life because that is what I and my family deserve.  I've also made some sincere and substantial efforts at weight loss, fitness and an overall healthy lifestyle.  And to ensure I am not totally self-deprecating, I have held on to some of those good behaviors and implemented some positive changes in the long-term.  But I do need to do more.

I have not committed the same fervor to my health or that of my family as I have to my professional and personal endeavors.  Instead of using Myki as a motivator to my fitness, I have historically used him as an excuse, a reason why I couldn't fit in exercise or make energy for it.  

There was a sixth and unexpected benefit to this morning of fun.  Myki sure did teach me about internal motivation.  The race course was a two or three mile (waiting on confirmed distance) route up one way and back the other.  Myki and I started at a run and quickly slowed to a jog and then a pretty leisurely walk.  About halfway up the first leg, we started to see the other runners come back.  I asked Myki if he wanted to just turn back and run with them to the finish line.  "No mami, we HAVE to keep going!"  He was adamant that he was going to finish the race completely.  We got to the halfway point and he was elated and feeling accomplished.  We turned around and he kept at it.  Just a bit before the finish line, he was really struggling and started saying how tired he was.  Then, just as the finish line was within view, he gave himself a little pep talk:

C'mon Michael, you can do it!  Don't stop.  Don't drop yourself.

Don't drop yourself!  And as we ran across the finish line hand in hand and I heard "we are the champions" in my head, he said, "I did it!  I carried myself the whole way and I won the race."  As the only child to do the whole thing (of 2), he did win the kid's category as well as a frozen yogurt gift certificate for best boys' costume!  It was a great day and gave me a good kick in the butt about the importance of family fitness.

I have signed Myki up for Fall soccer to continue to nurture his competitive spirit and personal perseverance and am committed to signing us up for future Mami and Myki runs this Fall!  #fromthemouthesofbabes

Has your child ever surprised or inspired you with their will and fortitude?  (I know they have!  Tell me about it!)

Simple Things

Everyday this week, I have layed out Myki's clothes and given him fifteen or so minutes to get dressed.  To my amazement, he has dressed himself!  This feels basic I know, but teaching self-care is not my forte as a mother.  In fact, Myki's ability to dress himself is absolutely a credit to his father. His Dad is really wonderful at teaching him little tricks and tips, shortcuts to pulling pants on and getting your shirt on properly.

I lack a certain patience for teaching self-care.  I also, in true Mami fashion, always want to help and do things for Myki instead of empowering him to do it himself.  My instinct is to carry him despite his being almost four feet tall and I want to scrub him down in the tub (just to make sure he's really clean) and brush his teeth for him (so I can get to the molars!).  But doing everything for Myki is not the answer.  It is absolutely the easier way out for me - if I do it, I know it is properly done and it usually takes half the time.

I know what you are wondering - isn't this counter-intuitive?  In one post, Fine Motor Skills, I am talking about how I don't want teachers to give Myki a pass academically.  And today, I lament the fact that I give him a pass in learning how to take care of himself.  The last two week's of dressing himself has me changing my approach.  First, he's so proud of himself when he dresses himself.  Second, I'm so proud of him when he dresses himself!  This goes to show that four years in, I am still learning from Myki on the regular.

Can Women (or I) do Less?

I have spent the last year slightly obsessed with the question, can women have it all?  The first question to consider in this discussion is, how do we define all?  For me "all" is a rather overwhelming concept.  It includes:

- a solid career (not a job) with a comfortable salary, reliable benefits and at least two weeks of paid vacation (preferably three to four);
- the time, energy and resources to nurture my relationships with my spouse, son, extended family and friends;
- feeling as though Myki not only has everything he needs, but also everything I'd like him to have
- the possibility of another Myki
- home ownership
- true health - physical, mental and emotional health
- regularly scheduled "me" time

I know I am not unique in wanting all of these things.  But I've recently read and encountered some perspectives that make me wonder if its detrimental to my overall happiness to seek so much.  My definition of "having it all" includes seven measures that each have complicated and difficult to achieve sub-elements.  Who has the time to perfect each of these things all at once? 

Perhaps the question to ask is, can women do less?  In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg states that working mothers compare their work success to men and their roles as spouse and mother to stay at home moms.  Both comparisons are unfair to ourselves.  Another example - I started running two years ago using the Couch to 5K app.  My goal each day was to finish the cycle; sometimes the run part was more like a slow crawl, but I finished.  I couldn't and didn't compare myself to an Olympic runner, someone whose whole job was to run.  It isn't my full-time job to run and yet I, like many women, don't give myself a break with other things like work and motherhood.

Professionally, I am doing some work with FranklinCovey. Through our work together, I got my hands on a copy of The 4 Disciplines of Execution.  I'm about 60 pages into the book and the first discipline is about focusing your goals.  The book sites brain research that shows humanity is hard-wired to be able to do only one thing at a time.  But as women, we are taught to perpetually multi-task and that doing it all is the goal.  According to the 4 Disciplines, the more you do, the less you do well. 

This is not a revolutionary concept; we have heard it before: 

A jack of all trades is master of none.

For everything you get you have to give something away.



Perhaps the "can women have it all" debate is counterproductive to women's overall happiness and sense of accomplishment?  If I can't balance everything and do everything perfectly, I feel I have failed.  That kind of pressure is not really reasonable.  For me, I think the true test will be refining my definition of "all" and getting comfortable with the idea that everything is a process.  I still beleive the collective measure of "all" can encompass everything above, but I need to slow down and focus on one or two items versus spreading my limited energy and efforts across seven elements.

How do you define having it all?  Is having it all the goal?


There is a Silver Lining

I hadn't even had a chance to write about my new gig before it was over. After three years at Best Buddies, with various levels of frustration, I finally dedicated myself 100% to finding a new opportunity. It seemed like the dream job - a 20% salary increase, no travel, and working for a cause I was passionate about - the American Diabetes Association. Diabetes is an epidemic, a completely preventable (in the case of Type 2) epidemic. My mom is blind, my uncle an amputee, my father-in-law suffers from bleeding in his eyes, another aunt and uncle, insulin dependent, my husband and I, overweight! If I was going to be away from Myki, what better thing to do than work to improve his future, to help bring reality to a world free from diabetes.

Unfortunately, it wasn't all I'd hoped it would be. The Miami office is in Doral, quite a commute from my Pompano Beach home and they are going through their own growing pains and transition: no real leadership for years, falling short of budget, a complete lack of office procedures and a clique that was hard to penetrate. So in the words of my boss, it wasn't the right fit.

I should have cried, kicked and screamed, told them to fuck off! But I just said thank you and good luck and gathered my things. I think she was right, it wasn't the right fit. I'm sure she and I would disagree on why, but that doesn't really matter. So for the first time in my working career, I find myself unemployed. The instinct is to panic. We have a son, bills, no significant savings account, more bills. And although I've had moments of weakness, moments of whoa is me, I'm trying to keep my head up.

My friends and family have helped, presenting me with incredible support and silver lining proposals:

- God has something bigger in mind for you.
- Good riddance, who wants to be aggravated every day
- It has nothing to do with you, you know that.

So I'm going to take my time, find that perfect opportunity - near home, good pay, security. And while I'm searching, I'll be able to focus on the important things that have fallen to the wayside....the 30 lbs I need to loose to be below my at-risk weight for diabetes, reading books to my son, maintaining a clean and safe home for my family, calling my relatives, sending email updates to the world, being the best, mother, wife, sister, daughter, in-law, friend I can be and hopefully, writing in my blog! Hopefully I haven't lost all of my audience.