Raising a Thoughtful and Compassionate Man

My son will be four in June.  Try as I may to hold on to his baby-hood, he is absolutely turning into a child, and sooner than I'd like, he will be a teenager and eventually (many moons from now), a man.  At 28 years old, I feel like I am still growing up, still learning and hopefully, growing.  As I mature and see changes in myself, I think often of the kind of man I'd like my son to be, and the things I can do to contribute to his greatness.

I work in the arena of diversity and inclusion.  Last week, I spoke to a college class on my work and what it is like to be an Afro-Latina in the workplace.  My co-panelist was a Black man, originally from Alabama, raised mostly in Texas and now very successful professionally.  In what I can only describe as a misguided attempt at admiration, a student asked him, "who do you credit with not being a stereotypical Black man?"  "I'm not sure what you mean," he responded.  "You know, like a gangster," complete with fake gang signs and some allusion to baggy clothes.  He thought for a moment and credited his family for the man he is today.  He said he grew up in a large family and the adults who raised him were very cognizant of the fact that they were raising a Black man in America.  My father-in-law and husband have also talked about the nuance of raising a Black boy in this country and the reality that as mother to a little black boy, a need to be vigilant in my defense and support of Michael's education, I need to ensure I hold him accountable and expect greatness from him even if the world does not, and that I educate him on his safety, composure, and demeanor in any situation.

I am rather outspoken.  I always say that my father raised me much more as his "first born," than as his daughter; he empowered me to say what was on my mind, to tackle any problem with a solution and do nothing less than my best.  These are traits that have served me well, and characteristics I'd like my son to have.  I want him to be able to defend himself, speak up for himself and show the world how incredible he is.

But I am learning, in my old age, that saying everything that is on your mind is not always valuable.  During the 2010-2011 school year, I served as the Manager of Development & Marketing for Unity School, a small private Preschool through Middle School in Palm Beach County, Florida.  The school has a humanistic approach and an emphasis on nurturing the greatness within.  It was all a bit fluffy for my taste, but I know the year I spent there was a valuable one, and it provided incredible insight into the kinds of values I'd like to instill in my son.   When I first started, the Head of School gave me a magnet: TKN.  According to the magnet, before you speak, you should consider: Is it True?  Is it Kind?  Is it Necessary? - TKN.  No one can accuse me of ever being less than truthful.  But in my youth, I absolutely said things that were less than kind and probably not necessary.  But I thought them, so I said them and I was unapologetic about that.

As I grew professionally however, I pulled back, tried to be more thoughtful in what I vocalized.  It was only when I was more thoughtful in what I said, that I could recognize the detriment in saying everything that came to my mind.  I used to take a lot of pride in my "realness."  I put it all out on the table, so to speak.  And while I am still outspoken and not afraid to say what I think, good or bad, that extra bit of thought has been incredible beneficial.  It has been a part of my "growing up." I think that both professionally and personally, my "realness" has gotten me into trouble, hindered me in some cases.  I'd like to teach Myki to be unapologeticlly honest and never be afraid to speak up, say what he thinks, but also balance that with tact and ultimately, compassion.

I just recently saw the picture below on Facebook, an expansion of TKN.  In the last few weeks, I've encountered some rather unhelpful people in some surprising places; people I thought were friends or at least in that middle place between acquaintance and friend.   In one particular instance, a so-called friend insulted how I define myself as a mother, my professional appearance, my ethnic/natural hair, my son's grooming, and my husband's employment in a only a few hours.  I sincerely believe she thought she was being friendly, utilizing a confidence or comfort level that we probably do not have.  But ultimately, her comments were not helpful, inspiring, kind or in any way necessary.

I hope to raise a man who is compassionate in the things he says and can express his opinions in the most helpful manner possible. I hope to raise a man with all of my exterior confidence and his father's gentleness.  And I hope to save him some of the time it took me to recognize the value of THINKing before I speak.