Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Raising a Thoughtful and Compassionate Man




My son will be four in June.  Try as I may to hold on to his baby-hood, he is absolutely turning into a child, and sooner than I'd like, he will be a teenager and eventually (many moons from now), a man.  At 28 years old, I feel like I am still growing up, still learning and hopefully, growing.  As I mature and see changes in myself, I think often of the kind of man I'd like my son to be, and the things I can do to contribute to his greatness.

I work in the arena of diversity and inclusion.  Last week, I spoke to a college class on my work and what it is like to be an Afro-Latina in the workplace.  My co-panelist was a Black man, originally from Alabama, raised mostly in Texas and now very successful professionally.  In what I can only describe as a misguided attempt at admiration, a student asked him, "who do you credit with not being a stereotypical Black man?"  "I'm not sure what you mean," he responded.  "You know, like a gangster," complete with fake gang signs and some allusion to baggy clothes.  He thought for a moment and credited his family for the man he is today.  He said he grew up in a large family and the adults who raised him were very cognizant of the fact that they were raising a Black man in America.  My father-in-law and husband have also talked about the nuance of raising a Black boy in this country and the reality that as mother to a little black boy, a need to be vigilant in my defense and support of Michael's education, I need to ensure I hold him accountable and expect greatness from him even if the world does not, and that I educate him on his safety, composure, and demeanor in any situation.

I am rather outspoken.  I always say that my father raised me much more as his "first born," than as his daughter; he empowered me to say what was on my mind, to tackle any problem with a solution and do nothing less than my best.  These are traits that have served me well, and characteristics I'd like my son to have.  I want him to be able to defend himself, speak up for himself and show the world how incredible he is.

But I am learning, in my old age, that saying everything that is on your mind is not always valuable.  During the 2010-2011 school year, I served as the Manager of Development & Marketing for Unity School, a small private Preschool through Middle School in Palm Beach County, Florida.  The school has a humanistic approach and an emphasis on nurturing the greatness within.  It was all a bit fluffy for my taste, but I know the year I spent there was a valuable one, and it provided incredible insight into the kinds of values I'd like to instill in my son.   When I first started, the Head of School gave me a magnet: TKN.  According to the magnet, before you speak, you should consider: Is it True?  Is it Kind?  Is it Necessary? - TKN.  No one can accuse me of ever being less than truthful.  But in my youth, I absolutely said things that were less than kind and probably not necessary.  But I thought them, so I said them and I was unapologetic about that.

As I grew professionally however, I pulled back, tried to be more thoughtful in what I vocalized.  It was only when I was more thoughtful in what I said, that I could recognize the detriment in saying everything that came to my mind.  I used to take a lot of pride in my "realness."  I put it all out on the table, so to speak.  And while I am still outspoken and not afraid to say what I think, good or bad, that extra bit of thought has been incredible beneficial.  It has been a part of my "growing up." I think that both professionally and personally, my "realness" has gotten me into trouble, hindered me in some cases.  I'd like to teach Myki to be unapologeticlly honest and never be afraid to speak up, say what he thinks, but also balance that with tact and ultimately, compassion.

I just recently saw the picture below on Facebook, an expansion of TKN.  In the last few weeks, I've encountered some rather unhelpful people in some surprising places; people I thought were friends or at least in that middle place between acquaintance and friend.   In one particular instance, a so-called friend insulted how I define myself as a mother, my professional appearance, my ethnic/natural hair, my son's grooming, and my husband's employment in a only a few hours.  I sincerely believe she thought she was being friendly, utilizing a confidence or comfort level that we probably do not have.  But ultimately, her comments were not helpful, inspiring, kind or in any way necessary.

I hope to raise a man who is compassionate in the things he says and can express his opinions in the most helpful manner possible. I hope to raise a man with all of my exterior confidence and his father's gentleness.  And I hope to save him some of the time it took me to recognize the value of THINKing before I speak.





Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Four-Sided Babysitter

I read an article once that discussed the "Mom Wars;" the passive aggressive comparisons that occur between moms.  "So-and-so just started walking at 10 months old, can you believe it?" "That's so great! Myki walked at 9 months."  ...you know you've done that!  For the most part, I don't even think we mean to do it.  Sometimes, things like that come out of my mouth and I don't realize how bad it sounds until it's out, how there's an automatic comparison that I didn't mean to be there.  The same article  described statistics on television watching.  On average, when Pediatricians ask parents how many hours of TV their children watch on a given day, they'll tell the doctor approximately half of the hours they really watch.

The recommended TV time for small children / early childhood is no more than two hours a day.  That sounds like a lot, four shows essentially.  But avoiding the four-sided babysitter is harder than I ever thought it would be, especially with some very high quality programming that feels much more educational than just talking to Mami.  My 3 1/2 year old knows 20-something different dinosaur species, the difference between a carnivore and a herbivore and some really adorable songs thanks to Dinosaur Train.  He knows the colors of the rainbow, a basic version of the scientific method and what a microscope does from Sid the Science Kid.  He introduces me to different animal species from Wild Kratz.  Can that much information really be wrong?!

In the last few months though, my husband and I have wondered if we're taking the easy way out with the television.  Yes, the shows are great and yes, he learns a lot.  But his behavior and listening have also been slipping.  Myki was coming home from school and demanding that the TV go on.  He was unable to respond to a question or acknowledge your presence with the TV on.  And he was generally ignoring instructions and requests.  Last week, we put our feet down!  We decided to nix weekday TV and implement some of the structure we had mastered in Florida (Side-note: We are still adjusting to relocation a year later!).

At first, I found the transition away from TV very difficult.  I have a huge workload and I've always struggled with making a mental break from work when I come home.  I also don't really get any downtime to unwind and decompress.  I get off of work and either come home to my husband and son or go pick up my son.  With TV, I could at least come back to my room, undress, take a moment.  Now, it's full throttle activity.  I'm also not great at playing...especially when I'm tired.  So keeping the TV off is a challenge for me to delve into the world of make believe.  And, like most moms, I am plagued by mom guilt and just really struggle with using the little time I have with Myki every evening to fight about the TV or anything else.  Alas, this is a necessary evil.

But I am pleased to report that a few weeks of this struggle has paid off!  Tonight, from arrival home to being tucked into bed, Myki did not even mention the TV!  He played with his toys, told us about his day, got in the tub, brushed his teeth with little argument, got himself dressed (from underwear to slippers) and asked for stories!  Who is this self-sufficient and well- behaved little boy (notice, I did not say baby)?  While the four-sided babysitter has absolutely felt easy and even valuable, I think the Pediatricians might be onto something.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Feminism in the News

Like many women, I've been following the recent media conversations around work-life balance and women in the workplace.  Since having my son in 2009, balance has been an elusive and fascinating concept for me.  I am obsessive by nature, which does not make for balance.  So the last four years of my life have really been an education in moving away from obsession and moving towards a more equitable distribution of not just my time, but also my mental energy, emotion and effort.  I do not have the answers; I'm not sure anyone really does.  But four years in, I absolutely feel prepared to look at marriage, motherhood, friendship, my career and the many other roles I play with equal parts dedication and rationality; dedication to always do my absolute best and rationality, knowing that there are only so many hours in the day and so much within my control.


The most interesting part of all of the most recent discussions around women's issues has been the divergence among women as to what the right answer is.  Unfortunately, the most vocal critics of Anne Marie Slaughter, Sheryl Sandberg, etc., have been other women.   According to Wikipedia, "Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights for women."  I thought the definition was telling...apparently the definition of Feminism is as broad as the definition of Religion, it's a collection of things.  


...Feminism is a collection of movements.  I recently met a college student who said she can't call herself a Feminist.  When asked why, she said she didn't feel like she'd done enough to earn the title, as if there was a certain number of hours you had to contribute to feminist causes to consider yourself a Feminist.  Along similar lines, I often wonder if I can call myself a Feminist despite taking my husband's last name (no hyphen  no keeping my own) without much discussion or debate.  These rather narrow views of Feminism are absolutely part of the problem.  Like all marginalized groups, if we can not come to consensus on even a common identity as feminists, how can we move forward?  The backlash that many recent writings and commentaries have received from other women has solidified my commitment to and my idea of what it means to be a feminist.  I am absolutely a feminist.  Why?  Because I care about the advancement of women and hope that we can find balance (whatever that looks like for each of us) and excel in whatever our chosen arena (or, all of our chosen arenas).  


With that in mind, my personal thoughts on all of the recent media:


Why Women Still Can't Have it All? by Anne-Marie SlaughterSlaughter makes a really valid point about timing.  Can women have it all?  Absolutely!  Can they have it all at the same time?  Probably not....not until workplace policies and practices really allow for professional growth within the context of workplace flexibilities.  I often consider my maternity leave and subsequent generous telework policy after my son was born.  There's a certain reality to "out of sight, out of mind."  While I was doing incredible work, I was simply not present in the office for months and when I reappeared, my physical time in the office was sparse; I probably was not on anyone's short list for the next promotion.

Is There Life After Work? by Erin CallanCallan, a former COO of Lehman Brothers' ultimate thesis is that she could have achieved all that she achieved and still had a life.  I question that.  I think women are inherently at a disadvantage in certain arenas.  Like people of color, women often have to work twice as hard for minimum recognition and have to essentially overcompensate for the unconscious bias that many decision-makers (often white males).  Personally, I have made sacrifices within my personal life to accommodate my professional responsibilities and I have also opted to "have a life" and not bend myself in a pretzel to accommodate something work-related.  I think there are times when not pushing "life" aside has hindered me professionally and vice versa, times when putting work first has benefited me. 

Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg (link is to LeanIn.org, her non-profit organization)I'm only three chapters in, but I feel like Sandberg is speaking to me.  She's thoughtful in her argument, has a conversational and easy-to-read tone, and acknowledges that she speaks from a position of privilege.  Her book is more of a challenge to women to "lean in," and demand our seat at the table.  


What do you think of all this feminist talk?  Is there a "right answer" or a "right path" to having it all?  What does "having it all" look like?     


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Bucket List before 30

Inspired by a post written on The Young Mommy Life, 30 before 30 by Tara, I began to consider what I'd like to accomplish by 30. Tara wrote her post at 24; a lot can happen in six years! I have just under two years until 30, so my list may be a bit more conservative.

While 30 used to be the boundary between old and young, I've heard really great things about the 30's from friends who are now nearing their 40's.

For me, my 20's have been full of really huge life events.  Since 20 I have graduated college and graduate school, contended with my mother's vision loss and precarious health, gotten married, had a baby, relocated from DC to South Florida and back again and held five different jobs (career experiments if you will).  As I near 30, I look forward to more stability and really establishing myself as a woman, wife, mother, friend and professional.

1. Buy a new car, like a 2014 at the end of 2013.  I've only ever purchased a used car and I'm over it.  I want to pick out my own interior and all the bells and whistles.

2. Pay off all of my consumer debt (I am more than halfway there!)

3. Contribute at least $15,000 to my student loans.

4-8. Improve my self-care and pampering. This means the hair salon, the nail salon, an esthetician and potentially some lessons in make-up application! I've also gotten a couple spa treatments in my life, and that absolutely needs to occur on a biannual basis, at least.

9. Go on a family vacation with my brother - we're thinking something all-inclusive in the Caribbean

10. Take Myki to Disney World for his 5th birthday - on property, photo ops with Mickey, all the fancy trim Disney has to offer.

11. Go on a trip with my husband, just he and I!

12. Introduce my husband to Broadway - dinner, a show and hopefully a hotel afterward.

13. Lose at least 30 lbs (lingering baby weight).

14. Complete this 21 Day Meditation Challenge

15. Complete at least one cycle of "Couch to 5k" (I've had this app on my phone for over three years and never made it past week 4 - shameful)

16. Run a 5k; not a regular one though, one of these mud runs or color races.

17. Buy my family bicycles and be one of those families that goes on long Saturday bike rides (weather permitting).

18.  Once I've lost that 30 lbs, have one of those noire photo shoots done, documented evidence that I still got it!

19. Complete a massive photo album with the 100s, maybe 1,000s of digital pictures I have of Myki's first years (5 by then)

20. Achieve professional stability.  I'll elaborate on what that means when I get there.

21. Visit some of my friends who live in places I've never been - Hawaii, Texas (well, a different part than I've ever been too), St. Louis and Southern California.

22. Mentor someone; a young professional, a new mother, etc.  Not just a casual mentorship but a real ongoing relationship.

23. Do something with my writing.  I currently have this blog for my leisure and I moderate a moms listserv for my sorority, but I'd like to earn some kind of income with something I write, freelancing or blogging or even writing a book.

24. Get a really nice technology suite - a top of the line desktop or laptop (dare I say, a Mac) with all the programs I could possibly need, high-quality digital camera, a wireless 5-in-1 printer.

25. Fully decorate my house (or apartment or wherever I live) - pictures all framed and hung, no clutter (just sensible and stylish storage), details and accents like throw pillows and complete bedding (instead of the conglomeration of sheets my mom has given me and pieces we bought at Homegoods)

26. Feel like I am staying in touch with all of my friends.  I have these moments where I feel so lonely, but I have like 100's of friends and I just don't seem to manage keeping in touch very well.

27. Reignite my cooking skills - I am a damn good cook!  But I've been so distracted recently I seem to burn, underseason, oversalt everything.

28. Get in touch with my crafty side - Myki loves projects and I used to love them (I have the scrapbooks to prove it!)  I need to find that patience again and share it with him.

29. Take a creative writing class.  I think this will help with #23

30. Conquer my exhaustion - I am always tired, like always.  I could go to sleep at any point in any day.  I think most of the sleepies are caused by worry and accomplishing this list would diminish a lot of that.

I will pass Tara's torch, what are your goals?  30 just happens to be where I am, but feel free to modify based on where you are - 75 before 75, 19 before 19, etc.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Informed Parent vs. Squeaky Wheel

I had a meeting with my son's preschool teacher this morning.  He is just over 3 1/2 and has been in his current school since mid-September 2012, so about six months.  In this time, he's been in two different classrooms, and will be moving again in June, promoted to the school readiness preschool room for four-year-olds.  Thankfully, he should be in that room a full year and then, dare I say it, Kindergarten (What?!  who has a Kindergartner? I am still mother to a baby, that's right a 4 ft tall baby!).  Denial aside, my son will be in elementary school in less than two years.

There are countless studies enumerating the benefits of parental involvement in school; articles espousing the increased success and accomplishment of students with engaged parents; and charter schools that won't let students in without signatures and tangible commitments from their parents.   I get it; I'm supposed to know what is going on as Michael's parent, supposed to help with homework, reinforce concepts at home and go to PTA meetings.  And I have always had every intention of doing that and have worked to build lines of communication with his teachers.  But I must say, it's been a bumpy road thus far.  Myki has been in four daycare/preschool centers since his birth due to varying circumstances (job transitions, waiting lists and inflexible commutes).  

In each case, the communication between his teacher and I did not come naturally as you'd think it would, or as easily as the books said it would be.  Sometimes, it's like pulling teeth.  And sometimes it has felt like the teacher doesn't REALLY know him, his development or his personality.  Today's meeting was somewhere between the best and worst I've ever had.  The teacher had not been informed that a meeting was scheduled (awesome!).  She proceeded to explain the classroom structure and how Myki was evaluated (six months in and this is the first I hear of it).  She then asked me what my objectives were for Myki and what I wanted to see in terms of progress and objectives.  I explained that I wanted as much communication as possible and what my goals were for Myki's development.

There wasn't much feedback, just very sincere smiles and nods.  I absolutely believe that his teacher wants to fulfill my expectations, but I'm not sure she knows very much about Myki, or perhaps she's been instructed not to provide critical feedback, or any feedback?  I know some parents just don't want to hear it, and I tried to make it clear that I want to hear it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. Nurturing Myki's strengths and recognizing and addressing his weaknesses is critical  - standard problem solving logic, right?

Whenever I have these meetings, I almost feel guilty.  I never know if I am being a good proactive parent or a squeaky wheel?  Why do I get these blank stares and "smile and nods" from these teachers if I'm supposed to be talking to them all the time; am I an anomaly?  Right now, we're talking basics; but what happens when we're talking about more critical things?  I know I need to be "in the know" when it comes to Myki's education, but I sure do hope it gets easier.  I want to the sitcom relationship where Myki's teacher and I exchange pleasantries and she spontaneously tells me some funny story of the day and updates me on A,B and C (literally).  Does that come with elementary school, or will it always be work on my end to coax it out?

Friday, March 8, 2013

Prioritizing a Career?

Any Damages fans out there? Whenever things get slow on the TV front, my husband and I go to Netflix or OnDemand and test out shows we missed or didn't get hooked on initially. We first tried Damages six months ago. My poor hubby watched the first episode twice because I fell asleep both times! So we gave up and have just come back around. We've watched nine episodes this week, we can be obsessive like that, and I've only fallen asleep once (score!).

Anyway, there's a lot happening in the series and Glenn Close is absolutely a force to be reckoned with! But one of the themes that really caught our attention was the main character's struggles in picking work vs. family. She's a young, bright, and eager attorney hired by Glenn Close's character Patty Hewes. Patty puts Ellen through an array of tests and consequently, Ellen misses her own engagement party, tells her future husband to pick out the wedding cake since she doesn't have time, and essentially ignores her parents as they go through some things.

My husband said it reminded him of me. I was initially appalled since I planned our whole wedding single-handedly (while working) and worked from home for most of Myki's first year of life. I may not have ever felt balanced in it all, but I was doing my darnedest! But we talked more and I thought about it, and I think he means a lack of mental presence versus the physical. I'm always everywhere I need to be for my family, but I'm also on my Blackberry ensuring nothing slips through at work and my iPhone responding to emails from friends or one of many personal commitments I've made whether it was getting an MBA in Mykis first two years of life or serving on the National Leadership Team for my sorority.

He argues that its never felt like I've gotten as much from my employers as I put in...until now. Now I work in a role where I can shine. I'm given license to do a lot and the opportunity to constantly network and reach out to people I can learn from. But it's true, for many years in the non-profit world, I was under appreciated, and there was never really room for growth in any of those positions. And with good reason I think, my husband notes that there were times that giving that 150% on my end, being accommodating to customers and colleagues, was not in the best interest of the men who needed me to focus some additional mental energy on them, my husband and son.

In my defense, I can't decrease my professional integrity or commitment to excellence based on other people; I can't let a bad employer bring me to their level. And ultimately, it's my name attached to the work; good or bad, it is a reflection of me. So I always worked, and still work, like its a six figure job, like I am the woman in charge. And that way, when the six figure job (or blog!) comes along, I'll be ready! There will be no surprises because I'll have spent my entire career pushing myself to work at the highest level I can.

Balance is something I work on everyday; its just as critical to my success as excellence and work ethic. I think Ellen lost her professional integrity and sense of balance and she absolutely sacrificed her priorities to have a "dream" job. But, there are four and a half more seasons to watch, so I have hope she'll find her way, and I know I'm well on mine!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Clearing my Head

I don't have many memories of my parents together.  They got divorced when I was 10 and while most people can remember all the way back to three or four, I really only have a handful of memories before 10. ...further testament that there is too much going on in my head I suppose.  Apparently it's pushing out the details of my youth!

One of the few memories I do have is being allowed to stay up late on Friday and Saturday nights to watch a movie or HBO boxing (I'm pretty sure my parents bought every fight).  I could only stay up if I took a shower, lotion-ed myself down and put on clean pajamas.  Then I'd slip onto the couch with my Dad and watch about 30 minutes of "grown-up" TV before falling asleep.  The next morning I'd vaguely remember being carried to bed in the wee hours.  

But before that happened, I had to take a shower, a real shower.  I was often sent back up to the bathroom to try again - "That was less than 5 minutes;" "You're neck isn't even wet, you didn't shower;" "Did you even use soap?"  "I washed the important parts," I'd plead. Needless to say, I was not a fan of the shower!  Outside of the meticulous way in which I comb my hair out, I probably never spent more than 5 minutes in the shower actually bathing until recently.

I know find myself longing for the shower.  I find it difficult to get out the door in time in the morning because what used to be a 10 minute routine has extended to 30.  When I'm home on the weekends, with no plans, the first place I go after putting Myki down for a nap is the shower.  I think it is really the only place where I can clear my head, and the only place I am truly alone.  I can't bring paper into the shower (no lists), no iPhone to respond to emails or texts, scroll through my Facebook news feed or Pinterest (the definition of time suck) or read blogs (of which I've recently become obsessed).  While my son has no problem intruding on me anywhere else in the house, in any state of undress, he seems to leave me be in the shower.

One of my good friends, a mother to two, has recently discovered meditation.  She recommends I focus on my breathing when I'm feeling overwhelmed and has sent me some short guided meditations as further encouragement.  She says it has really helped her with her level of energy.  I've given it a shot, but haven't been able to stop my mind from focusing on all the worry and business that occurs. For now, I think a long, hot shower might be the closest I've gotten to meditating but hopefully March brings more than clear skies and I can get a bit closer to a clear head.