The past few weeks have been filled with so much emotion. I’m not sure if it’s the series of events or my old age but I feel like I’ve cried more in the past few months than I had in the 4 years before that. Somehow I feel more vulnerable, less able to hold myself together until I’m alone as I used to do.
I’m on a plane to JFK where my brother will be picking me up at 11:30 pm. My mother had surgery this morning…a surgery that I couldn’t make because I was at work and broke. She had complications and her blood pressure dropped lower than her doctor had ever seen on a person in 30 years of practice. She was put on a respirator and is now in the ICU. I’ve spoken to her doctor and he tells me that although it was quite a scare, she is ok. He sounds positive and very sincere. But a part of me doesn’t really believe him. How could she come so close to critical and still be ok? So I’m on my way to confirm and just give her a big hug and a kiss and tell her that I love her and I’m so sorry for not being there right when she woke up. I imagine this is something like what parents feel; like you need to be there with your kids when they go through things to make sure that they don’t feel alone or scared. When I spoke to my mom yesterday, she was so nervous and anxious. And I tried my best to console her but also got off the phone quickly. That was selfish of me but listening to her talk about her surgery just brought me to tears. And I didn’t want her to hear that.
Demian is also on his way. He left school today and borrowed his roommate’s car. He called me so worked up and nervous….looking for my advice. Does he go or does he stay? I know what it’s like to run out of school in a frenzy. I had to take those trips from DC….spend two weeks in a hospital room when my mom first lost her vision. But that was my senior year in college. Demian has only been in school a few weeks and already he has this burden to bear. I worry about him and if this is something he can handle on top of all of the other recent changes in his life. And I feel that the activities in my life in recent months are just calling me home.
My aunt passed a month before my wedding. She was the pillar of communication in my family and my mom’s best friend. I’d never seen my mom so devastated, never witnessed her sob in such pain. Then I got married a month later, such a celebration and a truly happy day. But another reminder that Florida is not quite my home, not where my people are. Then Demian’s high school graduation in the Dominican Republic. Another happy moment. But Mom couldn’t come because there was really no one for her to travel with from New Jersey and a certain lack of resources. And another trip to New Jersey in August to move Demian in to college….something my parents should have been able to do but just couldn’t . I feel such responsibility to fill these holes but the travel from Miami just doesn’t seem sustainable or even like it’s enough. And now this emergency trip home. My guilt overwhelms me. I should’ve been there this morning when she went into surgery…should have been there to reassure her that it would be fine and to speak to the Doctor when there was a problem.
For the moment I must just thank God that this was just a scare. Thank god that I was able to find a way home tonight and that I have a husband who can always calm me when something goes wrong and in-laws who seem to be my eternal saviors in times of crisis.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Work - Monday, September 8, 2008
The Carmel Valley in California is definitely on my short list of most beautiful places I’ve ever been. I never had big aspirations for domestic travel. I figured I would see whatever I would see and count my pennies for international trips when I could manage them. But for the past two years, I’ve spent a little over a week in California in September for the Audi Best Buddies Challenge: Hearst Castle. It is apparently the perfect week to be there. The weather is perfect – long sleeves are necessary, a welcome change from what can be the oppressive heat of Miami. And while there, I stay at the Quail Lodge Resort & Golf Club, a place I could never afford on my own. It really is amazing.
But juxtaposed against this beauty and what should be a feeling of serenity is the most hectic work schedule I’ve ever had. I arrive on Sunday and spend most of the day unpacking and sorting through hundreds of boxes. I work late into the night every night catching up on all the emails and phone calls, confirmation number requests and hotel questions. And then wake up at 6:30 for 7 AM meetings. I spent Wednesday driving the 100 miles down to Cambria to check in with my duties there. The most amazing drive I’ve ever taken is speeding through the twists and turns of the Pacific Coast Highway. But I arrive back up to Carmel that evening with over 100 emails that all request urgent response and hit a breaking point (translation: eyes filled with tears) somewhere around 2 AM. I rest, breathe and push on…a coworker at my side. At least I’m part of a team.
I often waiver about whether my work for Best Buddies is worth it. I put in a lot of hours for a salary that is probably fair for my age and experience but definitely not sufficient for the many financial needs I have. I struggle with the constant shortfall and the impossibility of turning a dollar into ten and wonder if my husband and I will ever be “comfortable” with this sort of a start. I sometimes feel like I’m on the outside looking in – still not quite up to speed with Miami culture and often not understanding the decisions I see made. I see people get the short end of the stick despite their hard work and worry that I will suffer the same burn out and disillusionment I’ve seen and heard so much about. I long for a position with a company whose mission I feel more passionate about but I am also inspired by the stories I hear about and the people I meet with intellectual disabilities. And really there are quite a few positives. What other job would send me to California for a week, or challenge me in so many ways? What other job would allow little old me the possibility of closing a sponsor deal or executing a half million dollar auction? Would the Vice President’s door always be open if I moved on to something else? Would I get emails directly from the Chairman of another place and the opportunity to bring my ideas and creative side to the table? Would any other place give me the flexibility to have attended my brother’s high school graduation, visited the Dominican Republic when my new baby brother was born, spend a 3 hour lunch at a dress fitting or fly to New Jersey every time my mom needs me?
But juxtaposed against this beauty and what should be a feeling of serenity is the most hectic work schedule I’ve ever had. I arrive on Sunday and spend most of the day unpacking and sorting through hundreds of boxes. I work late into the night every night catching up on all the emails and phone calls, confirmation number requests and hotel questions. And then wake up at 6:30 for 7 AM meetings. I spent Wednesday driving the 100 miles down to Cambria to check in with my duties there. The most amazing drive I’ve ever taken is speeding through the twists and turns of the Pacific Coast Highway. But I arrive back up to Carmel that evening with over 100 emails that all request urgent response and hit a breaking point (translation: eyes filled with tears) somewhere around 2 AM. I rest, breathe and push on…a coworker at my side. At least I’m part of a team.
I often waiver about whether my work for Best Buddies is worth it. I put in a lot of hours for a salary that is probably fair for my age and experience but definitely not sufficient for the many financial needs I have. I struggle with the constant shortfall and the impossibility of turning a dollar into ten and wonder if my husband and I will ever be “comfortable” with this sort of a start. I sometimes feel like I’m on the outside looking in – still not quite up to speed with Miami culture and often not understanding the decisions I see made. I see people get the short end of the stick despite their hard work and worry that I will suffer the same burn out and disillusionment I’ve seen and heard so much about. I long for a position with a company whose mission I feel more passionate about but I am also inspired by the stories I hear about and the people I meet with intellectual disabilities. And really there are quite a few positives. What other job would send me to California for a week, or challenge me in so many ways? What other job would allow little old me the possibility of closing a sponsor deal or executing a half million dollar auction? Would the Vice President’s door always be open if I moved on to something else? Would I get emails directly from the Chairman of another place and the opportunity to bring my ideas and creative side to the table? Would any other place give me the flexibility to have attended my brother’s high school graduation, visited the Dominican Republic when my new baby brother was born, spend a 3 hour lunch at a dress fitting or fly to New Jersey every time my mom needs me?
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