Wednesday, May 29, 2013

5 Great Things You Should Read Online This Week

One of the best ways to improve my writing is to read other people's writing.  The more I consume in terms of content, the more I will be able to define what I would like to say and refine how I say it. So, in an attempt to make a name for myself in the blogosphere, here are my highlights for the week, an eclectic mix of blog posts and articles I have found interesting, inspiring and well-written:




1. 5 Things Every WAHP Need on The Happiest Home

The Happiest Home, a blog by Meagan Francis, is full of savvy advice on how to maintain your sanity as a parent.  She has begun posting advice for other parents, particularly moms, who are interested in working at home and making a living as a writer or blogger.  What I love most about The Happiest Home is it feels so practical; the writers have a way of giving common sense advice that feels like new information.



2. Lean In - If You Weren't Afraid

  leanin:

What Would You Do If You Weren’t Afraid?
No seriously. What would you do?

If you've been following my blog, you know I'm slightly obsessed with the whole "can women have it all" debate and I'm a pretty big fan of Sheryl Sandberg.  While I may not agree with all of her points, I love that she has used her cache and cultural capital to discuss women, work and leadership.  One of my favorite lines from her book is in the introduction.  She says leaning in is what you would do if you weren't afraid and that for her writing the book is what she would do if she weren't afraid, so she did it!  This Tumblr page is dedicated to declarations of what women would do if they weren't afraid - I love it and find it incredibly inspiring!  Declaring what you would do is the first step to making it real.

If I weren't afraid, I'd become an entrepreneur and trust in my ability to live and support my family off of my writing, facilitation and consulting work.  

What would you do?

3. Levo League   


A good friend introduced me to Levo League (pronounced lay-vo).  I couldn't even pick an article from the site to highlight because I am so amazed by the concept and the content.  This is one of those things I wish I'd thought of!  Click the link and let me know if you have a favorite article or Office Hours video!

They also have a community on MightyBell that I highly recommend.  I was hesitant at first because, let's face it, it is challenging to manage yet another social media platform.  But MightyBell is about making connections that are genuinely mutually beneficial - try it!

"Levo is a growing community of professional women seeking advice, inspiration, and the tools needed to succeed."


4. 7 Tips to Keep You From Punking Out On Your Goals - The Young Mommy Life




Can you see a trend here?  Self-improvement and accomplishing my goals is the topic of the moment in my life.  Tara Jefferson of The Young Mommy Life put her mind to becoming a full-time writer and has built a wonderful compilation of advice, personal anecdotes that inspire, and a consistent message that "you (I) can do it!"  I am working on #2 - What should my alter ego be?  I might borrow Beyonce's - Sasha Fierce?

5. Beyond Money and Power (and Stress and Burnout): In Search of a New Definition of Success by Arianna Huffington


The Third Metric


Rounding off today's tidbits with a rather long but awesome article on how we define success.  Arianna Huffington of the Huffington Post argues that right now, money and power are the two metrics most often used to define success.  She is holding a conference in NY next week to discuss definitions of the third metric - how should we define success?  If you are focused on the first two, what are you sacrificing or not nurturing in pursuit of money and power?  Personally, a strong sense of self, passion for what I am doing and some level of balance (i.e. not letting my work be the only thing that defines me) are critical.

PS - I came across this article on LinkedIn.  I have recently re-discovered the value of LinkedIn - there is really some incredible writing there.  And I like that there are separate online homes for my personal and professional self. A post on social media presence is coming soon.

I would love to see any blog posts or articles that you found particularly inspiring or just good.  Send them my way!

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Can Women (or I) do Less?

I have spent the last year slightly obsessed with the question, can women have it all?  The first question to consider in this discussion is, how do we define all?  For me "all" is a rather overwhelming concept.  It includes:

- a solid career (not a job) with a comfortable salary, reliable benefits and at least two weeks of paid vacation (preferably three to four);
- the time, energy and resources to nurture my relationships with my spouse, son, extended family and friends;
- feeling as though Myki not only has everything he needs, but also everything I'd like him to have
- the possibility of another Myki
- home ownership
- true health - physical, mental and emotional health
- regularly scheduled "me" time

I know I am not unique in wanting all of these things.  But I've recently read and encountered some perspectives that make me wonder if its detrimental to my overall happiness to seek so much.  My definition of "having it all" includes seven measures that each have complicated and difficult to achieve sub-elements.  Who has the time to perfect each of these things all at once? 

Perhaps the question to ask is, can women do less?  In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg states that working mothers compare their work success to men and their roles as spouse and mother to stay at home moms.  Both comparisons are unfair to ourselves.  Another example - I started running two years ago using the Couch to 5K app.  My goal each day was to finish the cycle; sometimes the run part was more like a slow crawl, but I finished.  I couldn't and didn't compare myself to an Olympic runner, someone whose whole job was to run.  It isn't my full-time job to run and yet I, like many women, don't give myself a break with other things like work and motherhood.

Professionally, I am doing some work with FranklinCovey. Through our work together, I got my hands on a copy of The 4 Disciplines of Execution.  I'm about 60 pages into the book and the first discipline is about focusing your goals.  The book sites brain research that shows humanity is hard-wired to be able to do only one thing at a time.  But as women, we are taught to perpetually multi-task and that doing it all is the goal.  According to the 4 Disciplines, the more you do, the less you do well. 

This is not a revolutionary concept; we have heard it before: 

A jack of all trades is master of none.

For everything you get you have to give something away.


Perhaps the "can women have it all" debate is counterproductive to women's overall happiness and sense of accomplishment?  If I can't balance everything and do everything perfectly, I feel I have failed.  That kind of pressure is not really reasonable.  For me, I think the true test will be refining my definition of "all" and getting comfortable with the idea that everything is a process.  I still beleive the collective measure of "all" can encompass everything above, but I need to slow down and focus on one or two items versus spreading my limited energy and efforts across seven elements.

How do you define having it all?  Is having it all the goal?


Monday, May 20, 2013

Chasing Happy

Motherhood is absolutely a roller coaster with ups and downs.  There are mornings like Mother's Day where Myki says, and I quote, "Mami, you are great.  Oh no!  I need to get you flowers." And mornings like yesterdsy when just before it is time to leave the house, Myki locks me out of my own bedroom.  Consequently, I left the house without finishing the morning coffee I'd left in there or putting on the earrings or deodorant that live on the vanity in said bedroom.

It is moments like yesterday that help me realize I can't be all happy all of the time.  On top of the fact that I am naturally serious, there is no one out there who lives on cloud nine, whose life is all rainbows and butterflies and unicorns.  So the closest I can get to that elusive place of perpetual happiness is to laugh at the stressful times, the ridiculousness of leaving the house with no deodorant on and retell the perfect times like one morning this week when Myki looked up at me with sleepy eyes and told me he'd miss me, he loves me and to have a great day at work.

I hope all of you have a great day at work tomorrow, Monday and all!

I mean, who wouldn't be happy looking at that face?!

Monday, May 13, 2013

5 Lessons My Mother Taught Me

As a mother, you are tasked with caring for, nurturing and challenging your child to be the best person they can be.  Usually, your best example of how to do that is your own mother.  My mother and I have a tumultuous history.  The older I get, the more forgiving I become of a past between us that has both enraged and hurt me.  I now recognize that she did her best with what she had, emotionally and otherwise.  I am grateful for the incredible lessons she's taught me and the example she has set.  I also work to do better in raising my son with the hope that he will do better in raising his own children.  I know I will make my own mistakes along the way and that's ok.  There is no "right way" to parent, only the right intent to love, nurture and do the best that you can.

Lesson #1 - "I don't believe in that" or the Importance of Conviction
Growing up, I thought my mom was so irrationally strict.  I would come home with a proposal to do this or that, having built bullet points and what I thought to be a compelling argument for my participation.  My mom wouldn't even dialogue with me.  She would just say, "you're not doing that, I don't believe in that!"   The most common plea was for something that required sleeping at someone else's house, an idea she was not even open to.  Looking back, I'm glad I wasn't allowed to go; especially as I got older and those sleepovers were just fronts for one kind of bad behavior or another.  While I was trying desperately to be American and like my friends, my mom held true to her convictions about what I could and could not do, and I am grateful for that.  And Myki's sleepovers will be limited, at least.

Lesson #2 - No Excuses, Play Like a Champion
Sacrifice and discomfort are inherent to elevating your station.  My mom sometimes had two plus hour commutes, each way.  She had to stay late for meetings and hire help for drop-off and pick-up and she had to figure out how she'd be able to go on business trips and weekend golf retreats because that's the level she was at.  That wasn't always pretty and she absolutely sacrificed time with her children to do all of these things. But if you ask her, she did it all for us.  No matter how difficult something is, I can do it, because of what she did before me and because Myki gives me strength.

Lesson #3 - Reading is Fundamental
My mom came to the US from the Dominican Republic without even a basic understanding of the language.  She learned English, enrolled in college and got a Bachelor of Science in Chemical Engineering from Pratt Institute of Technology in Brooklyn.  She then enrolled in masters degree courses while a newlywed and got pregnant with me.  She was the only woman, only person of color, only immigrant and absolutely the only pregnant woman in her graduate engineering courses in 1984.  She wasn't able to finish her thesis but took all of the required coursework for a masters before having me.  She earned a Certificate in Project Management from Drexel University when I was ten or twelve and enlisted my brother and I to cut out images for her project presentation board one evening.  Academics, study, literacy is everything.  It is truly the great equalizer.

Lesson #4 - "It Takes a Village to Raise a Child"
Loneliness is probably one of the most challenging emotions to work through, because you have to figure it out by yourself and you have no one to speak to.  People are inherently pack animals; we want and need to be part of a community and a family.  After my parents divorced, I don't think my mom had enough of a village.  She needed more friends who shared her perspective, other women and single moms who had been through a divorce and professional women of color to network with.  My membership in in a Latina-based sorority, Sigma Lambda Upsilon/Senoritas Latinas Unidas, Inc., moderation of the MomsofSLU listserv, friends from college and prior work experiences and professional network fill that void for me.  When I feel overwhelmed by it all or question whether I should be involved in so many things and connected with so many people, I think of my mom and how she needed that.  My mental health is just as important to Myki, if not more so, as it is for me.

Lesson #5 - Parents are Not Your Friends...or your Dictator
A lot of my friends growing up felt like their parents were their friends.  This is apparently a trend of the Millennial generation.  My mom was far from my friend.  She was the woman in charge 100%. But now, now that I'm an adult and a mother, we are more friends or at least, a little bit friends.  I like to think there is a happy medium between pure friendship and pure autocracy.  I am still working to find that place and balance.  Discipline is just as important as listening and engaging in a real dialogue.  Everyone, even children, need to feel like they have some kind of input into their own fate.  Disney's Brave has reiterated the importance of that for me! ;-) 

Friday, May 10, 2013

We Are Adventurers!

There is nothing like watching your baby sleep.  Early on, my mother-in-law told me that when babies sleep, their brains are processing everything they've learned and taken in that day.  Every time I watch Myki sleep, I think about the day we have had and all that he has seen, done and conquered.  Yes, conquered; didn't you know my son was a super hero?

Last night Myki was asleep minutes after story time. That heavy sleep gives me so much pleasure.  I count teacher and adventurer as essential functions of my role as mother.  I will ensure Myki has new, exciting and enriching experiences on a regular basis.  In practice, this means we will pretend to be soldiers or super heroes, we will run as fast as we can and we will try new and a little bit scary things, like letting a giant horse eat an apple from our little hand. His sleep is one of many indicators of my success that day. Today I can say, "you did good Mami."


Thursday, May 9, 2013

Honing My Craft

I recently completed a two-day legal writing course for work.  Day one was an essentials of writing or writing basics.  Key takeaways were the importance of brevity, plain English (you're trying to communicate ideas, not out-write anyone) and "fuzzy writing is caused by fuzzy thinking" or, if you don't know what you are trying to say, it won't make any sense.  The course was full of quotes from writers, my favorite being, "books are not written, they are rewritten."  

I have high hopes for this blog and my writing career.  And I am sometimes overwhelmed by the energy and effort that I know is required to make those hopes a reality.

But on a few things, I am clear:

1. I am a talented writer.
2. I am becoming a talented self-editor.
3. I have relevant thoughts to share.
4. I have an audience.

In the introduction to her book, "Lean In," Sheryl Sandberg says that part of leaning in is doing something you are afraid to do.  Calling myself a writer is scary because I know that being a real writer is much more than occasional posts on a personal blog.  But I am a writer and will fill out the title as I go.  This legal writing class solidified that for me - I am a writer.  It's wonderful when two parts of your world can overlap. In this case a work commitment has helped me define myself.

What are you afraid of?  What would it take for you to try it?


Saturday, May 4, 2013

Parenting Wheelhouse



I think every parent has their parenting wheelhouse, the part of being a parent that just comes naturally to them.  My Mami wheelhouse is 0-24 months.  I am just phenomenal with infants.  I had no problem taking a step back from everything and focusing solely on mothering a newborn, infant and mini-toddler.  Of course, if I look back at my blog posts, I was hard on myself.  And sure, my personal hygiene decreased initially - how do you find time to shower with a nursing two week old?   But with my 20/20 hindsight, I can absolutely say that I was an awesome new mom.  I was committed to nursing and my body cooperated (hello for gallons of milk!).  I was really laid back about Myki's schedule (no stress); he slept when he was sleepy, ate when he was hungry, snuggled when he was fussy, played when he was feeling playful.  He never fussed at being dressed or bathed, it was awesome. And we had great activities daily...activities were so easy then.  Tummy time, a blanket outside, nature walks once he could walk.  Myki loved picking up everything and was surprisingly good at not eating it.  Myki was walking by nine months and saying real words.  Mike and I were both early walkers and talkers, but I like to think my mothering had something to do with it also.

Daddy on the other hand, seems to be in his wheelhouse right now, on the eve of Myki's fourth birthday.  He is so good at teaching and empowering Myki's independence whereas I still want to baby him and do things for him.  Daddy has taught Myki all kinds of cool tricks so he can dress himself and he really utilizes Myki as a helper so that he is learning to set the table and clean up.  These are all critical skills and its amazing to watch the two of them in action.  They have such an easy flow about them, whereas I feel like the last year or two has been really challenging.  While Myki comes to me for comfort, Daddy is the one he goes to for help and he listens to Daddy.  I have no authority as far as Myki's concerned and discipline is difficult for me.

Our thing right now is reading.  We do read stories together daily and I've been getting longer and longer books to read (even some chapters!).  I'm prepping him for Harry Potter (yep, I've read them all).  I'm hoping by the time he's five he'll have the patience, comprehension and attention span for Book 1.    I'm transitioning from the lament of a lost era to finding my wheelhouse within the little kid stage.

Does this transition happen at every stage?  And will I find another stage as comfortable as that 0-24 months was?  I"m unsure, but at least momentarily, we have books!


Grown Up Plans


If I'm being really honest, I'd like to be an entrepreneur.  My husband and in-laws have been telling me that from the beginning and friends have suggested it.  During a bought of unemployment in 2010, I even began to build the pieces of Fuller Fundraising (yes, I can do better with the name), a consulting company focused on strategic communications, events and development efforts for non-profit organizations.  Ultimately, the risk and a job offer stopped me from seeing that idea through.   And really, the initial set-up and research was a bit off-putting (read as: terrifying).  Building a business is not an easy process and the steps from idea to reality leave a lot of room for self-doubt.  Can I really do this? How long will it take to make a profit?  Will it be enough profit? How much do I need to spend to make a profit? Can I really afford to spend anything on this?  I know I have great ideas and am skilled at what I do, but will other people buy what I'm selling?  Can I even sell?  It was an incredible self-dialogue of worry.


But in the last six months or so, I have really taken to the idea of entrepreneurship.  Both of my parents were entrepreneurs at various points in their careers and at varying degrees of success.  I have seen them both have that faith in themselves and take a risk, invest in all that they are capable of.  Glenn Llopis, a media personality and frequent speaker on diversity management, would attribute my parents entrepreneurial spirit and my recent peeked interest to the "Immigrant Advantage."   There might be something to that idea.  Entrepreneurship is the key to success in most third world countries, including the Dominican Republic where my parents are from.  And as a first generation American, perhaps I've inherited some of that.  I like the idea of a direct connection between my hard work and my bottom line (i.e. my bank account).  I am desperate for some flexibility; WAHM status would provide that.  And having a boss is not necessarily the easiest thing in the world (although I am, of course, an incredible employee ;-).

I think I am a woman of many talents, the largest of which are an incredibly high work ethic and efficiency level.  My husband is always amazed at how hard I work for other people.  His logic is sound; why work so hard for other people when you can work for yourself and really see the rewards of your work?  I currently work in the diversity arena, developing and conducting lots of training and working on issues of workforce and organizational development.  I also write in this blog and more and more, avidly follow other blogs.  I think there's something to those skills and all of my past strategic communications and marketing experience.

The beginning of the month is often a time for goal-setting.  During the month of May, I commit to explore the idea of entrepreneurship further; specifically, what would it look like for me?  Would I be a writer? Can I write in this blog daily? Can I get published or quoted in another blog?  Can I apply my skills on Elance, even just once?  Would I conduct training? and/or special events?  I'm going to think that through.   

Have you ever considered being an entrepreneur?  If you are an entrepreneur, what was the toughest part?

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Nature vs. Nurture

One of the most amazing things about parenthood is seeing your own characteristics and that of your child's father (usually good!) in your child(ren). My extended family recently suffered a tragic death, a life ended entirely too soon. He is survived by many loved ones including his wife and toddler son. It is unlikely the baby will remember his father, but more than likely, he will share characteristics with him more than just his appearance.

It's amazing how similar our children can end up being to us, even if we're not around. It begs the question, which is stronger: nature or nurture? There is strong research that proves both nature and nurture can play a significant role in the final product. Research is tricky though because researchers always seem to be able to create the experiment and circumstance that will prove their thesis. Hence all of the conflicting research I think.  I digress...

There are some wonderful things about me that Myki absolutely has.  And some other things that I wouldn't go so far as to say I would change, but that make my role as Mother challenging and might add some turbulence to Myki's life.  He is determined - a desirable trait when you consider all of the adversity he may face as a brown boy and all of the hopes his parents have for his future - also a challenge when manifested into obstinate stubbornness.  Myki is also really sharp - he understands things so quickly.  While I like to think he got that from me, I'm also convinced he's already got me figured out and hustles me on a regular basis.  Like me, Myki has an outward confidence that can border on arrogance, but he is ludicrously sensitive...God help me if I yell at him; there will be tears.


                                             Did the characteristic transference begin then?


There are also things he gets from his father.  They are silly, so silly, but shy - only in their comfort zone will you see the extent of the sillies.  They're performers at the heart of it all; really love discussion and are super affectionate.

What do you think is most prevalent in determining childrens' characteristics; nature or nurture?
Is there anything your child does that absolutely comes from you?

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Why Soul Searching?

The original premise of this blog was to search in my soul for the happy person, the person who saw the world through rose-colored glasses, saw the silver lining before the cloud and recognized that the glass is always half full. I know that she's in here somewhere. I absolutely get glimpses of her, but the positivity setting is just not my default. I hold people and things to a close to impossible standard, myself included. I am super sensitive deep down, below the initial "say whatever I want," and very easily hurt and I struggle with self doubt and insecurity and then beat myself up for struggling with self doubt and insecurity. I'm also a big dramatic (my husband would scoff at "a bit" but I think he's biased and as my husband, privy to the worst if it.)

In the opening to Beyonce's HBO documentary, she describes her ambition and the drive that led to her success. She explained that at some point, she had to change that; she had to figure out what she wanted to do and work towards that, but that living in a state of always being dissatisfied wasn't a happy state to be in. She didn't want to be someone who was always going after more. I'm restating her comments in my own words of course, how I heard them and how I applied them to my conundrum and ongoing struggle for satisfaction and positivity. Her words are so relevant to me. My husband has told me that he worries that I will never be truly happy, because after each goal is accomplished, a new and more daunting one is put in its place. There is truth to this and I am trying to find that happy balance between blind ambition and content.

Because the purpose of my blog is positivity, finding and communicating my positivity, I try not to vent. I don't want this to turn into a manifestation of what I like to call my "worst case scenario anxiety panic." I get into these worry spirals where one negative thing will trigger a domino affect in my brain that ends in a panic-ridden "what am I doing my life?" I don't want this to be a space where my irrational worries can grow and fester. So when that's all that's happening, I post a silly Myki sorry or pose a question to my audience or I skip blogging for the day or week.

I'm in one of those places this week. My family suffered a tragic event so I'm in a general melancholy mood, working through my sadness, the trauma of loss, fear of mortality and all that comes with unexpected death. I am also at a professional crossroads, which can be stressful. What is next for me? How big a professional risk am I willing to take to reach the next level? What does the next level even look like for me? I sometimes feel I am neglecting my family - not in terms of physically being there, but really being present with both my husband and son. My financials are not what I'd like them to be and my social life is....limited.

Ok, I did it, I vented.

Thankfully, I'm not quite to the point of the worst case scenario anxiety panic, just a general sense of worry and foreboding. Since Friday night, I've been brooding over these worries and sadness. I was surprised that I did find some positivity in it all. I thought, I have my blog, it will force me to find something positive to say and the catharsis of writing about something good will make me feel good.

So I suppose this post is really a celebration of Soul Searching. When I look back at my initial posts, there's an obvious progression, from personal journal writing to my son's fan page to its current state as a blog dedicated to an audience and hopefully inciting thought and discussion. And when I consider my life today, Soul Searching has worked! Amidst a week of grief and angst, I found a silver lining. The glass is half full because I have you to speak to. (And because I've got this cutie to love and celebrate!)