Guidance in Action

Historically, I have not been the most resilient person.  When I get knocked down, I definitely get up, but I do it with a chip on my shoulder.  When one thing goes wrong, it seems to cancel out ten things that have gone right.  But yesterday, I had one of those days where nothing could go wrong; it wasn't that nothing went wrong, it just didn't really phase me when it did. 

I overslept, missed two trains, burnt myself with soup I was trying to buy, had to reschedule a fairly important meeting due to my lateness, took a rather important conference call in a train station and was so exhausted all day by my 20 hour business trip the day before that it felt like I could barely string a cohesive sentence together. But, overall, there were great things about the day and I relished in them!

I'm not sure what kind of indicator that is.  The premise of this blog and so many personal growth initiatives I've endeavored to fulfill in the last five years has been to change my outlook, to view the world through rose-colored glasses, see the glass as half full and recognize the many blessings that permeate my life.  Was this wonderfully disastrous day an indicator that all of my efforts are working?  

I've been thinking quite a bit about a recent statement made by my company's Chairman and CEO.  I've been in a new position for the last two months (hence my blog silence as I dive into this new challenge). After less than two weeks on the job, I attended the company's international kick-off. The Chairman and CEO gave a closing talk that included five pieces of advice, things he's learned in his life and career.  One in particular really stuck with me, "do the work your goals require of you."  

I have been turning that guidance around in my head. It is so simple, and to me, so poignant.  Just like losing weight will not happen spontaneously, my happiness will not just come because I will it forward.  But I've been putting in some work, resolving the things that I am dissatisfied with and creating the circumstances of the life I want.  

So here's to more days of not noticing the trouble and enjoying the good! 

What's My Mom Score? OR Am I doing this right?

According to Wikipedia, "a mother (or mum/mom) is a woman who has raised a child, given birth to a child, and/or supplied the egg which in union with a sperm grew into a child."  The definition of a mother is so straightforward, child = mother, mother = child.  The realities of motherhood are so much more complex.  I am raising, have given birth too and supplied the egg for a child.  His name is Michael and he is amazing.  I am a mother.

The complexity arises in the adjective I suppose.  I am a mother, but am I a good mother or a bad mother?  There is no such thing as the perfect mother, that much I know.  But if I were to make a list of my flaws as a mother (probably not a good idea from a mental health perspective), and put them on a scale with a list of the things that make me an awesome mother (a wonderful activity for my mental health), which side would be heaviest?

I do think I get points for intention.  I always try to do my best and I own up to when I haven't (like this evening's TV marathon) and when I don't do well, I end on a high note (like this evening's story time after said marathon and before bed).  Sometimes I wish there were points, and an actual scorecard.  Not so that I can compare to other Moms' scorecards, just so that I could have documentation that I am doing more right than wrong in this journey of motherhood.

On the positive, I love my son fiercely and I tell him so every chance I get complete with hugs and kisses, I read to him each and every day, push him to do all that he can, try to create experiences for him and work to spend as much time with him as possible.  

On the negative, I cannot seem to get a handle on this cleaning business - how do people keep up with dishes, laundry, clutter, grout and and the vacuum?  I mean, I can maintain the basics (usually) but the details like ironing and dusting are just beyond me.  When I've had a bad day or am in my feelings about something, Myki definitely feels my impatience.  And I spend entirely too much time on electronic devices - on my phone checking my email and social media, my computer writing and working.  He once told me, "Mami, when you aren't looking at your phone, you're a good Mami and when you are looking at your phone, you are not a good Mami."  And another piece for the positive pile, my son is honest!  

Positive Strides

My son and I participated in our first fitness event yesterday.  I currently serve on the National Leadership Team of my sorority but between the work that entails, my professional work, writing, family and friends, I rarely have time to support the local chapters.  One of them hosted a Senorita (that's us) Fun Run at a nearby park. The event raised funds for a literacy organization in Northern Virginia and participants were asked to dress as their favorite literary character.  When I received the announcement, I thought, this is the perfect opportunity to kill two (or five) birds with one stone.

1. Affordable family fun and fitness - Check!
2. Mami and Myki bonding - Check!
3. Explore a new place - Check!
4. Support a local Chapter and some Hermanas (sisters) that are important to me - Check!
5. Fundraise for literacy - Check!

My son has motivated me to do and accomplish so many things since coming into this world four years ago.  When he was born, I found myself in a frenzy.  He deserved so much, including an amazing mother who could show him, through her actions, that accomplishing your goals is only a matter of effort.  So I applied, was accepted to and completed an MBA program that I entered when he was 6 months old.  Every professional decision and job shift has been an effort to excel for him.

And yet, I have not applied this same motivation to my health.  I talk a good game about the importance of being healthy, of living a long and healthy life because that is what I and my family deserve.  I've also made some sincere and substantial efforts at weight loss, fitness and an overall healthy lifestyle.  And to ensure I am not totally self-deprecating, I have held on to some of those good behaviors and implemented some positive changes in the long-term.  But I do need to do more.

I have not committed the same fervor to my health or that of my family as I have to my professional and personal endeavors.  Instead of using Myki as a motivator to my fitness, I have historically used him as an excuse, a reason why I couldn't fit in exercise or make energy for it.  

There was a sixth and unexpected benefit to this morning of fun.  Myki sure did teach me about internal motivation.  The race course was a two or three mile (waiting on confirmed distance) route up one way and back the other.  Myki and I started at a run and quickly slowed to a jog and then a pretty leisurely walk.  About halfway up the first leg, we started to see the other runners come back.  I asked Myki if he wanted to just turn back and run with them to the finish line.  "No mami, we HAVE to keep going!"  He was adamant that he was going to finish the race completely.  We got to the halfway point and he was elated and feeling accomplished.  We turned around and he kept at it.  Just a bit before the finish line, he was really struggling and started saying how tired he was.  Then, just as the finish line was within view, he gave himself a little pep talk:

C'mon Michael, you can do it!  Don't stop.  Don't drop yourself.

Don't drop yourself!  And as we ran across the finish line hand in hand and I heard "we are the champions" in my head, he said, "I did it!  I carried myself the whole way and I won the race."  As the only child to do the whole thing (of 2), he did win the kid's category as well as a frozen yogurt gift certificate for best boys' costume!  It was a great day and gave me a good kick in the butt about the importance of family fitness.

I have signed Myki up for Fall soccer to continue to nurture his competitive spirit and personal perseverance and am committed to signing us up for future Mami and Myki runs this Fall!  #fromthemouthesofbabes

Has your child ever surprised or inspired you with their will and fortitude?  (I know they have!  Tell me about it!)

5 Strategies for Beating the Sleepies

This was initially going to be a piece about how exhausted I have been the last few weeks.  But, inspired by my audience (that's you!) and the spirit of this blog (positive and optimistic!), I thought hard about how to beat this exhaustion that seems to be weighing me down.  

1. Treat Yourself! 

Wake-Up, Get to Work, Work, Pick-Up Son, Dinner, Bath, Sleep - REPEAT
Sometimes, the predictability of routine is exhausting.  Each day passes and nothing much has really happened, no special memories made or story to tell.  Sometimes you need a treat.  This week, I tried to treat myself to something each day.  I took my son out to dinner one night, we baked some delicious banana bread together another and post-bedtime, I watched Pitch Perfect with a glass of wine; I even bought a fancy exfoliating shower gel for some at-home spa time!  

2. Get moving!

Every article I read about fighting exhaustion recommends exercising.  While I have had bouts of fitness success, I struggle in the long term.  One of my challenges is comparing my start to someone else's finish. People run marathons and practice yoga what seems like 24/7.  I wake up and check my email and social media to find that while I rub sleep out of my eyes, my Facebook friends have already completed a five mile run.  No, at the moment I can't run five miles, and especially not at 6 AM, but I sure can walk around the block or up to the park (pictures below of Myki and I's mini-hike) or even just do some jumping jacks, high knees and push-ups with my four year old. 

3. Make a list and check it twice!

Rarely is exhaustion just about a lack of sleep or something physical.  A bad case of the sleepies can be caused by stress, anxiety, overwhelmedness or simply having too much to do!  Write it out - write down everything that is causing these emotions and every errand you need to complete or project you need to think through.  There is much truth to the saying, "you can't have it all."  Take a look at the list and prioritize. What is most important and what is manageable?  I once read a LinkedIn article on the trick of To Do lists that suggested for each day, you make a list of one large task, three medium level tasks and five small tasks.  That is the guideline for a workday.  I propose adjusting that as a personal guide for the week.  For example, this week, I will complete:

Large

1. Resume Job - I have a small resume "business" and have one client this week who needs a winning Federal resume!

Medium

1. Thoughtful Blog Post

2. Chapter Letters - I currently serve as national Director of Expansion for my sorority and owe two chapters an update on various projects 

3. Laundry is mostly done, but I have some folding, hanging and putting away to do.

Small

1. Daily writing/coloring exercise with Myki

2. Breakfast of Champions - I'm trying to address my diet one meal at a time.  This week's task is to master a healthy breakfast.

3. Resume Evaluations - I have two clients in the wings and need to touch base with them 

4. One cooking project with Myki - measurement, following directions, doing someone other than TV together and celebrating with a yummy treat afterward!

5. Read a Chapter of The Secrets to Happy Families, a book I've been trying to get through for months and one my husband and I are trying to implement in our family.

4. You Time!
In a fast-paced world with countless responsibilities, exhaustion can be more about mental energy than anything else.  Your brain is literally tired of always being in motion.  Do you have something you do to clear your mind?  My brain is so busy, I find meditation and yoga exhausting; it is just so hard to clear my thoughts and then I beat myself up for "failing" at something that is supposed to be helpful.  But a nice long shower or some beautification (at-home manicure, salon, massage) always does the trick.  A good book or writing session has also been known to work.  I have a girlfriend who is super crafty, always crocheting or knitting something.  Find what works for you and make some time for it!

5. Sleep!
Then again, sometimes you just need a nap.  Maybe you've been unable to sleep or burning the midnight oil on a project one too many nights in a row.  Conventional wisdom recommends a minimum of six hours of sleep a night, but it is also important to know what your body needs.  Personally, I need more like eight to be fully functioning so sometimes, I just need to go to sleep at 8:30 PM to make up for a few too-late nights or too-early mornings in a row. 

Post-Baby Body Journey

In April my husband and I celebrated five years of marriage and in December we will celebrate eight years together.  I was pregnant with our first and only child within five months of being married and gained 60 lbs during that pregnancy. When I walked in to deliver my son, I weighed 250 lbs.  I am only 5' 3" people; it was out of control. 

 When I was pregnant, I read so much about what was happening to my body. There was a lot of physical change and I wanted to be sure it was all normal.  I also read about post-pregnancy, but that was really focused on nursing and sleep and anything related directly to the baby.

What I never read about was what would happen to my appearance.  I had horrendous stretch marks that literally cover my entire stomach.  Despite the promises of an array of vitamin E and cocoa butter products, they don't fade over time or get smaller.  After delivery, my stomach just deflated....there was So. Much. Skin.  It took 10 months to stretch out and many months to come back.  And after swelling to an H cup, my breasts absolutely lost their youthful perkiness (that is gentle wording for what occurred).  There was also the matter of 30 lbs to loose.  Surprisingly the first 30 were lost in delivery (talk about water weight!)

I stepped fairly easily into new motherhood.  The focus was on the baby.  The changes in my shape, this new focus and the comfort of being with the same man for four years left space for homeliness to set in.  I never really went and bought new clothes for my new body, vowing that I'd make the clothes I had work until my body "came back."  I wore maternity clothes until they were so big they fell off and then pieced together outfits from Target clearance runs, what was left in my closet that I could button or zip and my sister-in-law's hand-me-downs.  She had a big weight loss during this time. Thank goodness, because I might've been naked without her generous contributions.

This state of disarray lasted for close to four years.  I didn't really realize how bad it had gotten until it started to get better. In February 2012, I got a new job in a new city and started to pack up my closet.  Moving is expensive and relocation costs would not be covered.  I decided I wasn't going to pay to move just anything and left 3/4 of my closet behind.   Really examining those contents was eye-opening. "Wow, I don't really like any of this and, it doesn't fit well, and nothing is cut above the matronly length of just below the knee." 

I then got to my new position and stripped away even more, purchasing a few pieces of clothing here and there to support my new look as a power professional, working to hone in on what was flattering versus the "large enough to hide" approach I'd been using. 

I then came across a website, The Shape of a Mother, that showed pictures of women's post-baby bodies.  I found myself clicking through picture after picture, looking for my specific body and it's corresponding "damage."  It was therapeutic I suppose, confirmation that stretch marks, extra weight changing shape was all normal and literally happened to everyone who had a baby. 

In April of this year, my husband and I celebrated five years of marriage and I, for the first time since just after my wedding, got a Brazilian bikini wax.  TMI you say, but this was pivotal moment in rediscovering my sexy post-baby self.  Since then, I've started to notice myself in the mirror.  I still have the good kind of curves, I still have a desirable shape and there are still clothes that can make me look good.  Last week, I wore a thong.  Again, TMI you say, but I guarantee you that the transition from granny panties back to a thong is a serious milestone in the post-baby body journey.

I just came across this post on Babble about "A Beautiful Body Project," more very candid photos of post-baby bodies.  The photographer behind the site is working on a book highlighting the    “movement of women coming together to tell their stories and celebrate their ever-changing bodies so that future generations of women can live free from self-suffering.”

Self-suffering isn't the phrase I would have used, but when I think about it, it's accurate. Depriving myself of a beauty regimen, sexy underthings, curve-hugging attire is self-suffering...placing myself in the role of victim to my changing body versus the empowerment that should come with a body that has brought life into this world.  

At 190 lbs, I've lost the pregnancy weight and look forward to continuing the weight loss journey. But even if my weight maintains, there will be waxes, thongs and hip-hugging garments to remind me of the particular sexy that comes with knowing what your body can do.

Following My Own Advice

"Sometimes you're a good Mami and sometimes you're a bad Mami.  When you work (read: look at your phone) instead of reading the story, you're a bad Mami."

Sometimes you need your baby to tell you how it is.  Recently, I have had an incredibly short attention span. There is always a sense that I am neglecting an email, have waited too long to respond to a networking message or have missed important articles about what is going on in the world or my industry.   

My son's comment is one of many signs that I need to take a moment and clear my head.  I recently realized I had triple-booked myself next week - who does that?  I also currently have at least a dozen draft blog posts in my que and haven't completed one in three weeks; and I've started no less than five books in the last month, finishing exactly none.

I think it is my recent obsession with balance that has me so scattered.  After a bit of a personal and professional dry spell, I have spent the last three or four months making wonderful progress on both fronts.  I've been writing in my blog, serving on an organization's national board and fully engaged in that service, considering entrepreneurship, making incredible inroads at work and networking like nobody's business.  I had resumed fun plans and play dates on the weekends with my husband and son and even managed to lose five pounds.  

Maybe, I thought, maybe I'm close to mastering this balancing act.  But in true Pamela fashion, this bit of success and the excitement it came with fueled my intensity and I thought, I can do more; I can have it all!

I have always subscribed to the philosophy, "go big or go home."  But I think the world of a professional wife and mother, especially one with significant personal and extracurricular commitments (isn't that most of us?), doesn't have room for such rigid thinking.  

While I may write about the importance of balance and allowing yourself the room to make concessions, prioritize and say "no," I have not lived up to my own advice.  I was doing a bit too much the last few months and I think it scrambled my brain a bit.

I look forward to refocusing my efforts, setting feasible goals and being a "good Mami."  For the record, the initial quote from today's post was followed by a very heartfelt declaration if love from my little guy.

Simple Things

Everyday this week, I have layed out Myki's clothes and given him fifteen or so minutes to get dressed.  To my amazement, he has dressed himself!  This feels basic I know, but teaching self-care is not my forte as a mother.  In fact, Myki's ability to dress himself is absolutely a credit to his father. His Dad is really wonderful at teaching him little tricks and tips, shortcuts to pulling pants on and getting your shirt on properly.

I lack a certain patience for teaching self-care.  I also, in true Mami fashion, always want to help and do things for Myki instead of empowering him to do it himself.  My instinct is to carry him despite his being almost four feet tall and I want to scrub him down in the tub (just to make sure he's really clean) and brush his teeth for him (so I can get to the molars!).  But doing everything for Myki is not the answer.  It is absolutely the easier way out for me - if I do it, I know it is properly done and it usually takes half the time.

I know what you are wondering - isn't this counter-intuitive?  In one post, Fine Motor Skills, I am talking about how I don't want teachers to give Myki a pass academically.  And today, I lament the fact that I give him a pass in learning how to take care of himself.  The last two week's of dressing himself has me changing my approach.  First, he's so proud of himself when he dresses himself.  Second, I'm so proud of him when he dresses himself!  This goes to show that four years in, I am still learning from Myki on the regular.

Fine Motor Skills

Myki will officially enter Pre-K next year and Kindergarten the year after that.  His Dad and I have recently refocused our efforts on his academics.  Four year old academics you ask? Yes, we sound and sometimes feel excessive, a little bit Tiger Mother if you will.  Myki meets or exceeds all of the benchmarks for a four year old's development. So, why do we feel the need to push him more?

Our academic desires for him move far beyond ability.  It is really important to us that Michael reach his full potential.  We are obviously bias, but this kid is sharp.  He is inquisitive and creative.  He also has so  much energy!  We have already had one or two teachers in his short academic career refer to him as "having trouble focusing," or say that it is very difficult for him to "sit still."

I have three fears for his academic progress:

1.  When you are really bright and ahead of your peers, it is very easy for you to stop trying.  If being good  comes easy to you, why ever push yourself to be exceptional?  Why work really hard for a B+ in Honors when I can get an A in the regular class?  Why do the extra credit or the homework when I know I'll ace the test?  I want to ensure that Myki doesn't become complacent.

2.  I don't want anyone giving Myki a pass on performing academically.  References to tons of energy are usually a gateway comment to, "maybe he has ADHD" or "boys mature later."  While these things may be true, it's not ok to let a little boy get away with things a girl can't.  Or to let someone with more energy bounce around the room while the other kids are learning.  I don't want Myki to think anything less than focus is ok.  He needs to learn to know that there is a time and place for all kinds of behavior.

3. He'll just get lost in the shuffle or fly under the radar.  In one of Michael's classes, there was a little boy who just got in trouble everyday.  He was putting his hands on other kids, not listening to the teacher, just out of control.  His mom and I would arrive to pick the kids up around the same time and guess which of us was more engaged by the teacher?  The troublemaker's mom.  The teacher would have a 20 minute conversation with her.  If I arrived first and tried to engage her on Myki's progress, she would cut me short when the other mom arrived; "Michael's doing really well.  Have a great night!"  Teachers have large classes and often, not enough resources.  While I understand that, I want to be sure my son never falls through the cracks.  Knowing him and challenging him are important to his development, both at home and at school.

I know that academics are a priority to most parents.  How do you impact your child(ren)'s learning?  We are spending the summer focusing on fine motor skills and writing.  We have daily goals in a workbook and are trying to get Myki used to the idea that each morning and afternoon, he needs to sit down and do a few pages in this workbook before he can do anything fun like TV or the pool.  Sometimes I worry that we are pushing too hard, he is only four after all.  But then I think of my worries above and feel reassured that focusing on his academics now will help him be as great as I know he can be.

B is for Birthday!

My little guy turned four on Wednesday!  Four is a little bit surreal as far as your child's age goes.  Three years old means he can automatically play with twice as many toys (goodbye choking hazard!) and five years old means he is "school-age."  Four is a combination of dull ache because your baby is officially a child, a big kid if you will, and general excitement because he is starting to read, write, ask critical questions and come to very creative solutions and scenarios for how the world works.

Year after year, Myki's birthday gets more and more exciting.  I thought last year Myki really understood that his birthday was a special day.  But last year pales in comparison to this year's excitement!  He has been asking if it is his birthday for the last three months, ever since we began getting birthday party invites from his classmates.  He couldn't wait until his friends sang for him and gave him presents.  

While we couldn't quite pull-off the large birthday party for all, we managed to have an incredibly special day complete with school friends, home friends, strawberry pancakes (as requested), cake, an abundance of presents and of course, the guest of honor, IRON MAN!

My family never really did birthday parties.  I didn't have any until I was old enough to plan and throw them for myself.  And now that I'm an adult, only the divisible by 5 birthdays really seem to matter and I find that all I'd like to do on my birthday is spend some quality "me" time followed by fancy dinner with the family.

I do hope that Myki always feels extra special on his birthday.  As his mom, each year is a celebration of the accomplishments of the past year and anticipation of the successes yet to come.  Happy 4th Birthday Michael!

Do you throw your kids birthday parties?   Are you big on themes and goodie bags, or more of an "invite everyone over to hang out" kind of host?

5 Great Things You Should Read Online This Week

One of the best ways to improve my writing is to read other people's writing.  The more I consume in terms of content, the more I will be able to define what I would like to say and refine how I say it. So, in an attempt to make a name for myself in the blogosphere, here are my highlights for the week, an eclectic mix of blog posts and articles I have found interesting, inspiring and well-written:

1. 5 Things Every WAHP Need on The Happiest Home

The Happiest Home, a blog by Meagan Francis, is full of savvy advice on how to maintain your sanity as a parent.  She has begun posting advice for other parents, particularly moms, who are interested in working at home and making a living as a writer or blogger.  What I love most about The Happiest Home is it feels so practical; the writers have a way of giving common sense advice that feels like new information.

2. Lean In - If You Weren't Afraid

  

If you've been following my blog, you know I'm slightly obsessed with the whole "can women have it all" debate and I'm a pretty big fan of Sheryl Sandberg.  While I may not agree with all of her points, I love that she has used her cache and cultural capital to discuss women, work and leadership.  One of my favorite lines from her book is in the introduction.  She says leaning in is what you would do if you weren't afraid and that for her writing the book is what she would do if she weren't afraid, so she did it!  This Tumblr page is dedicated to declarations of what women would do if they weren't afraid - I love it and find it incredibly inspiring!  Declaring what you would do is the first step to making it real.

If I weren't afraid, I'd become an entrepreneur and trust in my ability to live and support my family off of my writing, facilitation and consulting work.  

What would you do?

3. Levo League   

A good friend introduced me to Levo League (pronounced lay-vo).  I couldn't even pick an article from the site to highlight because I am so amazed by the concept and the content.  This is one of those things I wish I'd thought of!  Click the link and let me know if you have a favorite article or Office Hours video!

They also have a community on MightyBell that I highly recommend.  I was hesitant at first because, let's face it, it is challenging to manage yet another social media platform.  But MightyBell is about making connections that are genuinely mutually beneficial - try it!

"Levo is a growing community of professional women seeking advice, inspiration, and the tools needed to succeed."

4. 7 Tips to Keep You From Punking Out On Your Goals - The Young Mommy Life

Can you see a trend here?  Self-improvement and accomplishing my goals is the topic of the moment in my life.  Tara Jefferson of The Young Mommy Life put her mind to becoming a full-time writer and has built a wonderful compilation of advice, personal anecdotes that inspire, and a consistent message that "you (I) can do it!"  I am working on #2 - What should my alter ego be?  I might borrow Beyonce's - Sasha Fierce?

5. Beyond Money and Power (and Stress and Burnout): In Search of a New Definition of Success by Arianna Huffington

Rounding off today's tidbits with a rather long but awesome article on how we define success.  Arianna Huffington of the Huffington Post argues that right now, money and power are the two metrics most often used to define success.  She is holding a conference in NY next week to discuss definitions of the third metric - how should we define success?  If you are focused on the first two, what are you sacrificing or not nurturing in pursuit of money and power?  Personally, a strong sense of self, passion for what I am doing and some level of balance (i.e. not letting my work be the only thing that defines me) are critical.

PS - I came across this article on LinkedIn.  I have recently re-discovered the value of LinkedIn - there is really some incredible writing there.  And I like that there are separate online homes for my personal and professional self. A post on social media presence is coming soon.

I would love to see any blog posts or articles that you found particularly inspiring or just good.  Send them my way!