Post-Baby Body Journey

In April my husband and I celebrated five years of marriage and in December we will celebrate eight years together.  I was pregnant with our first and only child within five months of being married and gained 60 lbs during that pregnancy. When I walked in to deliver my son, I weighed 250 lbs.  I am only 5' 3" people; it was out of control. 

 When I was pregnant, I read so much about what was happening to my body. There was a lot of physical change and I wanted to be sure it was all normal.  I also read about post-pregnancy, but that was really focused on nursing and sleep and anything related directly to the baby.

What I never read about was what would happen to my appearance.  I had horrendous stretch marks that literally cover my entire stomach.  Despite the promises of an array of vitamin E and cocoa butter products, they don't fade over time or get smaller.  After delivery, my stomach just deflated....there was So. Much. Skin.  It took 10 months to stretch out and many months to come back.  And after swelling to an H cup, my breasts absolutely lost their youthful perkiness (that is gentle wording for what occurred).  There was also the matter of 30 lbs to loose.  Surprisingly the first 30 were lost in delivery (talk about water weight!)

I stepped fairly easily into new motherhood.  The focus was on the baby.  The changes in my shape, this new focus and the comfort of being with the same man for four years left space for homeliness to set in.  I never really went and bought new clothes for my new body, vowing that I'd make the clothes I had work until my body "came back."  I wore maternity clothes until they were so big they fell off and then pieced together outfits from Target clearance runs, what was left in my closet that I could button or zip and my sister-in-law's hand-me-downs.  She had a big weight loss during this time. Thank goodness, because I might've been naked without her generous contributions.

This state of disarray lasted for close to four years.  I didn't really realize how bad it had gotten until it started to get better. In February 2012, I got a new job in a new city and started to pack up my closet.  Moving is expensive and relocation costs would not be covered.  I decided I wasn't going to pay to move just anything and left 3/4 of my closet behind.   Really examining those contents was eye-opening. "Wow, I don't really like any of this and, it doesn't fit well, and nothing is cut above the matronly length of just below the knee." 

I then got to my new position and stripped away even more, purchasing a few pieces of clothing here and there to support my new look as a power professional, working to hone in on what was flattering versus the "large enough to hide" approach I'd been using. 

I then came across a website, The Shape of a Mother, that showed pictures of women's post-baby bodies.  I found myself clicking through picture after picture, looking for my specific body and it's corresponding "damage."  It was therapeutic I suppose, confirmation that stretch marks, extra weight changing shape was all normal and literally happened to everyone who had a baby. 

In April of this year, my husband and I celebrated five years of marriage and I, for the first time since just after my wedding, got a Brazilian bikini wax.  TMI you say, but this was pivotal moment in rediscovering my sexy post-baby self.  Since then, I've started to notice myself in the mirror.  I still have the good kind of curves, I still have a desirable shape and there are still clothes that can make me look good.  Last week, I wore a thong.  Again, TMI you say, but I guarantee you that the transition from granny panties back to a thong is a serious milestone in the post-baby body journey.

I just came across this post on Babble about "A Beautiful Body Project," more very candid photos of post-baby bodies.  The photographer behind the site is working on a book highlighting the    “movement of women coming together to tell their stories and celebrate their ever-changing bodies so that future generations of women can live free from self-suffering.”

Self-suffering isn't the phrase I would have used, but when I think about it, it's accurate. Depriving myself of a beauty regimen, sexy underthings, curve-hugging attire is self-suffering...placing myself in the role of victim to my changing body versus the empowerment that should come with a body that has brought life into this world.  

At 190 lbs, I've lost the pregnancy weight and look forward to continuing the weight loss journey. But even if my weight maintains, there will be waxes, thongs and hip-hugging garments to remind me of the particular sexy that comes with knowing what your body can do.

Following My Own Advice

"Sometimes you're a good Mami and sometimes you're a bad Mami.  When you work (read: look at your phone) instead of reading the story, you're a bad Mami."

Sometimes you need your baby to tell you how it is.  Recently, I have had an incredibly short attention span. There is always a sense that I am neglecting an email, have waited too long to respond to a networking message or have missed important articles about what is going on in the world or my industry.   

My son's comment is one of many signs that I need to take a moment and clear my head.  I recently realized I had triple-booked myself next week - who does that?  I also currently have at least a dozen draft blog posts in my que and haven't completed one in three weeks; and I've started no less than five books in the last month, finishing exactly none.

I think it is my recent obsession with balance that has me so scattered.  After a bit of a personal and professional dry spell, I have spent the last three or four months making wonderful progress on both fronts.  I've been writing in my blog, serving on an organization's national board and fully engaged in that service, considering entrepreneurship, making incredible inroads at work and networking like nobody's business.  I had resumed fun plans and play dates on the weekends with my husband and son and even managed to lose five pounds.  

Maybe, I thought, maybe I'm close to mastering this balancing act.  But in true Pamela fashion, this bit of success and the excitement it came with fueled my intensity and I thought, I can do more; I can have it all!

I have always subscribed to the philosophy, "go big or go home."  But I think the world of a professional wife and mother, especially one with significant personal and extracurricular commitments (isn't that most of us?), doesn't have room for such rigid thinking.  

While I may write about the importance of balance and allowing yourself the room to make concessions, prioritize and say "no," I have not lived up to my own advice.  I was doing a bit too much the last few months and I think it scrambled my brain a bit.

I look forward to refocusing my efforts, setting feasible goals and being a "good Mami."  For the record, the initial quote from today's post was followed by a very heartfelt declaration if love from my little guy.

Simple Things

Everyday this week, I have layed out Myki's clothes and given him fifteen or so minutes to get dressed.  To my amazement, he has dressed himself!  This feels basic I know, but teaching self-care is not my forte as a mother.  In fact, Myki's ability to dress himself is absolutely a credit to his father. His Dad is really wonderful at teaching him little tricks and tips, shortcuts to pulling pants on and getting your shirt on properly.

I lack a certain patience for teaching self-care.  I also, in true Mami fashion, always want to help and do things for Myki instead of empowering him to do it himself.  My instinct is to carry him despite his being almost four feet tall and I want to scrub him down in the tub (just to make sure he's really clean) and brush his teeth for him (so I can get to the molars!).  But doing everything for Myki is not the answer.  It is absolutely the easier way out for me - if I do it, I know it is properly done and it usually takes half the time.

I know what you are wondering - isn't this counter-intuitive?  In one post, Fine Motor Skills, I am talking about how I don't want teachers to give Myki a pass academically.  And today, I lament the fact that I give him a pass in learning how to take care of himself.  The last two week's of dressing himself has me changing my approach.  First, he's so proud of himself when he dresses himself.  Second, I'm so proud of him when he dresses himself!  This goes to show that four years in, I am still learning from Myki on the regular.

Fine Motor Skills

Myki will officially enter Pre-K next year and Kindergarten the year after that.  His Dad and I have recently refocused our efforts on his academics.  Four year old academics you ask? Yes, we sound and sometimes feel excessive, a little bit Tiger Mother if you will.  Myki meets or exceeds all of the benchmarks for a four year old's development. So, why do we feel the need to push him more?

Our academic desires for him move far beyond ability.  It is really important to us that Michael reach his full potential.  We are obviously bias, but this kid is sharp.  He is inquisitive and creative.  He also has so  much energy!  We have already had one or two teachers in his short academic career refer to him as "having trouble focusing," or say that it is very difficult for him to "sit still."

I have three fears for his academic progress:

1.  When you are really bright and ahead of your peers, it is very easy for you to stop trying.  If being good  comes easy to you, why ever push yourself to be exceptional?  Why work really hard for a B+ in Honors when I can get an A in the regular class?  Why do the extra credit or the homework when I know I'll ace the test?  I want to ensure that Myki doesn't become complacent.

2.  I don't want anyone giving Myki a pass on performing academically.  References to tons of energy are usually a gateway comment to, "maybe he has ADHD" or "boys mature later."  While these things may be true, it's not ok to let a little boy get away with things a girl can't.  Or to let someone with more energy bounce around the room while the other kids are learning.  I don't want Myki to think anything less than focus is ok.  He needs to learn to know that there is a time and place for all kinds of behavior.

3. He'll just get lost in the shuffle or fly under the radar.  In one of Michael's classes, there was a little boy who just got in trouble everyday.  He was putting his hands on other kids, not listening to the teacher, just out of control.  His mom and I would arrive to pick the kids up around the same time and guess which of us was more engaged by the teacher?  The troublemaker's mom.  The teacher would have a 20 minute conversation with her.  If I arrived first and tried to engage her on Myki's progress, she would cut me short when the other mom arrived; "Michael's doing really well.  Have a great night!"  Teachers have large classes and often, not enough resources.  While I understand that, I want to be sure my son never falls through the cracks.  Knowing him and challenging him are important to his development, both at home and at school.

I know that academics are a priority to most parents.  How do you impact your child(ren)'s learning?  We are spending the summer focusing on fine motor skills and writing.  We have daily goals in a workbook and are trying to get Myki used to the idea that each morning and afternoon, he needs to sit down and do a few pages in this workbook before he can do anything fun like TV or the pool.  Sometimes I worry that we are pushing too hard, he is only four after all.  But then I think of my worries above and feel reassured that focusing on his academics now will help him be as great as I know he can be.

B is for Birthday!

My little guy turned four on Wednesday!  Four is a little bit surreal as far as your child's age goes.  Three years old means he can automatically play with twice as many toys (goodbye choking hazard!) and five years old means he is "school-age."  Four is a combination of dull ache because your baby is officially a child, a big kid if you will, and general excitement because he is starting to read, write, ask critical questions and come to very creative solutions and scenarios for how the world works.

Year after year, Myki's birthday gets more and more exciting.  I thought last year Myki really understood that his birthday was a special day.  But last year pales in comparison to this year's excitement!  He has been asking if it is his birthday for the last three months, ever since we began getting birthday party invites from his classmates.  He couldn't wait until his friends sang for him and gave him presents.  

While we couldn't quite pull-off the large birthday party for all, we managed to have an incredibly special day complete with school friends, home friends, strawberry pancakes (as requested), cake, an abundance of presents and of course, the guest of honor, IRON MAN!

My family never really did birthday parties.  I didn't have any until I was old enough to plan and throw them for myself.  And now that I'm an adult, only the divisible by 5 birthdays really seem to matter and I find that all I'd like to do on my birthday is spend some quality "me" time followed by fancy dinner with the family.

I do hope that Myki always feels extra special on his birthday.  As his mom, each year is a celebration of the accomplishments of the past year and anticipation of the successes yet to come.  Happy 4th Birthday Michael!

Do you throw your kids birthday parties?   Are you big on themes and goodie bags, or more of an "invite everyone over to hang out" kind of host?

5 Great Things You Should Read Online This Week

One of the best ways to improve my writing is to read other people's writing.  The more I consume in terms of content, the more I will be able to define what I would like to say and refine how I say it. So, in an attempt to make a name for myself in the blogosphere, here are my highlights for the week, an eclectic mix of blog posts and articles I have found interesting, inspiring and well-written:

1. 5 Things Every WAHP Need on The Happiest Home

The Happiest Home, a blog by Meagan Francis, is full of savvy advice on how to maintain your sanity as a parent.  She has begun posting advice for other parents, particularly moms, who are interested in working at home and making a living as a writer or blogger.  What I love most about The Happiest Home is it feels so practical; the writers have a way of giving common sense advice that feels like new information.

2. Lean In - If You Weren't Afraid

  

If you've been following my blog, you know I'm slightly obsessed with the whole "can women have it all" debate and I'm a pretty big fan of Sheryl Sandberg.  While I may not agree with all of her points, I love that she has used her cache and cultural capital to discuss women, work and leadership.  One of my favorite lines from her book is in the introduction.  She says leaning in is what you would do if you weren't afraid and that for her writing the book is what she would do if she weren't afraid, so she did it!  This Tumblr page is dedicated to declarations of what women would do if they weren't afraid - I love it and find it incredibly inspiring!  Declaring what you would do is the first step to making it real.

If I weren't afraid, I'd become an entrepreneur and trust in my ability to live and support my family off of my writing, facilitation and consulting work.  

What would you do?

3. Levo League   

A good friend introduced me to Levo League (pronounced lay-vo).  I couldn't even pick an article from the site to highlight because I am so amazed by the concept and the content.  This is one of those things I wish I'd thought of!  Click the link and let me know if you have a favorite article or Office Hours video!

They also have a community on MightyBell that I highly recommend.  I was hesitant at first because, let's face it, it is challenging to manage yet another social media platform.  But MightyBell is about making connections that are genuinely mutually beneficial - try it!

"Levo is a growing community of professional women seeking advice, inspiration, and the tools needed to succeed."

4. 7 Tips to Keep You From Punking Out On Your Goals - The Young Mommy Life

Can you see a trend here?  Self-improvement and accomplishing my goals is the topic of the moment in my life.  Tara Jefferson of The Young Mommy Life put her mind to becoming a full-time writer and has built a wonderful compilation of advice, personal anecdotes that inspire, and a consistent message that "you (I) can do it!"  I am working on #2 - What should my alter ego be?  I might borrow Beyonce's - Sasha Fierce?

5. Beyond Money and Power (and Stress and Burnout): In Search of a New Definition of Success by Arianna Huffington

Rounding off today's tidbits with a rather long but awesome article on how we define success.  Arianna Huffington of the Huffington Post argues that right now, money and power are the two metrics most often used to define success.  She is holding a conference in NY next week to discuss definitions of the third metric - how should we define success?  If you are focused on the first two, what are you sacrificing or not nurturing in pursuit of money and power?  Personally, a strong sense of self, passion for what I am doing and some level of balance (i.e. not letting my work be the only thing that defines me) are critical.

PS - I came across this article on LinkedIn.  I have recently re-discovered the value of LinkedIn - there is really some incredible writing there.  And I like that there are separate online homes for my personal and professional self. A post on social media presence is coming soon.

I would love to see any blog posts or articles that you found particularly inspiring or just good.  Send them my way!

Can Women (or I) do Less?

I have spent the last year slightly obsessed with the question, can women have it all?  The first question to consider in this discussion is, how do we define all?  For me "all" is a rather overwhelming concept.  It includes:

- a solid career (not a job) with a comfortable salary, reliable benefits and at least two weeks of paid vacation (preferably three to four);
- the time, energy and resources to nurture my relationships with my spouse, son, extended family and friends;
- feeling as though Myki not only has everything he needs, but also everything I'd like him to have
- the possibility of another Myki
- home ownership
- true health - physical, mental and emotional health
- regularly scheduled "me" time

I know I am not unique in wanting all of these things.  But I've recently read and encountered some perspectives that make me wonder if its detrimental to my overall happiness to seek so much.  My definition of "having it all" includes seven measures that each have complicated and difficult to achieve sub-elements.  Who has the time to perfect each of these things all at once? 

Perhaps the question to ask is, can women do less?  In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg states that working mothers compare their work success to men and their roles as spouse and mother to stay at home moms.  Both comparisons are unfair to ourselves.  Another example - I started running two years ago using the Couch to 5K app.  My goal each day was to finish the cycle; sometimes the run part was more like a slow crawl, but I finished.  I couldn't and didn't compare myself to an Olympic runner, someone whose whole job was to run.  It isn't my full-time job to run and yet I, like many women, don't give myself a break with other things like work and motherhood.

Professionally, I am doing some work with FranklinCovey. Through our work together, I got my hands on a copy of The 4 Disciplines of Execution.  I'm about 60 pages into the book and the first discipline is about focusing your goals.  The book sites brain research that shows humanity is hard-wired to be able to do only one thing at a time.  But as women, we are taught to perpetually multi-task and that doing it all is the goal.  According to the 4 Disciplines, the more you do, the less you do well. 

This is not a revolutionary concept; we have heard it before: 

A jack of all trades is master of none.

For everything you get you have to give something away.



Perhaps the "can women have it all" debate is counterproductive to women's overall happiness and sense of accomplishment?  If I can't balance everything and do everything perfectly, I feel I have failed.  That kind of pressure is not really reasonable.  For me, I think the true test will be refining my definition of "all" and getting comfortable with the idea that everything is a process.  I still beleive the collective measure of "all" can encompass everything above, but I need to slow down and focus on one or two items versus spreading my limited energy and efforts across seven elements.

How do you define having it all?  Is having it all the goal?


Chasing Happy

Motherhood is absolutely a roller coaster with ups and downs.  There are mornings like Mother's Day where Myki says, and I quote, "Mami, you are great.  Oh no!  I need to get you flowers." And mornings like yesterdsy when just before it is time to leave the house, Myki locks me out of my own bedroom.  Consequently, I left the house without finishing the morning coffee I'd left in there or putting on the earrings or deodorant that live on the vanity in said bedroom.

It is moments like yesterday that help me realize I can't be all happy all of the time.  On top of the fact that I am naturally serious, there is no one out there who lives on cloud nine, whose life is all rainbows and butterflies and unicorns.  So the closest I can get to that elusive place of perpetual happiness is to laugh at the stressful times, the ridiculousness of leaving the house with no deodorant on and retell the perfect times like one morning this week when Myki looked up at me with sleepy eyes and told me he'd miss me, he loves me and to have a great day at work.

I hope all of you have a great day at work tomorrow, Monday and all!

I mean, who wouldn't be happy looking at that face?!

5 Lessons My Mother Taught Me

As a mother, you are tasked with caring for, nurturing and challenging your child to be the best person they can be.  Usually, your best example of how to do that is your own mother.  My mother and I have a tumultuous history.  The older I get, the more forgiving I become of a past between us that has both enraged and hurt me.  I now recognize that she did her best with what she had, emotionally and otherwise.  I am grateful for the incredible lessons she's taught me and the example she has set.  I also work to do better in raising my son with the hope that he will do better in raising his own children.  I know I will make my own mistakes along the way and that's ok.  There is no "right way" to parent, only the right intent to love, nurture and do the best that you can.

Lesson #1 - "I don't believe in that" or the Importance of Conviction
Growing up, I thought my mom was so irrationally strict.  I would come home with a proposal to do this or that, having built bullet points and what I thought to be a compelling argument for my participation.  My mom wouldn't even dialogue with me.  She would just say, "you're not doing that, I don't believe in that!"   The most common plea was for something that required sleeping at someone else's house, an idea she was not even open to.  Looking back, I'm glad I wasn't allowed to go; especially as I got older and those sleepovers were just fronts for one kind of bad behavior or another.  While I was trying desperately to be American and like my friends, my mom held true to her convictions about what I could and could not do, and I am grateful for that.  And Myki's sleepovers will be limited, at least.

Lesson #2 - No Excuses, Play Like a Champion
Sacrifice and discomfort are inherent to elevating your station.  My mom sometimes had two plus hour commutes, each way.  She had to stay late for meetings and hire help for drop-off and pick-up and she had to figure out how she'd be able to go on business trips and weekend golf retreats because that's the level she was at.  That wasn't always pretty and she absolutely sacrificed time with her children to do all of these things. But if you ask her, she did it all for us.  No matter how difficult something is, I can do it, because of what she did before me and because Myki gives me strength.

Lesson #3 - Reading is Fundamental

My mom came to the US from the Dominican Republic without even a basic understanding of the language.  She learned English, enrolled in college and got a Bachelor of Science in Chemical Engineering from Pratt Institute of Technology in Brooklyn.  She then enrolled in masters degree courses while a newlywed and got pregnant with me.  She was the only woman, only person of color, only immigrant and absolutely the only pregnant woman in her graduate engineering courses in 1984.  She wasn't able to finish her thesis but took all of the required coursework for a masters before having me.  She earned a Certificate in Project Management from Drexel University when I was ten or twelve and enlisted my brother and I to cut out images for her project presentation board one evening.  Academics, study, literacy is everything.  It is truly the great equalizer.

Lesson #4 - "It Takes a Village to Raise a Child"
Loneliness is probably one of the most challenging emotions to work through, because you have to figure it out by yourself and you have no one to speak to.  People are inherently pack animals; we want and need to be part of a community and a family.  After my parents divorced, I don't think my mom had enough of a village.  She needed more friends who shared her perspective, other women and single moms who had been through a divorce and professional women of color to network with.  My membership in in a Latina-based sorority, Sigma Lambda Upsilon/Senoritas Latinas Unidas, Inc., moderation of the MomsofSLU listserv, friends from college and prior work experiences and professional network fill that void for me.  When I feel overwhelmed by it all or question whether I should be involved in so many things and connected with so many people, I think of my mom and how she needed that.  My mental health is just as important to Myki, if not more so, as it is for me.

Lesson #5 - Parents are Not Your Friends...or your Dictator
A lot of my friends growing up felt like their parents were their friends.  This is apparently a trend of the Millennial generation.  My mom was far from my friend.  She was the woman in charge 100%. But now, now that I'm an adult and a mother, we are more friends or at least, a little bit friends.  I like to think there is a happy medium between pure friendship and pure autocracy.  I am still working to find that place and balance.  Discipline is just as important as listening and engaging in a real dialogue.  Everyone, even children, need to feel like they have some kind of input into their own fate.  Disney's Brave has reiterated the importance of that for me! ;-) 

We Are Adventurers!

There is nothing like watching your baby sleep.  Early on, my mother-in-law told me that when babies sleep, their brains are processing everything they've learned and taken in that day.  Every time I watch Myki sleep, I think about the day we have had and all that he has seen, done and conquered.  Yes, conquered; didn't you know my son was a super hero?

Last night Myki was asleep minutes after story time. That heavy sleep gives me so much pleasure.  I count teacher and adventurer as essential functions of my role as mother.  I will ensure Myki has new, exciting and enriching experiences on a regular basis.  In practice, this means we will pretend to be soldiers or super heroes, we will run as fast as we can and we will try new and a little bit scary things, like letting a giant horse eat an apple from our little hand. His sleep is one of many indicators of my success that day. Today I can say, "you did good Mami."