Liberation - August 19, 2008

I'm a big fan of Budget Travel magazine. If you haven't read it, you really should. It has travel tips, sample itineraries, 40 travel deals for each month and some amazing pictures. For someone like me, on a constant budget, it's the perfect travel indulgence...telling me how to economically enjoy the world. Every quarter, Budget Travel comes with a supplement called Girlfriend Getaways, a sister publication that focuses on how you and your gal pals can see the world. This quarter's issue of Girlfriend Getaways focused on girlfriends goading their friends into all sorts of ridiculous and at the same time, liberating, activities.

Now aside from my sorority road trips in college (which usually consisted of sleeping on a floor), I've never really taken a girlfriend getaway (but I do have aspirations of a trip to Vegas for all my girlfriends reading, so start putting away!). But this past weekend my great friend and bridesmaid Dionne was in Miami with some of her friends. They spent 3 days getting sun on the beach and nights on the strip. On Saturday, I decided to join them. Despite my residence in Miami, I barely get over to the beach...a shame, I know.

So we get to the beach and I down a deliciously strong smoothie from Wet Willy's. The sun is blazing so we all head out to the water and someone decides they're going to go topless....and someone else follows...and I'm thinking, should I? I've never dared to do such a thing. I've been wearing a bra since the 2nd grade so my chest has never been cute and perky - nothing I thought was worth sharing and really, just a cause for poor posture. But then someone else takes the plunge and I decide, why the hell not?!?! So down comes the suit. And at first I'm timid, ducked down in the water hoping not to gross anyone out by the sheer magnitude of my "flotation devices" as someone so eloquently put it. But then I noticed that no one else seemed ashamed...no one else felt the need to hide or cross their arms. So I just swam around, I stood straight up, I even had the audacity to float on my back...and it felt wonderful. It was nice to just let it all hang out so to speak - to know that I was doing something a little naughty, but not quite dirty...and the exhibitionist in me blossomed (she's the one who floated on her back). Here's to many more girlfriend getaways.

Olympics - Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Did you see the opening ceremonies to the Olympics? A-MAZ-ING! I mean really, 2008 people doing EXACTLY the same thing?! It's like the world's greatest step show. I just don't know how London will be able to do anything like this in 2012. I've never actually been to Britain but the impression I've been given of this country where my dollar is worth $0.50 on a good day is bland food, lots of rain and much beer. Will they be able to present something as spectacular as this show? The largest LCD screen in existence, synchronization at it's best, culture, history, the bird's nest AND the water cube. I'm in awe of all of it.

Aside from the spectacular Olympic presentation of the Chinese in executing the world's largest sporting event, I'm also amazed at how suddenly, everyone I run into is a sports fan...myself included. I've been up past 11 every night since the opening ceremonies (my bedtime is really 10 o'clock and would be earlier if my husband would allow it). From beach volleyball to gymnastics (beautiful) and synchronized diving, which I didn't even know was a sport five days ago, I've watched anything that comes across the screen. I've diligently tracked the metal count (always hoping to catch the Dominican Republic on the list) and cursing when I see that China has 17 gold medals compared to the US's 7. And every conversation I've had has involved the Olympics.

I then find my mind wandering off to life as an Olympian and am definitely most interested in all of the little background stories presented throughout the games. Michael Phelps eats 8 - 10,000 calories a day! And it's still not enough to break 200 lbs. Aside from swimming, he eats and sleeps, he's lazy out of the pool. Shawn Johnson's gym in Iowa flooded so she trained in 2 ft of water until she was evacuated. One of the American synchro divers had her mom move to Indiana with her so she could train with her partner.

The life of an Olympian is some life. For someone like me who's been vowing to loose 20 lbs and study for the GMAT for the last two years...and have accomplished neither goal....the thought of putting everything aside and spending all of that time and energy on a sport and physical fitness just blows my mind. I mean, the type of endurance and mental concentration is baffling. And the sacrifice - missing middle and high school to train, having your mom move across the country with you (away from her husband) so that you can maybe be an Olympian. Would I go through all that if I were talented enough? Would my parents have even considered such a drastic change and financial commitment? My mom couldn't even be convinced to take me to softball practice (my Dad drove down to Jersey from NYC twice a week so that I could go). The whole thing is just....yes, I'll say it again....amazing. And really what I need to take from it all is some inspiration, a little nudge to plug away at my goals - don't have dessert and crack the GMAT prep book open. Because that's nothing compared to what other people do to achieve their goals.

Mike's Birthday - August 10, 2008

Another party at the Fuller residence. Mike's 24th birthday was yesterday...don't you love when that special day falls on a Saturday? At first we weren't going to do anything big, a party for two if you will. But on Friday, Mike decided maybe we should invite some people. So I did my wifely duty and made the appropriate phone calls.

I always get a little anxious having an "event." Perhaps it's residual anxiety from my high schools years, but I'm always afraid I'm not cool enough for people to actually come and if they do come, I worry that they won't have fun at my house...since we technically don't have enough seating for everyone, no patio furniture for the BBQ part and a lack of board games (which is apparently what parties consist of in your mid-twenties?).

But all in all it went really well. Most of Mike's close friends came through (food and drink in hand). The BBQ was delicious, drinks were abundant and the laughs continued. Mike's night ended in happy drunkenness. And I officially earned the title of "Best Wife to Have on Your Birthday" for putting it all together.

My first entry that actually is just musings - July 30, 2008

I've already been married for 3 months and completed over a year of employment at Best Buddies. I've lived in Florida for a year and four months - in that time I've gone home to see my Dad 3 times (and gotten a new baby brother) and gone home to Mom 10 or so times. When I stop to really look back at the past year and four months, it just flew by. In my freshmen year of college, the thought of three more years seemed like an eternity. In terms of my experiences and how I changed in those four years at college, it probably was an eternity but looking back, it just whizzed by. I don't know if this is something of a mid-life crisis but I've recently been feeling so overwhelmed with the magnitude of what I want to accomplish in what seems like such a short period of time.

I'm married at 23 - this, was an unexpected gift. And now that I'm married, I want to have a baby at 25 (it seems arbitrary but I'd like to get started early to avoid the many healthy problems that my mom suffered through in having her babies at 30 and 35). And before having a baby, my husband and I want to get out of debt (a cumulative amount more than our annual income), own a home (I have a sub-prime credit score which will take at least 7 years to repair), loose a combined 100 lbs (I just had cookies for dessert and rice and platanos with my dinner...), we want a certain annual income (about twice what we're making now) and Master's degrees (we haven't even taken a GRE). So when I do the math, I'll be ready to have a baby in my early 30's...more than five years after my goal.

Time just seems to be escaping me.

Mike tells me I just need to take one thing at a time. In the words of Stacy's away message, plan the work and work the plan. But I've always had trouble seperating everything. I guess it's the fatalist in me - I need to pay down my debt, but i don't make enough money, and if I don't make enough money, I can't go back to school, which means I'll be stuck in this job forever, and...well, I think you get it. This is where my mind goes.

Most recently I've been busying myself with projects:
- Catching up on work - I've been checked out the last few months and there is much to do
- Revitalizing the Theta Iota Chapter
- Single-handedly running the first ever SLU auction at our national convention in DC (a trip I'm not even sure I can afford to take)
- Creating a consulting firm with my sister-in-law
- This blog
- A pretty agressive job search
- Reading more...

This is the same approach I had in college - if I keep myself busy enough, it'll all just come together. I guess the hope is that one or more of these projects will bring me to some peace and a sense that it will in fact all be ok.

The largest benefit of having a husband is the confidence that you are not going through any of this along. The detriment of a husband - now you're failures are no longer just yours. If I fail, I've failed him as well.

I assume the most important part of it all is to try and keep some perspective and not let the emotion of it overtake me. Something my friend Sarah says comes with age. For despite my Mrs. status, I am only 23.

Reunion - Saturday, July 19, 2008

Today, three months after the happiest day of my life, I picked-up my wedding dress from the dry cleaners. I was determined to get a certain list of errands done and still make it to the beach for some sun bathing and relaxation before Mike got home from work (5 PM) - really maximize my Saturday. So I was up at 10 (this is early for me on a Saturday) and working - dishes, sorting through all of the laundry that needed to be done, cleaning the kitchen...Jumped in the shower, got all my beach stuff ready and packed into the car. First stop, north to Publix for my beach snacks. Then south to the dry cleaners - drop the dress off at home - and off to the beach.

I had been saving up the money to pick up the dress since I dropped it off. And calling the dry cleaners -

Can I pick it up on the 1st?
Sure
Call back - can I pick it up on the 15th?
...not a problem
Well - actually can I get it on the 1st?
yes ma'm...it's still here
I'll be there on the 15th, is that ok?

So finally, this paycheck was the one that put me over the top. I drove up to the dry cleaners...parked, and timidly walked up to the door. I dreaded something would be wrong - they closed early on saturday, gave my dress to Goodwill since it had been there 2 months... something.

The store is open - relief!

I walk-in, receipt in hand - I'm here to pick up THE wedding dress (because mine is the only one that ever had to be laundered before).

The teller goes to the reel to look for it. All of the clothes spin - my eyes frantically running back and forth trying to spot something familiar. STOP

She pulls down my dress - instant Kool-Aid smile!!! It was like seeing my long-lost friend - my 3rd bridesmaid - my partner in all of the anxiety, excitement, joy and love that filled my wedding day.

And...icing on the cake - the check-out woman at the cleaners tells me - is that YOUR dress? It's beautiful...but it looks too big for you.

Oh no, it fits like a glove.
Really? You look a lot smaller than that.

Oh yes, I was happy.

Ode to Bus 54 - July 10, 2008

My good friend Jessica was inspired to begin her blog while riding the 54 Bus in Washington, DC. She always told me about it and I never got myself together to read it. As much as I love email, I find I am often hesitant to move onto all of the other things the Internet holds. I just recently began online shopping...I know, I'm an old lady at heart.

The bus54 blog is currently home to Dispatches from Bolivia which motivated me to be an avid fan of the blog. Phone calls to Bolivia weren't really an option so reading the weekly posts was the best way to stay connected with all of Jessica's adventures. But after my month and a half of commuting via Miami's very interesting public transportation system, I think I was probably missing out on bus54.

Thanks to the rising cost of gasoline, increased parking costs and the legacy of the wedding of my dreams (ask VISA about it), I gave up driving to work and began taking the bus. For those of you who enjoy people watching, let me tell you, the bus is the perfect place to really cultivate your people watching skills...and probably your storytelling as well. You begin to see the same people each day. You see their outfits, where they get on and off and overhear snippets of their lives as they talk on the phone or surprisingly, to each other (yes, strangers).


The most interesting characters so far:

- This man who looked like he was dropped right out of the '80's....like a retired pimp who'd been through some things. He had on those old school air force ones with a mustard yellow Nike check and a matching yellow jumpsuit! Dark shades and a gold chain rounded out the look and I wondered, where could he be going?

- The woman with a voice box who actually spoke to me - Outside of those Truth campaign commercials, I'd never really seen the voice box (I know there's a medical name for it) in person. So that in itself caused some staring (thank God for sunglasses). But then, she put her hand to her neck and spoke to me! It really does sound like a robot. Where could she be going and what is it like to go there everyday and have to work in that condition?

- "When I do XYZ, I can get into my dream school, Devry University. Once I get in there, I'm set, that's where all of the millionaire companies hire from." Who calls Devry their dream school? This is a far cry from my GW classmates and a true testament to the value of advertising. After thinking about it though, it's also a true testament to the elitism I feel...I mean really, how dare I question or gawk at a young man (a young black man) who's trying to get an education. Who am I to judge the quality of that education?

- Pajama Lady - now I know I've been known to go out and have a little too much cleavage but this woman literally had on a night gown! She was very chatty with her fellow commuters - she cleans houses and her husband works at Wendy's - she was at least 40. And as I sat there coming to my own conclusions about how she dressed and what her life must be like, the bus driver was trying to kick a high school kid off the bus. He looked 15 or 16 and had paid 75 cents, the student fare. But he had no student ID to show so pajama lady gives him a dollar - "here you go baby boy. I don't want you to have to get off the bus. Just remember your ID next time OK sweetheart?" Another lesson in humility for me.

Types of Love - July 9, 2008

Hey, no new posts?! lol....i thought i would add a random/nice memory to your blog. Now this may apply more to me than you, but here goes lol. One thing I'll always remember about you is how thoughtful you are. I have evidence of this thoughtfulness all over my room (at this very moment). I still have (and cherish) two small wooden jewelry boxes you gave me from DR and a pair of volcanic rock turtles you got me from Italy. I really love them all and wanted to thank you again for thinking of me :)
- Jennifer Kurtz, Elementary School Friend Extraordinaire

Jennifer Kurtz has probably been my biggest fan in terms of this whole blogging endeavor. Who knew so many years ago that we would reconnect in the blogesphere!

Her recent post on my blog reminded me of something another great friend of mine told me about in college. Jessica Lynd is always reading something inspiring, something spiritual and thought provoking and often comes to some very accurate conclusions about the nature of man and the nature of particular people that she knows based on her readings. I think she's really mastered the art of reflecting on what you read.

According to Gary Chapman, there are Five Love Languages and the only way to achieve and express heartfelt commitment to your partner is to fully understand your love language and theirs. Jessica read the book and described the languages to me:

1. Words of Affirmation - this person gives and thrives off of verbal appreciation and encouragement
2. Quality Time - this person treasures quality conversation and activities, really focusing on spending time with the other person
3. Gifts - this person expresses themselves by giving gifts and really treasures any gift that is received
4. Acts of Service - this love language involves physical expressions of love in helping others and appreciating when you are being helped
5. Physical Touch - self-explanatory
   

She identified me as someone who expresses themselves by giving gifts and really treasures any gift that is received. I do pride myself on being an excellent gift giver. I always do my best to find that special something for someone...something I've been slacking on recently. And reading Jenn's post made me so happy - it's always nice to know the things you put effort into matter to someone else.

I really do love Magazines - July 8, 2008

My love affair with magazines began at an early age. I was one of those kids who always had a subscription - Highlights, National Geographic Kids, Scholastic something or other and then the infamous Cricket and later, Cicada magazines (fabulous writing like The New Yorker, but for kids). It was the only way for my Dad to keep up with my book a day reading habit (magazines are far cheaper).

Today on the bus I was reading my first issue of Entrepreneur. I had picked-it up at the airport on my way to DR (my guilty pleasure while I travel -blow $20 on magazines at the newstand). Traveling is my opportunity to test drive something new - see what is worth getting a subscription too. The selection of Entrepreneur was inspired by my sister-in-law and her very strong conviction that owning a business is the only way to financial security, the perfect home-life balance and wealth.

The amazing thing about magazines are the many topics covered within just a few pages. I feel like a travel agent after flipping through Budget Travel, a health & wellness professional after reading Self and a financial consultant after finishing Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

I really do love magazines.

Perspective - Monday, July 7, 2008

Demian is going to PennState Hazleton tomorrow for his first visit. He has some errands to run - computer log-in and ID, the search for part-time job prospects, checking out the dorm room and in general, getting to know his new home.

I am excited for him and a little anxious. I know that the transition from life as a hevito in DR to a hard-working, broke college student will be difficult for him. And I hope his first impressions of Hazelton are good ones, I hope he can see himself there and see himself happy there.

Unfortunately my mother has insisted on going with him. Something about proving to him that her blindness doesn't disqualify her from the visit, etc., etc. The thing about my mom is that each and every situation, no matter what it is, is about her. So Demian's desire to go without her is not about him needing to discover this new place on his own, or about him learning to navigate the campus and speak to the different offices without a pushy mom in the background. It's about her blindness, and Demian's suppossed need for therapy to accept her blindness.

When she first got sick, it was difficult for me to do what I needed to do for her. She and I barely spoke - my feelings of resentment and the low self-esteem that I suffered as a result of always being a terrible daughter clouded any feeling of affection I could have had towards her. But I sucked it up - I did my best to be there for her and take care of her. I made sure to call her every day and visit as often as possible. And as time passed, I just accepted that mom was all about mom and I had to get over it.

But recently, my ability to overlook this fundamental flaw in her has been more and more difficult to come by. I recently got married and am thinking of starting a family with my husband. The depression I sometimes suffer through is no longer just my problem - it is something that affects my husband, something that he has to deal with and work through. And I worry about being the kind of parent my mother was - I worry that I will be too caught up in myself and my own struggles to provide the sort of support my kids need, I worry that I will make my children feel guilty and responsible for any problems I might have, as my mom did.

Today's happy moment was that after a short but heated conversation with mom, and the residual passing and ranting and fears that always come after such conversations, Mike assured me that I would be a wonderful mother.


And now my mom is crossing something of a line. She's doing everything in her power to maintain a tight grip on Demian. On Saturday she gave me a dissertation on what a terrible person he is and how he left the states as Demian and has come back as a little version of Amos (my father). She's doing it all over again. She always hated, resented the feelings I had for my father and she held it against me, threw it in my face, every chance she got. I was being a disloyal and disobediant daughter to her merely in existing. And now Demian is too.

It breaks my heart to watch her do that to him and enrages me all at once. It offends the feeling of protection I have for him. Didn't I go through all of that krap so he wouldn't have to? ...and my unending desire for my mom to just let the past go and be happy. But she is stuck in her ways, and maybe it's her guilt trips and bagdering that help her get through the day, help her feel in control.

Mike helps put all of these feelings in perspective though. I can't change her, only do my best to advise. I can't be in New Jersey to moderate, only call Demian and support him, remind him that his time there will not last forever. And I'm no good to either of them if I spend my time driving myself crazy about what I can't do.

BBQ - 4th of July Weekend

We had our first BBQ this weekend. I really was exhausted - emotionally and physically. I still hadn't quite recovered from my previous weekend's travels and honestly, was not in the right mood to have a house full of people.

But I think despite that, everyone had a good time and the food was good (always the case at the Fuller II house). And this time, I barely did any cooking. I made a GIANT (yes, GIANT) bowl of potato salad (that we're still eating from) and mixed some sangria blanca (we're addicted) and everything else was done by Mike and
family. I can't event explain the relief - I had no energy for slaving away in the kitchen.

But enough about my lack of energy (about which I could probably blog each and every day) and onto the weekend's happy moment.

I shouldn't really say "we" had our first BBQ. Unlike past events at Casa Fuller, this was definitely Mike's BBQ. Leading up to the event, he bought a BBQ (thank you State of Florida employees for the Home Depot gift certificate!) and anxiously ran through the grocery store overpurchasing meat, bread, condiments and desserts. He absolutely wanted to ensure that we had enough of everything.

Then, the first lighting of the grill....playing with the coals, waiting for them, until they are perfect.....camping chairs set-up outside....a beer....and finally - the meat is put on the grill!

Three courses later (sausages and hot dogs, then burgers, grand finale - chicken!) the BBQ is a resounding success. Nothing is burned, bellies are full and my husband has proven himself an adept BBQer! He was quietly proud, pleased and impressed with himself. It was too cute - like a right of passage for him I think. Something close to my fried-chicken experience.