Perspective - Monday, July 7, 2008

Demian is going to PennState Hazleton tomorrow for his first visit. He has some errands to run - computer log-in and ID, the search for part-time job prospects, checking out the dorm room and in general, getting to know his new home.

I am excited for him and a little anxious. I know that the transition from life as a hevito in DR to a hard-working, broke college student will be difficult for him. And I hope his first impressions of Hazelton are good ones, I hope he can see himself there and see himself happy there.

Unfortunately my mother has insisted on going with him. Something about proving to him that her blindness doesn't disqualify her from the visit, etc., etc. The thing about my mom is that each and every situation, no matter what it is, is about her. So Demian's desire to go without her is not about him needing to discover this new place on his own, or about him learning to navigate the campus and speak to the different offices without a pushy mom in the background. It's about her blindness, and Demian's suppossed need for therapy to accept her blindness.

When she first got sick, it was difficult for me to do what I needed to do for her. She and I barely spoke - my feelings of resentment and the low self-esteem that I suffered as a result of always being a terrible daughter clouded any feeling of affection I could have had towards her. But I sucked it up - I did my best to be there for her and take care of her. I made sure to call her every day and visit as often as possible. And as time passed, I just accepted that mom was all about mom and I had to get over it.

But recently, my ability to overlook this fundamental flaw in her has been more and more difficult to come by. I recently got married and am thinking of starting a family with my husband. The depression I sometimes suffer through is no longer just my problem - it is something that affects my husband, something that he has to deal with and work through. And I worry about being the kind of parent my mother was - I worry that I will be too caught up in myself and my own struggles to provide the sort of support my kids need, I worry that I will make my children feel guilty and responsible for any problems I might have, as my mom did.

Today's happy moment was that after a short but heated conversation with mom, and the residual passing and ranting and fears that always come after such conversations, Mike assured me that I would be a wonderful mother.


And now my mom is crossing something of a line. She's doing everything in her power to maintain a tight grip on Demian. On Saturday she gave me a dissertation on what a terrible person he is and how he left the states as Demian and has come back as a little version of Amos (my father). She's doing it all over again. She always hated, resented the feelings I had for my father and she held it against me, threw it in my face, every chance she got. I was being a disloyal and disobediant daughter to her merely in existing. And now Demian is too.

It breaks my heart to watch her do that to him and enrages me all at once. It offends the feeling of protection I have for him. Didn't I go through all of that krap so he wouldn't have to? ...and my unending desire for my mom to just let the past go and be happy. But she is stuck in her ways, and maybe it's her guilt trips and bagdering that help her get through the day, help her feel in control.

Mike helps put all of these feelings in perspective though. I can't change her, only do my best to advise. I can't be in New Jersey to moderate, only call Demian and support him, remind him that his time there will not last forever. And I'm no good to either of them if I spend my time driving myself crazy about what I can't do.