Myki Goes to Kindergarten

Alexandria City Public Schools has this wonderful program called K Prep.  It is a week of half days for all of the incoming Kindergarteners to practice taking the bus, acclimate to this new big boy/girl environment and for the teachers to get an idea of what they'll be working with on the First Day of School, September 2nd.

I expected tears (on both ends) and anxiety (on my end) about him stepping up to this next phase of life - real school.  But there was none of that.  Mostly, I felt relief that I had successfully navigated these critical 0-5 years; I felt tremendous pride at this big beautiful boy who excitedly hopped on to the school bus with confidence, who waived me off on that first day and asked the teacher questions from that first moment in the classroom; and I felt incredibly close to my husband, Michael's father, for standing next to me (sometimes ahead of me) in the journey that got us here.

As I reflect on the last week and prepare myself for the real deal in two weeks, I think of all the things I want Michael to know as he begins his formal education:

• You you can do this.  You are smart, kind and funny...so interesting and interested in everything.
• Not everyone will like you, and that is ok. You will find some very special friends in the next twelve years and a handful of very close friends will always outweigh a crowd of cool kids.
• No matter what anyone says, being smart is cool.  Don't ever be afraid to participate in class, raise your hand when you know the answer and ask questions when you need help. 
• If something is really hard, it just means you need to keep working at it.  Everything won't come naturally.  But accomplishing something after a struggle is often much more satisfying than accomplishment without effort.  Don't give up, keep pushing and you will figure it out.
• Daddy and I are here to help you.  Just ask us. 
• Daddy and I are proud of you, no matter what.

Here's to a fabulous school year for you all!

Love

I was being a grumpy pants tonight; just wound tight, high-strung and obsessing over all I need to do tonight and into an early business flight tomorrow.  I snapped at Myki and his Dad and then doubled back with apologetic hugs.

"I just love you Myki, I'm sorry I was impatient."

"It's ok Mami, you just made bad choices."

Giggles, "Its true, I just love you Myki."

"There is no time I don't love you Mami."

Yes, that conversation occurred.  So blessed with this intuitive child and his very understanding father who doesn't bat an eye at my crazies.

Also, look how cute they are!

Rediscovering YouTube

One of the most beautiful blessings of parenthood is the privilege of rediscovering things through the eyes of your child.  I have layed on my back 100 times on the beach or at a park and looked into the sky, the brilliant sun, trees and birds calming my nerves or giving me the mental space to ponder.  But the first time I layed a three-month old Myki on a blanket and he was totally mesmerized by the canopy of trees above him, well that dwarfed any good feeling the sky had ever given me.  It was amazing - his searching eyes and the expression of pure wonder that only young children have.

This week Myki's latest discovery, my latest rediscovery, was YouTube.  Now, I know that this seems silly when compared to the beautiful scene I just described.  But, this YouTube thing has actually been pretty awesome and significant.  I've written before about how much easier it was for me to mother an infant than a willfull (wonder where he got that from?) and exceptionally large toddler.  I work really hardat  finding ways to connect to bridge that gap, build a bridge between us.  Most recently, he is not a toddler, but a full grown child...a real boy!  I have always tried to speak to him like an adult, no baby talk, and he has always had a lot of words in his mouth as my mother-in-law likes to say.  

He tells me stories, recounts the plots to his favorite movies and TV shows and asks many a question I don't know the answer to.  He also has quite a lot of energy and my husband I work hard to direct that energy towards positive things.  We got him a piano for Christmas - a musical outlet.  And he has costumes, Legos, workbooks and science kits.  Much of the time though, utilizing these things becomes a barter for TV - do this activity and you can watch one show.  

So YouTube has become our constructive screen time outlet to discovering new music and eclectic dancing.  Myki loves the Beyoncé tap dance medley, beatboxing Chello player, "Cups" rendition by four YouTube channel holding artists I've never heard of, and the Alex Boye versions of "Let it Go," and "Royals." And don't get me started on all the Celebrity Sesame Street songs!  We had a dance party two nights in a row to those!  

As a 29 year old, I've had a computer my whole life - from dos and Pac-Man on floppy disk to what we use today. As such, there is much about the internet and our current access that I take for granted and other things I shy away from despite my technical savvy.  Thanks to Myki, I now know YouTube is amazing and full of things to discover.  I've subscribed to a dozen channels and am even finding things for myself - there is so much talent out there.  Old dog, new tricks.

What is your favorite YouTube video? Anything your kids particularly love? Do tell so Myki and I can watch it, and hopefully dance to it'd sing along!

The Value of Perspective

The value of perspective cannot be overstated.  Most situations are far from crisis if you can make some mental space for perspective.  That's not to say that true crisis and challenge doesn't exist, but for every problem there is a solution and time heals many wounds.  In this case, time results in vast progress.

I have been rather obsessed with my family's finances the past four and half years.  After having my son, it just wasn't acceptable to be worrying about gas and grocories, but we were.  And despite our income more than doubling since he was born in 2009, I still spend a good portion of my mental energy worrying about money - student loans, college funds, vacation funds, car payments, taxes, daycare, medical, visiting extended family, work clothes, school clothes - this is what happens in my brain each time I take out my wallet.  

Today, we are planning to go to a birthday party about 90 minutes away.  As we discussed what time we should leave my husband paused.  "Do you remember when we didn't accept invitations because we couldn't afford the gas?" "Yes," I said, "and even when we had gas, we wouldn't go because we couldn't afford the birthday child's present."  

BAM!  Huge dose of perspective!  We have come so far.  

Today's life lesson - celebrate progress (and the fabulous husband who teaches you said lesson)!

Insights from a Business Traveler

I'm going to be totally honest here.  I am pretty detail-oriented when it comes to my work but for most other things, I'm firm on the big picture and kind of flying by the seat of my pants for the details.  One example of this - travel.  I used to think I was good at traveling.  Turns out, doing something a whole bunch does not necessarily make you good at it.  Or perhaps I just haven't completed the requisite 10,000 hours Malcolm Gladwell's research shows is needed to really be an expert at anything.  And being rather out of practice definitely makes you worse.  Consequently, I have learned quite a bit in the last six months of bimonthly business travel - particularly that there is some value in the details!

My 5 Travel Lessons Learned (or at least, Business Travel lessons learned)

1. The luggage you think you need is probably not really what you need.  

Case in point, the very snazzy Samsonite carry-on size garment bag I insisted upon.  Turns out it doesn't accommodate all of books and brochures I often have with me on work trips.  It is also too wide for the airplane aisle and because it has two wheels vs four, it can be a rather heavy strain on my wrist when it's full.  My Vera Bradley weekender is also beautiful, but when full, it weights more than my four year old, which unfortunately, is the maximum capacity I am able to carry.  

What I really need is a standard carry-on spinner and a rolling laptop case that fits snuggle on top.  After $200 in luggage purchase, now I know.

2. Just because your company always covers a car rental, doesn't mean you always need one.

The parking in some cities is absolutely ludicrous. Navigating a new city is often a waste of time. And most major cities and the downtown areas where business meetings might be are full of taxis.  I often fear not having a car will limit me in some ways but, it doesn't always make a whole bunch of sense.

3. Packing your workout clothes does not mean you will definitely work out.

I often make excuses for why I can't work out or eat well for that matter.  Who can make time for that with drop off and pick up and a family to cook and care for?  My meetings never exceed past a business day, leaving time for working out and finding a healthy dinner.  And yet, I don't always do that.  I have learned that I need to do more than just pack my workout clothes.  I need to schedule working out just as I would schedule a meeting and I need to do some advanced planning around good food options that are also good for me.

4. You can very easily be somewhere for work and not get to have any fun.

Even when I build in some leisure time, I often piddle it away answering emails from my room.  I have been to ten cities in the last six months and can't say I've seen very much.  But I've had some intentional moments in a great local restaurant or in front of a postcard-worthy view.  Some advanced planning in this regard goes a long way - is there a free hotel shuttle to a landmark or a particular type of local fare that just can't be missed? How far is all of that from the hotel or the last meeting of the day?  I had the best breakfast of my life in Denver and the best hotel view I could imagine in San Diego when I put a bit more thought into where I was actually going.

5. Interesting people are everywhere!

This one isn't about planning or details, just a surprise I've experienced.  I don't talk to strangers.  I barely smile at people in public and do my best not to make eye contact.  But I've sat next to some chatty Kathies in my travels, stood on-line with people who aren't obsessed with their smartphones and gotten some great tips and guidance when asking for help.  While small talk is still not my favorite pastime, there is some value to hearing people's stories and sharing a bit of your own as you go.

Happy Travels everyone!

Anatomy of a Freak Out

Do you ever just freak out? I have something like a bimonthly panic attack around my life and responsibilities.  I have just overcome one such moment and was lying in bed thinking about how I have made this better over the years.

It usually begins with a to do list.  Not your standard list of picking up the dry cleaning and the groceries, but the more serious stuff.  Do your taxes, make an appointment for all that dental work you and your spouse need, figure out how much is in the HSA to pay for it and make sure Myki's name is in the lottery for exceptional kindergarten programs next year.  That critical to do list carries over a few weeks without totally getting done. And as I pull together the energy to make a plan and tick things off the list, complications arise.  Turns out we won't be getting a refund this year but actually owe some money.  The dental work needs to be broken down into five appointments - and yes, each one will hurt.  You need to show up at the school board offices to get in the lottery but dentist appointments and business travel get in the way.  And work - business trips, meetings, deadlines and goals each bring a drop of added pressure.  My overachieving nature multiplies each drop by 50 and I am crumbling under the resulting deluge of partially self-imposed, partially real requirements.  

With this heightened anxiety, I snap at my husband who snaps right back.  I lose patience with my son, who sticks out his upper lip in protest followed by huge crocodile tears.  I stew in my guilt and retreat to the shower.  I take this opportunity to talk myself down and build a plan...a new list.

Slowly, I emerge from the panic and return to action, ticking things off the list again.  This cycle of panic and overwhelmedness is not new to me. In thinking it through though, it has gotten profoundly better.  There are hot showers and aromatherapy baths to retreat too, family board games and movie nights to reconnect with and professional accomplishments to celebrate.  Losing sight of any of this is what causes the panic.

It's better now.  I can do this and more.  The knowledge that I have been trusted to raise this boy, care for this man, and do this work and the reality that I have to date, been successful at all three is medicine enough.  This sense of self is the key to battling the beast of panic that persistently knocks at my door.

Professional Happiness

I have read quite a few LinkedIn articles focused on finding your professional happiness.  "Do what you love!" is almost always included in the articles.  Do what you love and the rest will follow.  I take exception to this guidance.  I don't think everyone can realistically do what they love.  I love to write in this blog, I love to cook, watch TV and movies and shop.  I can't really get paid to do all of those things. 

I think my generation was raised with this mentality that doing what you love, and what matters to you is paramount.  My personal journey and that of many of my friends has been incredibly different.  I currently do something that I love, but five years ago, I would not have been able to tell you this was a job I wanted, or a job I even knew existed quite frankly.

For me, the sweet spot to professional happiness lies in what you are good at.  What are the skills you bring to the table, the things you consistently do better than anyone around you?  For me, professional happiness and professional success are nearly synonymous.  When I am doing well at work, I am happy.  It means that my skills are of value, my ideas are being implemented and I am looked at as a high-performer.  These things translate into what I love.  For example, I am an excellent communicator. I can write, teach, facilitate and verbally construct ideas that make sense for whatever work I am doing.    

Don't get me wrong; I absolutely think professional happiness is important.  But I think, like any goal worth achieving, there is a strategy to even figuring out what you love and perhaps more articles should be written about that.  Think very carefully about what you are good at, what you default too at work and what people notice.  Figure out ways to do more of that. Find a new job that lets you do more of that.   

When I really stop to think about what got me to professional happiness, it was never doing what I loved.  It was always, having the self-awareness to recognize my strengths and working to put myself in situations where those strengths were evident.  

Perhaps what doesn't sit well with me, what is really wong with all of these articles is the perscriptive nature of their guidance.  "Do what you love!" sounds rather easy but really, professional happiness takes quite a bit of effort to get to.  Perhaps the largest lesson I've learned is to do the work.  Professional happiness may not just come, but you can absolutely build it.

Do I Need to Own a Home?

I am a planner.  Perhaps not a daily planner or a planner of events (in life at least), but a long-term planner.  I often struggle with enjoying the moment because after each accomplishment, I look ahead at accomplishing the next thing.  My singular focus has been professional until recently.  I am currently elated with where I am professionally and hope to be in this position for many years to come.  

And so, naturally, I have started to look ahead at the next accomplishment to be achieved.  Somewhere in the future is a sibling for Myki, someone real so he doesn't need to make-up siblings who live in Asia (yes, this is a real story, made so convincing by my son that his teachers have actually asked me about his siblings).  But more immediately, I've been rolling this idea of home ownership around in my head.  Should we embark on purchasing a home?  It would make the whole sibling discussion much more possible as we currently don't have the space for a family addition, and both my husband and I work from home - another argument for additional space.

I have never been incredibly connected to place though.  Whereas my husband had spent his whole life in Florida until recently, I had lived in six states in my first 23 years.  For a long time, while living in Florida, I had convinced myself that I absolutely needed to live in the DC metro area.  But moving here last year taught me that I didn't need to live here so much as I needed to work at building and maintaining relationships wherever I am.  Feeling isolated is really something I am in control of.  

This leads me back to the home discussion.  If I'm no longer emotionally connected to a particular place and my husband and I both have jobs that allow us to live almost anywhere, should we purchase a home that will keep us in place for at least the next 10 years?  

There are other factors to consider.  Stability is important.  While I may not be connected to place, I think it is important that Myki is, that he has childhood friends who he goes to school with over the years and some kind of consisten extracurriculars like a piano instructor or karate studio.

Owning something, having a positive net worth, is also important.  As a first generation American, I think it is important that I build some volume of wealth, something that can be inherited, borrowed against if need be, sold for a profit.  And paying rent each month is not necessarily a good use of money, especially in an area where renting the square footage we need could easily cost more than a mortgage.  On the other hand, there are so many people under water on their homes, unable to sell homes they can't afford or homes in areas where they don't have professional possibilities.  I definitely don't want to go down that road.

Unfortunately, outlining the pros and cons doesn't get me to a clear answer.  I think the real deal is that it is emotionally important to me that I own a home, purchase a home with my husband for our family to grow and build memories, have sufficient accommodations for family members and friends who want to visit or need a place to stay.  But should such a large financial commitment be made based on my emotional desire for a home?

Looking for some thoughts here - is home ownership important?  Please comment!

Wellness

I always feel fabulous the first few days of a diet.  My body automatically takes to the lowered calories and it's like I instantly lose 15 pounds. My clothes fit better, I look like someone I recognize in the mirror and generally, my energy is pretty high.  It's usually day four or five when I begin to fall off.  It's amazing, or pathetic, how quickly it happens.  And usually, it's just after that first dietary blunder that I go back to feeling like I'm bursting at the seams.  

I have always struggled with my weight - at least in my mind.  I saw a Facebook meme recently that said, "I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat." I have often lamented my college fat levels - they were nonexistent - I was super fly with bumps and lumps in all the right places.  But I really have struggled with it in the last five years.  I somehow crept up over 200 lbs and have maintained that weight.  By struggle, I mean only mentally.  People say they struggle with weight but that's not really an accurate description of what happens - I willfully ignore my weight until I need to get dressed for something important and realize everything is too tight, or I go shopping and pick up a rack of size 14s to try on, only to find I can't get the pants past my thighs or the shirt over my head and I need to go to the plus size section off the store, head lowered in shame.

This is something I would really like to work on.  I have a lot of baggage about the importance of being a healthy mother.  My mother accomplished incredible things professionally but she did so at the expense of her health and always said she did it for her kids, she worked so hard for us.  I was really angry at that statement for a long time - the long-term benefit for us, her children, would have been just a bit more time together, and the peace of mind that comes with having a healthy mother.  At 52, she was knocking on deaths door.  Thankfully she is doing well now, but not without significant health challenges.  As angry as I was at her logic, I have absolutely adopted it as my own.  I will not hesitate to say that I work so hard for my son, to give him experiences and educational opportunities and yes, things. 

But I do this at the expense of my time with him and the energy necessary to take really good care of myself.  

That was a difficult statement to write.  I put work first, almost without exception.  My colleagues and managers would tell you I am one of the hardest working people they know. My husband would say the same.  My son would tell you I work quite a bit and that I am always at work. There are moments when I feel balanced but in the back of my mind, there is the nagging sense that for every accomplished task or mastered arena, there are two things falling through the cracks.  

I've read and written quite a bit about balance in the last few years and have really been obsessed with the idea that I could achieve balance.  I have made incredible strides in that direction and as I go, my definition of balance is changing.  I no longer think it is possible to always feel in balance.  Instead, I think I need to pick the two or three things I will be focusing on and be ok with the fact that the other things will just be maintained in the meantime.  Right now, the three priorities are acclimating to this new job, spending some daily tech and tv free time with Myki and wellness - not weight loss, or exercise per se, but really wellness and ensuring I make it past the four day diet mark this time and maintain this slim and trim feeling.

Traveling

In my current position, I travel quite a bit. When I was hired, I thought that the travel would do me good.  It's an opportunity to spend a periodic night in a hotel, see more of America and spend some quality time with myself.  I am usually rather anxious when left alone with my thoughts - there is always that sense that I should be doing something, catching up on something or with someone. Consequently, my "me" time rarely serves it's purpose.  I usually try to multitask it with something on my to do list, or go deep into panic mode on all that there is too do and why I'm too tired to do any of it.  It just drives me crazy.  

Five business trips in, I am proud to report that the travel is doing me quite a bit of good.  I used to be a great traveler because I did it so much. I packed well, my timing was right and I've never been intimidated by a new place.  During these five trips, it has become painfully clear how out of practice I am.  I forget to pack some things and overpack in other areas.  I'm late or early or just kind of worried about the logistics.  

Surprisingly, these challenges have helped me remember how much I love to travel and how important it is to me that my family and I travel together.  My son is Dominican and black with grandparents from the Dominican Republic, the Deep South and the US Virgin Islands. My husband and I, his parents, grew up in completely different households and are raising him in a home that is very different from either of those.  I want him to not only be comfortable with his mix of roots and cultures, but experience different places and people that will contribute to his worldview.  I believe that the number one thing I can give him as his mother are the experiences and perspective to feel comfortable in his own skin anywhere and in any situation.  Confidence, resilience, flexibility and the humility to appreciate what you have - I think travel can give this to him.

I traveled quite a bit with my family and those memories are my best - long talks with my Dad, dares and adventures with my brother, the joy of seeing something new with people you love and learning things about them that you never would have learned at home.  My current travels are far from exotic - Salt Lake City, St. Louis, Detroit, Oklahoma City, Seattle and Denver - but they are places I've never been before and places I want to see more of.  Most of my prior travels have been international or up and down the East Coast.  There is quite a bit more to this country of ours than I have ever seen, and I am beginning to appreciate that.

I think that has been the largest takeaway for me, the realization that travel doesn't need to be an elaborate international adventure.  It can be an hour's flight away to the Midwest, an 8 hour road trip to the South or a day trip to explore a new corner of the state we live in.

I will keep you posted on where this new definition of adventure takes us and if my husband and son love it as much as I do!