Anatomy of a Freak Out

Do you ever just freak out? I have something like a bimonthly panic attack around my life and responsibilities.  I have just overcome one such moment and was lying in bed thinking about how I have made this better over the years.

It usually begins with a to do list.  Not your standard list of picking up the dry cleaning and the groceries, but the more serious stuff.  Do your taxes, make an appointment for all that dental work you and your spouse need, figure out how much is in the HSA to pay for it and make sure Myki's name is in the lottery for exceptional kindergarten programs next year.  That critical to do list carries over a few weeks without totally getting done. And as I pull together the energy to make a plan and tick things off the list, complications arise.  Turns out we won't be getting a refund this year but actually owe some money.  The dental work needs to be broken down into five appointments - and yes, each one will hurt.  You need to show up at the school board offices to get in the lottery but dentist appointments and business travel get in the way.  And work - business trips, meetings, deadlines and goals each bring a drop of added pressure.  My overachieving nature multiplies each drop by 50 and I am crumbling under the resulting deluge of partially self-imposed, partially real requirements.  

With this heightened anxiety, I snap at my husband who snaps right back.  I lose patience with my son, who sticks out his upper lip in protest followed by huge crocodile tears.  I stew in my guilt and retreat to the shower.  I take this opportunity to talk myself down and build a plan...a new list.

Slowly, I emerge from the panic and return to action, ticking things off the list again.  This cycle of panic and overwhelmedness is not new to me. In thinking it through though, it has gotten profoundly better.  There are hot showers and aromatherapy baths to retreat too, family board games and movie nights to reconnect with and professional accomplishments to celebrate.  Losing sight of any of this is what causes the panic.

It's better now.  I can do this and more.  The knowledge that I have been trusted to raise this boy, care for this man, and do this work and the reality that I have to date, been successful at all three is medicine enough.  This sense of self is the key to battling the beast of panic that persistently knocks at my door.