Why Soul Searching?

The original premise of this blog was to search in my soul for the happy person, the person who saw the world through rose-colored glasses, saw the silver lining before the cloud and recognized that the glass is always half full. I know that she's in here somewhere. I absolutely get glimpses of her, but the positivity setting is just not my default. I hold people and things to a close to impossible standard, myself included. I am super sensitive deep down, below the initial "say whatever I want," and very easily hurt and I struggle with self doubt and insecurity and then beat myself up for struggling with self doubt and insecurity. I'm also a big dramatic (my husband would scoff at "a bit" but I think he's biased and as my husband, privy to the worst if it.)

In the opening to Beyonce's HBO documentary, she describes her ambition and the drive that led to her success. She explained that at some point, she had to change that; she had to figure out what she wanted to do and work towards that, but that living in a state of always being dissatisfied wasn't a happy state to be in. She didn't want to be someone who was always going after more. I'm restating her comments in my own words of course, how I heard them and how I applied them to my conundrum and ongoing struggle for satisfaction and positivity. Her words are so relevant to me. My husband has told me that he worries that I will never be truly happy, because after each goal is accomplished, a new and more daunting one is put in its place. There is truth to this and I am trying to find that happy balance between blind ambition and content.

Because the purpose of my blog is positivity, finding and communicating my positivity, I try not to vent. I don't want this to turn into a manifestation of what I like to call my "worst case scenario anxiety panic." I get into these worry spirals where one negative thing will trigger a domino affect in my brain that ends in a panic-ridden "what am I doing my life?" I don't want this to be a space where my irrational worries can grow and fester. So when that's all that's happening, I post a silly Myki sorry or pose a question to my audience or I skip blogging for the day or week.

I'm in one of those places this week. My family suffered a tragic event so I'm in a general melancholy mood, working through my sadness, the trauma of loss, fear of mortality and all that comes with unexpected death. I am also at a professional crossroads, which can be stressful. What is next for me? How big a professional risk am I willing to take to reach the next level? What does the next level even look like for me? I sometimes feel I am neglecting my family - not in terms of physically being there, but really being present with both my husband and son. My financials are not what I'd like them to be and my social life is....limited.

Ok, I did it, I vented.

Thankfully, I'm not quite to the point of the worst case scenario anxiety panic, just a general sense of worry and foreboding. Since Friday night, I've been brooding over these worries and sadness. I was surprised that I did find some positivity in it all. I thought, I have my blog, it will force me to find something positive to say and the catharsis of writing about something good will make me feel good.

So I suppose this post is really a celebration of Soul Searching. When I look back at my initial posts, there's an obvious progression, from personal journal writing to my son's fan page to its current state as a blog dedicated to an audience and hopefully inciting thought and discussion. And when I consider my life today, Soul Searching has worked! Amidst a week of grief and angst, I found a silver lining. The glass is half full because I have you to speak to. (And because I've got this cutie to love and celebrate!)