Honing My Craft

I recently completed a two-day legal writing course for work.  Day one was an essentials of writing or writing basics.  Key takeaways were the importance of brevity, plain English (you're trying to communicate ideas, not out-write anyone) and "fuzzy writing is caused by fuzzy thinking" or, if you don't know what you are trying to say, it won't make any sense.  The course was full of quotes from writers, my favorite being, "books are not written, they are rewritten."  

I have high hopes for this blog and my writing career.  And I am sometimes overwhelmed by the energy and effort that I know is required to make those hopes a reality.

But on a few things, I am clear:

1. I am a talented writer.

2. I am becoming a talented self-editor.

3. I have relevant thoughts to share.

4. I have an audience.

In the introduction to her book, "Lean In," Sheryl Sandberg says that part of leaning in is doing something you are afraid to do.  Calling myself a writer is scary because I know that being a real writer is much more than occasional posts on a personal blog.  But I am a writer and will fill out the title as I go.  This legal writing class solidified that for me - I am a writer.  It's wonderful when two parts of your world can overlap. In this case a work commitment has helped me define myself.

What are you afraid of?  What would it take for you to try it?

Parenting Wheelhouse

I think every parent has their parenting wheelhouse, the part of being a parent that just comes naturally to them.  My Mami wheelhouse is 0-24 months.  I am just phenomenal with infants.  I had no problem taking a step back from everything and focusing solely on mothering a newborn, infant and mini-toddler.  Of course, if I look back at my blog posts, I was hard on myself.  And sure, my personal hygiene decreased initially - how do you find time to shower with a nursing two week old?   But with my 20/20 hindsight, I can absolutely say that I was an awesome new mom.  I was committed to nursing and my body cooperated (hello for gallons of milk!).  I was really laid back about Myki's schedule (no stress); he slept when he was sleepy, ate when he was hungry, snuggled when he was fussy, played when he was feeling playful.  He never fussed at being dressed or bathed, it was awesome. And we had great activities daily...activities were so easy then.  Tummy time, a blanket outside, nature walks once he could walk.  Myki loved picking up everything and was surprisingly good at not eating it.  Myki was walking by nine months and saying real words.  Mike and I were both early walkers and talkers, but I like to think my mothering had something to do with it also.

Daddy on the other hand, seems to be in his wheelhouse right now, on the eve of Myki's fourth birthday.  He is so good at teaching and empowering Myki's independence whereas I still want to baby him and do things for him.  Daddy has taught Myki all kinds of cool tricks so he can dress himself and he really utilizes Myki as a helper so that he is learning to set the table and clean up.  These are all critical skills and its amazing to watch the two of them in action.  They have such an easy flow about them, whereas I feel like the last year or two has been really challenging.  While Myki comes to me for comfort, Daddy is the one he goes to for help and he listens to Daddy.  I have no authority as far as Myki's concerned and discipline is difficult for me.

Our thing right now is reading.  We do read stories together daily and I've been getting longer and longer books to read (even some chapters!).  I'm prepping him for Harry Potter (yep, I've read them all).  I'm hoping by the time he's five he'll have the patience, comprehension and attention span for Book 1.    I'm transitioning from the lament of a lost era to finding my wheelhouse within the little kid stage.

Does this transition happen at every stage?  And will I find another stage as comfortable as that 0-24 months was?  I"m unsure, but at least momentarily, we have books!

Grown Up Plans

If I'm being really honest, I'd like to be an entrepreneur.  My husband and in-laws have been telling me that from the beginning and friends have suggested it.  During a bought of unemployment in 2010, I even began to build the pieces of Fuller Fundraising (yes, I can do better with the name), a consulting company focused on strategic communications, events and development efforts for non-profit organizations.  Ultimately, the risk and a job offer stopped me from seeing that idea through.   And really, the initial set-up and research was a bit off-putting (read as: terrifying).  Building a business is not an easy process and the steps from idea to reality leave a lot of room for self-doubt.  Can I really do this? How long will it take to make a profit?  Will it be enough profit? How much do I need to spend to make a profit? Can I really afford to spend anything on this?  I know I have great ideas and am skilled at what I do, but will other people buy what I'm selling?  Can I even sell?  It was an incredible self-dialogue of worry.

But in the last six months or so, I have really taken to the idea of entrepreneurship.  Both of my parents were entrepreneurs at various points in their careers and at varying degrees of success.  I have seen them both have that faith in themselves and take a risk, invest in all that they are capable of.  Glenn Llopis, a media personality and frequent speaker on diversity management, would attribute my parents entrepreneurial spirit and my recent peeked interest to the "Immigrant Advantage."   There might be something to that idea.  Entrepreneurship is the key to success in most third world countries, including the Dominican Republic where my parents are from.  And as a first generation American, perhaps I've inherited some of that.  I like the idea of a direct connection between my hard work and my bottom line (i.e. my bank account).  I am desperate for some flexibility; WAHM status would provide that.  And having a boss is not necessarily the easiest thing in the world (although I am, of course, an incredible employee ;-).

I think I am a woman of many talents, the largest of which are an incredibly high work ethic and efficiency level.  My husband is always amazed at how hard I work for other people.  His logic is sound; why work so hard for other people when you can work for yourself and really see the rewards of your work?  I currently work in the diversity arena, developing and conducting lots of training and working on issues of workforce and organizational development.  I also write in this blog and more and more, avidly follow other blogs.  I think there's something to those skills and all of my past strategic communications and marketing experience.

The beginning of the month is often a time for goal-setting.  During the month of May, I commit to explore the idea of entrepreneurship further; specifically, what would it look like for me?  Would I be a writer? Can I write in this blog daily? Can I get published or quoted in another blog?  Can I apply my skills on Elance, even just once?  Would I conduct training? and/or special events?  I'm going to think that through.   

Have you ever considered being an entrepreneur?  If you are an entrepreneur, what was the toughest part?

Nature vs. Nurture

One of the most amazing things about parenthood is seeing your own characteristics and that of your child's father (usually good!) in your child(ren). My extended family recently suffered a tragic death, a life ended entirely too soon. He is survived by many loved ones including his wife and toddler son. It is unlikely the baby will remember his father, but more than likely, he will share characteristics with him more than just his appearance.

It's amazing how similar our children can end up being to us, even if we're not around. It begs the question, which is stronger: nature or nurture? There is strong research that proves both nature and nurture can play a significant role in the final product. Research is tricky though because researchers always seem to be able to create the experiment and circumstance that will prove their thesis. Hence all of the conflicting research I think.  I digress...

There are some wonderful things about me that Myki absolutely has.  And some other things that I wouldn't go so far as to say I would change, but that make my role as Mother challenging and might add some turbulence to Myki's life.  He is determined - a desirable trait when you consider all of the adversity he may face as a brown boy and all of the hopes his parents have for his future - also a challenge when manifested into obstinate stubbornness.  Myki is also really sharp - he understands things so quickly.  While I like to think he got that from me, I'm also convinced he's already got me figured out and hustles me on a regular basis.  Like me, Myki has an outward confidence that can border on arrogance, but he is ludicrously sensitive...God help me if I yell at him; there will be tears.

                                             Did the characteristic transference begin then?


There are also things he gets from his father.  They are silly, so silly, but shy - only in their comfort zone will you see the extent of the sillies.  They're performers at the heart of it all; really love discussion and are super affectionate.

What do you think is most prevalent in determining childrens' characteristics; nature or nurture?
Is there anything your child does that absolutely comes from you?

Why Soul Searching?

The original premise of this blog was to search in my soul for the happy person, the person who saw the world through rose-colored glasses, saw the silver lining before the cloud and recognized that the glass is always half full. I know that she's in here somewhere. I absolutely get glimpses of her, but the positivity setting is just not my default. I hold people and things to a close to impossible standard, myself included. I am super sensitive deep down, below the initial "say whatever I want," and very easily hurt and I struggle with self doubt and insecurity and then beat myself up for struggling with self doubt and insecurity. I'm also a big dramatic (my husband would scoff at "a bit" but I think he's biased and as my husband, privy to the worst if it.)

In the opening to Beyonce's HBO documentary, she describes her ambition and the drive that led to her success. She explained that at some point, she had to change that; she had to figure out what she wanted to do and work towards that, but that living in a state of always being dissatisfied wasn't a happy state to be in. She didn't want to be someone who was always going after more. I'm restating her comments in my own words of course, how I heard them and how I applied them to my conundrum and ongoing struggle for satisfaction and positivity. Her words are so relevant to me. My husband has told me that he worries that I will never be truly happy, because after each goal is accomplished, a new and more daunting one is put in its place. There is truth to this and I am trying to find that happy balance between blind ambition and content.

Because the purpose of my blog is positivity, finding and communicating my positivity, I try not to vent. I don't want this to turn into a manifestation of what I like to call my "worst case scenario anxiety panic." I get into these worry spirals where one negative thing will trigger a domino affect in my brain that ends in a panic-ridden "what am I doing my life?" I don't want this to be a space where my irrational worries can grow and fester. So when that's all that's happening, I post a silly Myki sorry or pose a question to my audience or I skip blogging for the day or week.

I'm in one of those places this week. My family suffered a tragic event so I'm in a general melancholy mood, working through my sadness, the trauma of loss, fear of mortality and all that comes with unexpected death. I am also at a professional crossroads, which can be stressful. What is next for me? How big a professional risk am I willing to take to reach the next level? What does the next level even look like for me? I sometimes feel I am neglecting my family - not in terms of physically being there, but really being present with both my husband and son. My financials are not what I'd like them to be and my social life is....limited.

Ok, I did it, I vented.

Thankfully, I'm not quite to the point of the worst case scenario anxiety panic, just a general sense of worry and foreboding. Since Friday night, I've been brooding over these worries and sadness. I was surprised that I did find some positivity in it all. I thought, I have my blog, it will force me to find something positive to say and the catharsis of writing about something good will make me feel good.

So I suppose this post is really a celebration of Soul Searching. When I look back at my initial posts, there's an obvious progression, from personal journal writing to my son's fan page to its current state as a blog dedicated to an audience and hopefully inciting thought and discussion. And when I consider my life today, Soul Searching has worked! Amidst a week of grief and angst, I found a silver lining. The glass is half full because I have you to speak to. (And because I've got this cutie to love and celebrate!)

From the Mouths of Babes

Myki came home today with a blue and green sugar cookies; a preschool homage to Earth Day!  He was super excited.  After dinner, his Dad tells him "we will share the Earth Day cookie like we share the Earth." Myki is surprisingly agreeable to the idea.

Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?
You know how Darla shakes the plastic bag with Nemo as hard as she possibly can?  That's pretty much how Myki treated his Earth Day cookie.

So the time comes to eat it and he says, "Daddy you eat the big piece and I will eat the other big piece and Mami, you will eat the little piece of a piece."

"The crumbs.  Do you mean Mami should eat the crumbs? Is that all Mami is worth, the crumbs?"

"Umm, yea."

"So, do you think that's all Mami is worth?"

"Yes"

While all this is occurring, Myki insists on sitting on my lap, snuggling up on me while I shower him in kisses.  Hopefully, the old adage is true, actions speak louder than words?!

360 Degrees of Self Care

For reasons beyond my control, I have not had quality health insurance for the last year or so.  I've now had insurance since April 1 and have been using it to the maximum extent possible.  The day my insurance cards came in the mail, I spent an hour researching doctor's office and making appointments - the podiatrist, the lady doctor, the dermatologist and a general practitioner.  I'm also in the market for an allergist and some class of mental health professional.

You don't quite appreciate a visit to the doctor until you've been unable to take one.  I've had very good insurance for essentially my entire life.  It literally cost me less than $500 to have my son - complete prenatal care and a c-section delivery.  Since Myki was born, while I had that wonderful insurance, I didn't necessarily have funds for a copay or time to make doctor's appointments, never mind actually going.  I absolutely took my access to care for granted.

This morning, I anxiously went to the gynecologist   I'm one of those people who is totally unnerved by a gyno appointment.  I've been known to cry and I definitely need to be told over and over to relax and "let your knees fall to the side."  I took off my big girl panties (Ha!) and got through it.  As a new patient, we ran through my entire medical history, a sobering conversation.  I recounted my family history of diabetes, remembered a thyroid removal surgery that brought my mom within an inch of her life, and enumerated all of the grandparents, aunts and uncles who died of some form of cancer, usually not found until it was late stage.

I'd never been so relieved to see the doctor, especially this kind of doctor.  But going through a less than positive family medical history made me appreciate my current health insurance that much more.  My dialogue around self-care has been centered around the hair salon, the nail salon, an esthetician (fancy name for waxing) and the occasional massage.  But the reality is that self-care includes the discomfort and inconvenience of medical appointments and preventative care.

It's probably against blogger etiquette to cite a blog that cites another blog, but I'm still learning, so bear with me.  I read a great post a few weeks ago on a mother's self-care:  "Avoiding the Doctor Won't Keep You Healthy."  Blogger Tara Jefferson said it took her three years to make an Ob/Gyn appointment and cited Meagan Francis, Founder of The Happiest Home:

But while bubble baths, massages, and manicures are wonderful things, they’re no substitute for taking real care of our health. And that can involve messy, uncomfortable, inconvenient, and un-pampering processes like screenings, blood tests, mole removals and mammograms.

No, those things don’t make for cute Instagrams or a fun girl’s nights out. But they are vitally important and we owe it to ourselves to make sure that “self care” includes the uncomfortable, un-fun stuff along with scented lotions and facials.

The Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated five years of marriage.  Five years doesn't sound like very long but according to the US Census Bureau, most marriages that end in divorce are short.  The first five years are often the most difficult and Mike and I upped the ante by getting married very young, at 23 years old and having a baby almost immediately after being married.

As I reflect on the last five years, I hope that we can maintain the same level of commitment to this endeavor of marriage; that we can continue to evolve and mature individually and as a couple.  I've read a lot of articles about marriage, a few books on how to stay together.  There are a million quotes about marriage and just as many theories as to what the secret is to a successful one.

Five years in, I think all of the advice is different ways of saying the same thing.  The secret to marriage is being in the other person's corner.  It means giving them the benefit of the doubt, seeing past their crazy, taking their feelings and opinions into account and allowing them to be just as much an individual as they are a part of a unit.

I think all of this is particularly necessary for those who get married young.  I am a different woman at 28 than I was at 23.  I will probably be five different women before all is said and done.

"A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love."
Pearl S. Buck

The thing that no one tells you about marriage is how incredibly difficult it is.  It's easy to be single, to be on your own tip and do whatever it is you want to do.  Dealing with someone else's emotions, priorities and sometimes their drama is challenging.  Consulting someone before you make decisions, accommodating your life so that it fits nicely with your partners, it's almost impossible.

But you figure it out because failure is not an option; walking away when things get tough...and ugly, it's not an option.  My husband has absolutely never wavered in this respect.  As we celebrate five years, I can say I will never waver again.  I have only in our last year found the subtle strength and confidence that comes with having a real partner in every aspect of my life.  Perhaps I am just now mature enough to really understand the point of marriage and revel in it.

Today, I am incredibly grateful for yesterday and every day of the last five years.  May we continue to love and support each other, raise a noble man and help each other become the best version of ourselves.

Covering My Parade with an Umbrella

After this wonderfully active and beautiful weekend, the last thing I wanted to do was go to work today. But the sun was shining, the birds were literally chirping and due to my wonderful weekend, I had a little kick in my step and planned on making the best of it.

I had also read an article this weekend about efficiency at work and was excited to test out the advice. The article recommended the 1-3-5 method of making to do lists. For one work day, you select one big, three medium and five small tasks to accomplish. I was ready to start the week off right! (Corny, I know, but anything to help me get more done is greatly appreciated!)

I know Mondays can be tough, I do. And I've absolutely been a less than social and absolutely smile-less person on a Monday, but something must have been in the water today at work. A bunch of people I had to interact with inside my office and out were just grumpy, and rude, and annoyingly insecure. Sometimes I feel like telling people to go home. I mean just like you don't come to work when you're sick, because its contagious, you really need to take a mental health day if you can't pull it together and function at a professional level. The first email I opened was literally a rant from a colleague about all they had to do and why our project hasn't moved.

I am absolutely emotional and passionate about my work, so I get being irritated and even venting but today was just out of control. I think what I was so taken aback by was how susceptible I seem to be to other people's dark moods. So while I went to work in good spirits and the best of intentions, I left over analyzing a rude email and wishing I didn't have to go in tomorrow.

Is there some kind of trick to ignoring people's bad attitudes? Can I build up gloominess tolerance so that no one else's dark cloud can push my sunshine out?

Maybe Ill put an auto reply on my email - "Im in a great mood today so don't rain on my parade. If this email is negative, you should recall it, add some niceties and resend. Thanks!"

What a Difference the Sun Makes!

This has been one of the most active and satisfying weekends I've had in quite some time! I am hear to tell you that seasonal depression is real! I feel like I've just woken up from a sedated state or something.

While I am from the Northeast and no stranger to cold or a blizzard, I've lived the last five years of my life in South Florida. I do love the summer - I always have. I've never felt like its too hot or humid; I just love the heat. But I spent my five years in Florida lobbying for a return to winter. I just needed to relocate back to Washington, DC. Professionally, personally, for my family, I was absolutely convinced that DC was what we needed.

So in April 2012, when I got a job in Alexandria, VA, I thought I'd hit the jackpot! As I look back on the last year, I am convinced that professionally, personally and for my family, moving was the right thing, with one exception - winter.

I was prepared for the cold. I knew I'd need winter clothes and I'd have to look beyond a park or pool for Myki's entertainment. What I was not at all prepared for was the sad...and the lethargic. I don't know that it had ever affected me so severely before! Before winter, I was working out almost daily. I had not only lost weight, but I felt strong. I was eating well, feeling sexy, making plans and hanging out, staying up past 10 pm. It was great.

Then comes the cold and the shorter days and I felt like a whiney, sleepy, unfocused mess. I'm pretty sure I had a two week period in there when I didn't wash my hair. I literally went to work in a messy bun every day for two weeks. I was just not prepared for the emotional ramifications of darkness and cold.

I am so excited about Spring and Summer and plan on stocking up on sunlight and outside time while I can!

I've been told that working out, going outside during lunch and even the tanning salon can combat the winter blues. Do you have any tips for avoiding the sad?? I need a game plan come November!