Calling Me Home - Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The past few weeks have been filled with so much emotion. I’m not sure if it’s the series of events or my old age but I feel like I’ve cried more in the past few months than I had in the 4 years before that. Somehow I feel more vulnerable, less able to hold myself together until I’m alone as I used to do.

I’m on a plane to JFK where my brother will be picking me up at 11:30 pm. My mother had surgery this morning…a surgery that I couldn’t make because I was at work and broke. She had complications and her blood pressure dropped lower than her doctor had ever seen on a person in 30 years of practice. She was put on a respirator and is now in the ICU. I’ve spoken to her doctor and he tells me that although it was quite a scare, she is ok. He sounds positive and very sincere. But a part of me doesn’t really believe him. How could she come so close to critical and still be ok? So I’m on my way to confirm and just give her a big hug and a kiss and tell her that I love her and I’m so sorry for not being there right when she woke up. I imagine this is something like what parents feel; like you need to be there with your kids when they go through things to make sure that they don’t feel alone or scared. When I spoke to my mom yesterday, she was so nervous and anxious. And I tried my best to console her but also got off the phone quickly. That was selfish of me but listening to her talk about her surgery just brought me to tears. And I didn’t want her to hear that.

Demian is also on his way. He left school today and borrowed his roommate’s car. He called me so worked up and nervous….looking for my advice. Does he go or does he stay? I know what it’s like to run out of school in a frenzy. I had to take those trips from DC….spend two weeks in a hospital room when my mom first lost her vision. But that was my senior year in college. Demian has only been in school a few weeks and already he has this burden to bear. I worry about him and if this is something he can handle on top of all of the other recent changes in his life. And I feel that the activities in my life in recent months are just calling me home.
My aunt passed a month before my wedding. She was the pillar of communication in my family and my mom’s best friend. I’d never seen my mom so devastated, never witnessed her sob in such pain. Then I got married a month later, such a celebration and a truly happy day. But another reminder that Florida is not quite my home, not where my people are. Then Demian’s high school graduation in the Dominican Republic. Another happy moment. But Mom couldn’t come because there was really no one for her to travel with from New Jersey and a certain lack of resources. And another trip to New Jersey in August to move Demian in to college….something my parents should have been able to do but just couldn’t . I feel such responsibility to fill these holes but the travel from Miami just doesn’t seem sustainable or even like it’s enough. And now this emergency trip home. My guilt overwhelms me. I should’ve been there this morning when she went into surgery…should have been there to reassure her that it would be fine and to speak to the Doctor when there was a problem.

For the moment I must just thank God that this was just a scare. Thank god that I was able to find a way home tonight and that I have a husband who can always calm me when something goes wrong and in-laws who seem to be my eternal saviors in times of crisis.