From the Mouths of Babes

Myki came home today with a blue and green sugar cookies; a preschool homage to Earth Day!  He was super excited.  After dinner, his Dad tells him "we will share the Earth Day cookie like we share the Earth." Myki is surprisingly agreeable to the idea.

Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?
You know how Darla shakes the plastic bag with Nemo as hard as she possibly can?  That's pretty much how Myki treated his Earth Day cookie.

So the time comes to eat it and he says, "Daddy you eat the big piece and I will eat the other big piece and Mami, you will eat the little piece of a piece."

"The crumbs.  Do you mean Mami should eat the crumbs? Is that all Mami is worth, the crumbs?"

"Umm, yea."

"So, do you think that's all Mami is worth?"

"Yes"

While all this is occurring, Myki insists on sitting on my lap, snuggling up on me while I shower him in kisses.  Hopefully, the old adage is true, actions speak louder than words?!

360 Degrees of Self Care

For reasons beyond my control, I have not had quality health insurance for the last year or so.  I've now had insurance since April 1 and have been using it to the maximum extent possible.  The day my insurance cards came in the mail, I spent an hour researching doctor's office and making appointments - the podiatrist, the lady doctor, the dermatologist and a general practitioner.  I'm also in the market for an allergist and some class of mental health professional.

You don't quite appreciate a visit to the doctor until you've been unable to take one.  I've had very good insurance for essentially my entire life.  It literally cost me less than $500 to have my son - complete prenatal care and a c-section delivery.  Since Myki was born, while I had that wonderful insurance, I didn't necessarily have funds for a copay or time to make doctor's appointments, never mind actually going.  I absolutely took my access to care for granted.

This morning, I anxiously went to the gynecologist   I'm one of those people who is totally unnerved by a gyno appointment.  I've been known to cry and I definitely need to be told over and over to relax and "let your knees fall to the side."  I took off my big girl panties (Ha!) and got through it.  As a new patient, we ran through my entire medical history, a sobering conversation.  I recounted my family history of diabetes, remembered a thyroid removal surgery that brought my mom within an inch of her life, and enumerated all of the grandparents, aunts and uncles who died of some form of cancer, usually not found until it was late stage.

I'd never been so relieved to see the doctor, especially this kind of doctor.  But going through a less than positive family medical history made me appreciate my current health insurance that much more.  My dialogue around self-care has been centered around the hair salon, the nail salon, an esthetician (fancy name for waxing) and the occasional massage.  But the reality is that self-care includes the discomfort and inconvenience of medical appointments and preventative care.

It's probably against blogger etiquette to cite a blog that cites another blog, but I'm still learning, so bear with me.  I read a great post a few weeks ago on a mother's self-care:  "Avoiding the Doctor Won't Keep You Healthy."  Blogger Tara Jefferson said it took her three years to make an Ob/Gyn appointment and cited Meagan Francis, Founder of The Happiest Home:

But while bubble baths, massages, and manicures are wonderful things, they’re no substitute for taking real care of our health. And that can involve messy, uncomfortable, inconvenient, and un-pampering processes like screenings, blood tests, mole removals and mammograms.

No, those things don’t make for cute Instagrams or a fun girl’s nights out. But they are vitally important and we owe it to ourselves to make sure that “self care” includes the uncomfortable, un-fun stuff along with scented lotions and facials.

The Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated five years of marriage.  Five years doesn't sound like very long but according to the US Census Bureau, most marriages that end in divorce are short.  The first five years are often the most difficult and Mike and I upped the ante by getting married very young, at 23 years old and having a baby almost immediately after being married.

As I reflect on the last five years, I hope that we can maintain the same level of commitment to this endeavor of marriage; that we can continue to evolve and mature individually and as a couple.  I've read a lot of articles about marriage, a few books on how to stay together.  There are a million quotes about marriage and just as many theories as to what the secret is to a successful one.

Five years in, I think all of the advice is different ways of saying the same thing.  The secret to marriage is being in the other person's corner.  It means giving them the benefit of the doubt, seeing past their crazy, taking their feelings and opinions into account and allowing them to be just as much an individual as they are a part of a unit.

I think all of this is particularly necessary for those who get married young.  I am a different woman at 28 than I was at 23.  I will probably be five different women before all is said and done.

"A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love."
Pearl S. Buck

The thing that no one tells you about marriage is how incredibly difficult it is.  It's easy to be single, to be on your own tip and do whatever it is you want to do.  Dealing with someone else's emotions, priorities and sometimes their drama is challenging.  Consulting someone before you make decisions, accommodating your life so that it fits nicely with your partners, it's almost impossible.

But you figure it out because failure is not an option; walking away when things get tough...and ugly, it's not an option.  My husband has absolutely never wavered in this respect.  As we celebrate five years, I can say I will never waver again.  I have only in our last year found the subtle strength and confidence that comes with having a real partner in every aspect of my life.  Perhaps I am just now mature enough to really understand the point of marriage and revel in it.

Today, I am incredibly grateful for yesterday and every day of the last five years.  May we continue to love and support each other, raise a noble man and help each other become the best version of ourselves.

Covering My Parade with an Umbrella

After this wonderfully active and beautiful weekend, the last thing I wanted to do was go to work today. But the sun was shining, the birds were literally chirping and due to my wonderful weekend, I had a little kick in my step and planned on making the best of it.

I had also read an article this weekend about efficiency at work and was excited to test out the advice. The article recommended the 1-3-5 method of making to do lists. For one work day, you select one big, three medium and five small tasks to accomplish. I was ready to start the week off right! (Corny, I know, but anything to help me get more done is greatly appreciated!)

I know Mondays can be tough, I do. And I've absolutely been a less than social and absolutely smile-less person on a Monday, but something must have been in the water today at work. A bunch of people I had to interact with inside my office and out were just grumpy, and rude, and annoyingly insecure. Sometimes I feel like telling people to go home. I mean just like you don't come to work when you're sick, because its contagious, you really need to take a mental health day if you can't pull it together and function at a professional level. The first email I opened was literally a rant from a colleague about all they had to do and why our project hasn't moved.

I am absolutely emotional and passionate about my work, so I get being irritated and even venting but today was just out of control. I think what I was so taken aback by was how susceptible I seem to be to other people's dark moods. So while I went to work in good spirits and the best of intentions, I left over analyzing a rude email and wishing I didn't have to go in tomorrow.

Is there some kind of trick to ignoring people's bad attitudes? Can I build up gloominess tolerance so that no one else's dark cloud can push my sunshine out?

Maybe Ill put an auto reply on my email - "Im in a great mood today so don't rain on my parade. If this email is negative, you should recall it, add some niceties and resend. Thanks!"

What a Difference the Sun Makes!

This has been one of the most active and satisfying weekends I've had in quite some time! I am hear to tell you that seasonal depression is real! I feel like I've just woken up from a sedated state or something.

While I am from the Northeast and no stranger to cold or a blizzard, I've lived the last five years of my life in South Florida. I do love the summer - I always have. I've never felt like its too hot or humid; I just love the heat. But I spent my five years in Florida lobbying for a return to winter. I just needed to relocate back to Washington, DC. Professionally, personally, for my family, I was absolutely convinced that DC was what we needed.

So in April 2012, when I got a job in Alexandria, VA, I thought I'd hit the jackpot! As I look back on the last year, I am convinced that professionally, personally and for my family, moving was the right thing, with one exception - winter.

I was prepared for the cold. I knew I'd need winter clothes and I'd have to look beyond a park or pool for Myki's entertainment. What I was not at all prepared for was the sad...and the lethargic. I don't know that it had ever affected me so severely before! Before winter, I was working out almost daily. I had not only lost weight, but I felt strong. I was eating well, feeling sexy, making plans and hanging out, staying up past 10 pm. It was great.

Then comes the cold and the shorter days and I felt like a whiney, sleepy, unfocused mess. I'm pretty sure I had a two week period in there when I didn't wash my hair. I literally went to work in a messy bun every day for two weeks. I was just not prepared for the emotional ramifications of darkness and cold.

I am so excited about Spring and Summer and plan on stocking up on sunlight and outside time while I can!

I've been told that working out, going outside during lunch and even the tanning salon can combat the winter blues. Do you have any tips for avoiding the sad?? I need a game plan come November!

Raising a Thoughtful and Compassionate Man

My son will be four in June.  Try as I may to hold on to his baby-hood, he is absolutely turning into a child, and sooner than I'd like, he will be a teenager and eventually (many moons from now), a man.  At 28 years old, I feel like I am still growing up, still learning and hopefully, growing.  As I mature and see changes in myself, I think often of the kind of man I'd like my son to be, and the things I can do to contribute to his greatness.

I work in the arena of diversity and inclusion.  Last week, I spoke to a college class on my work and what it is like to be an Afro-Latina in the workplace.  My co-panelist was a Black man, originally from Alabama, raised mostly in Texas and now very successful professionally.  In what I can only describe as a misguided attempt at admiration, a student asked him, "who do you credit with not being a stereotypical Black man?"  "I'm not sure what you mean," he responded.  "You know, like a gangster," complete with fake gang signs and some allusion to baggy clothes.  He thought for a moment and credited his family for the man he is today.  He said he grew up in a large family and the adults who raised him were very cognizant of the fact that they were raising a Black man in America.  My father-in-law and husband have also talked about the nuance of raising a Black boy in this country and the reality that as mother to a little black boy, a need to be vigilant in my defense and support of Michael's education, I need to ensure I hold him accountable and expect greatness from him even if the world does not, and that I educate him on his safety, composure, and demeanor in any situation.

I am rather outspoken.  I always say that my father raised me much more as his "first born," than as his daughter; he empowered me to say what was on my mind, to tackle any problem with a solution and do nothing less than my best.  These are traits that have served me well, and characteristics I'd like my son to have.  I want him to be able to defend himself, speak up for himself and show the world how incredible he is.

But I am learning, in my old age, that saying everything that is on your mind is not always valuable.  During the 2010-2011 school year, I served as the Manager of Development & Marketing for Unity School, a small private Preschool through Middle School in Palm Beach County, Florida.  The school has a humanistic approach and an emphasis on nurturing the greatness within.  It was all a bit fluffy for my taste, but I know the year I spent there was a valuable one, and it provided incredible insight into the kinds of values I'd like to instill in my son.   When I first started, the Head of School gave me a magnet: TKN.  According to the magnet, before you speak, you should consider: Is it True?  Is it Kind?  Is it Necessary? - TKN.  No one can accuse me of ever being less than truthful.  But in my youth, I absolutely said things that were less than kind and probably not necessary.  But I thought them, so I said them and I was unapologetic about that.

As I grew professionally however, I pulled back, tried to be more thoughtful in what I vocalized.  It was only when I was more thoughtful in what I said, that I could recognize the detriment in saying everything that came to my mind.  I used to take a lot of pride in my "realness."  I put it all out on the table, so to speak.  And while I am still outspoken and not afraid to say what I think, good or bad, that extra bit of thought has been incredible beneficial.  It has been a part of my "growing up." I think that both professionally and personally, my "realness" has gotten me into trouble, hindered me in some cases.  I'd like to teach Myki to be unapologeticlly honest and never be afraid to speak up, say what he thinks, but also balance that with tact and ultimately, compassion.

I just recently saw the picture below on Facebook, an expansion of TKN.  In the last few weeks, I've encountered some rather unhelpful people in some surprising places; people I thought were friends or at least in that middle place between acquaintance and friend.   In one particular instance, a so-called friend insulted how I define myself as a mother, my professional appearance, my ethnic/natural hair, my son's grooming, and my husband's employment in a only a few hours.  I sincerely believe she thought she was being friendly, utilizing a confidence or comfort level that we probably do not have.  But ultimately, her comments were not helpful, inspiring, kind or in any way necessary.

I hope to raise a man who is compassionate in the things he says and can express his opinions in the most helpful manner possible. I hope to raise a man with all of my exterior confidence and his father's gentleness.  And I hope to save him some of the time it took me to recognize the value of THINKing before I speak.

The Four-Sided Babysitter

I read an article once that discussed the "Mom Wars;" the passive aggressive comparisons that occur between moms.  "So-and-so just started walking at 10 months old, can you believe it?" "That's so great! Myki walked at 9 months."  ...you know you've done that!  For the most part, I don't even think we mean to do it.  Sometimes, things like that come out of my mouth and I don't realize how bad it sounds until it's out, how there's an automatic comparison that I didn't mean to be there.  The same article  described statistics on television watching.  On average, when Pediatricians ask parents how many hours of TV their children watch on a given day, they'll tell the doctor approximately half of the hours they really watch.

The recommended TV time for small children / early childhood is no more than two hours a day.  That sounds like a lot, four shows essentially.  But avoiding the four-sided babysitter is harder than I ever thought it would be, especially with some very high quality programming that feels much more educational than just talking to Mami.  My 3 1/2 year old knows 20-something different dinosaur species, the difference between a carnivore and a herbivore and some really adorable songs thanks to Dinosaur Train.  He knows the colors of the rainbow, a basic version of the scientific method and what a microscope does from Sid the Science Kid.  He introduces me to different animal species from Wild Kratz.  Can that much information really be wrong?!

In the last few months though, my husband and I have wondered if we're taking the easy way out with the television.  Yes, the shows are great and yes, he learns a lot.  But his behavior and listening have also been slipping.  Myki was coming home from school and demanding that the TV go on.  He was unable to respond to a question or acknowledge your presence with the TV on.  And he was generally ignoring instructions and requests.  Last week, we put our feet down!  We decided to nix weekday TV and implement some of the structure we had mastered in Florida (Side-note: We are still adjusting to relocation a year later!).

At first, I found the transition away from TV very difficult.  I have a huge workload and I've always struggled with making a mental break from work when I come home.  I also don't really get any downtime to unwind and decompress.  I get off of work and either come home to my husband and son or go pick up my son.  With TV, I could at least come back to my room, undress, take a moment.  Now, it's full throttle activity.  I'm also not great at playing...especially when I'm tired.  So keeping the TV off is a challenge for me to delve into the world of make believe.  And, like most moms, I am plagued by mom guilt and just really struggle with using the little time I have with Myki every evening to fight about the TV or anything else.  Alas, this is a necessary evil.

But I am pleased to report that a few weeks of this struggle has paid off!  Tonight, from arrival home to being tucked into bed, Myki did not even mention the TV!  He played with his toys, told us about his day, got in the tub, brushed his teeth with little argument, got himself dressed (from underwear to slippers) and asked for stories!  Who is this self-sufficient and well- behaved little boy (notice, I did not say baby)?  While the four-sided babysitter has absolutely felt easy and even valuable, I think the Pediatricians might be onto something.

Feminism in the News

Like many women, I've been following the recent media conversations around work-life balance and women in the workplace.  Since having my son in 2009, balance has been an elusive and fascinating concept for me.  I am obsessive by nature, which does not make for balance.  So the last four years of my life have really been an education in moving away from obsession and moving towards a more equitable distribution of not just my time, but also my mental energy, emotion and effort.  I do not have the answers; I'm not sure anyone really does.  But four years in, I absolutely feel prepared to look at marriage, motherhood, friendship, my career and the many other roles I play with equal parts dedication and rationality; dedication to always do my absolute best and rationality, knowing that there are only so many hours in the day and so much within my control.


The most interesting part of all of the most recent discussions around women's issues has been the divergence among women as to what the right answer is.  Unfortunately, the most vocal critics of Anne Marie Slaughter, Sheryl Sandberg, etc., have been other women.   According to Wikipedia, "Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights for women."  I thought the definition was telling...apparently the definition of Feminism is as broad as the definition of Religion, it's a collection of things.  


...Feminism is a collection of movements.  I recently met a college student who said she can't call herself a Feminist.  When asked why, she said she didn't feel like she'd done enough to earn the title, as if there was a certain number of hours you had to contribute to feminist causes to consider yourself a Feminist.  Along similar lines, I often wonder if I can call myself a Feminist despite taking my husband's last name (no hyphen  no keeping my own) without much discussion or debate.  These rather narrow views of Feminism are absolutely part of the problem.  Like all marginalized groups, if we can not come to consensus on even a common identity as feminists, how can we move forward?  The backlash that many recent writings and commentaries have received from other women has solidified my commitment to and my idea of what it means to be a feminist.  I am absolutely a feminist.  Why?  Because I care about the advancement of women and hope that we can find balance (whatever that looks like for each of us) and excel in whatever our chosen arena (or, all of our chosen arenas).  


With that in mind, my personal thoughts on all of the recent media:


Why Women Still Can't Have it All? by Anne-Marie SlaughterSlaughter makes a really valid point about timing.  Can women have it all?  Absolutely!  Can they have it all at the same time?  Probably not....not until workplace policies and practices really allow for professional growth within the context of workplace flexibilities.  I often consider my maternity leave and subsequent generous telework policy after my son was born.  There's a certain reality to "out of sight, out of mind."  While I was doing incredible work, I was simply not present in the office for months and when I reappeared, my physical time in the office was sparse; I probably was not on anyone's short list for the next promotion.

Is There Life After Work? by Erin CallanCallan, a former COO of Lehman Brothers' ultimate thesis is that she could have achieved all that she achieved and still had a life.  I question that.  I think women are inherently at a disadvantage in certain arenas.  Like people of color, women often have to work twice as hard for minimum recognition and have to essentially overcompensate for the unconscious bias that many decision-makers (often white males).  Personally, I have made sacrifices within my personal life to accommodate my professional responsibilities and I have also opted to "have a life" and not bend myself in a pretzel to accommodate something work-related.  I think there are times when not pushing "life" aside has hindered me professionally and vice versa, times when putting work first has benefited me. 

Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg (link is to LeanIn.org, her non-profit organization)I'm only three chapters in, but I feel like Sandberg is speaking to me.  She's thoughtful in her argument, has a conversational and easy-to-read tone, and acknowledges that she speaks from a position of privilege.  Her book is more of a challenge to women to "lean in," and demand our seat at the table.  


What do you think of all this feminist talk?  Is there a "right answer" or a "right path" to having it all?  What does "having it all" look like?     

Bucket List before 30

Inspired by a post written on The Young Mommy Life, 30 before 30 by Tara, I began to consider what I'd like to accomplish by 30. Tara wrote her post at 24; a lot can happen in six years! I have just under two years until 30, so my list may be a bit more conservative.

While 30 used to be the boundary between old and young, I've heard really great things about the 30's from friends who are now nearing their 40's.

For me, my 20's have been full of really huge life events.  Since 20 I have graduated college and graduate school, contended with my mother's vision loss and precarious health, gotten married, had a baby, relocated from DC to South Florida and back again and held five different jobs (career experiments if you will).  As I near 30, I look forward to more stability and really establishing myself as a woman, wife, mother, friend and professional.

1. Buy a new car, like a 2014 at the end of 2013.  I've only ever purchased a used car and I'm over it.  I want to pick out my own interior and all the bells and whistles.

2. Pay off all of my consumer debt (I am more than halfway there!)

3. Contribute at least $15,000 to my student loans.

4-8. Improve my self-care and pampering. This means the hair salon, the nail salon, an esthetician and potentially some lessons in make-up application! I've also gotten a couple spa treatments in my life, and that absolutely needs to occur on a biannual basis, at least.

9. Go on a family vacation with my brother - we're thinking something all-inclusive in the Caribbean

10. Take Myki to Disney World for his 5th birthday - on property, photo ops with Mickey, all the fancy trim Disney has to offer.

11. Go on a trip with my husband, just he and I!

12. Introduce my husband to Broadway - dinner, a show and hopefully a hotel afterward.

13. Lose at least 30 lbs (lingering baby weight).

14. Complete this 21 Day Meditation Challenge

15. Complete at least one cycle of "Couch to 5k" (I've had this app on my phone for over three years and never made it past week 4 - shameful)

16. Run a 5k; not a regular one though, one of these mud runs or color races.

17. Buy my family bicycles and be one of those families that goes on long Saturday bike rides (weather permitting).

18.  Once I've lost that 30 lbs, have one of those noire photo shoots done, documented evidence that I still got it!

19. Complete a massive photo album with the 100s, maybe 1,000s of digital pictures I have of Myki's first years (5 by then)

20. Achieve professional stability.  I'll elaborate on what that means when I get there.

21. Visit some of my friends who live in places I've never been - Hawaii, Texas (well, a different part than I've ever been too), St. Louis and Southern California.

22. Mentor someone; a young professional, a new mother, etc.  Not just a casual mentorship but a real ongoing relationship.

23. Do something with my writing.  I currently have this blog for my leisure and I moderate a moms listserv for my sorority, but I'd like to earn some kind of income with something I write, freelancing or blogging or even writing a book.

24. Get a really nice technology suite - a top of the line desktop or laptop (dare I say, a Mac) with all the programs I could possibly need, high-quality digital camera, a wireless 5-in-1 printer.

25. Fully decorate my house (or apartment or wherever I live) - pictures all framed and hung, no clutter (just sensible and stylish storage), details and accents like throw pillows and complete bedding (instead of the conglomeration of sheets my mom has given me and pieces we bought at Homegoods)

26. Feel like I am staying in touch with all of my friends.  I have these moments where I feel so lonely, but I have like 100's of friends and I just don't seem to manage keeping in touch very well.

27. Reignite my cooking skills - I am a damn good cook!  But I've been so distracted recently I seem to burn, underseason, oversalt everything.

28. Get in touch with my crafty side - Myki loves projects and I used to love them (I have the scrapbooks to prove it!)  I need to find that patience again and share it with him.

29. Take a creative writing class.  I think this will help with #23

30. Conquer my exhaustion - I am always tired, like always.  I could go to sleep at any point in any day.  I think most of the sleepies are caused by worry and accomplishing this list would diminish a lot of that.

I will pass Tara's torch, what are your goals?  30 just happens to be where I am, but feel free to modify based on where you are - 75 before 75, 19 before 19, etc.

Informed Parent vs. Squeaky Wheel

I had a meeting with my son's preschool teacher this morning.  He is just over 3 1/2 and has been in his current school since mid-September 2012, so about six months.  In this time, he's been in two different classrooms, and will be moving again in June, promoted to the school readiness preschool room for four-year-olds.  Thankfully, he should be in that room a full year and then, dare I say it, Kindergarten (What?!  who has a Kindergartner? I am still mother to a baby, that's right a 4 ft tall baby!).  Denial aside, my son will be in elementary school in less than two years.

There are countless studies enumerating the benefits of parental involvement in school; articles espousing the increased success and accomplishment of students with engaged parents; and charter schools that won't let students in without signatures and tangible commitments from their parents.   I get it; I'm supposed to know what is going on as Michael's parent, supposed to help with homework, reinforce concepts at home and go to PTA meetings.  And I have always had every intention of doing that and have worked to build lines of communication with his teachers.  But I must say, it's been a bumpy road thus far.  Myki has been in four daycare/preschool centers since his birth due to varying circumstances (job transitions, waiting lists and inflexible commutes).  

In each case, the communication between his teacher and I did not come naturally as you'd think it would, or as easily as the books said it would be.  Sometimes, it's like pulling teeth.  And sometimes it has felt like the teacher doesn't REALLY know him, his development or his personality.  Today's meeting was somewhere between the best and worst I've ever had.  The teacher had not been informed that a meeting was scheduled (awesome!).  She proceeded to explain the classroom structure and how Myki was evaluated (six months in and this is the first I hear of it).  She then asked me what my objectives were for Myki and what I wanted to see in terms of progress and objectives.  I explained that I wanted as much communication as possible and what my goals were for Myki's development.

There wasn't much feedback, just very sincere smiles and nods.  I absolutely believe that his teacher wants to fulfill my expectations, but I'm not sure she knows very much about Myki, or perhaps she's been instructed not to provide critical feedback, or any feedback?  I know some parents just don't want to hear it, and I tried to make it clear that I want to hear it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. Nurturing Myki's strengths and recognizing and addressing his weaknesses is critical  - standard problem solving logic, right?

Whenever I have these meetings, I almost feel guilty.  I never know if I am being a good proactive parent or a squeaky wheel?  Why do I get these blank stares and "smile and nods" from these teachers if I'm supposed to be talking to them all the time; am I an anomaly?  Right now, we're talking basics; but what happens when we're talking about more critical things?  I know I need to be "in the know" when it comes to Myki's education, but I sure do hope it gets easier.  I want to the sitcom relationship where Myki's teacher and I exchange pleasantries and she spontaneously tells me some funny story of the day and updates me on A,B and C (literally).  Does that come with elementary school, or will it always be work on my end to coax it out?