Anatomy of a Freak Out

Do you ever just freak out? I have something like a bimonthly panic attack around my life and responsibilities.  I have just overcome one such moment and was lying in bed thinking about how I have made this better over the years.

It usually begins with a to do list.  Not your standard list of picking up the dry cleaning and the groceries, but the more serious stuff.  Do your taxes, make an appointment for all that dental work you and your spouse need, figure out how much is in the HSA to pay for it and make sure Myki's name is in the lottery for exceptional kindergarten programs next year.  That critical to do list carries over a few weeks without totally getting done. And as I pull together the energy to make a plan and tick things off the list, complications arise.  Turns out we won't be getting a refund this year but actually owe some money.  The dental work needs to be broken down into five appointments - and yes, each one will hurt.  You need to show up at the school board offices to get in the lottery but dentist appointments and business travel get in the way.  And work - business trips, meetings, deadlines and goals each bring a drop of added pressure.  My overachieving nature multiplies each drop by 50 and I am crumbling under the resulting deluge of partially self-imposed, partially real requirements.  

With this heightened anxiety, I snap at my husband who snaps right back.  I lose patience with my son, who sticks out his upper lip in protest followed by huge crocodile tears.  I stew in my guilt and retreat to the shower.  I take this opportunity to talk myself down and build a plan...a new list.

Slowly, I emerge from the panic and return to action, ticking things off the list again.  This cycle of panic and overwhelmedness is not new to me. In thinking it through though, it has gotten profoundly better.  There are hot showers and aromatherapy baths to retreat too, family board games and movie nights to reconnect with and professional accomplishments to celebrate.  Losing sight of any of this is what causes the panic.

It's better now.  I can do this and more.  The knowledge that I have been trusted to raise this boy, care for this man, and do this work and the reality that I have to date, been successful at all three is medicine enough.  This sense of self is the key to battling the beast of panic that persistently knocks at my door.

Professional Happiness

I have read quite a few LinkedIn articles focused on finding your professional happiness.  "Do what you love!" is almost always included in the articles.  Do what you love and the rest will follow.  I take exception to this guidance.  I don't think everyone can realistically do what they love.  I love to write in this blog, I love to cook, watch TV and movies and shop.  I can't really get paid to do all of those things. 

I think my generation was raised with this mentality that doing what you love, and what matters to you is paramount.  My personal journey and that of many of my friends has been incredibly different.  I currently do something that I love, but five years ago, I would not have been able to tell you this was a job I wanted, or a job I even knew existed quite frankly.

For me, the sweet spot to professional happiness lies in what you are good at.  What are the skills you bring to the table, the things you consistently do better than anyone around you?  For me, professional happiness and professional success are nearly synonymous.  When I am doing well at work, I am happy.  It means that my skills are of value, my ideas are being implemented and I am looked at as a high-performer.  These things translate into what I love.  For example, I am an excellent communicator. I can write, teach, facilitate and verbally construct ideas that make sense for whatever work I am doing.    

Don't get me wrong; I absolutely think professional happiness is important.  But I think, like any goal worth achieving, there is a strategy to even figuring out what you love and perhaps more articles should be written about that.  Think very carefully about what you are good at, what you default too at work and what people notice.  Figure out ways to do more of that. Find a new job that lets you do more of that.   

When I really stop to think about what got me to professional happiness, it was never doing what I loved.  It was always, having the self-awareness to recognize my strengths and working to put myself in situations where those strengths were evident.  

Perhaps what doesn't sit well with me, what is really wong with all of these articles is the perscriptive nature of their guidance.  "Do what you love!" sounds rather easy but really, professional happiness takes quite a bit of effort to get to.  Perhaps the largest lesson I've learned is to do the work.  Professional happiness may not just come, but you can absolutely build it.

Do I Need to Own a Home?

I am a planner.  Perhaps not a daily planner or a planner of events (in life at least), but a long-term planner.  I often struggle with enjoying the moment because after each accomplishment, I look ahead at accomplishing the next thing.  My singular focus has been professional until recently.  I am currently elated with where I am professionally and hope to be in this position for many years to come.  

And so, naturally, I have started to look ahead at the next accomplishment to be achieved.  Somewhere in the future is a sibling for Myki, someone real so he doesn't need to make-up siblings who live in Asia (yes, this is a real story, made so convincing by my son that his teachers have actually asked me about his siblings).  But more immediately, I've been rolling this idea of home ownership around in my head.  Should we embark on purchasing a home?  It would make the whole sibling discussion much more possible as we currently don't have the space for a family addition, and both my husband and I work from home - another argument for additional space.

I have never been incredibly connected to place though.  Whereas my husband had spent his whole life in Florida until recently, I had lived in six states in my first 23 years.  For a long time, while living in Florida, I had convinced myself that I absolutely needed to live in the DC metro area.  But moving here last year taught me that I didn't need to live here so much as I needed to work at building and maintaining relationships wherever I am.  Feeling isolated is really something I am in control of.  

This leads me back to the home discussion.  If I'm no longer emotionally connected to a particular place and my husband and I both have jobs that allow us to live almost anywhere, should we purchase a home that will keep us in place for at least the next 10 years?  

There are other factors to consider.  Stability is important.  While I may not be connected to place, I think it is important that Myki is, that he has childhood friends who he goes to school with over the years and some kind of consisten extracurriculars like a piano instructor or karate studio.

Owning something, having a positive net worth, is also important.  As a first generation American, I think it is important that I build some volume of wealth, something that can be inherited, borrowed against if need be, sold for a profit.  And paying rent each month is not necessarily a good use of money, especially in an area where renting the square footage we need could easily cost more than a mortgage.  On the other hand, there are so many people under water on their homes, unable to sell homes they can't afford or homes in areas where they don't have professional possibilities.  I definitely don't want to go down that road.

Unfortunately, outlining the pros and cons doesn't get me to a clear answer.  I think the real deal is that it is emotionally important to me that I own a home, purchase a home with my husband for our family to grow and build memories, have sufficient accommodations for family members and friends who want to visit or need a place to stay.  But should such a large financial commitment be made based on my emotional desire for a home?

Looking for some thoughts here - is home ownership important?  Please comment!

Wellness

I always feel fabulous the first few days of a diet.  My body automatically takes to the lowered calories and it's like I instantly lose 15 pounds. My clothes fit better, I look like someone I recognize in the mirror and generally, my energy is pretty high.  It's usually day four or five when I begin to fall off.  It's amazing, or pathetic, how quickly it happens.  And usually, it's just after that first dietary blunder that I go back to feeling like I'm bursting at the seams.  

I have always struggled with my weight - at least in my mind.  I saw a Facebook meme recently that said, "I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat." I have often lamented my college fat levels - they were nonexistent - I was super fly with bumps and lumps in all the right places.  But I really have struggled with it in the last five years.  I somehow crept up over 200 lbs and have maintained that weight.  By struggle, I mean only mentally.  People say they struggle with weight but that's not really an accurate description of what happens - I willfully ignore my weight until I need to get dressed for something important and realize everything is too tight, or I go shopping and pick up a rack of size 14s to try on, only to find I can't get the pants past my thighs or the shirt over my head and I need to go to the plus size section off the store, head lowered in shame.

This is something I would really like to work on.  I have a lot of baggage about the importance of being a healthy mother.  My mother accomplished incredible things professionally but she did so at the expense of her health and always said she did it for her kids, she worked so hard for us.  I was really angry at that statement for a long time - the long-term benefit for us, her children, would have been just a bit more time together, and the peace of mind that comes with having a healthy mother.  At 52, she was knocking on deaths door.  Thankfully she is doing well now, but not without significant health challenges.  As angry as I was at her logic, I have absolutely adopted it as my own.  I will not hesitate to say that I work so hard for my son, to give him experiences and educational opportunities and yes, things. 

But I do this at the expense of my time with him and the energy necessary to take really good care of myself.  

That was a difficult statement to write.  I put work first, almost without exception.  My colleagues and managers would tell you I am one of the hardest working people they know. My husband would say the same.  My son would tell you I work quite a bit and that I am always at work. There are moments when I feel balanced but in the back of my mind, there is the nagging sense that for every accomplished task or mastered arena, there are two things falling through the cracks.  

I've read and written quite a bit about balance in the last few years and have really been obsessed with the idea that I could achieve balance.  I have made incredible strides in that direction and as I go, my definition of balance is changing.  I no longer think it is possible to always feel in balance.  Instead, I think I need to pick the two or three things I will be focusing on and be ok with the fact that the other things will just be maintained in the meantime.  Right now, the three priorities are acclimating to this new job, spending some daily tech and tv free time with Myki and wellness - not weight loss, or exercise per se, but really wellness and ensuring I make it past the four day diet mark this time and maintain this slim and trim feeling.

Traveling

In my current position, I travel quite a bit. When I was hired, I thought that the travel would do me good.  It's an opportunity to spend a periodic night in a hotel, see more of America and spend some quality time with myself.  I am usually rather anxious when left alone with my thoughts - there is always that sense that I should be doing something, catching up on something or with someone. Consequently, my "me" time rarely serves it's purpose.  I usually try to multitask it with something on my to do list, or go deep into panic mode on all that there is too do and why I'm too tired to do any of it.  It just drives me crazy.  

Five business trips in, I am proud to report that the travel is doing me quite a bit of good.  I used to be a great traveler because I did it so much. I packed well, my timing was right and I've never been intimidated by a new place.  During these five trips, it has become painfully clear how out of practice I am.  I forget to pack some things and overpack in other areas.  I'm late or early or just kind of worried about the logistics.  

Surprisingly, these challenges have helped me remember how much I love to travel and how important it is to me that my family and I travel together.  My son is Dominican and black with grandparents from the Dominican Republic, the Deep South and the US Virgin Islands. My husband and I, his parents, grew up in completely different households and are raising him in a home that is very different from either of those.  I want him to not only be comfortable with his mix of roots and cultures, but experience different places and people that will contribute to his worldview.  I believe that the number one thing I can give him as his mother are the experiences and perspective to feel comfortable in his own skin anywhere and in any situation.  Confidence, resilience, flexibility and the humility to appreciate what you have - I think travel can give this to him.

I traveled quite a bit with my family and those memories are my best - long talks with my Dad, dares and adventures with my brother, the joy of seeing something new with people you love and learning things about them that you never would have learned at home.  My current travels are far from exotic - Salt Lake City, St. Louis, Detroit, Oklahoma City, Seattle and Denver - but they are places I've never been before and places I want to see more of.  Most of my prior travels have been international or up and down the East Coast.  There is quite a bit more to this country of ours than I have ever seen, and I am beginning to appreciate that.

I think that has been the largest takeaway for me, the realization that travel doesn't need to be an elaborate international adventure.  It can be an hour's flight away to the Midwest, an 8 hour road trip to the South or a day trip to explore a new corner of the state we live in.

I will keep you posted on where this new definition of adventure takes us and if my husband and son love it as much as I do!

Guidance in Action

Historically, I have not been the most resilient person.  When I get knocked down, I definitely get up, but I do it with a chip on my shoulder.  When one thing goes wrong, it seems to cancel out ten things that have gone right.  But yesterday, I had one of those days where nothing could go wrong; it wasn't that nothing went wrong, it just didn't really phase me when it did. 

I overslept, missed two trains, burnt myself with soup I was trying to buy, had to reschedule a fairly important meeting due to my lateness, took a rather important conference call in a train station and was so exhausted all day by my 20 hour business trip the day before that it felt like I could barely string a cohesive sentence together. But, overall, there were great things about the day and I relished in them!

I'm not sure what kind of indicator that is.  The premise of this blog and so many personal growth initiatives I've endeavored to fulfill in the last five years has been to change my outlook, to view the world through rose-colored glasses, see the glass as half full and recognize the many blessings that permeate my life.  Was this wonderfully disastrous day an indicator that all of my efforts are working?  

I've been thinking quite a bit about a recent statement made by my company's Chairman and CEO.  I've been in a new position for the last two months (hence my blog silence as I dive into this new challenge). After less than two weeks on the job, I attended the company's international kick-off. The Chairman and CEO gave a closing talk that included five pieces of advice, things he's learned in his life and career.  One in particular really stuck with me, "do the work your goals require of you."  

I have been turning that guidance around in my head. It is so simple, and to me, so poignant.  Just like losing weight will not happen spontaneously, my happiness will not just come because I will it forward.  But I've been putting in some work, resolving the things that I am dissatisfied with and creating the circumstances of the life I want.  

So here's to more days of not noticing the trouble and enjoying the good! 

What's My Mom Score? OR Am I doing this right?

According to Wikipedia, "a mother (or mum/mom) is a woman who has raised a child, given birth to a child, and/or supplied the egg which in union with a sperm grew into a child."  The definition of a mother is so straightforward, child = mother, mother = child.  The realities of motherhood are so much more complex.  I am raising, have given birth too and supplied the egg for a child.  His name is Michael and he is amazing.  I am a mother.

The complexity arises in the adjective I suppose.  I am a mother, but am I a good mother or a bad mother?  There is no such thing as the perfect mother, that much I know.  But if I were to make a list of my flaws as a mother (probably not a good idea from a mental health perspective), and put them on a scale with a list of the things that make me an awesome mother (a wonderful activity for my mental health), which side would be heaviest?

I do think I get points for intention.  I always try to do my best and I own up to when I haven't (like this evening's TV marathon) and when I don't do well, I end on a high note (like this evening's story time after said marathon and before bed).  Sometimes I wish there were points, and an actual scorecard.  Not so that I can compare to other Moms' scorecards, just so that I could have documentation that I am doing more right than wrong in this journey of motherhood.

On the positive, I love my son fiercely and I tell him so every chance I get complete with hugs and kisses, I read to him each and every day, push him to do all that he can, try to create experiences for him and work to spend as much time with him as possible.  

On the negative, I cannot seem to get a handle on this cleaning business - how do people keep up with dishes, laundry, clutter, grout and and the vacuum?  I mean, I can maintain the basics (usually) but the details like ironing and dusting are just beyond me.  When I've had a bad day or am in my feelings about something, Myki definitely feels my impatience.  And I spend entirely too much time on electronic devices - on my phone checking my email and social media, my computer writing and working.  He once told me, "Mami, when you aren't looking at your phone, you're a good Mami and when you are looking at your phone, you are not a good Mami."  And another piece for the positive pile, my son is honest!  

Positive Strides

My son and I participated in our first fitness event yesterday.  I currently serve on the National Leadership Team of my sorority but between the work that entails, my professional work, writing, family and friends, I rarely have time to support the local chapters.  One of them hosted a Senorita (that's us) Fun Run at a nearby park. The event raised funds for a literacy organization in Northern Virginia and participants were asked to dress as their favorite literary character.  When I received the announcement, I thought, this is the perfect opportunity to kill two (or five) birds with one stone.

1. Affordable family fun and fitness - Check!
2. Mami and Myki bonding - Check!
3. Explore a new place - Check!
4. Support a local Chapter and some Hermanas (sisters) that are important to me - Check!
5. Fundraise for literacy - Check!

My son has motivated me to do and accomplish so many things since coming into this world four years ago.  When he was born, I found myself in a frenzy.  He deserved so much, including an amazing mother who could show him, through her actions, that accomplishing your goals is only a matter of effort.  So I applied, was accepted to and completed an MBA program that I entered when he was 6 months old.  Every professional decision and job shift has been an effort to excel for him.

And yet, I have not applied this same motivation to my health.  I talk a good game about the importance of being healthy, of living a long and healthy life because that is what I and my family deserve.  I've also made some sincere and substantial efforts at weight loss, fitness and an overall healthy lifestyle.  And to ensure I am not totally self-deprecating, I have held on to some of those good behaviors and implemented some positive changes in the long-term.  But I do need to do more.

I have not committed the same fervor to my health or that of my family as I have to my professional and personal endeavors.  Instead of using Myki as a motivator to my fitness, I have historically used him as an excuse, a reason why I couldn't fit in exercise or make energy for it.  

There was a sixth and unexpected benefit to this morning of fun.  Myki sure did teach me about internal motivation.  The race course was a two or three mile (waiting on confirmed distance) route up one way and back the other.  Myki and I started at a run and quickly slowed to a jog and then a pretty leisurely walk.  About halfway up the first leg, we started to see the other runners come back.  I asked Myki if he wanted to just turn back and run with them to the finish line.  "No mami, we HAVE to keep going!"  He was adamant that he was going to finish the race completely.  We got to the halfway point and he was elated and feeling accomplished.  We turned around and he kept at it.  Just a bit before the finish line, he was really struggling and started saying how tired he was.  Then, just as the finish line was within view, he gave himself a little pep talk:

C'mon Michael, you can do it!  Don't stop.  Don't drop yourself.

Don't drop yourself!  And as we ran across the finish line hand in hand and I heard "we are the champions" in my head, he said, "I did it!  I carried myself the whole way and I won the race."  As the only child to do the whole thing (of 2), he did win the kid's category as well as a frozen yogurt gift certificate for best boys' costume!  It was a great day and gave me a good kick in the butt about the importance of family fitness.

I have signed Myki up for Fall soccer to continue to nurture his competitive spirit and personal perseverance and am committed to signing us up for future Mami and Myki runs this Fall!  #fromthemouthesofbabes

Has your child ever surprised or inspired you with their will and fortitude?  (I know they have!  Tell me about it!)

5 Strategies for Beating the Sleepies

This was initially going to be a piece about how exhausted I have been the last few weeks.  But, inspired by my audience (that's you!) and the spirit of this blog (positive and optimistic!), I thought hard about how to beat this exhaustion that seems to be weighing me down.  

1. Treat Yourself! 

Wake-Up, Get to Work, Work, Pick-Up Son, Dinner, Bath, Sleep - REPEAT
Sometimes, the predictability of routine is exhausting.  Each day passes and nothing much has really happened, no special memories made or story to tell.  Sometimes you need a treat.  This week, I tried to treat myself to something each day.  I took my son out to dinner one night, we baked some delicious banana bread together another and post-bedtime, I watched Pitch Perfect with a glass of wine; I even bought a fancy exfoliating shower gel for some at-home spa time!  

2. Get moving!

Every article I read about fighting exhaustion recommends exercising.  While I have had bouts of fitness success, I struggle in the long term.  One of my challenges is comparing my start to someone else's finish. People run marathons and practice yoga what seems like 24/7.  I wake up and check my email and social media to find that while I rub sleep out of my eyes, my Facebook friends have already completed a five mile run.  No, at the moment I can't run five miles, and especially not at 6 AM, but I sure can walk around the block or up to the park (pictures below of Myki and I's mini-hike) or even just do some jumping jacks, high knees and push-ups with my four year old. 

3. Make a list and check it twice!

Rarely is exhaustion just about a lack of sleep or something physical.  A bad case of the sleepies can be caused by stress, anxiety, overwhelmedness or simply having too much to do!  Write it out - write down everything that is causing these emotions and every errand you need to complete or project you need to think through.  There is much truth to the saying, "you can't have it all."  Take a look at the list and prioritize. What is most important and what is manageable?  I once read a LinkedIn article on the trick of To Do lists that suggested for each day, you make a list of one large task, three medium level tasks and five small tasks.  That is the guideline for a workday.  I propose adjusting that as a personal guide for the week.  For example, this week, I will complete:

Large

1. Resume Job - I have a small resume "business" and have one client this week who needs a winning Federal resume!

Medium

1. Thoughtful Blog Post

2. Chapter Letters - I currently serve as national Director of Expansion for my sorority and owe two chapters an update on various projects 

3. Laundry is mostly done, but I have some folding, hanging and putting away to do.

Small

1. Daily writing/coloring exercise with Myki

2. Breakfast of Champions - I'm trying to address my diet one meal at a time.  This week's task is to master a healthy breakfast.

3. Resume Evaluations - I have two clients in the wings and need to touch base with them 

4. One cooking project with Myki - measurement, following directions, doing someone other than TV together and celebrating with a yummy treat afterward!

5. Read a Chapter of The Secrets to Happy Families, a book I've been trying to get through for months and one my husband and I are trying to implement in our family.

4. You Time!
In a fast-paced world with countless responsibilities, exhaustion can be more about mental energy than anything else.  Your brain is literally tired of always being in motion.  Do you have something you do to clear your mind?  My brain is so busy, I find meditation and yoga exhausting; it is just so hard to clear my thoughts and then I beat myself up for "failing" at something that is supposed to be helpful.  But a nice long shower or some beautification (at-home manicure, salon, massage) always does the trick.  A good book or writing session has also been known to work.  I have a girlfriend who is super crafty, always crocheting or knitting something.  Find what works for you and make some time for it!

5. Sleep!
Then again, sometimes you just need a nap.  Maybe you've been unable to sleep or burning the midnight oil on a project one too many nights in a row.  Conventional wisdom recommends a minimum of six hours of sleep a night, but it is also important to know what your body needs.  Personally, I need more like eight to be fully functioning so sometimes, I just need to go to sleep at 8:30 PM to make up for a few too-late nights or too-early mornings in a row. 

Post-Baby Body Journey

In April my husband and I celebrated five years of marriage and in December we will celebrate eight years together.  I was pregnant with our first and only child within five months of being married and gained 60 lbs during that pregnancy. When I walked in to deliver my son, I weighed 250 lbs.  I am only 5' 3" people; it was out of control. 

 When I was pregnant, I read so much about what was happening to my body. There was a lot of physical change and I wanted to be sure it was all normal.  I also read about post-pregnancy, but that was really focused on nursing and sleep and anything related directly to the baby.

What I never read about was what would happen to my appearance.  I had horrendous stretch marks that literally cover my entire stomach.  Despite the promises of an array of vitamin E and cocoa butter products, they don't fade over time or get smaller.  After delivery, my stomach just deflated....there was So. Much. Skin.  It took 10 months to stretch out and many months to come back.  And after swelling to an H cup, my breasts absolutely lost their youthful perkiness (that is gentle wording for what occurred).  There was also the matter of 30 lbs to loose.  Surprisingly the first 30 were lost in delivery (talk about water weight!)

I stepped fairly easily into new motherhood.  The focus was on the baby.  The changes in my shape, this new focus and the comfort of being with the same man for four years left space for homeliness to set in.  I never really went and bought new clothes for my new body, vowing that I'd make the clothes I had work until my body "came back."  I wore maternity clothes until they were so big they fell off and then pieced together outfits from Target clearance runs, what was left in my closet that I could button or zip and my sister-in-law's hand-me-downs.  She had a big weight loss during this time. Thank goodness, because I might've been naked without her generous contributions.

This state of disarray lasted for close to four years.  I didn't really realize how bad it had gotten until it started to get better. In February 2012, I got a new job in a new city and started to pack up my closet.  Moving is expensive and relocation costs would not be covered.  I decided I wasn't going to pay to move just anything and left 3/4 of my closet behind.   Really examining those contents was eye-opening. "Wow, I don't really like any of this and, it doesn't fit well, and nothing is cut above the matronly length of just below the knee." 

I then got to my new position and stripped away even more, purchasing a few pieces of clothing here and there to support my new look as a power professional, working to hone in on what was flattering versus the "large enough to hide" approach I'd been using. 

I then came across a website, The Shape of a Mother, that showed pictures of women's post-baby bodies.  I found myself clicking through picture after picture, looking for my specific body and it's corresponding "damage."  It was therapeutic I suppose, confirmation that stretch marks, extra weight changing shape was all normal and literally happened to everyone who had a baby. 

In April of this year, my husband and I celebrated five years of marriage and I, for the first time since just after my wedding, got a Brazilian bikini wax.  TMI you say, but this was pivotal moment in rediscovering my sexy post-baby self.  Since then, I've started to notice myself in the mirror.  I still have the good kind of curves, I still have a desirable shape and there are still clothes that can make me look good.  Last week, I wore a thong.  Again, TMI you say, but I guarantee you that the transition from granny panties back to a thong is a serious milestone in the post-baby body journey.

I just came across this post on Babble about "A Beautiful Body Project," more very candid photos of post-baby bodies.  The photographer behind the site is working on a book highlighting the    “movement of women coming together to tell their stories and celebrate their ever-changing bodies so that future generations of women can live free from self-suffering.”

Self-suffering isn't the phrase I would have used, but when I think about it, it's accurate. Depriving myself of a beauty regimen, sexy underthings, curve-hugging attire is self-suffering...placing myself in the role of victim to my changing body versus the empowerment that should come with a body that has brought life into this world.  

At 190 lbs, I've lost the pregnancy weight and look forward to continuing the weight loss journey. But even if my weight maintains, there will be waxes, thongs and hip-hugging garments to remind me of the particular sexy that comes with knowing what your body can do.