Soul Searching

Does life really change at 3?

2012-01-27T14:38:00.004-05:00

My husband and I have a running joke that our life will completely change the day our son turns 3 years old. Almost everything fun in life is prequeled by this age requirement. Dance, karate, t-ball and piano lessons all have an age minimum of 3. Chutes and Ladders, my first UNO, action figures and anything smaller than the palm of my hand is not recommended for kids under 3 years old.

Our son has been the size of a 3 year old for over a year so, needless to say, we are equal parts anxious and skeptical of this momentous occasion. Having a son the size of a 3 year old before even turning 2 can be challenging. He's huge! He gets into everything and has outgrown any interest in toys for the under 3 set. But he definitely still puts things in his mouth, runs and falls with pointy things like a toy screwdriver (3+) and has yet to develop a healthy fear of electrical outlets. I have found him hanging from the side of his crib trying to escape, almost submerged in the toilet because his waist is higher then the seat, and with a string from the blinds (that was supposedly out of his reach) around his neck!

With all of this 3 year old physical ability, came the emotional trauma of the terrible two's. So when he's doing the wrong thing and you tell him to stop, he falls on the floor in hysterics. Does that just snap off too he turns 3?

Hopeful for all of the maturity that the warning labels claim!

Coke Zero is my Gateway Food

2011-10-20T16:32:00.003-04:00

Like most women, I have been struggling to drop my college/baby weight for years! I have these bursts of health and fitness nirvana where I'm eating well, working out, I have energy and most importantly, motivation to keep going. And then like a sugar high, it just disappears and I turn into this bump-on-a-log person who is always curled up on the couch under a blanket and only gets up to see what's in the refrigerator. I usually blame it on some underlying emotional issue - stress, school, the job search, the realities of being wife and mother. But these things are ongoing and who am I kidding, they will always be there and can't be a reason to "let myself go."

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I fell off the wagon about a month ago after FINALLY breaking the 200 lb barrier that I'd been chasing after. For the first time in almost three years, I weigh less than 200 lbs! Such an achievement should motivate me, not have me binge eating. But I got complacent and after some soul searching, I think Coke Zero was my gateway food. My husband and I are notorious for the sweet tooth - cake, cookies, you name it and we can devour it! But, we had done an excellent job of eliminating sugary beverages. You will never find anything but water and milk in our refrigerator - no juice, no soda. But somehow, Coke Zero made it's way onto the grocery list. I think it was BOGO one day so I grabbed it - Zero Calories, a mini 7.5 oz can - what a great way to satisfy the sweet craving?!

Unfortunately for us, the sweetener in Coke Zero, aspartame, is processed just like sugar. So when you consume it, your body reacts accordingly dispensing insulin and making you feel like you have to eat. Yesterday afternoon, I looked in the fridge with a completely full stomach! I was actively full and searching for food. We had ice cream, cookies and I had just baked a banana, chocolate, coconut loaf (yes, it is delicious). It all smacked me in the face, Coke Zero was my gateway food!

I won't make any unrealistic promises about a new resolve to eat and be healthy. But I will take responsibility for spiraling out of control and falling off the wagon. Here's to a better week and no more Coke Zero at the Fuller House!

Another pearl of wisdom from my one-a-day mommy calendar

2010-07-10T22:32:00.001-04:00

I hope that my child
looking back on today
remembers a mother who had time to play.
Children grow up while you
are not looking;
There'll be years ahead for
cleaning and cooking.
So quiet down cobwebs;
dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and
babies don't keep.
- Author Unknown

In my 13 1/2 months as a mother, by far the most overwhelming part for me has been keeping up with the chores. The role of house manager is not one I was raised to fill and when I lived alone, even when it was just Mike and I, messy was ok. Every now and again it got out of control and Mike and I would buckle down and spend a weekend excavating.

But once Myki arrived, clutter and mess became unacceptable. Especially once he started moving around and absolutely anything on the floor was something to taste or trip over. It seems silly I'm sure, but I obsess over how much I hate cleaning and how one-sided the task seems to be.

But this poem says it all. I can plop Myki in his highchair with TV and Cheerios as his companions while I spend hours on the house or I can spend that time with Myki and settle for the reality that my house is not worthy of a Good Housekeeping spread but my son is having a blast!

Photos from Texas

2010-07-06T23:42:00.002-04:00

Flowers at the wedding - made by the mother of the bride

Posing for a picture at UT-Austin. It was so gorgeous.

Chuck Taylors at the Texas State Capitol Building

Photo Message from the Babysitters - Myki and his empty lunch bowl

My favorite Austin locale - home of the Texas-sized donut - 5 lbs of deliciousness

Everything is Bigger (Maybe Better?) in Texas

2010-07-04T23:29:00.008-04:00

I did it! I cut the cord and let Myki stay in Florida while my Husband and I enjoyed some much-needed adult-only time. I think we agree that there’s no need to make a habit of the separation but, it was healthy and dare I say, fun! So an annual babyless trip might be in our future. It was Mike and I’s first time in Austin, my first time in Texas at all, and we spent four days there in celebration of the union of Jessica Lynd, one of my best friends, and Dante Barros, her Peruvian fiancé who can best be described as one of the warmest and genuine people I’ve ever met.

We arrived in Austin a bit groggy at 11 AM on Thursday and went straight to the hotel to jump on the king size bed and make a game plan for the trip. We headed downtown where I drank my first alcoholic beverage in almost two years; a mango margarita….it was divine. After lunch, we went our separate ways as I headed to the bachelorette party. It was only my second bachelorette party (my own being my first.) Jessica has talked to me about all of her close girlfriends forever and although I’d met some of them briefly and went to school with others, we had never all spent time together. It was actually really wonderful, and especially good timing in my life as my daily interactions are with a 12 month old. I told my husband afterward that I was mutually inspired and intimidated by what all of the bachelorette party attendees had accomplished! Law school, Fulbright Scholars, marriage to the perfect man, working abroad, assisting those who most need it, rubbing elbows with political elite, extensive travel…..it was amazing.

After good conversation and an amazing dinner, we headed to Austin’s 6th Street – the bar and lounge capitol of Texas! On top of not drinking since before being pregnant, I hadn’t been out dancing in something like three years. I never would have imagined years ago that I’d get to the point in my life where dancing was not a regular event. Jess has always danced like no one was watching and that had not changed. I, on the other hand, had trouble moving beyond the bouncing around I do with Myki in my living room. By Saturday’s wedding, I was a bit more loose but as Hannah Barr said, I think I have better moves hiding somewhere within.

Friday morning I headed back to the hotel and despite big plans for the day, I ended up going to sleep and waking up just in time to witness horrendous thunder storms that are NOT conducive to tourism by foot. The rain let up and our little group ventured to Polvo’s Mexican where I gorged myself on some of the best fish tacos I’d ever had…so…much…flavor. I will be trying to recreate them in the coming weeks! And then off to Graham’s Central Station to learn to two-step. Let me tell you that although two-stepping sounds easy, navigating through a roller rink like circle backwards among 100 dancing couples is no easy feat! I am in awe of all the spinning and lack of collisions those authentic cowboys were able to muster.

Saturday brought a homage to the Travel Channel’s Man vs. Food. After wondering around the UT-Austin campus, touring the beautiful State Capitol building and sucking down some 7-Eleven slurpies, Mike and I convinced our entourage to venture almost 40 minutes away to the world famous Salt Lick BBQ, an open pit BBQ restaurant known for its brisket, smoked sausages and pork ribs. These people are serious about their meat! No cornbread or mac and cheese, no fancy cole slaw or sweet baked beans….just some simple sides and bread so you didn’t have to eat the meat alone. It was definitely not what I expected but so delicious!

After rolling out of the Salt Lick, we headed to Round Rock donuts, another world famous locale and home to the Texas-sized donut – a handmade donut in the Texas tradition and literally weighing 5 lbs! They were warm when we got them and quite literally melted in your mouth. Saturday, July 3, 2010 was most definitely a day that will go down in my personal culinary history books! I think I ate more food on this day than I ever had before…and it was all delicious.

After a mad dash back to the hotel and the fastest showers in history, we finally arrived at the main event! The mere sight of the venue knocked the wind out of me. It was so beautiful and the thought and effort that went into every detail were amazing. The guestbook, the flowers, the fans, the seating arrangement, the ceremony, the lighting of the candles, the music and dancing, the dress, oh my god, the dress. I was absolutely in awe of the entire thing and felt so honored to be a part of it. The tears came, of course, but I regained control of myself. It was amazing.

I completely identified with Ellie when she said that compared to this, her wedding was like candy corn, like bracelets you could eat. When I got married, I just couldn’t have fathomed making so many different components happen. I mean, amazing, it’s really all I can say.

I am sure Jess and Dante have an incredible, adventurous, loving and successful journey ahead of them. And reflecting back on this weekend, I am thankful to have witnessed their union and for all of the benefits I reaped from my time in Austin. I reconnected with my husband, commiserated with an incredible group of women, realized that I will not disintegrate if I leave Myki’s side…I was inspired to move out of my comfort zone – maybe I should go to law school, relocate to Texas, get my Ph.D. at UT-Austin, really try to get into the Foreign Service and most definitely, go dancing on a regular basis.

June 2010 Was a Trip!

2010-06-27T20:01:00.002-04:00

I can't beleive I almost let the entire month of June pass by without a post. June was a month full of events and milestones.

June 5 - Myki's First Birthday, Grandma German's arrival and 8 Hours of Economics at UM
June 6 - Myki's First Birthday Pool Party
June 11 - Arrival of Godmother Extraordinaire Stacy
June 12 - Economics Final and Nephew Lion's 4th Birthday Extravaganza at the Palm Beach Zoo
June 13 - Myki's Baptism in Port St. Lucie at Grandma Fuller's Church
June 14 - 15 - Orlando with Madrina Stacy and Bebo
June 20 - Mike's 2nd Father's Day! and Myki's 1st Haircut care of Daddy and Grandpa
June 23 - Michael I, II and III get together for a photo shoot!

and it's not over yet folks!

Be Careful What you Wish For

2010-05-12T11:22:00.003-04:00

When I had my son, I wanted more than anything to be a stay at home mom. I never viewed myself as that kind of person but even when I was pregnant, I just knew that nothing I had to do outside of the home would be as important as him. Everyone told me that knowing me, I'd be miserable at home. That I was such a hard worker and I enjoyed work and I'd be bored.

I didn't think I'd be bored. I thought I'd pour all of that organization and work ethic into my days with Myki. We'd have a schedule better than any daycare. We'd go outside and explore nature, go to play groups, have musical instruments at home to have concerts with. We'd do art projects and science experiments and go the whole day without the TV on! (imagine!) We'd eat healthy balanced meals and have nap time at the same time each day. And while he was napping, I'd clean and catch up on laundry and emails and just have the perfect home and balance. I would be the best damn stay at home mom ever!

I am on Week 3 of this utopia I had wished for and let me tell you, it's not the picnic I'd envisioned. I know, you told me so! But my challenges are not the ones everyone envisioned I'd have. I'm far from bored, I'm elated to be home! But I'm still living in that state of overwhelmed that I've been unable to shake since Myki was born.

I didn't wash my face or brush my teeth today until 10:30 AM! What is that? There are piles of laundry in my bedroom, the floors need to be mopped, the bathroom, ugh, the bathroom, I have a sink full of dirty dishes and Myki is in the t-shirt he slept in because I haven't managed to bathe him yet. He passed out at 10:30 after a particularly difficult morning and I felt complete relief.

Since Myki was born, I've said breastfeeding was the hardest thing I'd ever done. But I change my mind. Being a stay-at-home mom while looking for work, trying to start a business and be a wife is the most difficult thing I've ever done. It feels impossible to keep my day consistent and structured. Each day I have goals for my schedule, my activities with Myki, apply or follow up on job opportunities, get a,b AND c done for my new business idea and clean! And in three weeks, I've met all of those goals maybe once.

I know that there are mami's out there who are not so overwhelmed with it all. They can manage everything and they look great while doing it. What's the secret?

My sister-in-law says it's all a farce. No one can have and do it all. But I can't even manage to make it LOOK like I'm doing it all. The past few days I wonder how I even had time to go to work?!?!

The problem with setting very high expectations is that, if you fall short, it's easy to focus on the failure versus focusing on how close you came and working to do better next time. So here I go, trying to get closer to the bar, onto the goals of the day!

It's easier to do so having been able to unload my rants here. Thanks for reading!

Our Daily Routine

2010-05-05T15:34:00.009-04:00

A snapshot of our daily "routine." I put routine in quotes because I have never been good at routines (diets, working out, planning the work and working the plan), at least not in my personal life. I'm a hell of worker when it comes to working for other people. There's probably something to that.

So everyday I try to adhere to a plan - we'll wake up, breakfast, go for a walk, come home and play, eat, sleep, eat again, watch a movie/tv show, head outside for another 15 minutes of running around and free play until dinner, dinner, bath, bedtime routine and sleep. But meals and naptime never seem to be at the same time each day and my morning walks have gone from consistent, to short, to option in just a week and a half!

But Myki ensures that no matter WHAT our day looks like, we head outside. He starts pacing the living room from the front to the door, jiggle the handle, bang on it, turn around, repeat. So at least once a day, but usually twice, we head outide, if only just outside the door, so he can collect his absolute favorite thing, ROCKS! (what a BOY I have) and putter around in the grass. Today's challenge, getting off the ground with both hands full of rocks, lol. He's figuring this mobility thing out more and more each day.

Myki's First Real Beach Experience

2010-05-05T15:34:00.008-04:00

On Sunday I finally made it to one of my good friend Heather Gray's beach BBQ's. It was Myki's 2nd beach experience but he was only a few months old the first time so practically, this was his first time. I was completely prepared for a meltdown of epic proportions. I didn't know if he's like the feel of the sand, if he'd try to eat it, get it in his eye...I had visions of running up the beach to the showers with a screaming baby rubbing his eyes. But to my shock and pleasure, Myki was right at home! He loved the sand, he found some shells, he crawled at breakneck speeds directly to the water, he splashed and laughed and was the all around fearless and happy baby I know him to be. Silly mami for expecting anything less!

Myki in his "Office" after a hard day Outside

2010-05-05T15:30:00.000-04:00

I think the picture says it all!

There is a Silver Lining

2010-04-27T12:44:00.004-04:00

I hadn't even had a chance to write about my new gig before it was over. After three years at Best Buddies, with various levels of frustration, I finally dedicated myself 100% to finding a new opportunity. It seemed like the dream job - a 20% salary increase, no travel, and working for a cause I was passionate about - the American Diabetes Association. Diabetes is an epidemic, a completely preventable (in the case of Type 2) epidemic. My mom is blind, my uncle an amputee, my father-in-law suffers from bleeding in his eyes, another aunt and uncle, insulin dependent, my husband and I, overweight! If I was going to be away from Myki, what better thing to do than work to improve his future, to help bring reality to a world free from diabetes.

Unfortunately, it wasn't all I'd hoped it would be. The Miami office is in Doral, quite a commute from my Pompano Beach home and they are going through their own growing pains and transition: no real leadership for years, falling short of budget, a complete lack of office procedures and a clique that was hard to penetrate. So in the words of my boss, it wasn't the right fit.

I should have cried, kicked and screamed, told them to fuck off! But I just said thank you and good luck and gathered my things. I think she was right, it wasn't the right fit. I'm sure she and I would disagree on why, but that doesn't really matter. So for the first time in my working career, I find myself unemployed. The instinct is to panic. We have a son, bills, no significant savings account, more bills. And although I've had moments of weakness, moments of whoa is me, I'm trying to keep my head up.

My friends and family have helped, presenting me with incredible support and silver lining proposals:

- God has something bigger in mind for you.
- Good riddance, who wants to be aggravated every day
- It has nothing to do with you, you know that.

So I'm going to take my time, find that perfect opportunity - near home, good pay, security. And while I'm searching, I'll be able to focus on the important things that have fallen to the wayside....the 30 lbs I need to loose to be below my at-risk weight for diabetes, reading books to my son, maintaining a clean and safe home for my family, calling my relatives, sending email updates to the world, being the best, mother, wife, sister, daughter, in-law, friend I can be and hopefully, writing in my blog! Hopefully I haven't lost all of my audience.

The American Way

2010-04-19T10:41:00.001-04:00

Jacquelynne Powers, of the Miami NewTimes, pointed out some grease-laden irony in a recent blog post: From now until May 23, KFC is launching Buckets For The Cure with the Susan G. Komen for the Cure, which promotes breast cancer awareness. The fast-food outlet will donate 50 cents for every pink bucket of chicken, with the ultimate goal of raising $8.5 million dollars. All of this sounds very admirable...until you look at KFC's other newsworthy launch this week.They introduced the world to the Double Down "sandwich": an artery-clogging extravaganza that replaces buns with deep-fried chicken filets, with melted cheese and bacon strips in between. It has 540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1,380 milligrams of sodium. So the Colonel is raising money for cancer while selling food that increases the risk of diabetes, heart attacks and all manner of other health problems.Maybe ironic isn't the best word. Hypocrisy might be a better fit.
From Slashfood Tweets
www.slashfood.com

Wal-Mart

2010-04-05T20:07:00.002-04:00

Intellectually, I know that Wal-Mart is evil, that although everything is cheaper, it comes at a cost. And when I first moved to Florida, I did not shop there. My husband was adamant that we would not support Wal-Mart, no matter what. But as a Mami, I have to say that Wal-Mart has persuaded me to look the other way at their questionable practices. I'm not proud of that fact, and I wish it weren't so, but it is the truth.

First, as everyone knows, mother or not, babies are freaking expensive! And when you've only go double digits in the bank account and need a laundry list of things, it only makes sense to hit up the local Wal-Mart.

Their latest invention for moms is INGENIOUS! Check out this little seat. Usually, if you go out with Baby, you pretty much have to count on not being able to pee, praying the shopping cart fits in the family bathroom or, when desperate, using the bathroom while holding baby on your lap. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hover, hold and control a 10 month old with just one hand and ensure he doesn't touch anything gross in a public restroom? I was in Wal-Mart for some weekly necessities and had to go so badly. Tried to bring the cart in - wouldn't fit. Fine, I guess I'll hold him. Well pop into the family stall and there it is. It was strategically out of reach of anything gross, had a belt that held his shoulders in place and he actually seemed to enjoy the thing very much! Amazing. I hate to say it but kudos to Wal-Mart.

Highlights from my One-A-Day Mommy Calendar

2010-03-10T11:41:00.002-05:00

"In the final analysis, it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings."
- Ann Landers

"Your child is unaware that you serve on two community boards, work 30 hours a week, and volunteer at the animal shelter every other weekend. She is acutely aware, however, that you swear when you drive by a police car, wear your pajamas to walk her to the bus stop , and don't always pick up the phone when you see that your mother is calling."
- an important point for a mom who works 40 hours a week, commutes 10 hours a week, goes to school 8 hours a week and is involved in both the grad and undergrad chapters of her sorority...

Nostalgia

2010-02-28T09:18:00.007-05:00

Brushing my teeth!

Whew...what a whirlwind it's been since the 5 month update. Since then, Myki has grown and GROWN! He is walking with support, pushing anything that moves through our living room (see below). He has FIVE teeth! And last week, we started brushing them! He gets a kick out of that. He is literally off the charts in height at 32" and in the 90th percentile in weight at 23 lbs. The height we were expecting but he's so lean....who knew the child of voluptious and robust would be so skinny.

Myki turns 9 months next week. This time has flown by so quickly. My best friend just had a baby last week...Christian James. And she sent me pictures of his birthday...those first groggy moments when they bring you the baby, he lays on your chest, you just breathe him in...he looks at you serenly. Ugh it was so bittersweet...I was so happy for her, happy that she had opened that door in her life and just so nostalgic for those moments with Myki. As amazing as it is to see him grow, it is sad to know I won't ever have those moments back...

It's been so long

2010-01-23T21:05:00.004-05:00

My publico! Hopefully you haven't lost faith in me. November 20 and a five-month old Myki were such a long time ago! But I've been a very busy bee (yes, I now watch children's cartoons). Some highlights from my last few months:

Myki turned 6 months old! And then 7 months old! Time is just flying by. He is so perfect and learning something new each and every day. He's eating 3 meals a day now and has sprouted two more teeth. He's going to walk and talk any day now. The babbling is becoming increasingly coherent - na ta da da, ga! And he has stood a few times by himself...and then he realizes he's not holding on and falls on his butt, it is super cute. He hasn't been to the doctor in a while (yay!) but my experiments with our bathroom scale tell me he's 23 lbs...so big! And he's probably around there because he's wearing 18-24 months and the clothes fit to a T!

Our first family Thanksgiving and Christmas were also tons of fun and totally busy! ....

Myki Update - 5 months

2009-11-20T01:22:00.004-05:00

There has not been a Myki update in quite some time. The role of mother, wife, employee is much more demanding than I'd anticipated and extra energy for blogging is a blessing I rarely have....never mind energy for the other hats I wear - friend, daughter, sister....it seems those things have fallen to the wayside.

Part of that is the situation - nighttime events really aren't my friend and no one is all that interested in doing things centered around a baby. Plus, we have some liquidity issues and entertainment is far from free. But some of the isolation is most definitely self-inflicted. I'm happy to be in my house with my bebo. If we go out, he has to remain strapped into his car seat or stroller or in my arms...a position we both love but one he is quickly outgrowing.

Which brings me to the actual Myki update...well, many updates since it has been so long. Let me go in order.

1. He has two little teeth! 5 months old and he has teeth...the time is flying. His dad and I were equally elated and devastated when we discovered this development. Wow, he's growing! (smile) Wow, he's growing so fast! (frown)

2. He is fully also mobile...crawling, getting into absolutely everything, sitting up, launching from a sit-up, trying to climb up Mami and Daddy and lastly, standing with support! That last part is just such a shocker to me.

So, here is a new photo of my little Speedy Gonzalez.

In other news, Mike and I are working on professional photos for his 6 monthday and a Christmas card - stay tuned!

Supermom!

2009-09-28T22:09:00.004-04:00

Working in special events is simultaneously wonderful and horrendous. It's great to never be bored and to always have a new goal to reach (because the goals just get higher and higher.) But now that I have Myki, sometimes I long for a boring job, a job I could just leave at the office. Intellectually, I know that a boring job, a bare minimum kind of a job, could never fulfill me but again, the demands of a 4 month old are persuasive.

The positive is that my 4 month old does not only persuade but inspire. He let's me know that I can do it - I can be his mom (a good mom) and excel at my job, I can keep my house clean and prepare good food for my family, I can exclusively breastfeed and endure a two hour commute to the office, I can even wake up at 5 AM each and every morning to help my husband get some extra overtime (after waking up at 3 AM to feed my son). And I can swim (see photo!) I can also coax out giggles with the best of them and I can always, always get a smile.

Some recent displays of my supermom abilities:

- today I endured the stench of a Tri-Rail bathroom to pump much needed milk for my bebo

- on Friday, I nursed Myki on one knee holding my boob with one hand, held the phone to my ear with my shoulder and actively participated in a conference call while balancing my laptop on my other knee and typing with the other hand. For those of you who have seen me, holding my boob is a feat in itself, never mind conference calling, holding a 16 lb baby and typing.

- I navigated the grocery store on Saturday with an inconsolable 3 month old - by the time I was done, I had gotten all of the groceries I needed and soothed my baby to sleep with a finger and a washcloth, yes, I am like the McGuyver of moms!

Myki Discovered his Thumb!

2009-08-26T17:08:00.003-04:00

What an eventful couple of weeks. I have been overwhelmed (my new favorite word as a working mother) the past few weeks and oh how I have missed sharing my life and Myki's special moments on this blog!

So I've promised myself I will try to post on here every few days, even if it is a short entry!

Not sure if you remember my workout post a few weeks ago. The following week I did an excellent job of going to workout, walking with Myki, eating right (lots of fruit and salad) and lost 2 of those pesky 12 pounds. Unfortunately, my budget and my life smacked me in the face and the past two weeks have not been so successful. I will persevere! Starting today I'm going to track my calories and see if I can keep chiseling away at the baby weight.

This past Friday Myki rolled over! I kept putting him back on his tummy and he kept rolling right over. My eyes filled with tears, I yelled, I laughed, I put on a show - and he just looked up at my like, what Mami? this is how we roll - literally. Video to come of this precious moment. Unfortunately he hasn't rolled over since but as his Grandma said, he's focused on some other things...

Like his thumb! He has found his thumb and it goes straight in his mouth. Although my brain knows this is a pesky habit, my heart thinks it's the cutest thing ever - his thumb is so little!! And it's given Mami a bit of a break because he can now soothe himself with his thumb. He's had much more tummy time as a result. He tries to roll over, walk even, gets frustrated and starts sucking. Again, super cute!

We are t minus a week and a half to our big work trip to California. Myki will be serving as my personal assistant for the week! (toted around by his Grandma Fuller :-)

Other highlights since the last posting included our first dip in the ocean, and an encore at the pool (I think the pool made more of an impact!), graduation to size 4 diapers (the largest size is 6, potty-training must begin quickly), testing out the exersaucer and succeeding! and meeting our Auntie Crystal for the first time!

Time is flying!

Myki's Video Debut

2009-08-17T15:54:00.003-04:00

This was fantastic. It was the first time Myki really SAW the toys hanging down.

We sing, we eat, we sleep.

This is how we spend our days. I usually get a much better reaction from Lindas Manitos but of course, no so much when I video tape! :-)

12 Pounds

2009-07-25T23:18:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking for quite some time that I should blog about my post-partum weight loss. I've played with the idea of starting a separate blog completely dedicated to weight loss - Bringing Sexy Back - or something equally as clever. Yes, I fancy myself clever.

I am horrified at the thought of looking the way I look right now, forever. With the beauty of pregnancy and the miracle of childbirth comes the misery of post-partum. I was distracted from the horror of it for the first 4 weeks, just completely wrapped up in my baby boy. But as he and I have gotten ourselves into a groove, I've had a few more minutes to myself and a few more minutes to linger in front of the mirror after a shower or scrutinize the photos of myself and Myki that I'm sending off to family and friends.

I still look huge! In the photos, you can see how my pre-pregnancy clothes are stretched to capacity to cover a wider frame. I'm left with not much of a waist and my stomach looks as if it has literally deflated causing my skin to hang down in all its stretch-marked glory. Combine that with what nursing has done to my breasts and I am the picture of saggy skin.

Now, I was fully aware that my post-partum body would not look ideal. My problem, is the fear I have in getting it back to what it looked like before...and ideally, continuing to work on it until I look the way I did in college. Funny how fat I thought I was then.

Unfortunately I have a lazy streak and I've never been much for working out. This is why I've been hesitant to post on the weight loss issue. Once I put it out here in cyberspace, I will be held accountable...I will have to really work on my weight and more importantly, my health.

So here it is, my pledge to work really hard to overcome my laziness and get into shape. I gained 55 lbs in my pregnancy...I walked into the hospital on June 4, 2009 weighing 250 lbs. I am now down to 207 lbs. My goal is to be at my pre-pregnancy weight of 195 by the time Myki is 3 months old (September 5) and to be at my ideal weight of 160 by the time he is 1 year old. I want to have the energy to go outside and run after my son everyday...to help him learn to play sports, swim, ride a bike and just enjoy activity. So I will work to do something physical each and every day - go for a walk, pop in a workout DVD, visit the stroller strides class I just discovered online, maybe even go for a swim. And I commit to post monthly on my progress.

For now, I find solace in my progress thus far (the benefits of nursing!) and revel in the fact that I'm just 12 lbs from my pre-preggo weight.

Wowzers

2009-07-22T22:02:00.002-04:00

We just got back from the Dr's office and our baby boy weighs a whopping 13 lbs. That means he's gained 2 lbs in a week and a half. Amazing for a baby who left the hospital refusing to breastfeed. He's wearing a size 3 diaper and clothes that are 3-6 months. I'm amazed at how quickly he's growing and already nostalgic for the day when he was 8 lbs, 10 ounces.

A Day in the Life

2009-07-21T12:03:00.007-04:00

As my maternity leave comes to an end, I marvel at the past six weeks. My son has grown so much in this time. He has literally grown 2 inches and gained at least 4 lbs. He's now round and chubby. He reacts to my voice, to my face, my touch, to music and movement.

Yesterday was a fun-filled day of activity. We woke up at around 8:30 am and sat in our trusty recliner for breakfast. As Michael nursed and stared up at me, I read him a segment from "The Time Traveler's Wife," my first grown-up read in months that doesn't have to do with pregnancy or baby care. He dozed off on a full belly and woke up an hour later wide-eyed and bushy-tailed. He had a mid-morning snack and off to the living room to play.

I put him on his belly for tummy time. The pediatrician says to put him on his belly whenever he's awake so he can learn to lift his head, do baby push-ups and eventually, roll over. He is an expert head lifter and can get about halfway up on his arms for push-ups. Unfortunately, his exercise only lasts about 10 minutes as he gets frustrated with not being able to look around the room or flip himself over. Even his frustration is adorable though.

Once we've hit his cap on tummy time, we move to his back on his new play mat (care of Titi Dionne). He is entranced by the mirror and stares at his beautiful self in awe. He starts to protest at not being held but I begin the music and his protest subsides. I may have a musician on my hands because music and singing always seems to do the trick. We hang out there for a while and when that gets old, we move on to his song stage and mirror...another present. I get some smiles out of that one.

Myki starts sucking on his fingers, a sign that it is mealtime once again. I tune into some HGTV (a maternity leave obsession) as he eats lunch and ponder when I'll get to make my own lunch (it's not 2:15). He doses off and I start to nod off myself so I skip lunch in favor of an afternoon nap. I put him in my bed with me...a no-no, I know but sometimes when we're alone, I can't help myself. I wake up at 4:15 as Daddy blows up my phone wondering where we are. Myki wakes up just as I finish off a very late lunch.

Then off to a relaxing bath so that he smells good for Daddy.

I left out the diaper changes which are oh so much fun as you can imagine. You really do just need to laugh when you change a little boys diaper. At least 50% of the diaper changes end up in messes to be cleaned up. That air hitting his backside when you open the diaper usually prompts a "reaction."

Mike and I then enjoy a yummy (and more and more healthy since baby) dinner with Myki looking on from his rocker. A wonderful end to my day, dinner with my boys.

Thank You Baby Michael

2009-07-06T14:36:00.004-04:00

What a whirlwind month....yes a month! Michael turned a month old yesterday and although I feel like the time has just flown by, so much has happened in that month. From walking into the hospital with soggy pants on June 4 to the dreaded c-section on the 5th and finally meeting my son at 11 PM, my Dad's two week visit (the help and company was such a blessing), Mike and I's very overwhelming and emotional bouts in those first weeks as we adjusted to our new roles as parents, little Michael's first look of recognition on Father's Day (he was horrified that his grandmother took him from me - yes, there was a pouty bottom lip) and that first gummy smile a few days later while I read to him, 3 Doctor's visits and a whopping 10 lb weigh-in, bath time progressing from absolute hysterics to a few whimpers of discomfort, many late nights in my recliner nursing, then burping, then trying to figure out how to put my son down and get some sleep, the worries of acid reflux, my breastfeeding struggles, the many gifts and tons of phone calls...it has all combined to be the most challenging and rewarding month of my life.

I've been reminded how blessed I am with fantastic friends, family and coworkers. Myki's fully stocked room and the stack of gift cards we have yet to spend is a testament to that. And I have been challenged - each day I wonder if tomorrow I'll give in and give him formula instead of being a slave to his nursing needs and the sore nipples they have caused. Each day I set another goal - today, I will do laundry; today, I will clean my room, or the kitchen; today, I will attempt to write in my blog and call 3 people back. Sometimes I am successful, most times I'm not but slowly, I'm finding the energy and stolen moments to begin fulfilling my responsibilities again.

I'm still not sure if I'll make it to a year of exclusive breastfeeding as I'd originally planned. My ability to keep my house clean and orderly while working and taking care of Myki is also in question...hell, my ability to start working again is in question. But each day I get at least one big, bright smile, a few calm moments with my snuggle bucket and little expressions and actions that make me laugh and smile. Each day I watch my baby (wow, my baby) grow and learn and those moments have caused an optimism in me that I thought had been lost long ago.

We Have Arrived!!

2009-06-22T17:54:00.005-04:00

June 27 and it's been 3 weeks since Michael III entered my life. When I wrote my last post, this moment seemed so far away. I could never have imagined how much I love him and how much I've enjoyed taking care of him and watching him grow these past three weeks.

Our Birth Story:
My water broke on Thursday, June 4 at work...what the hell I was doing at work I still wonder. I went to the bathroom and just thought I'd had an accident or something. But the flow just kept coming and no one has to pee that much! So I tentatively hobbled from the bathroom to the office and urgently pulled aside a coworker who has an infant. "I think my water just broke," I told her and described what happened. She confirmed, "your water broke."

Unable to sit at my cubicle leaking amniotic fluid, I ducked into another coworker's office with a towel for cover and got on the phone. I called the Doctor's office where the nurse told me to "get to the hospital" with an urgency I wasn't expecting. Then I called my husband who I fear didn't quite beleive this was happening....and my mom and dad.

With Mike stuck in traffic, two of my coworkers had to take me to the hospital. The ride was uneventful - none of the huffing, puffing and screaming of TV labor. I was all settled at the hospital and 2 hours had passed since my water broke - and no contractions. Strange.

So they gave me medication to induce labor. And...I labored.....for 27 hours. I had 3 shifts of nurses come and go. It's amazing the range of quality in people who have all supposedly recieved the same training. It was really the night nurse who got me through - she was my own personal drug dealer...but with a sympathetic voice that made any guilt I had over taking medication go away. "I can give you a little sleeping medication, just a little something to relieve the pain, take the edge off..." And after hours of deep breathes and clenched fists, I acquiesed. Then the morning came and with it, some progress and the epidural.

I had read that the baby has to be delivered within 24 hours of your water breaking or there's a risk of infection. So at 22 hours, I was a bit panicked! "Get my baby out of there!" I thought desperately. But the doctor eased my fears assuring me that the risk of infection was to me, not the baby. I guess that was a relief? At 24 hours, I begged to be checked once again. Almost 7 centimeters dilated (I had to get to 10 before I could push and it had taken 3 hours to get from 6 to 7) and the baby was at 0 station (he had 4 more levels to go). Unprepared for 9 more hours of labor, I broke down into tears and asked for a c-section. I NEVER thought I'd actually ask for the c-section.

Even the doctor seemed relieved. So the medication stopped and with it, the labor. Reassurance to me that I wasn't going to hit that 10 centimeters on my own. And we all waited for the operating room to be available. I was prepared for the c-section, anxious to meet my baby - Michael or Gabriella - we still didn't know.

I will spare everyone the gory details of the c-section. Suffice it to say that I was terrified and I'm convinced that pressure is actually a code word for pain. But thank god for morphine and epidurals and good doctors because Michael was delivered at 6:10 PM on Friday, June 5, 2009 safe and sound. A little horrified at being forcibly removed from his cacoon I think, but safe and sound nonetheless.

38 Weeks.....Are We There Yet?

2009-05-31T20:34:00.004-04:00

As elated as I have been and still am to be pregnant, my level of mental exhaustion has steadily increased since my last post more than a month ago. In this time, my thoughts on pregnancy have slowly shifted from daily positives to a group of daily complaints that I try hard not to express but, they just overcome me. I am over it. I am over the swollen feet (check out my Easy Spirit sneakers!) and legs, the feeling that both have been severely bruised, the sensation that I've been hit between my legs with a baseball bat, the exhaustion, back pain, increasingly red and itchy stretchmarks (see photo #1), and the intensely painful underside of my belly, a photo of which I will spare you. Never mind the 3-6 times I wake up in the middle of the night to heave myself out of bed and pee, the periodic insomnia and a general sense of immobility.

But the positives do still exist. I found a really great church that I imagine our new family attending together....it just feels right. My nesting instinct is in full speed - the baby's room is all set-up and despite my lack of mobility, I managed to put everything together, wash everything else, set it all up and then just look at it with a big smile on my face.

So it's not all bad. But, I think it's safe to say both Mike and I are over being expectant parents and looking forward to being new parents. Hopefully Baby Fuller cooperates with our desires. Just 10 days to go!

Just the Two of Us

2009-04-20T07:07:00.003-04:00

Today is Mike and I's first wedding anniversary. It was a year ago today that most of our loved ones trekked from across the east coast, the islands and even Bolivia, to watch a teary-eyed couple exchange vows (2 hours after they were scheduled to begin) on the stage / alter of the Miami Beach Botanical Gardens. It was such a perfect day and I remember that all I wanted was for the day to continue, to remain in that moment as long as I could.

And now, at the end of our newliwededness, I find myself in awe of our first year as man and wife. I am 8 months pregnant! We live in a beautiful apartment in Pompano of all places. I finally got the bedroom furniture I'd been talking about for our entire year and a half of engagement. We are both gainfully employed, we live on a budget but are finally NOT broke, we have a lot of fun just sitting in our apartment going back and forth and he still manages to make me laugh, feel beautiful, smart and appreciated each and every day. It is not your traditional fairytale but definitely my fairy tale.

This weekend, we spent a night at the Hyatt Bonaventure Resort & Spa....a last hurrah if you will, a weekend "away" for just the two of us before we begin the awesome stage ahead. We slept in a kind size bed with no less than 20 pillows (yes, I know it is hard to believe but Mike and I don't have a king bed! despite our obvious mass). We ate out the whole weekend, spent hours lounging by the pool and yes, I had pancakes! My husband also treated me to a much needed foot treatment at the Red Door Spa at the hotel, my first spa experience and unfortunately for him, I think I'm addicted. We came back home and topped off the day with a shopping spree for baby! I could have bought out the store, it was all just so cute. Mike didn't give me the chance, he pulled the cart into the check-out and started scanning items before I could scoop everything up. Probably for the best as despite his best efforts, our tab was definitely higher than expected.

Today, as I reflect on the year we had, I am grateful. I am happy. And I am optimistic about our future. I know this is the first year of many.

Perspective

2009-04-13T13:01:00.002-04:00

Someone emailed this to me...one of the many chains we all get. But it was good timing I think. I have periodic panic attacks about this massive responsibility that is about to come my way (8 and a half weeks to go!). But this defintiely puts things in perspective. Not to say I beleive in all of these things but, it's a reminder that there's no need to go overboard!

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes. Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY? Because we were always outside playing....that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.. And, we were O..K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?

2009-04-09T19:40:00.004-04:00

Working at an organization that works with and for people with intellectual disabilities is an interesting sensation when you are pregnant. When I applied for my initial position at Best Buddies two years ago, I had no personal connection....I was just desperately seeking a job in Miami and thought, Special Events, why not?

In the last two years, I have learned so much about people with intellectual disabilities. I have learned that there is much more to personality than IQ and that although these people may be lower functioning than the "average" person, they may also be higher functioning in another area. They have their talents and things they can contribute to society and perhaps more importantly, conversation. They don't need to be shut down. This is a far cry from my initial thoughts on ret**ted people, a term I now know is nothing less than offensive. And although I am not always as patient with this group as I should be, I do now value them.

But, it is one thing to accept and appreciate something outside of your life and family and quite another to think about it inside those sacred walls. All of my tests have been perfect and I have had a wonderful pregnancy. And knock on wood, it will continue to be so and my baby's delivery will be complication free. But in the past two weeks, I've found myself in many conversations with my coworkers on the lives of two of our other coworkers who have intellectual disabilities. Margaret has down syndrome and Joyce, well I don't know that she has a specific condition, I think she just has a low IQ. Both of them are close to 60 and live with their mothers, who I always imagine to be somewhere near 100.

Mike and I were watching the Final Four last week and every time they zoomed in on a player's parents, I would joke that Mike and I need to start saving now so we can go watch our son play in the Final Four. I have fantasies about all of the vacations we will take across the country and the globe, exposing our baby, child, tween, teen to all that travel has to offer. I've already told Mike that we need to encourage all of our kids to go away to college because my college experience away was just so fantastic! And I've thought about whether it would be more beneficial to play the piano or the guitar. Would we be able to do all of those things, dream those big dreams, if our baby had some sort of "situation?" And what is it like to be 60, 70, 80, 90 and still worrying about whether or not your "child" can take care of herself? The thought is overwhelming.

I really don't have any feeling that my baby will have any type of challenge. He/She will be perfect - healthy, strong, smart, funny even :-) And something tells me that despite challenges, I'd probably be convinced by baby was all of those things anyway. But it does make you pray a little more, watch your diet a little more closely, not push those limits. And I think this whole chain of thought has the potential to make me better at my job...it makes everything a bit more personal. Perhaps even makes me a better advocate for a population I ignored only 2 years ago.

Itchy Belly, Swollen Feet and Sexuality

2009-04-02T20:15:00.003-04:00

As I round the home stretch (10 weeks to go!), I find I am working harder and harder towards that inner peace and optimism that seemed to come so naturally only two weeks ago.

It's taken me a while to be able to admit this in cyberspace, but I am the unfortunate victim of what seem to be some pretty serious stretchmarks. They are bright red - like actual wounds....and span the very bottom of my belly (underneath, that part I can't really see) all the way up to the belly bottun which they frame in all it's popped out glory. They are really horrific and no matter how much I lather on the cocoa butter and the baby oil, they are only getting larger. It's sad really, I had really nice skin on my belly....my husband always pointed out how smooth it was.

I used to wear a 7 1/2 shoe....the last pair I bought was a 9....can you believe that?? And, like stretchmarks, I've heard the larger feet don't ever go back to how they were. It's a miracle people have so many kids; with all of these permanent dysfunctions it's hard to imagine feeling sexy again. The worst part of my foot situation is the swelling. I could probably manage an 8 1/2 if the width of my feet didn't double towards the end of each day. I mean, the saying "my feet swelled up like sausages" was never more true. Instead of being flat on the bottom and kind of flat across the top, my feet are literally cylinders from which peep pink Vienna sausages. And kneeling down - forget about it! I tried to look under the bed today and my legs are so swollen that it felt like I might actually burst.

I am also very much on the irritable side. I berated my husband for not doing the laundry or the dishes....as if miraculously he would begin doing something he never does. I got home today and knocked a glass over. The shards still fan around the kitchen because really, I can't bring myself to deal with it. And my patience for other people is waining. Today when I left work, I had 4 bags to lug to the car and, as per usual, no one thought to ask me for help. And usually I ask for help because why make myself suffer because other people are lazy or rude. But today, I just couldn't do it. My feet looked like sausages (as seen through the house slippers I put on to leave work), I was walking at a snail's pace - hobbling really - quite obviously struggling to put one foot in front of the other and my bags kept falling off of my shoulders so I'd have to stop and slowly teeter downward without loosing my balance to pick it up again. It was really pathetic. And although people can comment on how big my belly is and say "awww, baby" 100x, they don't seem to notice (how convenient) when I may need some common courtesy. Really it's a shame. And I just didn't speak to anyone on the way home...I couldn't play nice - I was pissed!

But since this is supposed to be my positive space, I will end on some more positive notes.

My baby is quite the little gymnast. He/She flips and kicks, punches and turns around, plays head, shoulder, knees and toes, knees and toes and then flips around again. It's amazing to watch.

My husband told me yesterday that the impossible has occurred - my belly dwarfs my chest! My whopping triple D's look puny compared to the wonder that is Baby Fuller. I had to laugh at that since I'm sure he NEVER could have imagined calling anything about my breasts small.

I daydream about a slimmer, happier Mr. & Mrs. Fuller frolicking around a park with our baby. I feel like he/she can make us better, make us push ourselves to be the best we can be (not to be cliched). So I hope that we will get in shape, continue our ambitions and be happy and I can see it. I can see it. It is out there in the universe waiting for me.

And the last high note, a check-out person in ghetto a** Pompano Beach.....she asked if I was having a c-section and I said "I hope not." And she said "oh lawd...I had two babies and they had to cut them outta me, I couldn't push them out. They would've stretched my junk all big" - picture a woman in a McDonald's uniform holding her hands in a circle about the size of a watermelon. Mike and I just laughed at the insanity. Then, the next customer is a man and she asks him if he has kids and he does. So she asked if his wife delivered vaginally (at McDonald's!) and he said she did. And the checkout lady makes that face you make when you walk by a stinky dumpster and asks "that didn't make you loose your sexuality for her??" I just had to walk away, I had to take a step back.....your sexuality for her?? What is wrong with people. LOL.

Preggo Update - 7 months and counting....

2009-03-24T12:00:00.000-04:00

I am officially 7 months and 5 days pregnant today....only a little under 3 months to go, less than 12 weeks; 79 days to be exact, a mere 1,896 hours! My obsessions with reading and talking about pregnancy, birth and infants have continued.

My most recent read - a book called Baby Matters that discusses attachment parenting. There seems to be a name for everything involving babies. Attachment parenting is the opposite of detached parenting. It is the rejection of theories that reinforce not holding the baby too much because it will "spoil" him. It says the idea that getting the baby out of your room and into the nursury asap is ridiculous. It rebuffs the thought that more crying strengthens babies' lungs and bawlks at the suggestion that any woman would be unable to breastfeed. Attachment parenting says that cow's milk was made for no other living being than baby cows and that the more affection, touch and literal attachment moms can provide to their babies results in more independent and self-confident babies, toddlers, children and adults.

Detachment parenting, on the other hand, leads to insecure children; babies who are left alone before they're ready and left with an emptiness and decreased sense of self as a result. This book claims detached parenting leads to long term life problems and explains everything from heightened rates of ADHD to illnesses like diabetes and cancer and even increased divorce rates and Americans' growing inability to maintain healthy, committed relationships.

In reading this book, I don't know if I agree with all of it. Like the concept of letting your child ween when they're ready (and as a result, nursing a 5 year old) or the thought that babies are absolutely safer in bed with their parents (Mike and I weight close to 500 lbs in a queen bed - lots of potential for a crushed baby). But the rest of it makes a lot of sense. If everytime I fell or stumbled or felt uncomfortable, no one was there to catch me or fix the problem, or they took a while to get to me, I'd be really scared to fall, stumple or reach any point of discomfort. But if my parents were always there, always reinforcing how wonderful and able I was, always catching me when I fell, then I would feel secure that everything will be ok. It makes perfect sense if you put yourself in the shoes (or booties) of an infant.

It does seem almost unnatural to worry about teaching an infant to be independent. They're not suppossed to be independent yet. They need you. In this sense, attachment parenting is a beautiful concept....and very instinctual. My desire to nurture and take care of my growing belly increases each and every day. I assume the same will be true of the actual baby.

So, lessons learned now that I've hit 7 months of pregnancy:

- There's no need to worry. Mothering is instinctual and, with the help of my trusty village, I will find my way.

- Optimism is a pregnant ladies BEST FRIEND. Examples:
1. Swollen ankles are nothing but an opportunity to sit in a recliner with my feet up for 4 hours. 2. That feeling like someone beat me up between my legs (medical term: round ligament pain) is just a sign that my baby is healthy growing and STRONG!
3. The fact that my life revolves around the restroom, sleep, hydration and eating is definitely good training for caring for a newborn.
4. People are just nicer to you when you're pregnant, especially your husband.
5. Getting fat is ok - and it's an excuse for new clothes.
6. Being woken up at 5 AM by hunger pains and a flailling baby is ok. It means you get to eat (something I love) and play with the baby. By playing I mean, when he/she kicks, I push back in that same spot, then he/she pushes back in the same spot and I try to touch it, and it goes on - 30 minutes later I'm still cracking up at it all and I'm confident that Michael/Gabriella knows I'm there.
...I could go on and on...

- I am really blessed with friends and loved ones. People come out of the woodworks for a Baby!

- If I can read THIS MUCH baby material, I can study for my GMAT and go get my MBA. (Random I know, but we find inspiration in the oddest places.)

- 2 baby showers later, it's confirmed, I really love baby things! So far, baby socks are my favorite.

Baby Shower # 2 - Miami, FL

2009-03-20T19:09:00.006-04:00

This past Sunday, Mike and I were blessed with baby shower number 2! It was another intimate affair of 10 or so at Perricone's Marketplace Cafe in Brickell, Miami....home of delicious gelatto, canolli's and salmon salad!

It was so fantastic. I really loved it. We got some pretty great baby essentials - stroller and car seat, play center (exersaucer thing), baby spa, diaper genie (no to the stinkies!), adorable socks and gloves and some fabulous gift cards that I look forward to spending. And my girlfriends Kali and Heather made some great games with horrifyingly embarrassing questions like - How many times did Mike and Pamela date before she gave up the goods? What position were they in when baby Fuller was conceived? - these alongside of the traditional - Who do you think will change the first diaper? Who's more likely to cry at the delivery? Further highlights of the shower included a word search where diaper was accompanied by cock ring and prizes like 3XL granny panties and lube! I couldn't have dreamed of planning something so fun! And, to my husband's horror, his parents and sister were there to celebrate with us. I think even they could appreciate the hilarity of it all. And I really enjoyed their answers to How many times we dated before I gave up the goods - Mom - 80, Dad - 100, Adriane - eww! (I can't remember what she wrote, but that's what she said!). Good times had by all.

Kali and Heather did such a great job and the buzz around the office is that my shower was really fun. I was so happy to have one. A part of me (a big part of me) still feels foreign to South Florida so, like my bachlorette party (also planned by two of my fabulous coworkers turned friends - Sarah and Heather and equally as inappropriate - sex toy party!), I was kind of baffled to have a group of people to celebrate with! Silly, I know. Just further evidence of my village I suppose. Thank god for villages.

The Mommy Wars

2009-03-12T21:46:00.003-04:00

My most recent pregnancy obsession has been birthing stories. At almost 7 months, I think it's about time that I get a better idea of what this whole childbirth process is all about...beyond TV labor scenes compressed into 30 minute segments. I went into the research feeling pretty confident of a few things:

- I wanted to try really, really hard to go without the pain drugs and have a natural birth.

- I'm terrified by the thought of a c-section.

- Episiotomy must be a male doctor's invention....

- And I'm hoping to nurse as soon after the birth as possible.

So, following my trusty pregnancy blog PregTASTIC, I ordered the book Deliver This! off of eBay. It's a book that non judgmentally describes all of the birth options from a home birth to a scheduled c-section.

The book opens discussing the mommy wars - the ongoing battle between breastfeeding and bottles, home schooling vs. public school vs. private schools, stay at home moms vs. working moms, organic vs. non, etc. The judgement that some moms project onto other moms for choosing an option different from their own. And according to the author, the root of these judgements is an insecurity that if someone else's choice is different than yours, yours must be wrong. I really related to this concept. And I think it transcends into the things all woman judge others on. Think about why you would call someone a prude, or why you'd call them a whore....because they're doing something different from the decisions you've made about your sexuality. Or why you'd talk about someone's diet....whether they are on the strictest or such or eating whatever they'd like, it's different from what you're doing and maybe reflects what you and this person look like....so we comment on both extremes.

So I discuss my new knowledge and reflection with my husband who nods supportively and kind of smirks (because he thinks, probably not inaccurately, that I'm one of the most judgemental people he knows) and pats my hand a little patronizingly and tells me he hopes I can continue reflecting and NOT judging.

I continue reading and discover a new play called Birth...something like the Vagina Monologues but with birth stories instead of stories from your vagina. And I listen to one of the testimonials of birthing story by a Birth supporter. During her home birth, her midwife (or soul bringer as she called her) told her to fight the pain with noise and just yell. Her young daughter (4 or 5) served as her "doula" cheering her on as she went through the contractions. She nursed her husband (yes, you read that correctly) in an effort to help her contractions along. And her midwife had to stick her hand up inside her to help the baby's head out. Picture it all happening at once. Mom screaming and pushing while midwife sticks her hand inside her and Dad nurses....you the new big sister looking on.

It just seemed insane to me! As natural as birth is, it seems a bit much for a child to process. And seeing my mom scream and grunt in pain bearing down on a midwifes hand....naked....while my Dad sucks on her breast?? I mean, what could a child make of that. Of course my next move is to call my husband and talk about how crazy that seemed and ban him from putting his mouth anywhere near my titimilk (our personal phrase for breast milk) during labor or after. And he laughed at me, followed by a reminder of the judgmental base of the mommy wars. And told me I should start practicing now.

He humbled me.

My research on childbirth will probably continue until the moment my labor begins but so far, I've learned a lot. I'm still pretty much convinced of my initial thoughts. But I've added a few more:

- If it doesn't go exactly how I want it too, it'll still be ok.

- Alternative options may just provide the relief I'll need while in the throws of labor.

- And birthing options are probably as individual as the children that result from them.

My Village - Washington, DC

2009-03-04T22:28:00.000-05:00

Mis amigas!

Why Lucila, why?

Presents!!! What mom could live without a boppy pillow.

Belly measuring!

My last two weeks of pregnancy preparation have been full of reaching out. As I told my sister-in-law, I think I've been "nesting" in my own way, working to create the village that I know it will take to raise this child. From my college alumni chapter to my sorority's grad chapter, coworkers and a newly discovered resource, meetup.com, I've been working to surround myself with like-minded people, resources and families. I've become a fan of tons of mommy written blogs and finally crawled out of my cocoon and began reaching out to my friends again...via phone and email.

This weekend's activities really brought home to me the importance of that work. I bit the bullet and in a moment of fiscal irresponsibility (thankfully, these moments are fewer and fewer lately), I bought a plane ticket to Washington, DC last month. With an almost permanent kool-aid smile, I gallivanted through my old stomping grounds spending Friday at GW, lunch with my DC Best Buddies coworkers, a happy hour (yes, everyone looked at me like I'd lost my mind), Saturday mani/pedi in Alexandria and a surprise baby shower and Sunday breakfast of pancakes with Cicely and the boys! It couldn't have gone better if I'd scripted it.

There was just so much love and smiles for me, for my belly and for what's inside. It was a weekend full of good memories and another reminder of how blessed baby Fuller already is to be so loved and anticipated.

And an affirmation for me that I must continue reaching out, extending beyond my comfort zone, pushing myself to be present and participate. Because Florida is my home and where I'm putting in some roots and watching them grow.

Whales

2009-03-03T16:53:00.000-05:00

Me: Everyone in DC said my belly is really pretty. (Lifting up my shirt to rub on it.)

Him: It is pretty. But it’s so white.

Me: Yea, I haven’t gotten any sun. I’m waiting for it to warm up so I can use the pool, just go float around.

Him: Like a whale

Me: (Crazy look on my face) What? You’re a whale!

Him: (Laughing) Hey!

Me: I can’t be a fish or a dolphin, I have to be a whale!? I’m pregnant, what’s your excuse?

Him: (Laughing and trying to kiss me) I’m pregnant too. You said you hate when I say “Pamela got pregnant.” Well then, I’m pregnant too.

Impatient!

2009-02-22T15:11:00.002-05:00

This month I officially completed 6 months of pregnancy. 6 months! only 3 more months to go and there will be a little Fuller running (really, laying) around. My impatience is really kicking in. I am running out of things to research and read about and now, I just want the baby to be here! I want to go blow all my money at Babies R Us and know if it's a boy or a girl. I want to be home on maternity leave and finally discover what all of this nursing business is all about. I want to see Mike holding his first born, see my Dad with his first niet@, see my brother with his first sobrin@, see my mom be maternal again with a baby. I want to see how my 2 year old nephew reacts to someone little and squishy and how my younger siblings play their role as the youngest Ti@s in history.

President's Day

2009-02-16T18:01:00.002-05:00

After 3 years out in the workforce, I've decided that the 5 day, 40 hour work week is ridiculous. For people who have families, it's terrible that you need to spend most of your kids waking hours away from them. School ends at 3 pm (more or less) but your work day ends at 6 PM. What kind of sense does it make that the most important thing you'll ever do in life (raise children) takes second priority to your employment....which I feel like a lot of moms only do for the paycheck. And this very short-lived weekend - Saturday for some sort of activity and Sunday to prepare for another grueling work week. The 3 day weekend should be mandatory twice a month.

Today was so wonderful. I woke up at 9....picked up around the house and started the laundry. I sat here at the computer on google chat for a few hours. I responded to many of the neglected emails that have accumulated in my inbox the past month or so, checked ALL of my email accounts and read blogs to my hearts delight.

I then hoped in the shower - another shower in awe of my growing belly and nipples that look more and more like they're for food and not my husband's pleasure as the days pass.

And then off to Mike's office for a nice lunch with my husband. It was only burger king (don't judge us, we're about to have a baby - the king understands a budget) but it was nice to be outside, talking, if only for 30 minutes.

I then headed over to the Pompano Beach Public Library. I got a library card and spent a wonderful two hours picking up random things from the stacks. I came home with an assortment of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding DVDs and books by Jonthan Kozel, Zane, James McBride and Edwidge Danticat. (I feel like I should say here that I got Zane's recent nonfiction book, not one of her erotica stories....but again, don't judge me.)

Then back home where I jumped into my PJ's and into bed to read the first of my four books. And I've just ended the day with a yummy afternoon snack and this blog post as my husband steps through the door.

Everyone, single or not, parent or not, deserves a day like this every couple of weeks...I mean weekly really. A day to just do and be as you please...no pressures or requirements.

Health & Fitness

2009-02-12T19:34:00.002-05:00

I listen to a pregnancy podcast called Pregtastic. It's a panel of 3-6 women who are expecting. Once women give birth, they are rotated out for new pregnant women and the topics vary from breastfeeding to pregnancy choices and what doctors are saying. They begin each show with basic introductions and 2 ups and a down....2 positives and a negative. In the spirit of which this blog was conceived, I will begin with my 2 ups in a continued effort to see the positive.

Up #1 - I really do like being pregnant - I feel good, I look good, my baby and I are healthy....what more could I ask for.

Up #2 - In effort to heed my Doctor's recent warnings about my health, I have not had a single pastry or sweet this week. I've drank all the water and milk my bladder can handle. And went on two nigh time walks around our community walking trail.

Down - I really want some of the key lime pie that's sitting in our fridge right now. And I fear I will be off the short-lived health wagon quickly.

Health & Fitness just do not come naturally for me. Everyone says, work out for a few weeks and it becomes second nature. It's all about making it a routine, a part of your daily life. Eating healthy is not about dieting, it's about lifestyle changes.

But, I don't like to "work out." I like activities and activities cost money - boxing class costs money, yoga and pilates classes cost money. And those are just things I don't have the money for. I will keep hope alive that this daily walking will do the trick - I take it as more of a convo session with my sister-in-law so hopefully her motivation lasts!

And, in terms of eating healthy as a lifestyle, as my mom used to say when I was young - I don't believe in that. Intellectually, I know that eating healthy can make a HUGE difference in your life, in your health. But, pancakes, rice and beans, lasagna and tres leches also make a HUGE difference in my life. I love food - I love to eat it, to buy it, to cook it. New recipes, restaurants, afternoon treats at work - I really do love it all!!

I know that the answer is balance - that, like everything in this life of multiple hats, I just need to find my center - walk as much as I can, eat the lasagna but not the tres leches today, the tres leches after a salad dinner tomorrow. But, also like everything else, this is often easier said than done.

Octuplets in California

2009-02-11T17:54:00.005-05:00

Maybe it is my pregnancy, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve always said I want a big family, but I can’t get my mind off of this woman in California with 14 children. I watched her interview on Dateline last night and came away with so many different thoughts.

I agree with her – if I were to find out I was pregnant with 6 babies, I wouldn’t abort any of them. I just can’t be responsible for that.

I think it’s terrible that she says she had a dysfunctional home but can’t really say what the dysfunction was – her mother was a little distant? Her parents can’t be all that bad – they’re there helping her raise all of these kids.

Something about her saying her children are filling a void in her rubbed me the wrong way. And that she doesn’t want to be married, she wants the love of her children. Your children can’t provide the companionship and support that a partner can provide. And they shouldn’t be expected too, nor should they be expected to fill a void you have – you need some help for that.

I am not against single women having children…I don’t think lack of a partner should preclude someone from being a parent. But the extent to which she’s doing it. Single moms of 1 or 2 struggle…but 14.

She kept saying on the interview that when she gets her master’s degree in a year and a half, she’d start working and be able to support her kids.

1. What kind of salary does a family of 15 require – she has no work experience, how could she get that?

2. How can she work 8 hours a day and manage a household of so many children, especially some children with special needs.

And in terms of supporting her family, she’s currently accepting food stamps but she somehow came up with $60,000 to pay for IVF treatments ($10K for 6 pregnancies) and whatever her nose job and botox cost. Nevermind the manicure and tips she was sporting in the interview.

As a mom-to-be, I haven’t had my eyebrows done in 6 months and haven’t gotten a mani/pedi since I was in the Dominican Republic where it cost 4 dollars. I don’t understand how people come up with this kind of money. Something doesn’t add up.

But despite my racing thoughts about the situation, I do wish her and all her children the best. I hope that the doctor who implanted so many eggs in a single, unemployed student with six children is somehow debarred and I hope that her 8 babies don’t have any of the delays or troubles that they are predispositioned to have.

I’m torn because I don’t really believe anyone can tell a woman whether or not to have children or how many children a person can have….but her situation seems so selfish and irresponsible. For her kids sake, I hope her decisions were and continue to be the right ones.

Preggo Update - 23 weeks

2009-02-08T22:32:00.003-05:00

I am now in my 23rd week of pregnancy - so 5 months and 2 weeks have passed - 2 weeks to go until that 6th month. Part of me wishes I could accelerate this process and the logical part of me knows that Mike and I probably need the next three months to really prepare for Baby Fuller. But I'm just so anxious to see those little fingers and toes, see whose eyes he/she has, see whether I should be saying she or he.

The photos above were taken the week before our move... so I'm even bigger now I think. And although I dread buying anymore clothes, I love getting bigger and bigger.

Having just finished my 25 random things list on Facebook, I've been thinking in terms of lists so here goes, some random things about my pregnancy in recent weeks.

1. I've missed 2 Doctor appointments in the last week. The first was rescheduled (after I waited for 3 and a half hours) because the Dr. was in the delivery room with the other Dr's baby (partners in practice) and the second, I slept through.

2. I'm in awe of MIA's Grammy performance - Can I dance around a stage at nine months pregnant? or even now? doubtful as 5 stairs have me out of breath.

3. My husband and his Dad built our baby's crib today. When I saw it, I got all teary eyed and didn't turn around until I could get it together - lest the family see my sappyness.

4. My feet hurt pretty much all the time. I'm going to try to soak them this week for some relief.

5. The Nursing Mother's Companion has become the top book on my personal top 10 reads list. What to Expect When Your Expecting is next, I'm obsessed.

6. I learned that Mylanta can double as diaper rash ointment (thanks Ethel!)

7. I watched birthing videos on youtube at the recommendation of some of my coworkers. They're mom's so I thought I should heed their advise. I was a little traumatized....do you know how big a baby's head is?? And an episiotomy...really, it's awful.

8. I officially can't see my toes in the shower.

9. My baby's movements have become pretty constant - it's such a perfect feeling right now because it doesn't hurt yet...it's just constant tickles and flutters. So cute.

10. One of the hotel contacts I work with at Best Buddies has been away on maternity leave for the last 3 months. Her voicemail at the hotel she works at says she'll be back February 1st. When she wasn't back, I spoke to one of her colleagues and she said that she didn't come back. She decided to stay home and be a full-time mom - I want to be like her when I grow up. If only one income were enough for it all.

Making our House a Home

2009-02-08T22:16:00.002-05:00

This weekend was such a productive one in terms of getting the new place together. I think it's safe to say all of the boxes are unpacked. We have a couple boxes by the door waiting for a trip to Goodwill, some organization to be done, pictures to hang on the walls and a baby room that currently only has a crib and futon in it (yes, it will double as a guest room). But our little house (condo) is definitely becoming a home and I am so excited!

Here, a blog entry I wrote (hand written) before we had Internet when we first moved last weekend. I think it fully expresses my excitement at our new place.

PS - Once everything is hung, pictures to come.

THE LITTLE THINGS 1.31.09

We completed our much anticipated move this past weekend....this past week I should say since Mike has been transporting things all week. I am so physically drained, I can't even explain. It's a different type of tired than I've ever been because although nothing but my feet actually hurts, every single movement seems to require more energy than I can muster. I have officially graduated from getting up to literally heaving myself from sitting to standing or laying down (my preferred state). But despite my exhaustion, I am so happy with the little things at this new place.

First, I have a laundry room! Life without a washer and dryer has been nothing short of excruciating, not to mention smelly. My standard of cleanliness decreased out of, I hate to admit it, laziness. Instead of making that dreaded trip to the laundromat, I just bought more underwear, sprayed a little Febreeze and spot-cleaned as needed on the rest. I never though I could stoop so low. But in 24 hours of this new apartment, I have done 10 loads of laundry! The things we take for granted...

Another of life's conveniences that I was missing out on...a dishwasher. Yes, we really went back to basics in Miami. So everything...and I mean everything we own that can be washed in the dishwasher has been. And I finally feel like it's all clean. Hopefully this will alleviate the dirty dish-filled sink syndrome I formerly suffered from.

But the piece de resistance (Sp?) of it all is our master suite. OK, maybe it's not quire a suite but I really do love it. I anticipate many hours here in the months to come. We have a bed, a bed that I can sit on and my feet don't touch the floor. And a dresser, something I haven't had since my days in Maryland, and wasn't sure I would get again since my husband doesn't believe in dressers (Crazy I know.) There's a walk-in closet and a pocket door in a bathroom that seems so much larger than our last one (I hate pedestal sinks by the way). And the part that really tops it all off? A recliner! My future nursing chair, the recliner with it's soft microfiber, soothing rocking motions and calm camel color, currently serve as a retreat in the corner of our room. A place where I can sit and ponder, write and read and listen to my heart's content. I'm convinced it's the best money I've ever spent.

So despite my longer commute into Miami, our little home in Pompano has already proven worth the sacrifice.

25 Random Things - Ripped off from my Facebook page

2009-02-06T17:36:00.001-05:00

OK, I know I'm pretty late jumping on the bandwagon but, it's not my fault, I'm pregnant - I move slower. I absolutely LOVE reading these lists so they've inspired me to write my own. So here goes...

1. I am an exhibitionist at heart. If my husband allowed me (he's paranoid about people seeing through the windows), I'd walk around naked every moment I was in my house. Yes, even with my preggo belly.

2. I have a phobia about people not liking me....it's bad, as if I were in high school - I hate not being the cool kid.

3. I'm going to have my MBA by the time my baby's 3 years old - MBA or bust!

4. My goal is to have a job that allows me to take personal trips at least every 3 months - DR, NY, Bolivia, Hawaii, Italy, Washington DC (MD and VA too!), NJ, Penn State, St. Thomas, Tallahassee - I have a lot of people I want to see.

5. I really don't like the phone. Hence #4, I really appreciate face time.

6. I aspire to be Julia Alvarez - I will one day write a book about the first generation experience. My blog is the start to my writing career and it makes me feel good. (Shameless plug: mrspamelafuller.blogspot.com - READ IT!)

7. I feel constant guilt (thanks mom!) over my family and the fact that I'm not with them more. I wish all of my siblings and my parents could live on a compound here in Florida. And I wish I had the wherewithal to keep in touch with all of my aunts and cousins via phone (I should work on #5)

8. I have a habit of saying whatever I want and over commenting on things. My husband thinks it’s a little obnoxious, my friend Heather tells me I’m all knowing....it works for some people and not for others.

9. I, like Julie, sometimes look homeless. I don’t know why but I just can’t get myself together some days....and it’s getting harder now that nothing fits and it’s stupidly cold in Miami.

10. It is my fantasy to have the money to get my hair done each week – this would probably help with the homeless look.

11. I love magazines – I’m such a sucker for subscription offers.

12. My friend Jenn and I have known each other since stretch pants and afros – yes, our moms put us in stretch pants and yes, neither of our moms really knew how to do hair.

13. I didn’t learn fluent Spanish until I was 13 – my Mom didn’t want me to have an accent and my Dad lost the battle. So now that I do speak Spanish, it’s not great, which I’m ashamed of.

14. I really want my baby to be fluent in Spanish – like not start speaking english until Kindergarten.

15. I don’t believe in cubicles – what would psychologists say about cramming 10 people together in a square, not giving them windows, having them work under florescent lights and in my case, letting people have meetings and phone conferences as loud as they’d like? How are those factors supposed to lead to increased productivity?

16. I believe I have a mild case of ADD – probably why cubicles bother me so much.

17. People laugh at me when I say this but I could eat pancakes everyday for at least 2 of my meals. I don’t think they think I’m being serious, but I really am.

18. I miss my friends – A LOT.

19. I dream of living abroad someday, at least for a year.

20. I could watch trashy reality TV shows all day. And when my husband works on Saturdays, I’ve done it.

21. I’ve never been to a strip club and I’d like to see one.

22. I think my husband is the funniest person in the world....really, the funniest.

23. My husband used to call me concretia (like concrete) because when we met, I was so “hard” and according to him, heartless. But I’m actually really sensitive and I love him so much that my feelings get hurt on a weekly basis. (This used to be daily though – so I guess I’m toughening up, living up to my name!)

24. My friend Sasha says she wants me to narrate her life – I get such a kick out of that!

25. When I moved to Florida, I was sure it was temporary but now my mom is planning to move down here and I’m having a baby so....I’m pretty sure I’m here for the long haul.

Over the Hump

2009-01-28T21:31:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow marks the start of my 21st week of pregnancy. I have officially completed half of my preggo-hood and am ecstatic to have only 19 weeks to go (maybe less if Baby keeps growing this way.) As good a pregnancy as I think I've had, I really can't wait for this part of the cycle to be over and to finally have baby Fuller become a reality.

In the last weeks, we've had our mid-way sonogram. It was amazing to see little legs and little arms, a butterfly heart and big round head, even a facial profile. We held strong and didn't ask to see the gender of the baby...much to the dismay of all of my girlfriends who are eagerly awaiting the verdict. It's funny how all of the women think waiting on the gender is the stupidest thing since...well, since something stupid...and men think it's the thing to do.

Mike hasn't really weighed in on the great gender debate recently but everyone else has. My sister-in-law has said it's a girl. And everyone else is rooting for the boy. Aunt Sharon has specifically requested a fat, healthy, Michael James Fuller III to keep the name alive. Litz at work says I look like I'm carrying a boy. Vicky agrees and Dahlia says that she just pictures me with a boy. I caught myself falling into the trap - referring to the baby as he and talking about his movements and how he looked in the sonogram. But most recently I've been rooting for the girl - the underdog.

Whatever the gender, Baby Fuller is growing big and strong. Apparently she'll be a gymnast because she spends all day boppin around in my stomach...luckily they're still kind of light jabs and flips. And according to the latest sonogram, he's 13 ounces, a week ahead of schedule. And in the last two weeks, my tummy has just popped out. Mike says this probably isn't the half of how big I'll get. I told my friend Mayra that I've had to heave myself around most recently and I fear that by 9 months, I'll be wheel chair bound!

Here's to being over the hump!

Inauguration Day!

2009-01-20T17:52:00.005-05:00

As Barack Obama put his hand on the bible today, my eyes filled with tears. I've been pretty even keeled about Barack since he won the election. I am amazed that he won, proud and so excited that my baby will be born into a United States led by a black man, by someone who looks like him or her. At the same time, I understand the challenges he faces and the fact that his triumphs will probobly come slowly....it will take as long to mend the issues of the United States as it took to create them. But I think we've done a good job of selecting someone who will start to build this country back up. I was surprised at how emotional it was too watch, how despite my best efforts, I got caught in the wave - the hope and promise that that oath has brought to our nation.

The best part of all of it was how celebratory everyone was. I don't think I've ever watched a Presidential inauguration before but today, the world stopped to take notice at "The Moment." I loved Saturdays concert, I loved today's crowds, the tears and cheers that echoed across the capitol and I really, really loved Rev. Joseph Lowry's benediction.

He reminded me of my choir days and refreshed words that are perfect for the repoirtoire of lullabys I will soon need. He spoke to the gravity of today in a language so many could understand and spoke to my growing spirituality.

But of course, my favorite part:

"Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around ... when yellow will be mellow ... when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen."

Cankles

2009-01-19T21:11:00.002-05:00

It is official, I have cankles. This weekend we took a long overdue trip to Tallahassee. Mike’s family lives there – his grandmother and the majority of his aunts and cousins on his father’s side – the Fuller clan. I really love family trips and think it’s important, especially with the baby on the way, that we get used to taking the drive up there. We can’t claim the expense because the drive to Tally is nothing compared to the cost of flights to some of the other family hot spots – St. Thomas, Dominican Republic, New York – and we can always hop a ride with Mike’s parents when they head up here. So after much lobbying on my part, we finally made it. And had a good time I might add. The house was full of babies I could practice with and spending time with Mike's family was great. You learn so much about people when you spend time with their families....all of the sudden, things they've said or reactions they've had to things make perfect sense...in a good way.

It’s kind of unfortunate that the trip waited until I was pregnant though. I have said over and over again (knock on wood) that my pregnancy has been a blessed one. I have yet to “get sick” or need a sick day due to the pregnancy. I’m a little achy, a little tired, but nothing compared to the stories I’ve heard. So the drive was fine and honestly not as long as I’d expected. But I think for any growing belly, the swollen ankles are something impossible to avoid. So when we arrived in Tallahassee and I put my feet up on Mike’s lap….I looked down perplexed at what looked to be two sprained ankles. “Honey, look at my ankles, they disappeared.” “That’s ‘cause your fat” Mike replied. He was just kidding, and I knew that, but my pride was a little hurt. He recovered quickly, “no just kidding honey, you’re beautiful, your ankles look fine.” But my extra lb’s have just recently been hitting some sort of self esteem nerve. I’m just waiting for that next month; hopefully the baby bump pops out soon so I can justify how rotund I feel. :-)

Truly Blessed

2009-01-13T23:47:00.003-05:00

Baby Fuller started kicking this week! I really couldn't believe it. At first it felt like gas. All of the baby books and preggo email alerts warn you that that's what it will feel like but you don't believe them. I thought, I would definitely know the difference between gas and MY BABY! But I really didn't...not at first. And then it got more distinct and closer together and I knew it was something else. It's so fantastic.

Everyone says that the little flutterings and jabs that I feel are nothing, that this turns into full-fledged abuse at some point and you can feel things like the baby doing a complete flip. Although I'm dying to get that close to d-day, I am definitely relishing the small pleasures that the baby gives me these days.

We have also started accumulating baby things already....I'm not even 5 months along and we have a crib, a bassinet, a car seat, a bath tub and an assortment of designer clothes direct from Peru (thank you Jessica and Dante)! Mike is concerned that I'm too caught up in all the baby stuff and since "broke" is our middle name (true of most 24 yr olds), I think he worries that I'll be upset if we can't afford all the stuff. But at this point all I require are pampers and baby wipes and I think our baby will have more than enough. I really feel blessed at the out pour of love that baby fuller has already received.

I guess a part of me is even surprised. I've spent the last few years in something of an emotional roller coaster. Senior year in college was filled with my mom's illness and the balance of doing what I needed to do for her and graduating. After graduation, my life consisted of counting the days between visits with my beloved all the way in Florida until I finally moved to Florida in March of 2007. And since then, I've been working to find my niche here. I planned a wedding and have been lucky enough to travel to California, Boston and Washington for work. But in the process, I lost touch. I didn't keep up on emails and was even worse with phone calls. I've been working at it slowly but surely and am relieved and again, blessed, that my loved ones have been patient with me and keep loving me despite my flaws.

Oh blessed baby, how happy you make me. It's been quite some time since I've looked at the world through these rose-colored glasses.

Being Pregnant

2009-01-03T10:52:00.003-05:00

Being pregnant is so much fun. I've yet to have any major pains or hurdles. People ask me about how I'm feeling, cravings, etc. I'm just hungry, in general, and tired, in general....two things that aren't much different from my life before pregnancy.

I guess the biggest changes have been 1. my body - the big, well, even bigger bust, the growing belly, aches and pains, and an ever accelerated heart rate and 2. my focus. I am a woman obsessed. I eat, sleep and breath pregnancy. I read everything I can get my hands on, I daydream about what the next five months have to offer and the next 18 years after that. I relate absolutely everything to this future being growing inside me. In the last week, I've researched life insurance, disability insurance, Lamaze classes, Florida's Prepaid College Plan, choosing a Godmother, breastfeeding seminars and support groups, created a baby registry and fantasized about making my five year old pancakes on Sunday mornings. Absolutely every conversation about just about anything can turn into a conversation about Baby Fuller and I've tried to be careful not to overstay the welcome of my baby talk. I think my husband will tell you I haven't really succeeded in curbing my enthusiasm.

New Year's Reflections

2008-12-31T11:06:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year! Today, quite appropriately, I am spending the day at my sister-in-law's house. She lives in the neighborhood in Pompano where Mike and I are moving on Feb 1st. A next step in creating a supportive environment for our growing family. With Auntie Agee to babysit and make sure I don't loose my mind and three cousins to play with, I think Baby Fuller has much to look forward to.

Driving here this morning was interesting. Pompano really isn't that far from Miami...30 minutes on the highway. But it's so different. So suburban. Part of me wishes I'd asked for a GPS for Christmas so I could find my way around. I literally don't know how to get to even the grocery store from here. But it's much more of a community, which I think will help in the long run. And as always, it's part of my new year's resolution to get in some kind of shape so I am hopeful about swimming in the pool and using the tennis and basketball courts, walking trails and the gym.

I should mention that Agee doesn't have cable but she does have a washer and dryer, something Mike and I are missing in our current place. So I'm spending my day in reflection, doing laundry, exploring websites on the Internet and thinking about what the New Year will bring. I probably would have spent the entire day glued to the TV watching reruns of Law and Order, House and all of the variations of CSI had I not come to Pompano today. So, as much as I was dreading no cable, I think it's for the best.

In my travels through cyberspace, I came across Julia Alvarez's website - via a high school friends facebook page (yes, I'm addicted). I feel like Julia is a good friend. My Dad introduced us when I was 10 with a copy of How the Garcia Girls Lost their Accents followed by In the Time of the Butterflies. We have been faithful friends since. She has channeled my emotions from adolescence to adulthood - I have read my thoughts in !YO! and In the Name of Salome, reading every word published. I've grown to idolize Julia. I want to visit her home in Vermont, her farm in Dominican Republic and take one of her classes at Middlebury. But for the moment, I settle for her words.

I've read her biography many times before but reading it today was a little different. I guess it depends what I'm thinking and going through. It made me smile to think her first book wasn't published until she was 41. It means I still have time....it means it's ok that I want to be like her when I grow up and maybe even, that it's possible.

I share her bio with you here:

About Julia Alvarez

I guess the first thing I should say is that I was not born in the Dominican Republic. The flap bio on García Girls mentioned I was raised in the D.R., and a lot of bios after that changed raised to born, and soon I was getting calls from my mother.

I was born in New York City during my parents' first and failed stay in the United States. When I was three months old, my parents, both native Dominicans, decided to return to their homeland, preferring the dictatorship of Trujillo to the U.S.A. of the early 50s. Once again, my father got involved in the underground and soon my family was in deep trouble. We left hurriedly in 1960, three months before the founders of that underground, the Mirabal sisters, were brutally murdered by the dictatorship (see In the Time of the Butterflies).

It's not like I didn't know some English at ten when we landed in New York City. But classroom English, heavily laced with Spanish, did not prepare me for the "barbaric yawp" of American English -- as Whitman calls it. I couldn't tell where one word ended and another began. I did pick up enough English to understand that some classmates were not very welcoming. Spic! a group of bullies yelled at me in the playground. Mami insisted that the kids were saying, Speak! And then she wonders where my storytelling genes come from.

When I'm asked what made me into a writer, I point to the watershed experience of coming to this country. Not understanding the language, I had to pay close attention to each word -- great training for a writer. I also discovered the welcoming world of the imagination and books. There, I sunk my new roots. Of course, autobiographies are written afterwards. Talk to my tías in the D.R. and they'll tell you I was making up stuff way before I ever set foot in the United States of America. (And getting punished for it, too. Lying, they called it back then.) But they're right. As a kid, I loved stories, hearing them, telling them. Since ours was an oral culture, stories were not written down. It took coming to this country for reading and writing to become allied in my mind with storytelling.

All through high school and college and then a graduate program in creative writing -- you can get all the dry facts in my attached resume -- I was a driven soul. I knew that I wanted to be a writer. But it was the late sixties, early seventies. Afro-American writers were just beginning to gain admission into the canon. Latino literature or writers were unheard of. Writing which focused on the lives of non-white, non mainstream characters was considered of ethnic interest only, the province of sociology. But I kept writing, knowing that this was what was in me to do.
Of course, I had to earn a living. That's how I fell into teaching, mostly creative writing, which I loved doing. For years, I traveled across the country with poetry-in-the-schools programs, working until the funds dried up in one district, and then I'd move on to the next gig. After five years of being a migrant writer, I decided to put down roots and began teaching at the high school level, moving on to college teaching, and finally, on the strength of some publications in small magazines and a couple of writing prizes, I landed a tenure-track job.

1991 was a big year. I earned tenure at Middlebury College and published my first novel, How The García Girls Lost Their Accents. My gutsy agent, Susan Bergholz, found a small press, Algonquin Books, and a wonderful editor, Shannon Ravenel, willing to give "a new voice" a chance. I was forty-one with twenty-plus years of writing behind me. I often mention this to student writers who are discouraged at nineteen when they don't have a book contract!
With the success of García Girls, I suddenly had the chance to be what I always wanted to be: a writer who earned her living at writing. But I'd also fallen in love with the classroom. I toiled and troubled about what to do. After several years of asking for semester leaves, I gave up my tenured post. Middlebury College kindly invited me to stay on as a writer-in-residence, advising students, teaching a course from time to time, giving readings.

So here I am living in the tropical Champlain Valley. (That's the way folks in the Northeast Kingdom refer to this part of Vermont!) I'm happily settled down with my compañero, Bill Eichner, on eleven acres which Bill farms, growing most of our vegetables and greens and apples and potatoes and even Asian pears organically, haying the back pasture, and planting so many berry-bearing trees and bushes we now have enough birdsong around here to keep me humble. Recently, he has added animals: cows, calves, rabbits, chickens. As a vegetarian, it is an odd adventure helping raise somebody else's meat. But if you are going to be a carnivore (or wear shoes or carry a handbag) this is the way to do it: conscionable with affection and care and abiding gratitude to the creatures who provide for us.

I guess the only other thing I should mention about my life is our project in the Dominican Republic. About eleven years ago, Bill and I started a sustainable farm-literacy center called Alta Gracia. Rather than telling you the whole long story here about why we are growing organic, shade-grown coffee; why we started a school on the farm; why sustainability is so important a concept for us all to be thinking about, I'll send you to A Cafecito Story, a modern, "green" fable I wrote inspired by our project. The afterword by Bill tells all about our own farm. Visit our website cafealtagracia.com and find out how to order our coffee, Café Alta Gracia, and maybe even visit the farm!

I'll let the three-part resume (www.julialavarez.com) fill you in on the blow by blow details: publications, presentations, teaching experience, awards. Actually, the best place to find out about me and my writing life is to read my book of essays, Something to Declare. I wrote that book for readers who were always asking me about writing and about my life. I haven't changed my mind all that much since 1998 when it was published, which is kind of gratifying, to think that certain things remain true, like that Frost quote from "Into My Own," in which he says that, even after death, those who meet him won't find him much changed from him they knew, "only more sure of all I thought was true." Nice when poems tell the truth, even when we writers are known for making things up.

Navidad en Miami

2008-12-28T17:42:00.005-05:00

Everyone has their favorite time of year. The summer, their birthday month, fall because of the weather, spring because of all of the flowers....I'm a big fan of winter. And living in South Florida, we unfortunately do not get to see much of winter. What counts as cold here is fabulous weather during any northeast September and needless to say we don't see much snow. But we still have the holidays - Thanksgiving, My Birthday, Christmas and New Year's all in a matter of weeks. There's no other time of year that calls for so much celebration. This year, Mike and I are also blessed to have something new to celebrate - a little Fuller.

I was kind of dreading the holiday this year. My second Christmas in South Florida and my second Christmas without visiting Dominican Republic or New York, where the holiday lives for me. Well, where it used to live I guess. Mike and I did Christmas at our house this year. My mom flew in from New Jersey, her first solo flight since loosing her vision...the things people will do when their daughter's pregnant! And it was just the three of us.

Mike handled the news that we would NOT be going to the "beautiful Port St. Lucie," well, beautifully. I kind of just told him that I wasn't going to go and he said, ok. He's always been good at picking his battles...one of the many things I need to learn from him.

So here we were. Mom and I went grocery shopping and bought everything under the sun. I have honestly NEVER spent so much at the grocery store but she was all about filling the cart. I made a pernil, under her tutelage, for the first time. And it came out surprisingly delicious. We've had mangu, fried cheese, salchicha and eggs for breakfast everyday since she's arrived - Mike officially LOVES mangu!

We put up a little tree (really little), and opened presents. We've slept and eaten to a glutinous level and drank and were merry. Don't worry, I was drinking Martinelli's while everyone else had some wine. Mom stocked my maternity closet and bought a crib! Baby's first furniture and something to fit mami's belly! All things to be happy about and thankful for.

So as much as I was dreading another Christmas in South Florida, it was fantastic. I got more than I could have hoped in terms of presents. I felt accomplished - I created Christmas in my home...practice for next year when we have a little one to be merry for.

Que viene mas Pan!

2008-12-05T09:17:00.003-05:00

Happy Friday to you!

My poor neglected blog. I've been up and down and up again in the last couple months. But today is a good day and I feel like sharing.

As I'm sure all of you loyal fans know, Mike and I are pregnant! Well, I'm pregnant and he's along for the ride. Being pregnant is the most exciting and terrifying experience I've ever been through and I'm only at 14 weeks! But the excitement often outweighs the terror and every one's blessings and good wishes help me know that all will be well.

I especially wanted to share the big news – Mike got a promotion! It's still an hourly position but he did get a raise (woo-woo!) and he's moved from claims to adjudication – which is when people dispute claims, he's like the arbiter. There are more permanent (with benefits) positions in this department so hopefully we'll have more good news in a few months.

Celebration!

One of my coworkers got married a month before Mike and I did and she told me that her mom wants her to have a baby and she's worried about the cost and her mom told her – no te preocupas, los bebes siempre llegan con pan abajo del brazo. Don't worry, babies always come with bread under their arm.

Here comes the pan!

To top it off, I have a new dress on today and I feel cute for the first time in too long. I'm in the phase right before you're obviously pregnant but after your regular clothes stopped fitting you....so it's easy to feel...frumpy. But thanks to Ann Taylor and Black Friday, I have been saved from frumpiness, at least for today.

It's a great day.

Calling Me Home - Tuesday, September 9, 2008

2008-09-10T04:09:00.002-04:00

The past few weeks have been filled with so much emotion. I’m not sure if it’s the series of events or my old age but I feel like I’ve cried more in the past few months than I had in the 4 years before that. Somehow I feel more vulnerable, less able to hold myself together until I’m alone as I used to do.

I’m on a plane to JFK where my brother will be picking me up at 11:30 pm. My mother had surgery this morning…a surgery that I couldn’t make because I was at work and broke. She had complications and her blood pressure dropped lower than her doctor had ever seen on a person in 30 years of practice. She was put on a respirator and is now in the ICU. I’ve spoken to her doctor and he tells me that although it was quite a scare, she is ok. He sounds positive and very sincere. But a part of me doesn’t really believe him. How could she come so close to critical and still be ok? So I’m on my way to confirm and just give her a big hug and a kiss and tell her that I love her and I’m so sorry for not being there right when she woke up. I imagine this is something like what parents feel; like you need to be there with your kids when they go through things to make sure that they don’t feel alone or scared. When I spoke to my mom yesterday, she was so nervous and anxious. And I tried my best to console her but also got off the phone quickly. That was selfish of me but listening to her talk about her surgery just brought me to tears. And I didn’t want her to hear that.

Demian is also on his way. He left school today and borrowed his roommate’s car. He called me so worked up and nervous….looking for my advice. Does he go or does he stay? I know what it’s like to run out of school in a frenzy. I had to take those trips from DC….spend two weeks in a hospital room when my mom first lost her vision. But that was my senior year in college. Demian has only been in school a few weeks and already he has this burden to bear. I worry about him and if this is something he can handle on top of all of the other recent changes in his life. And I feel that the activities in my life in recent months are just calling me home.
My aunt passed a month before my wedding. She was the pillar of communication in my family and my mom’s best friend. I’d never seen my mom so devastated, never witnessed her sob in such pain. Then I got married a month later, such a celebration and a truly happy day. But another reminder that Florida is not quite my home, not where my people are. Then Demian’s high school graduation in the Dominican Republic. Another happy moment. But Mom couldn’t come because there was really no one for her to travel with from New Jersey and a certain lack of resources. And another trip to New Jersey in August to move Demian in to college….something my parents should have been able to do but just couldn’t . I feel such responsibility to fill these holes but the travel from Miami just doesn’t seem sustainable or even like it’s enough. And now this emergency trip home. My guilt overwhelms me. I should’ve been there this morning when she went into surgery…should have been there to reassure her that it would be fine and to speak to the Doctor when there was a problem.

For the moment I must just thank God that this was just a scare. Thank god that I was able to find a way home tonight and that I have a husband who can always calm me when something goes wrong and in-laws who seem to be my eternal saviors in times of crisis.

Work - Monday, September 8, 2008

2008-09-10T04:07:00.001-04:00

The Carmel Valley in California is definitely on my short list of most beautiful places I’ve ever been. I never had big aspirations for domestic travel. I figured I would see whatever I would see and count my pennies for international trips when I could manage them. But for the past two years, I’ve spent a little over a week in California in September for the Audi Best Buddies Challenge: Hearst Castle. It is apparently the perfect week to be there. The weather is perfect – long sleeves are necessary, a welcome change from what can be the oppressive heat of Miami. And while there, I stay at the Quail Lodge Resort & Golf Club, a place I could never afford on my own. It really is amazing.

But juxtaposed against this beauty and what should be a feeling of serenity is the most hectic work schedule I’ve ever had. I arrive on Sunday and spend most of the day unpacking and sorting through hundreds of boxes. I work late into the night every night catching up on all the emails and phone calls, confirmation number requests and hotel questions. And then wake up at 6:30 for 7 AM meetings. I spent Wednesday driving the 100 miles down to Cambria to check in with my duties there. The most amazing drive I’ve ever taken is speeding through the twists and turns of the Pacific Coast Highway. But I arrive back up to Carmel that evening with over 100 emails that all request urgent response and hit a breaking point (translation: eyes filled with tears) somewhere around 2 AM. I rest, breathe and push on…a coworker at my side. At least I’m part of a team.

I often waiver about whether my work for Best Buddies is worth it. I put in a lot of hours for a salary that is probably fair for my age and experience but definitely not sufficient for the many financial needs I have. I struggle with the constant shortfall and the impossibility of turning a dollar into ten and wonder if my husband and I will ever be “comfortable” with this sort of a start. I sometimes feel like I’m on the outside looking in – still not quite up to speed with Miami culture and often not understanding the decisions I see made. I see people get the short end of the stick despite their hard work and worry that I will suffer the same burn out and disillusionment I’ve seen and heard so much about. I long for a position with a company whose mission I feel more passionate about but I am also inspired by the stories I hear about and the people I meet with intellectual disabilities. And really there are quite a few positives. What other job would send me to California for a week, or challenge me in so many ways? What other job would allow little old me the possibility of closing a sponsor deal or executing a half million dollar auction? Would the Vice President’s door always be open if I moved on to something else? Would I get emails directly from the Chairman of another place and the opportunity to bring my ideas and creative side to the table? Would any other place give me the flexibility to have attended my brother’s high school graduation, visited the Dominican Republic when my new baby brother was born, spend a 3 hour lunch at a dress fitting or fly to New Jersey every time my mom needs me?

Liberation - August 19, 2008

2008-08-20T21:35:00.002-04:00

I'm a big fan of Budget Travel magazine. If you haven't read it, you really should. It has travel tips, sample itineraries, 40 travel deals for each month and some amazing pictures. For someone like me, on a constant budget, it's the perfect travel indulgence...telling me how to economically enjoy the world. Every quarter, Budget Travel comes with a supplement called Girlfriend Getaways, a sister publication that focuses on how you and your gal pals can see the world. This quarter's issue of Girlfriend Getaways focused on girlfriends goading their friends into all sorts of ridiculous and at the same time, liberating, activities.

Now aside from my sorority road trips in college (which usually consisted of sleeping on a floor), I've never really taken a girlfriend getaway (but I do have aspirations of a trip to Vegas for all my girlfriends reading, so start putting away!). But this past weekend my great friend and bridesmaid Dionne was in Miami with some of her friends. They spent 3 days getting sun on the beach and nights on the strip. On Saturday, I decided to join them. Despite my residence in Miami, I barely get over to the beach...a shame, I know.

So we get to the beach and I down a deliciously strong smoothie from Wet Willy's. The sun is blazing so we all head out to the water and someone decides they're going to go topless....and someone else follows...and I'm thinking, should I? I've never dared to do such a thing. I've been wearing a bra since the 2nd grade so my chest has never been cute and perky - nothing I thought was worth sharing and really, just a cause for poor posture. But then someone else takes the plunge and I decide, why the hell not?!?! So down comes the suit. And at first I'm timid, ducked down in the water hoping not to gross anyone out by the sheer magnitude of my "flotation devices" as someone so eloquently put it. But then I noticed that no one else seemed ashamed...no one else felt the need to hide or cross their arms. So I just swam around, I stood straight up, I even had the audacity to float on my back...and it felt wonderful. It was nice to just let it all hang out so to speak - to know that I was doing something a little naughty, but not quite dirty...and the exhibitionist in me blossomed (she's the one who floated on her back). Here's to many more girlfriend getaways.

Olympics - Tuesday, August 12, 2008

2008-08-12T21:20:00.002-04:00

Did you see the opening ceremonies to the Olympics? A-MAZ-ING! I mean really, 2008 people doing EXACTLY the same thing?! It's like the world's greatest step show. I just don't know how London will be able to do anything like this in 2012. I've never actually been to Britain but the impression I've been given of this country where my dollar is worth $0.50 on a good day is bland food, lots of rain and much beer. Will they be able to present something as spectacular as this show? The largest LCD screen in existence, synchronization at it's best, culture, history, the bird's nest AND the water cube. I'm in awe of all of it.

Aside from the spectacular Olympic presentation of the Chinese in executing the world's largest sporting event, I'm also amazed at how suddenly, everyone I run into is a sports fan...myself included. I've been up past 11 every night since the opening ceremonies (my bedtime is really 10 o'clock and would be earlier if my husband would allow it). From beach volleyball to gymnastics (beautiful) and synchronized diving, which I didn't even know was a sport five days ago, I've watched anything that comes across the screen. I've diligently tracked the metal count (always hoping to catch the Dominican Republic on the list) and cursing when I see that China has 17 gold medals compared to the US's 7. And every conversation I've had has involved the Olympics.

I then find my mind wandering off to life as an Olympian and am definitely most interested in all of the little background stories presented throughout the games. Michael Phelps eats 8 - 10,000 calories a day! And it's still not enough to break 200 lbs. Aside from swimming, he eats and sleeps, he's lazy out of the pool. Shawn Johnson's gym in Iowa flooded so she trained in 2 ft of water until she was evacuated. One of the American synchro divers had her mom move to Indiana with her so she could train with her partner.

The life of an Olympian is some life. For someone like me who's been vowing to loose 20 lbs and study for the GMAT for the last two years...and have accomplished neither goal....the thought of putting everything aside and spending all of that time and energy on a sport and physical fitness just blows my mind. I mean, the type of endurance and mental concentration is baffling. And the sacrifice - missing middle and high school to train, having your mom move across the country with you (away from her husband) so that you can maybe be an Olympian. Would I go through all that if I were talented enough? Would my parents have even considered such a drastic change and financial commitment? My mom couldn't even be convinced to take me to softball practice (my Dad drove down to Jersey from NYC twice a week so that I could go). The whole thing is just....yes, I'll say it again....amazing. And really what I need to take from it all is some inspiration, a little nudge to plug away at my goals - don't have dessert and crack the GMAT prep book open. Because that's nothing compared to what other people do to achieve their goals.

Mike's Birthday - August 10, 2008

2008-08-10T11:30:00.003-04:00

Another party at the Fuller residence. Mike's 24th birthday was yesterday...don't you love when that special day falls on a Saturday? At first we weren't going to do anything big, a party for two if you will. But on Friday, Mike decided maybe we should invite some people. So I did my wifely duty and made the appropriate phone calls.

I always get a little anxious having an "event." Perhaps it's residual anxiety from my high schools years, but I'm always afraid I'm not cool enough for people to actually come and if they do come, I worry that they won't have fun at my house...since we technically don't have enough seating for everyone, no patio furniture for the BBQ part and a lack of board games (which is apparently what parties consist of in your mid-twenties?).

But all in all it went really well. Most of Mike's close friends came through (food and drink in hand). The BBQ was delicious, drinks were abundant and the laughs continued. Mike's night ended in happy drunkenness. And I officially earned the title of "Best Wife to Have on Your Birthday" for putting it all together.

My first entry that actually is just musings - July 30, 2008

2008-07-30T22:50:00.004-04:00

I've already been married for 3 months and completed over a year of employment at Best Buddies. I've lived in Florida for a year and four months - in that time I've gone home to see my Dad 3 times (and gotten a new baby brother) and gone home to Mom 10 or so times. When I stop to really look back at the past year and four months, it just flew by. In my freshmen year of college, the thought of three more years seemed like an eternity. In terms of my experiences and how I changed in those four years at college, it probably was an eternity but looking back, it just whizzed by. I don't know if this is something of a mid-life crisis but I've recently been feeling so overwhelmed with the magnitude of what I want to accomplish in what seems like such a short period of time.

I'm married at 23 - this, was an unexpected gift. And now that I'm married, I want to have a baby at 25 (it seems arbitrary but I'd like to get started early to avoid the many healthy problems that my mom suffered through in having her babies at 30 and 35). And before having a baby, my husband and I want to get out of debt (a cumulative amount more than our annual income), own a home (I have a sub-prime credit score which will take at least 7 years to repair), loose a combined 100 lbs (I just had cookies for dessert and rice and platanos with my dinner...), we want a certain annual income (about twice what we're making now) and Master's degrees (we haven't even taken a GRE). So when I do the math, I'll be ready to have a baby in my early 30's...more than five years after my goal.

Time just seems to be escaping me.

Mike tells me I just need to take one thing at a time. In the words of Stacy's away message, plan the work and work the plan. But I've always had trouble seperating everything. I guess it's the fatalist in me - I need to pay down my debt, but i don't make enough money, and if I don't make enough money, I can't go back to school, which means I'll be stuck in this job forever, and...well, I think you get it. This is where my mind goes.

Most recently I've been busying myself with projects:
- Catching up on work - I've been checked out the last few months and there is much to do
- Revitalizing the Theta Iota Chapter
- Single-handedly running the first ever SLU auction at our national convention in DC (a trip I'm not even sure I can afford to take)
- Creating a consulting firm with my sister-in-law
- This blog
- A pretty agressive job search
- Reading more...

This is the same approach I had in college - if I keep myself busy enough, it'll all just come together. I guess the hope is that one or more of these projects will bring me to some peace and a sense that it will in fact all be ok.

The largest benefit of having a husband is the confidence that you are not going through any of this along. The detriment of a husband - now you're failures are no longer just yours. If I fail, I've failed him as well.

I assume the most important part of it all is to try and keep some perspective and not let the emotion of it overtake me. Something my friend Sarah says comes with age. For despite my Mrs. status, I am only 23.

Reunion - Saturday, July 19, 2008

2008-07-20T00:14:00.004-04:00

Today, three months after the happiest day of my life, I picked-up my wedding dress from the dry cleaners. I was determined to get a certain list of errands done and still make it to the beach for some sun bathing and relaxation before Mike got home from work (5 PM) - really maximize my Saturday. So I was up at 10 (this is early for me on a Saturday) and working - dishes, sorting through all of the laundry that needed to be done, cleaning the kitchen...Jumped in the shower, got all my beach stuff ready and packed into the car. First stop, north to Publix for my beach snacks. Then south to the dry cleaners - drop the dress off at home - and off to the beach.

I had been saving up the money to pick up the dress since I dropped it off. And calling the dry cleaners -

Can I pick it up on the 1st?
Sure
Call back - can I pick it up on the 15th?
...not a problem
Well - actually can I get it on the 1st?
yes ma'm...it's still here
I'll be there on the 15th, is that ok?

So finally, this paycheck was the one that put me over the top. I drove up to the dry cleaners...parked, and timidly walked up to the door. I dreaded something would be wrong - they closed early on saturday, gave my dress to Goodwill since it had been there 2 months... something.

The store is open - relief!

I walk-in, receipt in hand - I'm here to pick up THE wedding dress (because mine is the only one that ever had to be laundered before).

The teller goes to the reel to look for it. All of the clothes spin - my eyes frantically running back and forth trying to spot something familiar. STOP

She pulls down my dress - instant Kool-Aid smile!!! It was like seeing my long-lost friend - my 3rd bridesmaid - my partner in all of the anxiety, excitement, joy and love that filled my wedding day.

And...icing on the cake - the check-out woman at the cleaners tells me - is that YOUR dress? It's beautiful...but it looks too big for you.

Oh no, it fits like a glove.
Really? You look a lot smaller than that.

Oh yes, I was happy.

Ode to Bus 54 - July 10, 2008

2008-07-18T18:20:00.000-04:00

My good friend Jessica was inspired to begin her blog while riding the 54 Bus in Washington, DC. She always told me about it and I never got myself together to read it. As much as I love email, I find I am often hesitant to move onto all of the other things the Internet holds. I just recently began online shopping...I know, I'm an old lady at heart.

The bus54 blog is currently home to Dispatches from Bolivia which motivated me to be an avid fan of the blog. Phone calls to Bolivia weren't really an option so reading the weekly posts was the best way to stay connected with all of Jessica's adventures. But after my month and a half of commuting via Miami's very interesting public transportation system, I think I was probably missing out on bus54.

Thanks to the rising cost of gasoline, increased parking costs and the legacy of the wedding of my dreams (ask VISA about it), I gave up driving to work and began taking the bus. For those of you who enjoy people watching, let me tell you, the bus is the perfect place to really cultivate your people watching skills...and probably your storytelling as well. You begin to see the same people each day. You see their outfits, where they get on and off and overhear snippets of their lives as they talk on the phone or surprisingly, to each other (yes, strangers).

The most interesting characters so far:

- This man who looked like he was dropped right out of the '80's....like a retired pimp who'd been through some things. He had on those old school air force ones with a mustard yellow Nike check and a matching yellow jumpsuit! Dark shades and a gold chain rounded out the look and I wondered, where could he be going?

- The woman with a voice box who actually spoke to me - Outside of those Truth campaign commercials, I'd never really seen the voice box (I know there's a medical name for it) in person. So that in itself caused some staring (thank God for sunglasses). But then, she put her hand to her neck and spoke to me! It really does sound like a robot. Where could she be going and what is it like to go there everyday and have to work in that condition?

- "When I do XYZ, I can get into my dream school, Devry University. Once I get in there, I'm set, that's where all of the millionaire companies hire from." Who calls Devry their dream school? This is a far cry from my GW classmates and a true testament to the value of advertising. After thinking about it though, it's also a true testament to the elitism I feel...I mean really, how dare I question or gawk at a young man (a young black man) who's trying to get an education. Who am I to judge the quality of that education?

- Pajama Lady - now I know I've been known to go out and have a little too much cleavage but this woman literally had on a night gown! She was very chatty with her fellow commuters - she cleans houses and her husband works at Wendy's - she was at least 40. And as I sat there coming to my own conclusions about how she dressed and what her life must be like, the bus driver was trying to kick a high school kid off the bus. He looked 15 or 16 and had paid 75 cents, the student fare. But he had no student ID to show so pajama lady gives him a dollar - "here you go baby boy. I don't want you to have to get off the bus. Just remember your ID next time OK sweetheart?" Another lesson in humility for me.

Types of Love - July 9, 2008

2008-07-09T22:42:00.001-04:00

Hey, no new posts?! lol....i thought i would add a random/nice memory to your blog. Now this may apply more to me than you, but here goes lol. One thing I'll always remember about you is how thoughtful you are. I have evidence of this thoughtfulness all over my room (at this very moment). I still have (and cherish) two small wooden jewelry boxes you gave me from DR and a pair of volcanic rock turtles you got me from Italy. I really love them all and wanted to thank you again for thinking of me :)
- Jennifer Kurtz, Elementary School Friend Extraordinaire

Jennifer Kurtz has probably been my biggest fan in terms of this whole blogging endeavor. Who knew so many years ago that we would reconnect in the blogesphere!

Her recent post on my blog reminded me of something another great friend of mine told me about in college. Jessica Lynd is always reading something inspiring, something spiritual and thought provoking and often comes to some very accurate conclusions about the nature of man and the nature of particular people that she knows based on her readings. I think she's really mastered the art of reflecting on what you read.

According to Gary Chapman, there are Five Love Languages and the only way to achieve and express heartfelt commitment to your partner is to fully understand your love language and theirs. Jessica read the book and described the languages to me:

Words of Affirmation - this person gives and thrives off of verbal appreciation and encouragement
Quality Time - this person treasures quality conversation and activities, really focusing on spending time with the other person
Gifts - this person expresses themselves by giving gifts and really treasures any gift that is received
Acts of Service - this love language involves physical expressions of love in helping others and appreciating when you are being helped
Physical Touch - self-explanatory

She identified me as someone who expresses themselves by giving gifts and really treasures any gift that is received. I do pride myself on being an excellent gift giver. I always do my best to find that special something for someone...something I've been slacking on recently. And reading Jenn's post made me so happy - it's always nice to know the things you put effort into matter to someone else.

I really do love Magazines - July 8, 2008

2008-07-09T17:34:00.000-04:00

My love affair with magazines began at an early age. I was one of those kids who always had a subscription - Highlights, National Geographic Kids, Scholastic something or other and then the infamous Cricket and later, Cicada magazines (fabulous writing like The New Yorker, but for kids). It was the only way for my Dad to keep up with my book a day reading habit (magazines are far cheaper).

Today on the bus I was reading my first issue of Entrepreneur. I had picked-it up at the airport on my way to DR (my guilty pleasure while I travel -blow $20 on magazines at the newstand). Traveling is my opportunity to test drive something new - see what is worth getting a subscription too. The selection of Entrepreneur was inspired by my sister-in-law and her very strong conviction that owning a business is the only way to financial security, the perfect home-life balance and wealth.

The amazing thing about magazines are the many topics covered within just a few pages. I feel like a travel agent after flipping through Budget Travel, a health & wellness professional after reading Self and a financial consultant after finishing Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

I really do love magazines.

Perspective - Monday, July 7, 2008

2008-07-09T02:03:00.000-04:00

Demian is going to PennState Hazleton tomorrow for his first visit. He has some errands to run - computer log-in and ID, the search for part-time job prospects, checking out the dorm room and in general, getting to know his new home.

I am excited for him and a little anxious. I know that the transition from life as a hevito in DR to a hard-working, broke college student will be difficult for him. And I hope his first impressions of Hazelton are good ones, I hope he can see himself there and see himself happy there.

Unfortunately my mother has insisted on going with him. Something about proving to him that her blindness doesn't disqualify her from the visit, etc., etc. The thing about my mom is that each and every situation, no matter what it is, is about her. So Demian's desire to go without her is not about him needing to discover this new place on his own, or about him learning to navigate the campus and speak to the different offices without a pushy mom in the background. It's about her blindness, and Demian's suppossed need for therapy to accept her blindness.

When she first got sick, it was difficult for me to do what I needed to do for her. She and I barely spoke - my feelings of resentment and the low self-esteem that I suffered as a result of always being a terrible daughter clouded any feeling of affection I could have had towards her. But I sucked it up - I did my best to be there for her and take care of her. I made sure to call her every day and visit as often as possible. And as time passed, I just accepted that mom was all about mom and I had to get over it.

But recently, my ability to overlook this fundamental flaw in her has been more and more difficult to come by. I recently got married and am thinking of starting a family with my husband. The depression I sometimes suffer through is no longer just my problem - it is something that affects my husband, something that he has to deal with and work through. And I worry about being the kind of parent my mother was - I worry that I will be too caught up in myself and my own struggles to provide the sort of support my kids need, I worry that I will make my children feel guilty and responsible for any problems I might have, as my mom did.

Today's happy moment was that after a short but heated conversation with mom, and the residual passing and ranting and fears that always come after such conversations, Mike assured me that I would be a wonderful mother.

And now my mom is crossing something of a line. She's doing everything in her power to maintain a tight grip on Demian. On Saturday she gave me a dissertation on what a terrible person he is and how he left the states as Demian and has come back as a little version of Amos (my father). She's doing it all over again. She always hated, resented the feelings I had for my father and she held it against me, threw it in my face, every chance she got. I was being a disloyal and disobediant daughter to her merely in existing. And now Demian is too.

It breaks my heart to watch her do that to him and enrages me all at once. It offends the feeling of protection I have for him. Didn't I go through all of that krap so he wouldn't have to? ...and my unending desire for my mom to just let the past go and be happy. But she is stuck in her ways, and maybe it's her guilt trips and bagdering that help her get through the day, help her feel in control.

Mike helps put all of these feelings in perspective though. I can't change her, only do my best to advise. I can't be in New Jersey to moderate, only call Demian and support him, remind him that his time there will not last forever. And I'm no good to either of them if I spend my time driving myself crazy about what I can't do.

BBQ - 4th of July Weekend

2008-07-07T23:30:00.000-04:00

We had our first BBQ this weekend. I really was exhausted - emotionally and physically. I still hadn't quite recovered from my previous weekend's travels and honestly, was not in the right mood to have a house full of people.

But I think despite that, everyone had a good time and the food was good (always the case at the Fuller II house). And this time, I barely did any cooking. I made a GIANT (yes, GIANT) bowl of potato salad (that we're still eating from) and mixed some sangria blanca (we're addicted) and everything else was done by Mike and
family. I can't event explain the relief - I had no energy for slaving away in the kitchen.

But enough about my lack of energy (about which I could probably blog each and every day) and onto the weekend's happy moment.

I shouldn't really say "we" had our first BBQ. Unlike past events at Casa Fuller, this was definitely Mike's BBQ. Leading up to the event, he bought a BBQ (thank you State of Florida employees for the Home Depot gift certificate!) and anxiously ran through the grocery store overpurchasing meat, bread, condiments and desserts. He absolutely wanted to ensure that we had enough of everything.

Then, the first lighting of the grill....playing with the coals, waiting for them, until they are perfect.....camping chairs set-up outside....a beer....and finally - the meat is put on the grill!

Three courses later (sausages and hot dogs, then burgers, grand finale - chicken!) the BBQ is a resounding success. Nothing is burned, bellies are full and my husband has proven himself an adept BBQer! He was quietly proud, pleased and impressed with himself. It was too cute - like a right of passage for him I think. Something close to my fried-chicken experience.

Recovering - Thursday, July 3, 2008

2008-07-03T21:45:00.000-04:00

It's been a very difficult week. I always feel like I leave a part of myself behind in Santo Domingo. The babies are so small and every time I see them, they are new people! My Dad, he is going through it, in more ways than one. And I can't help but feel that he doesn't have enough people to talk to, enough support to help him get through the days. And Demian, oh Demian, he needs more than what Mom and Dad are providing. They are both so wrapped up in their troubles - rightfully so as they both have fairly serious troubles - but it seems like he's getting the short end of the stick.

On top of that, I got paid on Monday and had a financial meltdown on Wednesday, overwhelmed by my many commitments, wants and needs and the utter sense of impotence that I felt in realizing I absolutely did not have the means to come near fulfilling all of those things. This is becoming a monthly occurrence and something I need to find my way out of - both mentally and financially.

So the past two days haven't really been blog-worthy but I feel like today, things are getting better.

I didn't require 3 cups of coffee as I did on Tuesday and Wednesday.

My day began with a call from my sister-in-law - convinced that entrepreneurship is the only way to success, she has asked me to go into some consulting with her. I'm definitely a fan of projects and looking forward to where this one will go.

My sister-in-law Adriane and her son, Lion

I got to work before 9 AM for the first time since transitioning my commute from the car to the bus (gas is a bitch).

And, I was actually productive today at work - I was an animal, shooting off emails left and right, responding to old inquiries, catching up on my time away and the past few days that I'd spent in a daze. It was reminiscent of my most productive days at work (which have been few and far between the past few months). And it felt good, it felt good to know I was earning my salary, doing everything that was expected of me.

And later in the day, as if Anthony (our Founder & Chairman) had seen exactly how hard I was working, we get a Staff Appreciation email. The office will be closed all-day Monday and Tuesday until noon. Our mileage reimbursement has been increased by almost ten cents a mile! And, the jackpot, we will be implementing summer hours, working from home on Wednesdays is an option from now through Labor Day (if you're supervisor approves - but still an option nonetheless.

Home - Monday, June 30, 2008

2008-07-03T21:40:00.000-04:00

I came home on Monday! Mike picked me up and took me too....drumroll please....Chipotle!! I mean, that is some serious love - I LOVE Chipotle!

And as much as I always feel like a part of me has been left behind in DR, it was good to be home.

Married Life Has Agreed with Me - Sunday, July 29, 2008

2008-07-03T21:13:00.000-04:00

On Sunday we made the rounds - obligatory family visits - which I always enjoy. There is the constant flow of Presidente as my uncles and Dad catch-up, we all stare at the babies in awe of all that they can do and how big they've gotten, catch each other up on family news and share stories of the funny things we've seen or heard in the last few days.

On this trip, I was full of awe as all of my baby cousins were now twice as big as they were the last time I saw them and couldn't even be called babies anymore. At each visit I was overwhelmed with how fast time seems to fly and the nostalgia of my teenage and college years when visits to DR happened at least three times a year and never for just a few days as they are now.

But back to the happy thoughts. My cousin Morena was at my uncles house (her Dad). I hadn't seen her in ages. The last time we spoke her son Omar was 5, now he's going into the 5th grade! And she has another little one! She raved about how mature I looked - how she could tell that marriage was doing me good and it just made me look beautiful. I thanked her, with a big ear to ear smile plastered on my face thinking back to my hubby and how much I really did enjoy being married to him. As I giggled and absorbed my praise, my aunt Carla raved behind me about how big and strong and elegante Mike was - and those beautiful eyes.

I've seen a definite change since marrying Mike - I wear make-up now, and think twice before leaving the house in sweats, the bags under my eyes are lighter - not so severe, and it now seems easier to smile - it doesn't require all the effort it used too, the effort to appear to be having a good time while always feeling a little off.

But let me tell you, as good as if feels to notice the change and improvement in myself, the feeling of someone else, someone who's known me forever, spontaneously recognizing that improvement really was phenomenal. And I hope, a testament to how right we really are for each other.

Good Times - Saturday, June 28

2008-07-03T21:04:00.000-04:00

Graduation - Friday, June 27, 2008

2008-07-02T21:16:00.000-04:00

My little brother graduated from high school today and I had the honor of escorting him across the stage with my father. In my old age, I've become such a sap. I was close to tears for most of the graduation but held it together for fear of feeling an old lady.

Demian sat up on stage whispering among his friends while the announcer ran through the graduation precedings. As they were called to the stage, each student was regalled with what their classmates thought of them - Demian was known for his jokes and happiness, you can't be sad around him and he's a great soccer star. The class giggled and cheered for him (nope, not every graduate got that). His best friend Arturo graduated and he was class President. His girlfriend Anabel came up and she was Senorita Fashion, America's Next Top Model.

Then a slideshow went across the stage and there was Demian, front and center in every other photo.

And I was just really shocked. When Demian lived in NJ, he was afraid of everything. He was afraid of gettig lost, afraid of animals, almost afraid to talk. He had a small group of two or three friends and was unsuccessfully struggling to find his own personality under the iron fist of my mom. I was safely behind enemy lines with my Dad which meant Demian was left to struggle against the oppression alone (yes, I harbor guilt).

That was only three years ago. And now here he was, best friends with the class president, basically voted most popular kid in school, in love with the most beautiful girl in school and more confident in himself than I ever thought he could be. A very proud sister was I.

Best Friend and Best Sister at the after party - organized of course my Demian & Company.

Loyal friends and followers who escorted Demian to the airport - the one to the right is the girlfriend - Anabel.

Generosity - Thursday, June 26th

2008-07-02T20:32:00.000-04:00

My flight on Wednesday was suppossed to take off at 6:30 PM. So on Tuesday, I ask my boss if I can work from home on Wednesday so I can put in my hours and avoid the back and forth - home, work, home, airport. And I give him this whole story about how I can't get my suitcases on the bus because they're so big - and it was legitimate. Not that I couldn't possibly have worked it out, but it seemed like so much unnecessary work. So after some eye-rolling and questions, he approves. And I was so productive in my day at home. I really don't know what I would have done without that day.

So I spend my day running between my computer, my suitcases and the bathroom in preperation for SuperShuttle's 3 PM arrival. I check my bags and am waiting for the plane by 4:30 PM. Such good timing. A wonderful start to my trip home.

At 5 PM, they announce that the flight may be cancelled - technical difficulties - please hold until 8 PM. 8 PM arrives and the flight will be taking off at 9:30 PM - cheers of joy. We board the plane at 9 PM and sit there for over an hour! None of the airline staff feel the need to tell us what the hell is going on. So the Vice President of the Dominican Republic (yes, he was on the plane), gets off. Followed by a dozen or so passengers. And finally, when they see this, the captain says the problem on the plane isn't fixed. We'd all have to exit the plane while they fixed it - it would take 2 hours. Pa que fue eso? The entire plane was in chaos - cursing, sucking of teeth and crying children.

So we do as we're told becuase what's a plane that doesn't work? And no one at the agent counter wants to speak to us. They are waving people off and rolling their eyes - as if it's our fault that at 10 o'clock (2 hours after we should have landed in DR), we were still in the same spot.

New announcement - the flight will be taking off at 11:40 pm from the other side of the airport. More uproar! And screams for food vouchers. Food vouchers can be found at the opposite gate. So we all trudge over to the other side of the airport - like sheep. Arriving at the other gate, more cries for food vouchers. Some requests for luggage to be removed from the plane and some people stomping off to take their cabs home. And another ticket agent who doesn't have the decency to treat exhausted people who have now been delayed almost six hours with some respect and answer their questions. (Yes, the arline has heard all about him.)

We are then told that food vouchers will not be given because it's too late - does that make any sense? I haven't had anything to eat since 2 PM when I left my house and because of you, I'm still in the airport, so the logicial thing is that I'm there too late to get food. As if I've watched all my possible flights fly away and chosen to remain at MIA - the coolest place on earth.

I mustered up $15 and bought a sandwich and a beer in the hopes that it would soothe my anger and make me sleepy. But there were so many mothers traveling alone with children. They'd had mutliple connections all day and NEEDED the food vouchers - it easily costs $10 to feed someonne at the airport - and if you've already bought 4 plane tickets and spent the day traveling, it's very possible that you just don't have $40 to spend on food.

Well a very generous passenger took it upon himself to buy out the cuban stand that was still open. He bought 50 sadwiches (yes, $500 in sandwiches) and had the (very rude and useless) airline clerk announce that food was available for any hungry children or families. I was amazed that after such a horrible day and such mistreatment, he was able to find the energy and generosity to fix it for so many of us.

It definitely gave me that warm and fuzzy feeling. And helped me refocus my mind from how angry and furstrated I was to the blessings:

- my boss did agree to let me work from home
- I was on my way to the Dominican Republic - despite my brokeness - to enjoy time with my family
- I had $15 to buy some food
- And when I finally did get to the airport at 3:45 am - my Dad was there bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to pick me up (other passengers were not so lucky)

Sleepytime

2008-06-25T11:37:00.001-04:00

On most days I start to feel the itch to go to sleep around 9:30 PM. I never actually get to sleep at that time though because Mike is against going to bed before midnight. He tells me how we only get to spend the evening's together and we don't get home and settled until 8pm on most nights so how could I cut the evening short, etc. Which makes complete sense - except that I'm exhausted. So we usually land at some sort of compromise and I'm in bed by 11.

Last night was a little different, I had had a bad day. End of the month = time to do bills, which never fails to ruin my day (or week). Some nonsense happened at work - not sure why I still let that bother me! The usual worry and pressure from mom about something - guilt trip and all. And although I'm about to embark on a 5 day adventure to DR to hang out with my brothers, I was sad that Mike wasn't able to come. It seemed wrong that my first trip back home after being married would be alone...

So I moped on the couch for a few hours and to my utter shock and amazement, at 9:30 pm, Mike turned off the TV and all the lights and announced that we'd be going to bed. And we talked in bed for a half hour or so and went to sleep. I think he could tell that the longer I stayed up, the more I would turn all the negative things around in my head and the worse I would feel. So he did the thing that he know gives me great comfort - sleeping snuggled up with him. It was a relief to just let it all go.

In the words of Mike's niece at 5 years old (Zenzele) - "When you're sad, you should pray and then take a nap. And when you wake up, things will be better."

Sometimes it is just that simple.

It's the Little Things

2008-06-23T22:15:00.000-04:00

In the Fuller household, we pray every night before dinner.

Standard Daily prayer before dinner: "Bless this food we're about to recieve for the nourishment of our bodies in christ's name. Amen."

Tonight's before dinner prayer: "Bless this food we're about to recieve for the nourishment of our bodies in christ's name. Amen. And bless my honeybear (that's me) because I love her more and more everyday. Amen. Except Tuesdays, I love her the same on Tuesdays but more every other day. Amen."

It's hard not to be happy when you come home to that. The perfect balance of love and silliness.

Down Home with the Neelys

2008-06-22T22:47:00.000-04:00

I love to cook. And luckily for Mike (who would live off of McDonald's and chicken wings if I didn't cook), I'm also pretty good at it. So yesterday in my lounging around, I watched "Down Home with the Neelys." It's a cooking show with a terrible time slot on Food Network - Saturdays at 1 PM (or something like that). But it's actually pretty good. This too cute black couple cooks soul food together for a half hour. Yesterday they made fried chicken, collard greens, sweet potato pie and other artery cloggers. The result looked so good that I was inspired to try my hand at fried chicken. I mean my husband is a black man from the south - so what business do I have being his wife if I can't make some soul food! So, with appropriate advice and commentary from the southern black man, I proceeded to make my first batch of fried chicken. And although when I thought I was done, it was raw inside and I had to bake it before we could actually eat it, the end result was juicy and had that perfect brown crispy outside. So I got half of it right and look forward to improving my second attempt!

Conversations with Home

2008-06-21T16:41:00.000-04:00

Since Mike worked today, I spent most of the day lazing around, channel surfing between food network and HGTV. I also took the opportunit to make some phone calls. I called DR and spoke with my Dad and Mariella and Jose and Cristian. Cristian had me rolling - he asked how I was doing: como tu ta' and proceeded to tell me about his little brother Patricio. Patricio was urmiendo (instead of durmiendo - sleeping) and apparently he talks now. Cristian told me he says Papa and that he's gordo (fat). So I asked him if he was gordo too - si - and if he eats a lot - si - amd that he was bien. It's so easy to get pleasure from even just a few words, he had me rolling.

Cristian & Jose

Then I talked to Jose who excitedly announced that he was on summer vacation! That he's now 5 whole years old and that he has a loose tooth! So we went back and forth on what a big man he is and I congratulated him on "graduating" to the first grade. He asked me when I was coming and I excitedly told him, next week. And then he said bye - and then he said (as quickly as he could get it out), bye Hermanita (sister) and threw the phone to his mom. He's my stepbrother and has never called me his sister before - it was sweet how he threw it in, like a test to see if it would be ok. Lucky for him (and my Dad), I've always been open to more siblings!

Patricio

The novelty of talking to my younger siblings never wears off. I'm always amazed at how cute and funny their simple words and stories are.